CHAPTER SIX || fragile
The image of Mason was still smouldering in my mind as I ran back to my room. I knew it was him and either I was going insane or he was actually here. I don't know which option I am more afraid of. My breath came in short pants, my whole body aching. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I gasped for air. My lungs just weren't working. I stumble blindly across the quad- thankful that everyone has gone back to their dorms.
"Rose!" A yell blurs into the background. I run faster. Echoing footsteps are pounding behind me. Mason.
My lips break open as a sob burns through them. It feels like all my emotions are just ripping through me. I don't understand what's going on; I just know that I have to escape.
It's Mason. Mason is going to kill me. I can clearly see him again in my mind- just as clear as he is in my nightmares. He wears a merciless smile as he drags a knife against my cheek. He grins psychotically as he twists my neck until he hears a breaking snap.
I yank open my bedroom door, my fingers slipping against the handle as I close it after me. I'm sliding down the door, my legs weak and useless, when the hitting starts.
Ruthless fists hit the door, each pound feeling like it's hitting against the back of my head. I push against the wall, crawling backwards as far back as I can.
"Rose!" The voice shouts again.
I cover my ears with my hands, trying to get away from a piercing screaming sound. It takes me a moment to realize it's me. I don't stop. Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me. "I'm sorry." I cry, over and over again.
I see the door handle move and I sob louder. It rattles hopelessly, and I pray to God that the lock doesn't snap. Rose, Rose, Rose. The voice doesn't stop.
Gasping, I force myself to get up and escape to the bathroom. Before I can reach the toilet, I start throwing up on the bathroom floor. I gasp for air, almost choking.
What's wrong with me? I cry impossibly louder.
Without thinking, I grab the shaver from beside the sink and smash it against the floor. The razor comes free in my hand, ripping against the flesh of my palm.
I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I need this to stop. These feelings are ripping me apart.
I don't think; I just act.
I pull my sleeve up and press the blade against my wrist, dragging it across my skin. I do it again and again, not wanting to stop until my mind stops screaming at me. The sting makes everything pause- the blood is almost mesmerising; I watch it carefully as it drips steadily onto the cold bathroom floor.
Thoughts of Mason vanish as I concentrate fully on what I'm doing. My fingertips slide against the metal, wet with blood, but I still push harder on my arm. My skin splits almost flawlessly with each cut.
When I'm done, I'm not crying or screaming or feeling- there is just rightful peace. Everything just feels alright now. There are no problems; nothing I can't conquer.
Immediately, I clean everything up- wiping the floor with a red towel after washing away the sick. I quickly clean up my body, wrapping my arm in a bandage and changing my clothes. I carefully pull down my sleeve, thankful that it's thick enough to conceal what is hidden beneath it.
I look up when the bathroom door rips open.
Lissa and Dimitri stand there, looking like two extremely worried angels. I see Christian and Eddie behind them and give everyone a questioning glance.
"Rose, are you okay?" Liss practically runs towards me and grabs me in a tight hug. I laugh, confused at what everyone is doing here and awkwardly wrap my arms round her.
"I'm fine. What's wrong?" I ask, looking over Liss' shoulder to see Dimitri's eyes screaming concern.
"I ran after you, Roza. You were screaming and crying. I had to get the princess to give me her spare key for the room." His voice is almost breaking, but he conceals it right away. Oh, so it was Dimitri, not Mason. Everything starts to make a bit more sense. He must have been standing in the trees. A part of me knows it would be impossible to get from the hall to outside that fast, but I brush it off. Dimitri is fast.
I try to smile reassuringly. "I'm fine now. I just freaked for a moment- nothing I can't handle."
Eddie looks worried and confused, while Christian just looks scared and almost kind- which is saying a lot for him. I smile again, suddenly tired.
"I'll see you tomorrow for the beginning of our six week sleepover." I tell Christian, beginning to get embarrassed by all the attention. I hope with all my power that blood doesn't start to seep through my t-shirt. Or, even worse, the vampires in the room smell it.
After a few minutes, everyone leaves except Dimitri. When we both hear the front door click shut, he grabs my hand and pulls me to my bed.
"Easy there, tiger." I tell him. He doesn't laugh, but just tells me to sit.
"Roza," he sighs, pain breaking his voice. "What happened?"
I shrug, not sure which lie would cover me running away/screaming my head off. "Nothing. I just freaked. I'm sorry."
Suddenly, he lowers to the ground between my legs where I'm sitting on the bed, and reaches up to grip my cheeks in his hands. With soft movements, he carefully rubs the side of my face with his thumb. I close my eyes, suddenly craving Dimitri and feeling a lot like the old Rose.
"You're lying," he says. "You can't just call that 'freaking out'. You were in so much pain…"
"No." I interrupt him. "I don't know what happened. I can't really remember."
I don't want to tell him about me seeing Mason, since it was probably just Dimitri in the shadows. Also, he'll just think I'm crazy. And I'll get pulled from the field experience, which would ruin the rest of my guardian life.
"You can talk to me, Roza. Always."
"I know. I trust you, always." An idea forms in my mind. "Will you stay here tonight?" I know it's a hopeless question- it would be wrong for him to stay in a novice dorm.
To my surprise, he smiles sadly and nods, probably wanting to watch over me anyway. A brief flare of excitement rushes through me. Me and Dimitri. Alone. In a bed. A freaking bed.
I crawl up the bed and slip into the covers, patting the spot next to me. I can't help but think of the lust charm, but, if I'm being honest than I want the feel of Dimitri's comfort more than his kisses at the moment. Well, kisses would be good too, but a girl takes what she can get.
Dimitri gets under the cover beside me after pulling off his shoes and coat. I have the temptation to undress him completely, but instead just pull away his hair tie, letting his hair fall free over his face.
We lie there for a while, side by side.
"I was so worried about you, Roza." Dimitri whispers. "Please don't do that again. Don't fight those feelings alone. I'm here, always."
"I know." I tell him. "But everything is going to be okay now, I promise." I look at him and smile. "Goodnight, Dimitri." I love you.
Everything will be okay now. I know my escape. Now I know why Lissa used to cut herself- it completely takes away all feelings and memories.
I'm free to be myself.
And nobody will ever know.
A/N I really want to get one thing really clear. In NO way, am I 'glorifying' cutting. It's really bad. Like, I can't even begin to explain how much it can mess up your life. For example, some of this chapter is from my own experience, but I had nobody to come and make sure I was okay. Take my advice, don't do it. Don't start and don't continue. Just try and recover. Recovery can be hard and impossibly frustrating, but it is possible. Remember, I'm always here to talk or if you need advice. Also, a place with lots of information/help is To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA). They're amazing.
I love you all. xx