CHAPTER NINE || fragile

I walk next to Christian, glancing around my surroundings for any dangers. Lissa is the other side of him, lightly entwining his fingers with her own. She talks eagerly about how well she's getting at controlling Spirit- she's happy that coming off her pills hasn't affected her yet. She feels great; a stark contrast to my vacant mood.

Eddie walks behind us as the far guard, paying more attention to the environment than I am. I slip into Lissa's head for a moment, to make sure that there is no darkness. I take away the amount that is there, hating the sickening feeling that slaps me as it falls into my own mind. I hate it; I have no choice.

Nobody knows that I can take away her darkness. It's a secret I keep as hidden as my cutting. If anybody ever found out I could remove Liss' depression, she would stop using Spirit right away, and I know how much she loves it. This is the sacrifice I make for her. My sadness for her happiness. I may hate it, but this is my duty; my life.

I'm so caught up thinking; I don't notice the guardian about to attack.

"Rose!" Eddie shouts behind me, sharp and alert. I snap into action, pushing the Moroi behind me. I hear Eddie grab them and pull them further away. Something hits the side of my face and I almost fall to the ground, staggering back, my cheek stinging in reply.

I regain myself quickly- pulling the 'stake' out of my pocket and facing my opponent. Stan. I thought that face hit was a little brutal.

I'm about to strike, my fists clenched and ready, when he appears. Mason, once again. He's closer this time, right behind Stan. My heart stops. Mason's hand stretches out, like he's trying to reach me. My fingertips twitch, wanting to meet his hand halfway- wanting to know if he is real. I wish I could move, but it's like I'm underwater. My heart beats slowly as if it has also been stuck down on the ocean floor.

A ringing in my ears distracts me from the noise of Stan's attack. I don't hear his fist come towards me, but I feel it. The moment he strikes my stomach, I fall backwards onto the ground, everything rushing around me in normal time once again. Mason is gone.

I whimper quietly, the punch in my gut aching with a burning force. Stan looms above me. I can tell he is glaring even though my watery eyes.

"Hathaway!" He growls, fists clenches angrily by his sides. "Your Moroi would be dead!"

"I-I'm sorry." I stammer, still confused by what is happening. I look around for Mason, ignoring the smirking faces of my classmates and the concerned looks of my friends. Definitely gone.

"You did that on purpose." He snarls. Before I have a chance to get back on my feet, he grips the top of my arm in a vice like grip. "Kirova needs to know about this." He tugs me roughly to my feet, his fingers squeezing me so tightly that my arm begins to feel heavy. I cry out, more in frustration than pain, and he loosens his grip.

Embarrassment floods through me, my throat stinging with shame. I failed, and everyone saw. I try to think of the silver lining to this horrifically dark cloud, but there is nothing at all that could possibly make this disaster better.

Stan practically drags me to Kirova's office without even letting me say goodbye to my friends. I see Lissa's face in the corner of my eye- she looks… angry? She starts to complain through the bond; I can't believe you just left Christian. That is so petty, Rose! It's just field experience! If this was real, he would be dead. It would be your fault.

I blush angrily and try to block her out. She probably thinks Mason's death is my fault too. I failed to protect him as well.

Dimitri is waiting outside the office and he gives me a disappointed glance as soon as he spots me. I freeze in step. He probably thinks I didn't fight back on purpose. He thinks I'm petty and guilty, just like Liss. He thinks it's my fault, all my fault.

"Wait." I say, my voice almost croaking through my dry lips. Nobody acknowledges me; Stan just continues to pull me to the office doors. "Wait!" I shout louder. This time he stops and glares at me, finally releasing my arm.

"What?" He snaps. "Regretting your stupid actions already?" His sneer almost makes me back down, but there's something I need to do. If I don't, I'll drown.

The urge to cut is the strongest it has ever been. I know it's the only thing that will take away these feelings. The embarrassment and shame and guilt won't pass until I have punished myself. I'll bleed the feelings out until I deserve to be happy again.

"I really need to go to the bathroom." I tell him. He's about to laugh and shove me through the door when I speak again. "For woman's reasons, Stan."

He stops suddenly, caught off guard. With one final uncomfortable glare, he tells me I have one minute. I rush away, not even bothering to look again at Dimitri's dissatisfied look.

The bathroom is cold, but it doesn't bother me. I go into the cubicle furthest from the door and close the toilet lid so that I can sit on top of it. Swiftly, I lock the door with a gratifying click. I'm alone. I don't have much time, but it's enough. I tug my sleeve up, finding a place away from the not yet healed cuts.

I slide my razor out from my jeans pocket. It's single edged, taken from Christian's bathroom cabinet. Carefully, I glide it along my wrist, watching the blood appear almost instantly. Before it begins to pool over my skin, I press a square of tissue over it. The blood travels across the white sheet, tainting the innocent colour with a perfect circle of red.

I take a deep breath, finally being able to think. Biting my lip with concentration, I move the tissue and I cut once again just below the previous. It stings slightly, but not in a bad way.

Out of time, I wipe away the blood and I'm about to slide down my sleeve when I realise it hasn't stopped bleeding. Instead of risking it, I wrap some tissue paper around my forearm. It will have to make do for now. After washing away the bloody evidence, I leave the cubicle and rinse my razor in the sink before sliding it back into my pocket. It feels warm against my side; safe.

I get back to the office in record time. Dimitri and Stan are waiting for me, both of their arms crossed. Confident, I push past them so they don't have the chance to grab me. The seat in Kirova's is warm, so I happily sit down, crossing my legs. When I look up, calling her look a glare would probably be an understatement.

"Hathaway. Do you want to be a guardian?" She says with her lips tight; as if she is already trying to keep her temper.

"Yes." I lie. She believes me, using this as fuel to her lecture.

"Then why did you not even try to defend your Moroi?" She mutters. I smirk and shake my head- why do people keep thinking that?

"I did. I froze, screwed up. Why would I not even try; I always-"

"No, Rosemary. You were annoyed that we did not assign the Princess to you, so instead of fighting back you pulled this petty stunt!"

I wrap my hand around my wrist, keeping eye contact with her and making sure what I'm doing is hidden in my lap. Wanting to stay in control, I dig my nails into my sleeve, biting into the cuts below. "No. I wouldn't do that. I just screwed up." My voice is tight, feeling the ache of what I'm doing.

"You should have thought about your actions at the time- you cannot lie your way out of it now. You risk being pulled out of the field experience completely. In my opinion, you do not deserve to be a guardian."

I straighten up with her words and steal a glance behind me. Dimitri gives me a quick sympathetic look and begins to speak. "Rose wouldn't do that. Her guardian commitment is stronger than most." I almost smile in relief. Dimitri believes me, he loves me. He returns my smile with reassuring eyes. "All novices deserve a second chance. The first attack is always hard."

"But," Kirova interrupts him so I turn to look at her once again, "this was not her first attack. She has killed. She should have stopped Stan's fight easily."

I grip my sleeve harder. "No." I snap. "No. That's not fair. That was different." I can feel the heavy weight of the sword in my hands once again. I can hear the twisted screams of the Strogoi as I brutally dig the edge into her neck. "So different."

Kirova pauses for a moment, giving Dimitri a quick steady look. Finally she talks again, stopping the eerie silence. "You are excused this one time. If I hear you are away from your Moroi from even a second, you will be pulled right out. Being a guardian is tough and if you are not good enough, you are easily stopped. Your future will no longer exist."

I nod and stand. When I finally let go of my sleeve, I realise the blood is beginning to come through- creating two ovals of red over the light blue material. The shock only stays for a moment and is replaced with nervousness- I quickly place my hand over the stain, hiding it from view.

Dimitri walks with me, not noticing how anxious I am. For the first time ever, I want him to leave me alone. But, of course, he stays.

"What happened out there today, Rose?" His voice is kind; he knows that I didn't do it on purpose.

I remember Mason's ghostly face, full of sadness. For a brief moment, I consider telling Dimitri. The moment passes as quickly as it came, so I lie. "I don't know. I just froze, I was caught off guard."

"Really?" Dimitri asks again, as if he is trying to make me feel even guiltier for lying. I nod. "Okay."

We walk in silence for a while, on our way to the hall so that I can join up with Christian again. I'm so caught up in thinking of the embarrassment of what just happened- me getting knocked down my Stan- that I don't notice Dimitri staring at my hands. The blood has travelled further up my sleeve, soaking it straight through the tissue and the material, so now my hand is only covering up a part of it.

"What happened?" He demands, trying to grab my arm to see the source of the bleeding.

My heart begins to race so quick I think that I'm going to faint. Black stars threaten me in the corner of the vision- blinding panic crippling me to a halt. "Nothing." I say, too quickly to be considered nothing at all.

"Did Stan hurt you? Let me see." He tries to take my hands in his, so I hide them behind my back. I'm shaking, I can't help it. My mind screams, he can't know, don't let him see, lie to him.

"No really, it's nothing!" My voice cracks at the end, anxiety falling into my lie.

"That is not nothing." I walk backwards, making distance between us. "I am your mentor, Rose, did you cut yourself-" my heart thuds painfully in my ears- "on your practise stake? If Stan caught you on-"

I'm about to say that I accidently cut my arm on my stake, but I can't get the words out of my lips. Even the word cut just attacks me with blinding panic. "I hurt it on my stake. It's stupid; please don't tell the others, it's so embarrassing." The lie falls freely, and judging by Dimitri's face he must believe me.

"I'll go get my medical pack. Stay here." He's about to leave, so I grab his arm quickly.

"No, really, I'm fine. I, uhm, put a bandage on it when I said I was going to the bathroom. This is just an old stain." He sees the slight thickness of my sleeve from the tissue and believes it's the bandage then gives me a worried smile and grabs my face in his hands.

"If you get hurt, don't be afraid to tell me. I love you, Roza. I love to protect you." He presses his lips lightly to mine, thankful that the area is clear of other students.

"I don't need to be protected," I remind him in a quiet whisper, loving the warmth he always seems to radiate. My heart stops thudding in my chest and begins to flutter from his touch. He believed me. "I love you too."

Our small embrace ends a few moments too soon and we say goodbye to each other. I tell him I'm going to change my t-shirt before meeting Christian and he nods in understanding, giving the bloodstain a worried glance.

I walk away, with my heart heavy in my chest.

A/N Thank you for your amazing reviews! They really make me happy. :') I love you all- thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me. :) Stay strong. xx