CHAPTER ELEVEN || fragile
When I wake up, my arm is laying under the covers giving out a steady ache. I didn't have a nightmare last night, but I'm still exhausted- probably from shock.
Visions of last night assaulted my tired eyes; the never ending blood, the taste of bile in my throat when he walked in, Christian's face as he sobbed. As much as I want to stay in bed for the rest of my life, I know I have to face him.
Unsurprisingly, he's awake when I lean over the side of the bed. He looks uncomfortable on the tiny make shift bed, but smiles at me kindly as soon as he sees my face. Before I can even open my mouth to speak, he interrupts.
"If you're going to say you're sorry one more time, I might just have to slap you."
I give him a reassuring grin. "I was just going to say how comfortable this bed was. Are these feather down pillows?"
He gives me a mocking glare and looks at the too small blankets he is lying on that I had set up previously. "You're shorter than I thought. And yes, they are, although I think I prefer your cushion- is this made of some kind of brick?" He throws my pillow at me so I chuck it back, laughing when I hear the thwack as it crashes against his face. "Damn. You sure are grumpy in the morning."
We laugh awkwardly for a few moments, both of us wishing last night never happened.
"Shall we talk on the way to first lesson?" He asks me, glancing at the clock. We have half an hour until we need to leave. I nod, thankful for the thinking time.
I steal the shower first, beating Christian to the bathroom, insanely glad that he cleared everything last night. A twinge of guilt hits me, but I push it back. It was just some blood, I'm sure he didn't mind wiping it up. I shudder, hating how I had stupidly forgotten to lock the door.
What am I supposed to do? Panic stills me with every thought that rushes through me.
As much as I want to stall and hide in the bathroom for the rest of my life, I know that Christian wants a shower too. I finish up quickly, wincing as I peel back the bandage from my cuts. They're deeper than I thought. Too tired to bother with fixing myself up, I pull on a hoodie and let them rub against the material, trying not to let the anxiety consume me.
"Why?"
That is the first word that comes out of Christian's mouth when we are walking together to his first lesson.
Why? I ask myself. Why do I do this? Why do I feel like this? I just do. There is a not a good enough answer that I can give him, at least not one that makes sense. I cut to feel pain, but I also cut to feel nothing. I cut for punishment, for control. I cut for colour and red and sensation and interest.
I almost enjoy it, this bittersweet power over myself. No. I do enjoy it. Not in such an exact sense, but in the way that it seems to transport me to a different place. The moment that the razor cuts through my skin, I am completely focused. How much can I bleed? How deep can I go? Do I want it to hurt a little, or a lot?
Why do I cut? Because I want to.
The truth is definitely too private to share with anyone.
"It helps." I say simply, and by Christian's thoughtful nod he accepts the answer. We are silent for a moment longer, and then he speaks again.
"What am I supposed to do?" He groans, frustrated.
"Leave it." I almost whisper, a silent plea. I will beg if I have to. "Just drop it."
"I can't just let you do this to yourself."
"Please." I meet his eyes. "I'll stop." I lie.
He laughs then, broken with sudden restrained anger. "That's just what Lissa said and then later that night she was doing it again. It took me days to persuade her to stop, and I still can't trust her."
"I am not Lissa!" I say, my cheeks flushing. "Really, I won't do it again. Just don't tell anybody. It's not that bad."
Christian grabs my arm, yanking up my sleeve. The cuts glare at us, some of them beginning to bleed slightly. "This is worse than Lissa ever did. Besides, how can I trust you to look after her when you can't even look after yourself?"
The words hit me hard and I inwardly flinch. Christian still holds my arm, unafraid, angry. His protection for Liss would go further than his relationship for anybody would ever go. He will tell somebody about me if it concerns Lissa. I will have to stop.
"I will stop." I lie again, putting as much strength as I can into the words. He stares at me for a while longer, and then releases my arm, letting it fall against my side. As I'm pulling down my sleeve, he apologises.
The kind Christian is back again, the one that held me the night before. "I'm sorry." He says. "But you have no choice, you have to stop. I can tell Liss' counsellor, or if you would prefer I can tell Dimitri-"
"No!" The shout breaks my lips open, my whole body shivering. "Don't tell Dimitri." My eyes begin to sting. "He can't know, please don't tell him. And if I went to a counsellor then he would find out."
Christian is silent for a moment, thinking. I plead to him with my eyes. If Dimitri found out, he would never understand, he would hate me.
"They will never let me be a Guardian." I remind him.
Frustration running through him, he looks away, glaring into the distance.
"I'll stop. Trust me."
He nods, still refusing to meet my gaze. We continue walking to his first lesson of the day, the guilt of lies weighing heavy on my shoulders; dragging me down.
The day passes slowly, but my mood slowly begins to improve. The anxiety starts to disappear around third lesson, when I realize Christian isn't going to scream out my secret in the middle of class. I'm just standing at the back of the class in all his lessons, and although it is boring, it allows me time to think about nothing in particular.
At the end of the day, I'm walking back with Christian. It's cold outside, so I pull my hoodie sleeves further down, trying to warm my hands. Not surprisingly, Jesse shows up, and he gives me his signature cocky grin. I glare in a way in that I hope looks to be menacing. His grin falters for a moment, but he continues towards us.
"Hathaway and Ozera," He begins, still smiling. "Have you seen Princess Lissa anywhere?"
I look at him with angry, wide eyes. "Do not go near her." Jesse holds up his hands in surrender, chuckling lightly.
"No promises."
With a sudden protective anger, I lunge towards Jesse, but Christian quickly grabs me and pulls me away and quickly whispers loudly in my ear. "Rose, guardian!"
I spin around to see Dimitri, dressed as a Strogoi, coming towards us. I quickly pull Christian behind me, and even give Jesse a quick shove, which was slightly harder than it probably should have been.
I meet Dimitri halfway after pulling out my practise stake, and dodge a kick he makes towards my chest. I swing around him and try to use my strength against him, but he moves too fast and pushes me backwards. I'm exhausted. I can't be bothered to even think right now, let alone fight. Dimitri lands a punch on arm and then my stomach. A gasp escapes me, the wind knocked out of me.
Dimitri's eyes meet mine then, and through his mask I can see the gentle stirring of concern. It pisses me off. I am not weak.
With a hard shove, I regain my stance and throw a punch to his gut. He dodges, but I use that to my advantage. Moving as fast as I can, I hook my leg around his calf and pull him towards me while shoving him with my opposite arm. He falls to the ground, but the position makes me fall on top of him.
He turns me over and the force of it makes my head hit against the damp concrete. Dark spots appear due to the blow, but I ignore them. Relentlessly, I turn us around again and before Dimitri has the chance to hit me, I press the plastic stake against his chest.
Even more exhausted, I close my eyes, trying to block out the oncoming headache. I feel Dimitri lean forwards, with me still straddling him. Gently, he lifts me off his lap so he can stand and pulls me up next to him.
"Rose? Are you hurt?" He asks softly, and I feel his hands on my shoulders. Yes, I am hurt. I'm exhausted. I want the field experience to be over. I want to go back to my room and cut myself without anybody knowing. Answering his question is pointless, but I do it anyway. "I hit my head, but it's fine."Reluctantly, I open my eyes.
The first thing I notice is Dimitri's face. His caring brown eyes looking right through me. The next thing I notice is the figure behind me. Mason. His lips are trying to mouth something to me, but I'm too distracted by his eyes- sad and cold. Guilt makes me look away.
I step back from Dimitri's almost embrace, and walk towards Christian. "Want to go back?" He asks. I nod simply.
To my surprise, he takes my hand. I look down and notice a fresh blood stain coming through my hoodie. His arm just manages to conceal it. I smile at him, but it probably comes out more like a grimace. Smiling is exhausting too.
Jesse is gone, but I'm worried about why he wants to find Liss. Dimitri is behind me and I can feel his eyes burning through me.
I sigh. Mason's reappearance making me feel empty once again. Thankfully, nobody says a word. Christian just leads me to his room, directing me because I can barely be bothered to see. I lay down on my bed on the floor, and stare at the wall.
"You saw Mason again?" He asks, and I nod.
"Why won't he leave me alone?" I ask, but he does not reply, he does not have an answer to my craziness.
Alone, I lay on the floor, wishing that sleep would drag me under but knowing it would never come soon enough.
A/N Sorry for such a slow update, I've been really down recently and I haven't had much time to myself. I'm going to start updating every couple of days beginning tomorrow. :) I love you guys, more than you could ever imagine. :) Stay strong, beautiful. xx