CHAPTER TWELVE || fragile
In the middle of the night, I betray Christian and I cut myself.
Christian is asleep in the other room, I am sure of it. I wait two hours to be positive that he is deep in slumber, and I spend the time counting the pointless lines on the wallpaper and going over staking techniques in my head. I imagine stabbing my arm over and over with the stake, raking the silver across my body. Restlessly, I listen harder to see if Christian is asleep. The wait is worth it.
It takes me more time to find the razors. Christian must have hidden them on top of the cabinet, thinking that I wouldn't be able to find them. A flush of guilt colours my cheeks, but the guilt is nothing compared to the frustration that is rising more and more each second. I know it's probably wrong, but I need it. I am a killer, a failure, a cutter.
I sit on the side of the bath and roll up my sleeves, glancing at the beautiful chaos that I have created. With gentle fingers, I brush the scars and cuts. They are oddly comforting, safe. I bite my lip as I guide the razor along my skin. I push harder, ignoring the protest of the pain that is trying to force me to stop. I wonder how deep I can go, how much blood I can make.
My heart skips a beat when I see how deep the cut has gone. The skin parts, revealing yellow flesh for only a moment before the blood begins to find its way to the surface. I am not worried, or frightened. It's almost exciting, like I've accomplished something or pushed myself past an invisible barrier. Freedom.
I don't stop for a long while. I cut myself all over my forearm, again and again and again.
Then it's time to get ready, and life goes on. I get changed and bandage my arm, wishing I had some stitches but not caring enough to get some, then I smile at Christian as I leave the bathroom and see him awake. He smiles back. Clueless.
I feel lightweight. I feel powerful, secretive. I'm winning a game they have no idea I am playing. I am surviving, all by myself. I am not fragile, I am strong.
"Aren't you going to eat something?" Liss asks me, giving me shocked looks when I walk straight past the food section and pick up a bottle of water, my appetite nonexistent. I smile and tell her that I had breakfast with Christian, and he turns and gives me a disapproving look, but says nothing. We sit together on a lunch table, while Eddie stands against the wall so that he can check the area for practice Strogoi.
Liss takes small bites out of her roll and my stomach twists. I'm starving, but the thought of actually eating makes me feel gross- as if it could take away the light feeling and leave me feeling heavy and confused again. Determined to stay in control of my body, I ignore the hunger pains.
"How are you doing in the field experience?" Liss asks kindly. I bite my lip. I'm losing, but I lie.
"Great. I've definitely improved after what happened with Stan." Christian gives me a sharp look, but remains silent. Quickly, I come up with the first thing to distract them from the subject, not wanting to go into the nonexistent detail. "I'm looking forward for the next attack. Oh, Eddie, do you want to switch? I haven't done faraway guard much." Eddie looks confused, as I am pretty much always the faraway guard, but switches with me swiftly. As I stand, my eyes darken for a moment. I'm dizzy; I must have been sitting for too long.
I listen to their conversation, making sure I continue to check the room and protect them. Christian asks Lissa about some kind of date in the church, but she hesitates. "I might be a bit late. I've got catch up and homework- I don't want to fall behind." Everyone looks at her. Her work is always perfect, always up to date. "I have extra credit." Everyone accepts her lie, but not me. Lissa is hiding something.
"Christian? Walk with me to the toilets." Christian gives me a look which says 'now? really?' but I ignore it and grab his arm, dragging him away from the table. When we're alone, I'm about to question him on Lissa's lie when I hear sudden noises back down the corridor. A chair falling, a squeal. "Lissa!" I gasp, spinning round to see what's happening. The quick move almost makes me lose my footing.
A Strogoi- well, Dimitri- lunges towards Eddie, but he moves quickly and blocks the attack. Keeping my Moroi behind me, I run to the scene and grab Lissa, ignoring my light-headedness. Christian holds her hand. I look around. No more guardians. Just Dimitri.
Eddie falters for a moment, stumbling backwards over the falling chair. His head hits on the edge of the table. He's disorientated. I want to help him, but I have to protect the Moroi. Dimitri runs over to Eddie and kicks his stake away. With a simple lunge, he grabs Eddie's neck.
"You're dead, but good work." Dimitri declares quickly. "Is your head okay?"
Eddie nods, and so Dimitri turns on me.
After making sure Lissa and Christian take another step back, I begin my fight with my lover. My moves are clumsy, uncoordinated. I can feel my heart in my throat pulsing with the dark spots in my vision. I've lost too much blood to put on a great fight, but that doesn't mean I'll give up.
With all the force possible, I shove Dimitri backwards, kicking away his hard attack. My stake just reaches his heart. I turn around, needing to go have a sit down. Christian and Eddie stand there- Eddie looking approvingly at me but Christian is giving me a warning glance. I feel the moisture on my arm and slyly hide it to my best ability.
It's only at that moment that I realise something, or someone, is missing.
"Where's Liss?" I ask, and I feel Dimitri standing beside me. Eddie panicky turns around, muttering something under his breath. I look through the bond, and I strain to get through. "She's blocking me-" I focus as hard as I can, dizziness shaking through me.
My screams echo Lissa's, as pain shoots through the both of us. I felt as rocks cut at her cheeks, being thrown by somebody I had never met, but already wanted to kill. "Please stop." I hear Lissa whimper through the bond, her fists shaking like she could hardly control herself. I took off.
I ran as fast as I physically could, abandoning the scene behind me. My legs felt like they were going to collapse under me, but I didn't care. I had to help Liss.
"Make them stop." I heard Jesse's sickly voice through the bond, and anger fuelled me to run faster. Not just anger at them, but anger at myself too. Once again I failed to protect. I couldn't even protect Lissa from stuck up Moroi. I could never live with myself if I lost her.
Wind whipped through my hair as I ran, and air was being slammed into me at the same time. They were torturing Lissa with air, trying to get her to use compulsion to make them stop. Disgust ran through me, and only made me angrier and angrier. But I wasn't the only person getting livid. I could feel Lissa's darkness pulsing out of her, all of her terror and horror threatening to escape.
Nobody saw me until I slammed into the freshman hurting my best friend. I pulled him to the ground and began punching him in the face. I only stopped when his eyes rolled back. Everyone else had run, except Jesse.
Jesse stood in front of Lissa, looking as pale as a ghost. His eyes were screaming, as if he was locked in his own private nightmare.
Lissa spoke up. "I'm torturing him." She didn't look away from Jesse, who started shaking and convulsing like some demon was trying to escape from him.
"Liss, you have to stop. This isn't you."
"He deserves it." She spat. Her voice darkening.
I close my eyes and concentrate as hard as I can without passing out. I feel the darkness slip out from Liss and slam into me, and the force of it nearly knocks me straight off my feet.
Before I know it, I'm trying to kill Jesse. I'm screaming and holding his throat in a vice-like grip, feeling the thick dark slime take over my mind.
I don't know what's going on, until Mason snaps me out of it. Jesse falls to the ground, unconscious or dead. I hope for the latter.
"Killer, killer, killer." Mason mocks me from the corner of my vision. I can hear Lissa screaming for help, and the footsteps of the others finally catching up to me. My scars and cuts burn, as if they are trying to tell me something.
I run, and I know exactly where I'm going. My dorm room. To the cupboard full of pills, where I can finally end my life. It's what I deserve. It's why Mason has been torturing me. I am not fit to become a guardian, and death will be my only salvation.
The darkness clouds over any other thought in my mind. No Dimitri, no Lissa. Only suicide.