CHAPTER THIRTEEN || fragile
I slam the door shut behind myself, pushing my bed to enforce the lock. I don't have anymore time than that. I rush to the bathroom and pull open the cupboard. My hands shake as I fumble for the packet of pills. All the slides fall out of the packet and onto the floor.
One. I swallow it dry and it sticks in my throat. I take a deep breath. Two, three. I gulp down some water from the bathroom sink. Four, five, six. I cough, nearly choking on the water. A burning sticks in my throat. Seven, eight, nine, ten.
I spit in the sink, determined and broken. Darkness is clouding over my vision. My hands tremble as I splash my face with cool water. Take more, Mason taunts my mind over and over again.
Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen…
"Rose!" A sudden shout comes from the other room. Dimitri. A bang as he tries to shove the door open. I imagine his brown eyes and warm heart and I burst into tears. Fifteen, sixteen... twenty.
"Roza!" I freeze. In sudden panic I hide all the evidence, shoving the pills back into the cupboard. I fall down to the bathroom floor and tuck my head into the crevice of my knees. What have I done? Mason tells me that I've done the world a favour. Broken sobs escape my lips and I scratch angrily at all the stupid scars and cuts that litter my body.
When Dimitri finally gets through the door, he finds me that way. I'm weeping on the floor, fingernails covered in blood. My hair sticks to my face from a mixture of water and sweat. I feel like I'm going to be sick, everything making its way back up my throat.
There's a curse, and suddenly I'm wrapped up in warmth. "My Roza. What's happened?" I cry harder, feeling Dimitri placing kisses all over my body. Kisses I don't deserve.
"I'm sorry," I cry, nuzzling into his chest. I grip his duster in my hands, as if I'm afraid he will leave me. "Don't go."
"I'll never leave you, Roza. I love you, don't cry." He then says something in Russian and holds me tighter. I can tell by the way he is shaking that he is crying. We stay sat on the floor together for a long time. No more words are exchanged. We don't need them.
After a while, he guides me to the shower. He undresses me softly, laying my clothes gently on the side. As he does this, he kisses every single cut, every single scar. He doesn't look at me with hatred, or disgust, only love. He entwines his fingers with mine and kisses the back of my hand.
"You're so beautiful." He sighs, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I look away, ashamed. I want to tear off my body. "Look at me, Roza." As my eyes meet his, I'm lost in a wave of care and kindness and adoration. "So beautiful."
I walk into the shower, letting the warm water caress my skin the same way his kisses did. I face the other way, and don't notice Dimitri undressing. He places his hand on my shoulder and I turn around. He then cleans every part of me. He even softly massages my head when he conditions my hair, and crouches down so he can wash the worn out soles of my feet.
It's in that moment that I finally regret overdosing. I don't tell Dimitri, and maybe that's one of the biggest things I regret.
He dries me off and pulls a t-shirt over my head, then pulls me to my bed, shutting the door and calling Lissa to reassure her that I'm okay. He tucks me into bed, crawling in behind me after getting changed. He wraps me up in his arms and gently kisses the back of my neck.
"Dimitri." I whisper, my voice hoarse.
"Yes, Roza?" I feel his warm breath against my neck.
"I love you, don't forget that." At first I don't think he's heard me, but then he replies.
"I love you too. Now sleep, my Roza. It's been a long day, you need to rest."
I fall into a dark abyss.
I wake up covered in sweat. My stomach twists. I feel like a barrel of acid has been poured down my throat. I start coughing up the acid, and it's like barbed wire is trying to escape from inside me.
"Roza!" Dimitri suddenly shakes me, having woken up.
I can speak; I just twist onto my stomach, arms shaking, and keep vomiting. I'm dying, I think. I fall forwards into the sick, not strong enough to hold myself up.
I feel the bed move as Dimitri gets up and runs out into the corridor. "Someone help!" His voice shudders inside of me, my head pounding.
Dark flickers go through my vision, and I can't even push myself up. Dimitri pulls me upwards and grips my face in between his hands.
"What did you take?!" He cries, trying to get me to look into his eyes. My eyes struggle to stay open. I whimper and feel more bile acid forcing its way up my throat.
"Painkillers," I sob, "twenty. I don't want to die anymore Dimitri." I start panicking, my while body convulsing as I struggle for breaths.
"Don't you dare die on me Roza!" My heart feels like it's about to explode in my cheat. My skin is a sickly yellow colour, my lips pale and dry. I can't stop throwing up. My whole throat burns like it's been caught on fire.
I feel my whole body being lifted, and suddenly Dimitri is running, carrying me bridal style. I can just about feel Lissa's fear through the bond, and I know that she's been woken up by my pain. The bond may only work one way, but she always knows.
I'm suddenly being placed on a cold bed, and I can't stop shivering. I hear strangers around me, injecting me and pressing me and shining things into my eyes.
I slip away to the sound of a strained heartbeat.