Chapter Three

Lily stared blankly are her old friend for several moments. She was sure she was supposed to feel something towards him: anger or regret or disappointment. Something. And yet all she felt was a kind of numbness, as though she didn't have the energy to care about anyone in any way anymore.

'Shouldn't you be in Azkaban or something?' she asked dully, 'Our side's won, you lot have lost. Isn't that what they normally do with Death Eaters: send them to Azkaban?' Once upon a time she might have injected some bitterness, some anger, into her tone, but even the betrayal of her former best friend failed to anger her now. All her emotion belonged to James. She didn't have any to spare for anyone else.

'I'm not a Death Eater, not anymore,' Severus said quietly, watching her carefully for her reaction. Lily had no reaction. She couldn't bring herself to care.

'So you switched sides at the last minute?' she said, 'How very sensible of you. Though I'm not sure you'll be able to convince someone like Dumbledore to trust you.'

'Dumbledore does trust me,' Severus said, matching her even, emotionless tone, 'I've been acting as his spy for rather a while now, providing him with information about the Dark Lord's movements.'

'Oh.' Lily did feel something now: surprise. She had always hoped that Severus would change his mind, but had never really thought it likely. She'd given up hope almost completely when she found out he'd been given the Dark Mark, and was officially one of Voldemort's followers. After all, once someone became a Death Eater, they were stuck in it for life. It wasn't simply a matter of deciding you no longer felt like it and expecting to be left alone after that. You either remained loyal to Voldemort, or you died. Simple as that.

But Severus had become a spy. She had to admit that was incredibly brave. Perhaps not enough that she could instantly forgive him and become best friends again, but very brave nonetheless.

She couldn't think about this right now. She ought to have been thrilled that her old friend had chosen the right side at last. Perhaps she would be, once she was actually capable of emotion like that again. Right now, though, she just wanted to remember James.

She sat down under the tree, staring out towards the lake and hoping that Severus would go away. Not that she minded his presence exactly, but she'd come out here to get away from people who watched her nervously, feeling like they ought to say something to comfort her but unable to figure out what. She didn't want to be comforted and she didn't want sympathy. She just wanted silence and space, and if her friends couldn't understand that then she'd rather be alone.

She had underestimated Severus' ability to understand her, however. They hadn't spoken in several years, but he still seemed to sense exactly what she needed, just as he always had. He sat down quietly a few metres away from her, also staring out towards the lake. He didn't try to offer condolences or promise her that the pain would get better over time, as she was sure most of her friends would have done. He didn't even try to hug her or console her. He simply sat with her, providing a comforting presence by her side as she replayed all the memories of James. The night he had proposed, their wedding day, the moment she told him she was pregnant, the look in his eyes when he held Harry for the first time: each played out before her in vivid detail. She wanted to imprint every tiny little part of him into her memory. Her friends might have told her that this was a dangerous thing to do, that it would make it harder to forget. But that was the point; she didn't want to forget. James deserved better than that. He deserved to be remembered forever.

Sobs racked her body. She didn't normally cry loudly. Normally the tears flowed silently. She just wasn't one of those people who sobbed noisily. But now she was unable to keep the grief locked inside and it escaped her body in loud, undignified wails. She screamed as if in actual, physical agony, cursing the unfairness of it all. She found herself envying all those couples who had died together, or survived together. Both fates seemed equally wonderful in comparison to being so cruelly torn from the one she loved.

"Why?" she whispered, "Why didn't I die, too? Why did I have to survive?" She didn't expect an answer to her question, but received one nonetheless.

"Because Harry needs you," Severus said softly, startling her. She had all but forgotten he was there.

"Harry," she said slowly, "Yes, he does need me. What would have happened to him if I'd died as well as James?" It was a horrible thought. Poor little Harry, all alone in the world.

"He'd have gone to your sister," Severus replied, though she didn't really need him to. She'd figured it out for herself.

"Yes," she agreed, "Dumbledore always has believed in the importance of family connections, and Petunia's the closest family I have. Can you imagine her reaction if she'd discovered she was expected to look after Harry?" Severus gave a little chuckle, and she couldn't help but grin herself at the thought of Petunia's face if she'd been told she had to bring up her freakish sister's son.

"You're right, Sev," she said, "I couldn't have left Harry. That would have been awful. It's just … it's so hard to imagine life without James. I don't want to bring Harry up with only one parent. He shouldn't have to live life with just a mother and a memory of a father."

"Better than living life with only an aunt who hates him, and whatever other awful family your sister might have now."

"You never did like Petunia very much, did you?"

"She didn't like me very much either."

"That's true."

They lapsed into silence. Lily found himself imagining what would have happened if Harry had been sent to live with Petunia. She liked to think that her sister might have been able to change, and to treat her nephew well. She wasn't sure, though. Petunia really did despise magic, and Lily thought that Harry's magic would probably cancel out any more positive feelings Petunia might have been able to develop towards her nephew.

Just thinking about Harry helped Lily to calm down a little. She still had something to live for. Perhaps she didn't have James, but she had his son. Her son.

"How long is it going to hurt for?" she asked, "How am I supposed to go on without him?" This time her old friend didn't have an answer. He simply shrugged and handed her a handkerchief. The gesture was just so typical of him – dealing with the practical things when he wasn't sure how to deal with the emotion – that she found herself laughing. It was an empty, hollow laugh – she wasn't sure she'd laugh properly again for a long time – but it made her feel a little better, a little more human.

"Thank you, Sev," she said, taking it and wiping her eyes. Then she wondered at how easily and naturally she had returned to calling him Sev and relying on him to make her feel better, as though they hadn't spent the last few years not speaking to one another.

"Lily," he said gently, "I know this isn't exactly the perfect time, but there are some things I'd like to say to you."

"Of course," she replied, "Go ahead."

"Well firstly I'm sorry. For what I said that day in fifth year. I know I apologised about a hundred times just afterwards, but I want to apologise again. I can see more clearly now how stupidly I was behaving at the time. I truly am sorry, Lily." She nodded.

"I know," she said, "I forgive you. And I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have ended our friendship over one silly, little word. Best friends are supposed to stick together through everything, and they're supposed to forgive each other. I gave up on out friendship too quickly."

"And secondly," he continued, "I wanted to say that you were right. You told me that I should stay away from the other Slytherins, the ones who wanted to be Death Eaters. Getting mixed up in all that was one of the worst decisions I've made in my life. I guess I wanted a bit of power or something, but I very quickly realised that being a Death Eater wasn't something I could do. The things the Dark Lord was asking me to do were … absolutely wrong. I knew I'd picked the wrong side, and I knew I had to change. Particularly after … well, particularly after the Dark Lord decided he was going to kill you and your family."

Lily felt her eyes fill with tears.

"Help me, Sev," she said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone's going to tiptoe around me, watching me sympathetically but not really knowing how they're supposed to deal with me. And somehow I've got to look after Harry, and put on a brave face so that the others don't worry about me too much. But I just don't think I'm that strong, Sev. I don't think I can be that strong without James. What am I supposed to do?"

Severus slid sideways so that he was sitting closer to his old best friend and put an arm around her, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder. It scared him, seeing Lily like this. She was never this needy or emotional. Ever. And she hated to ask for help. She couldn't bear to look weak, and she would never let anyone worry about her for fear that it would be difficult for them.

At that moment, if Severus could have brought James Potter back to life, he would have given his own life to do so. James' death had hurt Lily in a way nothing else in her life ever had. The rejection by her beloved sister, the loss of so many friends who had been murdered by the Dark Lord: nothing had broken her spirit in the way this had. And it didn't matter that he despised James, and that he would have given anything to have Lily love him like that instead; if he could have brought Lily's husband back to her then he would have sacrificed anything to do so.

It was then that Severus Snape realised just how deeply he loved Lily Potter.