Peter Parker woke up to the sound of an intense beeping. At first, he stared vacantly at the ceiling, wondering if he was having a seizure- and if his mutated spider-heart was finally going to give out, due to having a spider-proportionate life span. Then, he realized his alarm clock was just ringing, he was not dying, and that it was a weekday. A school day.
"Aw, nerts," he grunted, as he pushed off his bed covers. Being a good superhero and a good high school student was grueling, delicate work- he had to balance not accidentally breaking criminals' spines, not accidentally pissing off the general public, getting home before curfew, finishing advanced placement homework due the next morning, and not accidentally revealing your secret identity in gym. Thank God he only needed that one semester of gym.
Peter slid out of bed, trudged out of his room, and hopped to the bathroom door, planning to get his morning routine going. He pushed the door wide open with his hand.
"AH! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL, YOU-"
Peter quickly shut the door.
Footsteps shuffled from downstairs. "Peter, are you all right up there?" called up Aunt May.
"Just fine! I, uh, I just stubbed my toe," he yelled back.
"Oh… Are you sure you're fine? Do you need an ice pack?"
"No. Yes. I'm fine, don't come up here."
After Peter was certain that his aunt wouldn't check on him, he wondered what the heck he actually saw when he opened the bathroom. He also wondered what the heck the little guy was doing in there, and for how long he would be doing it. It was a like a Discovery Channel mystery.
Eventually, Peter gathered up his courage and braced himself for the unknown- he reopened the door, entered the tiny bathroom, and engaged the lock behind him. He then turned around.
The little grey mutant boy was glaring indignantly at him, sitting on a closed toilet like it was a chair. In his hand was something that looked like a touch phone. Peter was secretly relieved.
"I'm sorry, but if you didn't notice, this room is goddamn OCCUPIED," the little boy growled. "Couldn't you tell by the closed door, or do you humans just BARRICADE it with useless furniture like you're all lusii? Or is it because you have the tiny, putrid think pan of a personal-space-challenged spiderdouche?"
"I… What's a lusii?" Peter asked, suddenly distracted. "Wait… Hold up. Okay, first of all, this is a bathroom, not a phone booth. You don't need to go to another room and probably scare the crap out of my aunt just to text your friends. Second of all, this is MY bathroom, and I need it in the morning to do my human things. Such as utilizing that chair that you're sitting on to evacuate my waste products. Thirdly, you're probably the last person on earth who should be making wild, unfounded inferences on the nature of my intellect based on what theme of vigilante identity and abilities I retain." He crossed his arms and glared down at the little man. "And fourthly, there was a LOCK on the door. You can LOCK it if you want privacy, like if you were actually doing something IMPORTANT in here." He gestured wildly at the knob.
The mutant glared at him in silence, and Peter noticed that his eyes were a vibrant shade of yellow- like a feline or avian predator. For an uncomfortable moment, Peter wondered if the boy was going to fight him using some other hidden powers. Then, the boy lowered his eyes and releasing a deep sigh. "Oh. Well, shit. I'm sorry. I know what a bathroom is, and I'm sorry if I insulted you. It's just… I came in here because I just wanted to contact my friends, without waking you up. I didn't know if you were a light sleeper or not- shit, I know people who wake up stabbing the air because someone breathes too loud." Karkat looked down at his phone. "But for some reason… I can't get their signal, or something." He stared at the device in his hands.
Peter scratched the back of his head, suddenly feeling awkward. "Oh… Um… I'm sorry about that. Maybe… their call plans don't reach this far?" The teen quickly picked up his toothbrush and squeezed mint paste on it, not knowing if he could recover from that lame-ass joke.
The grey kid sighed. "Bluh… I don't know, maybe. It would explain all the other fucked up shit that has occurred as of late."
Nodding slowly, Peter then commenced brushing his teeth- because he still had to go to school, and not get gum disease. Luckily, the mutant seemed totally okay with it.
"Hey, you wanna know something?" the kid asked.
The human let out a muffled, frothy "What?"
"It's really weird, but I kind of have another spider-themed 'friend', except she's nothing like you. She's sort of a bitch, and sometimes you have to bite back at her or she'll rip you apart. She meddled in a lot of things, fucked her friends up a lot, fucked herself up a lot, and now she's dead. But, she always did things for some morally 'good' reason, even if her way was twisted and self-serving… I think she's doing better now, but it has been a while since we spoke." The alien boy looked up at him. "Hm. Well, anyways, I think what I'm trying to do, in my own sick, masochistic, self-touching way, is to right now explain why I was such a douche to you earlier. Granted, you're a bit of an annoying spider-themed tool, but at least you're not a horribly violent and manipulative spider-themed tool."
Peter stared at him. Then, he let out a muffled "Cool."
After Peter was nearly finished, the boy spoke again. "As a matter of fact, you're kind of like the freakish, mixed-species hybrid offspring of both her and John, my other human 'friend'. Except if the child was a Caucasian human boy. You've got her passive-aggressive mocking-intimidation and spider thing, and John's natural human grinning annoyingness. And maybe both of their fucked up senses of entertainment. How do you feel about Con Air and shitty movies starring men with long faces?"
Spiderman rinsed his mouth with water, and sighed. "Okay, I'm about to be offended again. Do you mind getting out now so I can use the toilet?"
"Sure, no problem,"Karkat replied. He later got violently confounded by the door lock.
Farther away from the troll, but on the same planet, another of his species supposedly materialized out of nothingness.
Like Karkat, she appeared in mid-air in a random location. Unlike him, she had materialized twenty feet higher and still landed lightly on her feet, using her rainbow-drinker strength and balance.
Also unlike Karkat, Kanaya got to watch her items, including various vials of colored liquids, crash around her in a shower of color and glass. She watched as thousands of delicious, expensive potions were reduced to paint and crystal on the cold, stone floor beneath her.
Kanaya let something like a squeak escape her. "Oh, No," she announced quietly, as she knelt among her ruined treasures. She held her shaking hands over a fair-sized pool of blood, where a generous amount of many colors had mixed in- making a dull brown color. The rainbow drinker froze in place, internally debating whether or not it was okay to consume contaminated vitals.
Eventually, Kanaya managed to find a pit of self-respect within her, which was not too difficult to locate. The jade blood slowly stood up and looked down at the ruin beneath her. The blood of her friends, mixed together and congealing in the open air, produced a sickening mural on the floor- like a subjuggulator's magnum opus. Her lips curled in disgust, and she looked away.
The troll was inside a large, stone chamber, lined with suits of armor and decorative weapons. Jade green banners gave the chamber its only other color, aside from grey. Sunlight from a white sky came in from a barred window high above her. In summary, it was a dreary room.
Kanaya made sure that she still had her lipstick, in case of an emergency. She located it and made sure to remember to hold it at all times; apparently, her strife specibus ceased functioning in this new, strange world. Then, she pushed her way through the single exit in the room.
Kanaya had expected a surprise of some sort in the next area. What she did not expect was a company of seven robots in a cramped space activating in her presence and threatening to destroy her.
Jade-cloaked automatons with cruel, angular faces simultaneously turned to her as she opened the door. "Face the might of Doom," they announced in a loud monotone, before firing bolts of pure, green-tinted energy from their gauntlets.
Kanaya reflexively engaged her chainsaw, and leaped into the center of the room. She landed a foot onto the face of a Doombot, and used the height to swing her weapon through the neck of one nearby. Gracefully, she leaped off the staggering robot she had kicked, slapped away a raised arm, and carved her chainsaw right through another robot. The room was surprisingly small, so the remaining Doombots were forced to cram near to each other to avoid her, or to get stuck in a corner where she stabbed them through the chest. In any case, she was finished in about five minutes.
As if by afterthought, a grinding noise came from the room- and, with a shudder, the walls suddenly started pushing towards her. Rolling her eyes, Kanaya dashed to the other side of the room and chainsawed through another door.
Once again, a different, larger room greeted her, with more robots and a trap. Once again, she slayed all of the robots- except this one required more movement and time from Kanaya.
The next time, the floor was a large pit, and the robots could fly. The next time, Kanaya leaped well over the floor by using the robots as mid-air stepping stones.
The floor afterwards had spikes in the wall, which it shot out at intervals. Some hit the robots. One hit Kanaya straight through the stomach, making the hole that was already there a tad bit bigger. Her bandage was ruined, and the troll started to think that this place was getting rather stupid and pointless.
At the fifth room, which was in pitch darkness, Kanaya realized that her original belief was true.
After the tenth room, Kanaya began carving through anything in the room besides the door, which yielded mixed results. Like lava.
At the twenty-third room, Kanaya said the F-word at a pile of fifty robot corpses she had produced.
At the fiftieth room, Kanaya could have sworn that she had finally achieved god tier- by killing so many damn robots and mastering her space powers by jumping clear over a very, very large pit of fire.
Exhausted, the troll came to rest at a long corridor with nothing but robots- which she had slayed earlier. She soon pulled out her phone and checked it, hoping to find any hope from Pesterchum. She had hoped to at least establish herself wherever she was before assuring her friends that she was all right. However, things were not all right, and all she established was that she was in a very awful, very dreary, and overall very shitty place.
Unfortunately, no comfort was there- her communicator, a handheld device that Karkat managed to produce for her, apparently had run out of power. It refused to switch on.
Slowly, Kanaya put her phone back in her pocket and slid to the cold, stone floor beneath her. She closed her eyes, wishing to go to sleep. As a member of the undead, she had not needed rest at all since her transformation- except until now. Her training campaigns had never gone on this long, without a determinate end full of reading, sewing, and conversations with her latest moirail or red crush. Her mind began to wander to Karkat and Vriska, and finally Rose…
A muffled noise brought Kanaya back to the present. She looked around, startled.
"Hello?" she called out, her voice wavering in the still air. Nothing responded.
Dejectedly, the troll leaned back to the wall.
The muffled sound resumed, a tad bit louder. Excited, Kanaya pushed her ear against the stone wall of the room. Although a normal troll would not have heard it, the girl's rainbow-drinker ears picked up a faint voice from behind the wall. Excited, Kanaya stood up. She then engaged her chainsaw to full power, and began drilling straight into the stone.
"This wouldn't have happened if you had just followed the damn tracker!" Kitty Pryde yelled at Logan, as he took a long swig from a beer he had somehow magicked out of his suit. "Fucking great idea, Sherlock. 'Screw the rules, kid, I have wolverine instincts.' Well guess what, we're going to die in here because of you!"
Wolverine shrugged. He made himself comfortable against the wall of the room, and then pulled out another beer. "Hey, I didn't see you complaining when I got this thing-" he patted a large, cubic suitcase next to himself- "in less than half the time following that piece of shit would've taken."
"Wow. Two hours getting in and six plus hours getting out. Excellent job."
Wolverine tossed the fresher beer at her, which she failed to catch. "Look, kid- Doom is a maniac, but a technologically-inclined maniac- you realize that, right? Chances are he would use that tracker to lead us into a trap,. Now, I probably wouldn't mind that. Not too sure about you, though." He tapped the side of his can. "…Damn, he's probably tracking us with it."
"…Is this because you were gonna have a slow Thursday? Like, you didn't want to spend another sad day passed out in a bar again, so instead you decided to get yourself trapped with your part-time kids in a haunted castle? Is that it?"
"Welp, you caught me. I'm sorry. Wouldn't have done it if I knew you were immune to lava."
"Fuck you."
"Wish I could." Wolverine took another slow drag of beer. "Do you hear a buzzing sound?" He asked when he finished.
"What?"
"A buzzing sound. Because, I've been hearing one on and off for about the past half hour."
Kitty first thought up a retort about his age, until she realized that she did hear a buzzing sound. It was a like a muffled chainsaw, or a large, muffled hornet.
BrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRKKKKK-! Suddenly, its volume expanded into a shrieking roar that quickly stopped- and Logan began spitting out his drink.
Kitty looked at him. "What? What's wroh my fucking god."
The bloody tip of a chainsaw protruded from Wolverine's stomach. Logan stared down at it for a good minute, before shrugging nonchalantly and setting down the beer.
A muffled voice came from the wall behind him. "I. Wow. Well. I Am So, So Terribly Sorry. I did Not Know a Person would be Right There, just- Right, There. I Thought He or She would Hear the Noise and Move Away before… Goodness, I Am So, So, So Sorry, I. Wow. I Am A Terrible Person…"
"No, nope. Everything's fine, darlin'- don't worry, we're fine," Logan called back. "Everything's fine, just don't push in any deeper."
Bluh, Long Chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Anyways, about having Karkat being the only character- I thought about it originally, and thought that the entire Marvel universe would be really big for just one Homestuck character. But I can still show Karkat getting into whacky shenanigans with Spiderman and a lot of other characters later on.