Impossible

Au ish. He knew that their love was impossible. He knew that there was no way that he was going to be able to have his love. He was in love with someone else..the person he loved. And he knew...that it was impossible. He was known for doing the impossible...but this was one thing he couldn't do. "I am no longer your captain, I have resigned." And he couldn't take it anymore...

Disclaimer: I don't own the fandom or the songs used in this ever.

Chapter 1:

Illuminated

The days passed by slowly for Jim, but as time went on he slowly got used to everything. He got used to not being around his crew members, but it still kind of hurt to know he could never see them again. But, it was a price to be paid consideing that he had decided to leave them. His choice. He knew it was going to be hard, yes, he did know. But he didn't think in all honesty that it would be this bad.

"Ah sorry." He moved back as he bumped someone's shoulder. He didn't quite look at the person but he felt as if something was wrong. More or less because the person caught his shoulder. At this point he wasn't sure if he should look back or not...but something compelled him to glance back at the person. As soon as he did, he regretted it.

Before him was none other than his ex-First Commander. He bit his lip and then slowly got the will to speak again. "...yes is something...wrong?" He asked slowly. He saw someone flicker in the other's eyes before he spoke.

"Jim...is that you?" There was a hint of fear that went into his eyes before he took off running then, his eyes going dark as he tried to get away from the vulcan. It wasn't as easy as he originally thought it would be, but he refused to stop. He had to at least get to his new work, then he knew he could be safe. He had to be. He knew he had to be safe there...he just /had/ to... I can't go back. I can't go near him. I can't. I...I can't. I just can't. He ran into the building without a second thought, but felt a hand catch his own. His heart began to pound then as he slowly looked back. His fears came true in that second, as he found the other right there behind him. He was caught. He wasn't that far inside of his work either. He had no way of getting away now. He had to face him. But no, he didn't want to. He did not want to. "Jim..." He had never heard his voice so...so...calming. He never thought he was even able to talk like that.

"I'm not him. I'm not. Let me go." And, his voice cracked. Of course. It just had to show what he was feeling... He turned his head away from him and shook a little bit as he did so. "I'm not..." He had to keep telling himself that it wasn't true. That this wasn't happening at the moment. In all of his wildest dreams, he never thought that he would be found. Maybe it was invitable from the very beginning but...

"Jim." Then it was stern. There was nothing in that tone that he heard that told him to make up lies. He was being told to stop lying. But...

"No..."

"Come on. This needs to end here-"

"No." His voice cracked then and he pulled his hand back, breaking the grasp. He backed up slowly, tears coming to his eyes. "Please no...I can't...no..." He hurt... Everything he had held back before was now coming forward, and he didn't know what to do.

"Jim..." He weakly looked to him then as a few tears dripped from his eyes. A soft look, a look Jim wasn't used to seeing across the vulcan's face. And...he felt that break him. The tears flowed down even more and a whimper escaped his lips. He never had felt so weak before... He never felt so...this was to much. He couldn't handle this at all anymore.

"Kirk, what's happening?" A large man with brown hair walked up, arms crossed, and he was glaring. Jim turned, shaking a little bit. A panicked feeling ran through him in that moment. Because he knew what was going to happen. He knew how bad that this just became.

"I...it's nothing boss." He responded, shaky words leaving his mouth as he responded. A light growl came from the man then as he faced them. Jim took a step back in horror as he realized how angry the other was already. He broke the hand contact that was still there, and began to back up then, not looking up. He was shaking by now and he didn't want to speak to the other now. He knew it was best not to in the first place at the moment.

"Jim-" He was cut off as the boss moved between the two, wrapping an arm around Jim's waist, a glare going towards the half vulcan.

"Get out of this building, now." The tone was enough to make Jim flinch, even if it wasn't directed at him personally. A narrow of the eyes came from the other then.

"I have a matter to speak of with him-"

"Get out." He pushed Jim behind him and growled. The half-vulcan half expected a resistance, but when he saw none, he started to get suspicious. Something already seemed wrong to him about this picture, but at the moment he was still putting the clues together. "I said. Get. Out. You can speak with him later..." If you happen to find him at that point... That ended that conversation...but Jim knew that this wasn't going to go over well later on at all...

Khan put his hands on Jim's shoulder, looking eye-level with him. A dark glint flickered into his eyes and Jim bit his lip. "That...was a close one...now wasn't it? I thought..." He trailed the hand down. "I said that you were not to speak with any of them again." He got no response and his eyes narrowed a little and he squeezed the shoulder that his hand was still on. A wince came from the other and he growled. "What...did I tell you?"

"...that...it was my choice...to leave...to do this...and I...was never allowed to go back into the past...go back to them."

"Good...and you understand what that entails...correct?" His eyes closed then and he nodded weakly, shaking a little bit as he realized the fact that he had to stay hidden. This wasn't going to be easy now that the vulcan actually knew where he was. This was now going to be very hard.

I almost feel like everything is closing around me and I don't know what to do now.

He clenched his fists as he walked back to his place, soaked to the bone with water, but he was trying not to let that bug him. There were other issues to be dealt with at hand. He had a lot of things that were now on his mind that were never on his mind before. But now I know...that everything has changed. Everything is different now. We can't be the same people we were once before...that we were back then. Everything is different...my life has changed, and I bet so has his...I'm done now. I can't do this anymore... He put his head in his hands and collapsed to his knees as he finally got through the door. He couldn't stop the tears that began to stream from his eyes...

...

And he screamed, letting all of the rage and frustration...he let it out...and he let the tears express his pain and every other emotion he was feeling. He just couldn't take it anymore. There were to many emotions, to many things running through his head at the moment. It was cutting him like a knife. He was about to just break inside.

We are all illuminated...

He splashed water on his face and shook, his breath catching in his throat. He closed his eyes and let the tears still drip from his face, intermixing with the pouring water. His body was shaking badly, and he felt his knees suddenly grow weak. He didn't want to have to deal with this anymore.

He just wanted everything to stop.

He didn't want the sadness.

He didn't want the pain.

He didn't want the memories.

He just wanted to be numb.

He didn't want any of this.

But he knew, he knew that deep down inside nothing was going to change. Nothing was going to leave him alone...only here could he let it all break down. But even then he knew he was pushing it. He couldn't do this anymore though. He was going to show the signs sooner or later. And he wasn't sure how that was going to go with anyone... Going to go with his boss. If he knew what he thought, the things he felt...he wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen anymore...

I can't...do this anymore...

He held his arms close to himself as he walked to work the next day, not looking up, just keeping his head down. He didn't want to be spotted, he didn't want anyone to recognize him.

But fate couldn't even let him have that could it?

No. It couldn't.

"Jim." His heart stopped in his chest, and his breath came to a stop as he felt two strong hands grip at his shoulders. He knew this time running away would be a lot harder than it had ever been before. He knew that this grip wasn't going to be so easy to get out of this time... More so when he didn't want to let that grip end. He just wanted those arms to hold him close and tight but...

That isn't possible. This is impossible. It's not possible...it's impossible. But his breath was still still in hope that he would be "saved"...

Saved...what a hopeless ideal.

"Jim." His eyes slowly trained up and he looked into those deep pools. He felt himself hypnotized by them, holding his breath.

"Yes?" He managed to whisper.

"...it is...going to be alright." But that made his heart sink instead of feeling it lift up. Nothing will be alright. Ever. Nothing... A whimper escaped his lips in response and then he stilled again, feeling those strong arms wrap around his skinnier form. His breath once more caught there in his throat and he shook a little bit before carefully looked up at the vulcan. His mouth opened in a breathless whisper, he didn't know what to say, or what he did say if he spoke.

All he was aware of then, was those lips over his own...

Time waits for no one,
So do you want to waste some time,
Oh, oh tonight?
Don't be afraid of tomorrow,
Just take my hand, I'll make it feel so much better tonight.

Suddenly my eyes are open,
Everything comes into focus, oh.
We are all illuminated,
Lights are shining on our faces, blinding.

Swing me these sorrows
And try delusion for a while.
It's such a beautiful lie.
You've got to lose inhibition -
Romance your ego for a while.
Come on, give it a try...

We are all illuminated...