I tried to be in everyone's emotions as I wrote this, so it was interesting. While it reads normal, be aware it may get a little heavy.

:}

Jade tried to avoid talking about what had happened with Beck that Friday night. Unfortunately, that meant avoiding Beck. So instead Jade endured his attempts to talk, subtly letting him know it was not yet time. She buried herself in her various end of semester and occupational projects. This time, they only offered a small respite from her problems. Jade was stressing.

Tori spend the first few days of the next week walking on eggshells. Her time with Jade was often stressful. Tori was always ready to step in and help the girl in any way she could. Since Jade wanted to handle things on her own, the Latina often felt helpless waiting for Jades defenses to slip just enough for her to want help. Tori's stress was that of the family watching a loved one drown while refusing all aid. It was hopelessness compounded by Becks needs. The Canadian talked to her regularly, telling her his fears, and letting her know of his plans for Jade. Tori was starting to crack under the stress.

Trina turned out to be the anchor that kept the gang from being swept away in the storm of Jade life. She was there for her sister, often just listening without judging. For Andre, Robbie and Cat she was a shoulder to cry on. However, since they didn't know the cause of the stress in their group, they just found Trina the one to vent to when Tori was too stressed to be there for them. Beck was the hardest to help, since he was in his head more then his heart. She could see how he hurt, but that he just needed space. Trina helped him by keeping the girls away. She used every rumor she could start, mostly that Jade was this close to snapping, and no one wanted to be the first victim. The only one who would not take her help was Jade.

Trina soon found others in need of her help. Jade's mood and stress was still bothering her when she was at work. Jade tried to be civil, but the stress of everything she had agreed to do was building without her personal life adding to the load. Lenard tried the hardest to be her friend, and succeeded the most since he knew enough to just listen. Penny was becoming a problem since the actress had discovered a local producer who was interested in producing more plays from the writer and director of "Well Wishes". Penny decided she would be in Jades next play, and unknowingly added to the stress of the young writer by bugging her to write in a part for her. Raj, Howard, and even Kripke kept their distance, but all three wanted to be friends with the damaged girl. Howard because she was a kindred soul, and he felt for her. Raj was just a decent person when romance and relationships were not on the line. Barry Kripke because as much as her actions stung, he respected her. He still wanted to get back at her, but he respected her.

Amy and Bernadette were indirectly affected by Jade's bad mood as it reflected on the mental state of their respective relationships. Bernie was supportive of her husband and still secretly terrified of the predator that Jade was. She was afraid her husband would say the wrong thing (A likely possibility) and be returned in pieces after a "Lab accident" on one of his projects. Amy found it difficult having Sheldon so close to a stressed out "Alpha" and was worried that she might do something to relieve the stress. Sheldon, however, was the one person unaware of Jades mood. While Alex refused to go near her, he somehow missed the subtle air of danger and frustration that permeated the air around the young prodigy.

Into the Mess at Caltech, Trina waded with her ability to be both a distraction and someone who would understand. Often her actions were minimal, barely noticed. Still, the often needed moments of comic relief or just being there to redirect Jades attention during her surprisingly frequent visits to the campus (She claimed that Dave, the coffee kiosk guy, was cute) helped keep Jade's mood from detracting too much from the work. Trina had stepped up.

Jade was aware of Trina's presence. She knew what Trina was really trying to do. Still, Jade refused to open up to the older Vega sister. Jade was just determined to muscle through it. Old habits die hard, and Jade had relied on this approach for a long time. It was hard on her. Trina still had one card to play, so one week to the day after Jades attempt to close the distance she felt with Beck, Trina approached after a meeting of the Showcase committee at school.

"God Trina, what the chiz do you need now?" Jade almost exploded, her temper no more controlled than before.

"One quick question." Trina was being more subtle than normal, and Jade in all her stress didn't notice it.

"What?" Jade said in the most dramatic was possible.

Trina didn't even hesitate. "What did Tori do?"

"Nothing, why?" Jade said.

"It's just she's hurting now. She's feeling helpless and worried and has no idea how to help you. Could you do me a favor and just talk to her. Let her know how stressed out all this work is making you. I think you kinda owe me, so could you?" Trina asked.

Jade held her tongue, not sure what to do with the request. Finally after Trina emphasized with her face that she needed an answer, Jade spoke. "I need to talk to Beck first. I owe it to him to give him first shot." Jade was not sure why Trina's words made her feel so guilty. 'I never asked for Tori to worry about me.'

"First shot? Jade, this is about friendship. Beck would understand. You're just venting. You're under a lot of stress, I know. It's just about talking to someone you trust." Trina noticed Jades face as she was talking, and decided that maybe Beck was the one Jade would talk to. Just not for the reasons Jade had.

"I'm talking to Beck! Tori will just have to wait!" Jade said. Then, less forcefully "I'll make it up to Tori later." Jade then started walking away.

"It's not my problem." Trina said

Jade called Beck and left a message. Hopefully he was driving and could not answer. She said she was coming over and bringing a pizza. A couple of minutes later she got a call from Beck.

"Hi Babe" he said.

"Hi" She replied. "I'm getting a pizza. I'll be over in a bit."

"You ready to talk?" He asked

"I'm ready to talk." Jade was feeling suddenly tired

"I'll see you when you get here. Love you babe." He then hung up.

Jade got the pizza the way Beck liked it. She arrived shortly after, knocked and was let in. They ate quietly, enjoying each others company, then started talking.

"Jade, tell me whats going on. I need to know" He said. "You can't carry it all on your own. If this is a relationship, you need to start trusting me."

"Okay, it's just too much at once. I can only handle so much chiz going on at once, and this is too much. The showcase participants are always in my chiz, ignoring the people I placed to buffer their annoying selves. Work is no less stressful, and I have my own projects and performance to do. I'm also writing a new play. Get this, one of Penny's loser friends is dating some chick that knows a producer interested in my work. They want me to write and direct a slightly larger performance of the same quality as the opening night of 'Well Wishes'. That's just adding to my work load." Jade rambled and Beck just listened. She was deliberately leaving something out. It brought out his aggression, the way she tried to avoid talking about it.

"Okay, Tell me about last week. The thing that happened between us, in bed. Or do I need to call Tori?" Beck hadn't meant for his frustration to spill out, but the venom in the last part was clear.

"It was nothing." Jade said in a weak voice, hoping to get back on her other frustrations.

"You were crying. I was afraid that would happen, that unresolved issues would come up after you admitted you were" beck took a deep breath. "That you were raped. I know I should have stopped you. Why are you so hard to resist. I mean, I don't need to sleep with you to know how you feel." Becks self blame was on top of a lot of hurt.

"Beck, you've always needed me to show you how I feel." Jade froze as soon as she said it.

Beck paled. "You mean this isn't the first...Oh my...Have I been hurting you for the last two years? Have I been raping my girlfriend, the one I love, for the last two years?" his voice was getting higher.

"DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD!" Her voice shook the RV. "Not for what we did. Yes, I may have forced myself, a couple of times, but it was always my choice. There is a huge difference between my giving something and it being taken. Beck, I love you..."

"So you did force yourself to sleep with me." Beck sounded wounded, almost disgusted. "Jade...Why couldn't you say no. I would have understood. This isn't right, not if you're forcing yourself to have sex just to please me." His eyes showed so much understanding and pain.

"I didn't always force myself. Often when we were intimate I was really into it. It was just a few times." Jade was quickly cut off.

Jumping in, he asked "How many? How many times did you force yourself? Jade, I need to know." Beck held his ground, looking his girlfriend in the eye. He needed to confirm his suspisions.

Jade whispered her answer. "Maybe a dozen at most..." She was feeling weak, like the horrible person she knew she was. Despite her best efforts she had hurt Beck, who had only tried to be there for her.

"A dozen? Jade, a dozen? We've only made love about thirty times, and your telling me that almost what, half the times we were together, you forced yourself? did any of those times feel good to you? Please, I need the truth." Beck sounded vulnerable, holding in his anger and hurt.

"I liked it when I wanted it." She replied, voice weak. She was on the verge of losing it again. 'I knew I didn't deserve him. He's so good, and I'm this freak. No one could love me. And I hurt him. I keep hurting him. Maybe he's better off with Vega.'

"Did it ever occur to you that I never wanted to hurt you. I don't like to see you in pain. When you make yourself sleep with me, you're hurting us both. You said you didn't enjoy it when you forced yourself. Did it hurt? Did I tear at old wounds? Did you ever cry? When I hurt you like that?" He was talking softly now, but his eyes told the whole story. They showed hurt, anger, and betrayal.

"I cried at home." she said. Looking him in the eyes, she added "Please Beck, I just wanted to make you happy. It's not easy for me to do, making others happy. Please..." Tears flowed down her cheeks.

"And what kind of monster would that make me, if the only way for me to be happy is to cause you so much pain. Jade, I just want you to be happy. You never seemed to know how. I'm beginning to think that maybe our love isn't strong enough to save you. Please jade, I know it hurts us both, but I need to know. What else are you keeping from me? What is it I can't give you?" he asked.

Through tears and the lump in her through, She spoke. "I don't know, Beck. I... I sometimes hit things just to hurt. While I learned to fight just to feel safe, I need to replace my heavy bag about once a year. I hit it that hard, and with only enough padding not to bleed on it." She took a moment to catch her breath, determined to continue. Tears blurred her vision. She needed to confess, knowing she might not be able to stop. "I often wear uncomfortable shoes or, or eat food I hate just to pay for the right to feel good about myself. For a while. I... I'm wrong. I know I am, because if I were right my father would love me and my mother would love me unconditionally. I deserved to be hurt.."

"Stop!" His voice was firm, but he was crying too. "No one deserves to be hurt like that, to be raped. You have the right to be happy. Jade, I know you are a little dark, but please think about this. I love you, and I want the one's I love to be happy. What can we do to make you happy? If you need someone else, I'll let go. Jade, please..."

"Beck. No. I love you. I just, I don't know, please make the pain stop. I tried everything I can think of to push it down. I distract myself with simple theories about the creation of the universe, but it only hides the feelings for a little while." Jade was starting to slip away into hysteria, and Beck wasn't sure what to do. He held her, both of their tears mixing on his chest as he silently prayed for a solution. Jade repeated "Please make the pain stop. Make me normal. Please." He suspected he knew what he had to do, but it was so hard to give up on this now vulnerable girl. Her song had been a lie. He didn't know her at all, and his fearless demon of a girlfriend had turned into a wounded child. Still, the tower of strength was there, under this shaking mound of insecurity. He would help her find it. He would wait for her to be under a little less stress first, because the only way he could think of to heal her old wounds required creating a new one. One that would also heal. It would get worse.

:}

Hi to anyone who's reading this. I can honestly say it's been getting away from me, so I'm looking forward to seeing where it's going.

So is anybody out there?