'As you kids probably remember, your Uncle Barney was embarking on something he hadn't done before… waiting 5 days to sleep with a girl; and it was showing.'
"Marshall, I need you to make me a promise!" Barney said with a bit of a twitch in his voice. He was sitting on the couch in my apartment next to Marshall. "If I die before I sleep with her, you sleep with her for me!"
"Dude, you're being crazy… It's 5 days; you waited like what 18 years before you had sex for the first time?" Marshall asked.
"Yes, but it's like alcohol… or-"
'Sandwiches, kids, it was like sandwiches!'
"You were 15 before you ate your first sandwich, but now we can't go a month without hitting a sandwich once or twice." Barney said.
"Barney, you're really not looking so good, you're sopping wet." I said, I walked up to your Uncle Barney and gave him a beer. "Why don't you take off the suit?"
"Why don't you go to HELL?" Barney asked.
'That's when I knew this had gone too far, I took your Uncle Marshall into the kitchen and we made a plan.'
"Marhsall, he's acting crazy!"
"I don't know, Ted, he's making a lot of sense to me…" Marshall said, "Do you think we have a problem, with sandwiches, I mean Barney really got me thinking about it, we need to stop eating sandwiches! We're not college kids anymore!"
"What the hell? No that's not what I'm talking about… we need to get Barney laid."
'Your uncle Marshall proceeded to laugh for about 3 minutes straight, if I hadn't been so pissed I probably would have been happy for him, he'd broken his own 2003 record of 2 minutes 23 seconds.'
"You do realize that sad bastard has wasted the last 10 years of his life trying to get you laid, right?"
"Yeah, and normally I would bask about him going through sexual withdrawals, but I have a date tonight, and if I bring her back here, he better be gone."
"Don't worry, Ted, I'll get him back on the saddle." Marshall said, he began to turn around and return to the living room when turned back to me. "You don't have a saddle do you? It'd be a hell of an ice breaker."
Now I wasn't there, but from stories I'd gathered from everyone that was at MacLaren's with your uncle Barney this is what I gather happened.
"Alright, Barney, the first thing you need to understand is that this is completely disgusting, and I'm only helping you because that bitch you met at the bar last night screwed me over." Lily said.
"What the hell did Amber… err, Jessi—no… umm?" Barney was at a loss for the girl's name.
"Mandy"
"Yup!" Barney said snapping his fingers. "Mandy, what the hell did she do to you?"
"Well, this all happened back in 2000, I'd just graduated and I was spending my first week here in the city, there was a fundraiser at the humane society… it was a silent auction, and that little bitch followed me around and outbid me on everything… the only thing she let me have was the comforter Marshall and I have on our bed."
"Wait!" Marshall shouted, "You said that was a family heirloom!"
'In the minutes that preceded your aunt Lily and uncle Marshal had quite the fight, but that's not really important to this story. Your uncle Barney wandered away from the booth and up to the bar.
'I can't really prove anything that happened up at the bar, but Carl swears it happened.'
"Carl, I've got a round for everyone." Barney said. Everyone in the bar applauded, I mean, who doesn't like free drinks. Barney looked across the bar and found an incredibly attractive girl sitting across from him. "Carl, Carl!"
"What do you want?"
"Give everyone some ginger ale in wine glasses, except her." He motioned over toward the girl across the bar.
"Give her whatever the hell you think will knock her off her ass!"
Barney straightened up his tie and walked over to the girl.
"Excuse me, I seem to have lost something, and I didn't know if you could help me find it."
"Of course" she answered.
"It's your number."
She laughed a little; she then gave Barney the 'nod'.
'Now, I'm not a hundred percent sure what the nod is, but I've heard that when you see it, you know it.'
"Have you ever seen the inside of the men's bathroom?" Barney asked.
'Exactly 1 minute and 21 seconds later Barney reemerged from the restroom back to his normal self. Now I wish I could tell you that this somehow changed Barney, that waiting five dates made everything click in his life… but he was still the same old Barney, but after the fifth date, your uncle Barney did have an amazing discovery.'