'Well, I know you kids are enjoying the story about Uncle Barney, but for you to understand the rest of his story, I've got to break off to my night with Abby.'
'So I had taken her to MacLaren's and we were in the middle of what I have to saw was a really good date,'
"So, Ted, you said that you're an architect?" Abby asked.
"Yeah, I actually designed the new GNB Tower."
'I feel a little embarrassed now for bragging on the GNB Tower so much, but it got results… usually.'
"You designed the GNB Tower…" Abby sat there silently for a moment, and that was when I really knew something was wrong. "And you said your name was 'Ted Mosby'?"
"Umm… yeah." I said.
"Are you friends with Barney Stinson?"
"Oh, my God… did he give you a free Breast Exam?"
"No."
"Okay, we could play this game where I ask you about something awful he's done, and you say 'no', pretty much all night, or you could just tell me what he did to you."
"My great grandfather owned the Arcadian, and he slept with me to get his hands on the deed."
"And now we're building the new GNB Tower over the ashes of the Arcadian."
"Yes"
'I said "usually".
'Well, to make a long story short, Abby got really pissed, and the date ended… that was the last night I told girls about the Tower.
'When I went back to the apartment, I found your Uncle Barney, and his date. I walked in on Barney getting ready to take this girl to MY bedroom.'
"Barney!" Barney yelled at me. "What the hell are you doing in my apartment?"
"Umm, I live here, and my name's not Barney."
"Oh, my God, the amnesia came back!" Barney shouted, he jumped up off the couch and ran over to me. "I will give you 500 dollars to say you're Barney, and go back to my place and wait on me."
"Are you going to have sex with her in my bed?"
"That's the plan."
"Then, no."
"1,000 dollars."
"No"
"100,000 dollars."
"Okay, give me 100,000 dollars, Barney."
"Okay, you got me, I was bluffing… I will give you…" Barney pulled out his wallet and counted all the money, "332 dollars and," he then pulled out all the change in his pocket, "27 cents."
I grabbed the money out of your Uncle Barney's hands and proceeded to say, "And you buy me a complete new bed set."
"We may have had sex on the couch already"
"And a new couch."
"Deal!" Barney said, he reached out and shook my hand, "NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU FILTHY BASTARD!" Barney shouted.
"Okay, Ted." I said.
"Who is Ted?" Barney's girl asked.
"Yeah, I might have told her that my name is Marshall." Barney said with a smile. "What can I say, she likes Brett Favre."
"Barney, you are a sick son of a bitch." I rolled my eyes, "This'll cost you another 20 bucks!"
"Okay."
"Good night, Marshall" I shouted.
'Now even though I wasn't there I can assure you that this actually happened, mainly because your Uncle Barney filmed this date, and made me watch the video over several times.'
"So, where were we, Jodi?" Your Uncle Barney asked.
"Mandy"
"Oh, right."
"C'mon, Marshall, something doesn't seem quite right with you tonight."
"Gee, I'm sorry, but I was a virgin before, and this date is going well and I know what's going to happen tonight, it kind of freaks me out."
"Come over here and I'll set your mind at ease… again."
'Then your Uncle Barney got a weird smile on his face, I'd only ever seen this smile once before, and only one time since. It was a look that meant, I'm doing this, but I really want to be somewhere else.
'For you guys to really understand this, you need to understand something I didn't know until just recently… but at this very moment, your Uncle Barney was fantasizing about your Aunt Robin. For the first time in his life he was in love with a woman and every time he slept with a stranger it kind of dulled the pain he felt, but Mandy forcing him to get to know her, that killed Barney inside.'
"Would it be okay if you let me see your boobies again?" Barney asked. That weird look on his face suddenly went away.
'Just then, almost by fate, Mandy's phone rang.'
"Damnit!" Barney shouted.
"What? Ted Mosby… and you think his name should go with Barney Stinson?" Mandy closed her phone and put it back in her purse.
"What was that?" Barney asked.
"Oh I have to add some names to my book."
"What book?"
"The 'Gal Code'." She answered, "you see, it's like a rule book, for girls, when they're dating… pretty much do's and don'ts of dating in New York. And my friend Abby just gave me the names of two don'ts to add to the list…
"Wait, didn't your friend Barney call you Ted?"
"That's just a… just a coincidence" Barney answered… he laughed a little bit.
"Get out! Get the hell out!" Mandy yelled.
"For the love of God, this is my apartment, lady!"
"Oh, yeah…" Mandy said, she quieted down a bit, "Goodnight Marshall Erikson, or whatever the hell your name is!"
'Mandy left, and we never saw her again, but years later your Aunt Lily came across the book, but that's another story.
'And, even though your Uncle Barney told me to go back to his place, I actually gathered up the gang and went back to the bar.'
"So, he went through with it?" Robin asked. She knocked back a sip of her beer.
"Yup." I answered.
"And he used my name?" Marshall asked, he was obviously upset.
"That son of a bitch, he ruined my Marshmallow's name!" Lilly shouted.
"Yeah, you think you have something to worry about? When he abandons that girl, I'm going to have to be the one to explain to her why Barney doesn't live there."
"What is wrong with that guy? Usually he uses your name, what possessed him to use my name? My name isn't even that attractive!" Marshall shouted.
"Well, he said she liked Brett Favre" I said.
"Brett Favre… Brett Favre? Did they not see the 2010 football season…? I would have rather the Vikings not play than to play Favre!"
"Calm down baby… we can kill him when he comes down." Lily said.
"That makes it a little better." Marshall said.
"Well, I'll be happier when this is all over… it's unnatural for Barney to go out with a girl more than once, it's just not right." Robin said.
'That was when Barney made his way down to the bar.'
"Hey guys," Barney said, "if you can't tell, the date didn't go well."
"It serves you right, douchebag!" Marshall shouted.
"Well, I have some bad news for me, and some awful news for Ted."
"What, I let you use my apartment, and I still get screwed?" I asked.
"Well, Ashlee… err Cathy… err-"
"Mandy" Lily said.
"Mandy wrote a book, a cheap rip-off of the great Barnibus. She wrote a 'Gal Code'."
'We all gasped.'
"And it gets worse." Barney said. "Mid-date, she gets a call, and this girl she was on the phone with gave her the names of two guys never to sleep with, Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby."
"Seriously, how the hell did I get screwed?"
"Oh, my little Ted, it gets worse, the girl who called, was Abby… your Abby, you screwed up my date! You screwed up me getting to have sex with that girl!"
"Again" I said.
"Yes, again."
"Don't worry, Barney, you'll get back on the horse." Robin said, she seemed to have to force that.
"I don't know how big this book is, how many ditzy blondes have read this! My 83% success rate is heavily due to ditzy blondes!"
"It can't be that big, I'd never heard of it." Robin said.
"Yeah, me neither." Lily said. "It's small; it's probably just a group of like 3 friends nagging about past boyfriends."
"Plus, there's always a girl out there that would sleep with you no matter what the book says." Robin said with a small smile.
"Yeah, but the kind of girl that can't read can't catch a hint about going downstairs."
"C'mon Barney!" We all shouted.
"No, I mean they never want to leave in the morning." Barney said rolling his eyes. "I live upstairs they have to go downstairs… get your mind out of the gutter. Hey, I'll be right back, I'm gonna get a drink."
"It's on me," Robin said, she jumped up and followed Barney to the bar.
"Thanks, Robin." Barney said, they walked up to the bar together.
"You know," Robin said, "neither of us is in a committed relationship right now."
"Thanks for that, I wasn't feeling bad enough already." Barney smiled.
"No, I was saying we should get back together."
"No… we both know that's a bad idea." Barney said. "We don't want the same things… I mean, I left Nora for you, and then you got engaged, I've moved on." Barney was lying.
"No you haven't." Robin said. "The old Barney would've found a way to sleep with that girl, regardless of what that book said, but you took the first sign of a fight for an out, you want to get back together with me."
"I always did like planting my American flag on that Canadian landscape."
"Hey, you're an eighth Canadian."
"And you'll never let me forget it."
'Robin shook her head, she leaned forward and pulled Barney in, and they kissed. After a few seconds your Uncle Barney pulled away, and then he leaned back in and continued to kiss her.'
Barney pulled away again, "You are still gonna buy me that drink, right?"