The Life and Times of the Kazekage's Assistant

Disclaimer:I don't own Naruto. This story is inspired by a novel by Lauren Weisberger. I do, however, own Imamura Tsubasa, Tenchi Hoshiro, Suzuki Sorachi, Sendo Kanoka, and Kawasaki Tazuna, any other Ocs and the plot.

Author's Note: This chapter should be humorous. I hope you enjoy it. :)

Chapter Eight: Effing

My boss and I walked down to the council room. He had a meeting with the council that morning about the Kazekage's public relations. They wanted him to do charities or some kind of community service so the public would know he wasn't some tyrant monster of Suna. In my opinion, they could have put it a little lighter than they had. I knew my boss had an aversion to the word 'monster'. I frowned as I took my seat next to him in the council room. It was to be an all day affair, and I doubt the lunch breaks were very long. I had taken the liberty in alerting cafeteria services to be ready to prepare meals on the spot when I called them. If I starved, it was of no concern to me because according to Temari, I would gain weight like an elephant if I maintained my eating habits (what they failed to realize is that I had a high metabolism and that I burned an unspeakable amount of calories while running Temari's stupid errands) but I couldn't let my boss starve. He had to be fed properly. Geez, I almost sounded like a wife trying to fatten up her husband. Well, I guess you could say I kind of was his wife. We were both married to our work.

"Kazekage-sama," began one of the council members, "The villagers are frightened by your cold demeanor. Perhaps you can do some things to get them to like you?"

I turned to my boss. He was grimacing, and I could tell he was about to go off on them. This wouldn't be good because it wasn't wise to have a bad relationship with the council (and believe me, Gaara and the council were not the best of friends). "You can't expect him to go kissing babies and saving cats from trees. It's not Lord Kazekage's job to do those things. He's already doing his job by protecting Suna. Let us not forget when Kazekage-sama risked his own life for Suna when we were attacked by the Akatsuki member Deidara," I pointed out, "We were all extremely providential that old woman Chiyo gave her life for his." I gave him a reassuring smile to let him know I had his back. I had done my research on the Kazekage's heroic deeds to make sure I was prepared for this meeting.

"She is right," replied a councilwoman as the others began to agree with her. She turned to me and the Kazekage. "What do you, Lord Kazekage, suggest we do to make your public relations better?"

Gaara shrugged and said, "Not my strong point."

"Kazekage-sama… if I may take this," I whispered to him. He gave me a nod and watched me intently. My heart began to beat heavily against my chest and I could feel sweat beginning to fall from my forehead like a string of glistening beads. I was nervous. I couldn't blow this for my boss and yet I had to satisfy the council with this one proposition. "We have the Sakura Festival coming up and I think if Kazekage-sama helped to build and set it up the people will see that he's taking his time to help out in the community. I will join him as well in assisting with the event. He can also give an opening speech to the people to officially open up the celebration."

"An excellent idea," squealed the councilwoman from before, "I do believe you made a good decision in hiring her as your assistant Lord Kazekage." She smiled at me and I forced myself to smile back although the sight of more gums than teeth grossed me out a bit. "Lord Kazekage, are you okay with the idea?"

"It's fine," he replied, still gazing at me admiringly. I felt a bit embarrassed that he was still staring. I could feel the council members noting in their heads that the Kazekage was undeniably admiring me at the moment. Some nodded and some smiled at me. I sheepishly returned the smile. I hope this meant good things for my future as a council member.

"Looks like we can adjourn this meeting a lot earlier than we expected," said the councilman directly across from me, "Everyone?" The other council members agreed and so did Gaara. He gave a simple nod and rose from his seat. He walked toward the door and waited for me to approach. He courteously opened the door and allowed me to walk through first.

The Kazekage and I walked side by side. He had invited me to lunch with him, saying he had to thank me for what I did in the council room. I had agreed to lunch. It was a chance to not have to return to the office early so Temari could boss me around and have me do nearly unfeasible errands. Again, he held the door open for me and allowed me to enter first as I walked into Hariyama. It was a very nice place to eat lunch yet it was still casual. I had often made reservations for Temari to eat there with her friends but had never eaten there myself. By frequently making reservations for Temari I had taken it to mean that she liked the place very much and that the food was delicious. If it hadn't been to Temari's liking, Hariyama would have gone out of business. I had no doubts about that.

We stood and awaited the host to seat us. I stood behind the Kazekage to let him do the talking. "Table for one," asked the host as he grabbed a menu from behind his counter.

"Two," said Gaara as the host strained to see me from behind the Kazekage. Was it that impossible to believe that Gaara perhaps had a friend or coworker or assistant that didn't mind eating lunch with him? It wasn't as if he was insufferable. Temari was insufferable and even she had friends to eat lunch with or spend time with.

"I'll get you two a quiet table then," said the host as he grabbed another menu and led us to the table he had promised. It had been a table toward the back a bit. It was nice because it was away from the crowded tables. There were only three tables filled next to ours and they were well distanced and only seated couples. "Here you are," said the host, "Your waiter will be with you in a moment." He took off to maintain his post at the front of the restaurant.

As promised, a waiter popped up out of nowhere before I knew it. He bowed politely to the Kazekage and then to me. "Can I start you off with drinks," he asked as he scratched his cheeks nervously.

"Green tea," said Gaara as he began to look through his menu.

"I'll have the same," I said as I admired some delicious looking lobster rolls I spotted in the menu. The waiter nodded and took off to retrieve the drinks. I was good about feeling an ominous stare on me and so I glanced to my left to notice there were a few spectators in the restaurant. I wanted to say something rude, especially to a fat lady that actually had the audacity to gawk with her mouth open (revealing a half chewed roll of sushi…Disgusting!).

"They're not used to seeing me out with a woman other than my sister," said Gaara quietly. I was shocked that he could somehow know what was going on because I had noted that his eyes had never left his menu. I was also surprised that he said anything. He wasn't very talkative and he had initiated conversation first.

"I take it you don't date much then," I murmured. I hadn't meant to say it aloud for him to hear. It had started off as a thought but I guess my tongue slipped it out.

"I do not," he replied as his eyes looked up into mine. "And you?" That was odd for him to say. He was curious about me? Very odd… That was something I would have expected from Matsuri or Kanoka to ask because they were being nosy. Was it perhaps that Gaara was actually interested in figuring out what kind of girl I was?

"Not anymore," I admitted, "Dating is… complicated." I sighed as I felt the need to explain further what I meant. His round teal eyes were just staring into mine, waiting patiently for me. "I mentioned a summer romance once… it didn't work out, and so I decided that it wasn't for me… I have other things that are more important to me." We both grew quiet for a moment and I soon grew the nerve to ask, "Why don't you date?"

The waiter had finally come back with our drinks and asked us if we were ready to order. I allowed Gaara to order first because I was still debating. After Gaara had ordered his food I had reached a decision on mine and ordered as well. The waiter had informed us that our food would be prepared soon and took off. He looked a bit nervous as he scurried away to the back kitchen to drop off the order. I opted for silence because I wasn't going to ask my question again. It probably wasn't appropriate for me to pry about such things and that's why he hadn't answered but then he surprised me. "In answer to your question," he said with his soft voice, "Perhaps you've heard rumors that I do not find women attractive?" I nodded. I had heard those rumors but I hadn't been sure if I believed them. "I find the opposite sex attractive enough to admire from a distance but not enough to find myself childishly infatuated or tempted by them." He had a point there, I noted as he paused to choose his next words carefully. "Women do not desire me."

I almost choked on my tea. Don't desire him? Don't desire him! He was mad, stark raving mad! Of course women desired him! He was drop dead gorgeous. He obviously was very confused about what women thought about him. My jaw had dropped, amazed still. Hadn't he been paying attention when Matsuri flirted with him or seen Kanoka ogling him all the time? Hadn't he noticed me blushing around him or my stuttering? "Gomen nasai Kazekage-sama, and please excuse me if I sound a bit out of place here but… that's not true at all… Haven't you seen the way Matsuri and Kanoka stare at you?"

The Kazekage shrugged. "I'm not relationship material," he said to me, "That's what Temari tells me. Besides, I suspect that the only reason why Matsuri and Kanoka stare is because they are one-dimensional girls that only care for outer appearance or social status." He shrugged and said, "Temari told me that as well… but I can't help but agree with her."

I chuckled as the waiter set down our food. Temari had actually said something valuable and true for a change. "I can't argue with you there." I felt bad immediately after saying so. I hoped he didn't think I meant so about him not being a relationship material part and so I strategically tried to correct the problem. "Matsuri and Kanoka are the kind of girls who do not care about inner beauty…" He seemed to accept this because he nodded and began to eat his food. I decided to do the same and began to munch on mine. I had ordered the delicious lobster roll I was eyeballing from before. "Oshii," I murmured as I finished swallowing my fifth piece. I looked up at my boss, a bit embarrassed at my lack of restraint. Crying out 'oshii' because the food was delicious was something to do around friends, not around the Kazekage. "Would you like to try one?" I asked him. It wasn't the type of lobster roll to hog all to yourself; it was the type to share with anyone and everyone you could. He seemed a bit shocked by the offer and I took it that no one had really taken the time to offer him anything out of kindness. Still he nodded and so I turned my dish so that it faced him and he could select whatever piece he desired. He picked a small one out of the plate and willed it toward his mouth with his chopsticks. I smiled triumphantly to myself. I could tell he was enjoying it because he licked his lips afterwards. "You can have as many as you want," I said to him, "I'm nearly full anyway." I ate one last roll and set my chopsticks down, utterly satisfied with my meal. I smiled as he took the last two rolls from the dish and ate them. He had accepted my offer.

"I wanted to thank you for assisting me with the council," he murmured as he sipped his green tea. He looked positively handsome as he set the cup back down and waited for me to reply.

I nodded and said, "It's my job… to assist you." I was inwardly cursing myself for saying something that sounded so stupid. At least he nodded to what I said and began to make some conversation with the plans for the Sakura festival. I made a few suggestions to what he could do and I told him I would help him out with whatever activity he would do to set up. I wasn't going to leave him to do something by himself. He clearly needed guidance (companionship!). Seeing as Matsuri and Kanoka were too distracted to offer anything but a pair of ogling eyes instead of a hand, I would have to take charge and help out my boss as much as I could meanwhile cater to Temari's needs as well. That entire office would fall apart, if I wasn't there, to shambles.

My boss and I had returned to the office together and I couldn't help but relish in my enjoyment at the sight of Matsuri's and Kanoka's disappointed little bitch faces. The smile I had carried into the office disappeared when I found a letter sitting on my desk. I opened the envelope, already knowing what it must be about. My guess had been correct. It was signed by many of the feudal lords that resided in surrounding villages of Suna. There was a lack of crops and many of their villagers were suffering. They were now asking Suna for help. I growled slightly as I got up from my chair and made my way to the Kazekage's room, ignoring Matsuri's snide comment of, "I wonder what they do in there all the time," And the chortles of Kanoka.

"Kazekage-sama," I said as I entered the room. My voice carried a tone of the utmost urgency.

"Hn." His eyes unglued themselves from the paperwork before him and looked up to me.

"The feudal lords have sent me a letter," I said as I placed the letter on his desk so he could read it as I continued speaking, "There is a dramatic decrease in their crops this year and they fear that if it does not increase by this upcoming year that their people will starve and the farm workers will suffer."

"Is there a cause to the decrease?" asked the Kazekage as his eyes quickly scanned the letter for it in case they would reach it sooner than his ears would.

"Lack of seeds and bad weather," I replied as he set the letter down. He grew quiet for a long time, thinking about what to do. "We could send over some of Suna's farm workers or ship more of our crops to them… we have been very abundant this year," I suggested as I brushed my bangs out of my eyes.

"Hn… That would work," he said as he folded the letter up and put it back into its envelope, "I trust that you'll take care of it?"

"No problem. I'll get to it right away," I said and then shortly left the room thereafter. As I walked back into the assistant's suite my phone began to ring. "Moshi," was all I had started to say because I grew tired of saying the excruciatingly long sentence that I usually did.

"Tsubasa," said that she-devil's voice, "I need you to call up the model that tripped on the last runway show and tell her she's fired. Also I need you to fire the makeup artist that was flirting with my date to last night's dinner party. Make haste." Click.

I sighed as I plopped down at my desk. I hated calling up people and firing them. I felt terrible over it, especially when they would start crying and begging for their job. There was nothing I could do about it because Temari's word in the fashion industry was law. Those who didn't obey her laws got fired. First up was poor Minori Hatori. I was fond of her too but only because I liked the fact that her name rhymed. It was strange that nearly two months later Temari was telling me to fire her. I suspected that Hatori must have tripped a few more times or done something else to offend Temari to make Temari want to fire her.

"Moshi, moshi. Hatori-san?" I greeted as the model cheerily answered the phone. "I have some bad news… you've been let go." I wish I could say that she took the news well but that would be lying. She began to break down crying, telling me it wasn't her fault she tripped. She blamed the shoe company and then I reminded her that Desert Kitsune made her shoe (Temari's brand). She then cussed herself out, which was really awkward for me, and began blaming herself for everything. "I have to go, Hatori-san… Gomen nasai… I wish I could talk longer but I have many things to tend to." I had things to tend to like saving the Wind Country from dysentery due to lack of crops but I didn't mention that to her because for some reason I strongly believed she would find a way to blame herself for that as well. I took a deep breath and began to dial the next girl; makeup artist Miyami. Just Miyami. She was so primadonna she had dropped her last name and was only to be spoken to by her first. She wouldn't answer to anything else. I think she was a bit conceited over her makeup abilities and so I didn't feel so guilty firing her for Temari. "Moshi, moshi. Miyami?" She clarified to me that it was indeed Miyami. "I have some bad news… you've been let go." Her reaction was totally opposite of Hatori's. Miyami had some choice words to say to me rather than saving them for herself like Hatori had. It wasn't my fault she was fired, it was her own or it was Temari's. She could at least blame that twit Matsuri for giving her a bad critique as well as telling Temari what an insult it was for Miyami to go out with one of her dinner dates without waiting a month to do so (this was a rule of Temari's; her 'ten commandments' so to speak, which I will go into later because they are posted on the bulletin board behind Matsuri's desk). It wasn't that Temari took Matsuri's opinion too seriously but there were other bad assessments on the makeup Miyami used and Matsuri's comment had sealed the deal.

"You can't fire me you bitch!"

"I can, and I just did."

"You bitch! I'll come and effing skin you alive." Effing, huh? Now that was an interesting word. I took it she meant it to replace the actual 'f' word. I had heard Matsuri say it many times before but had given it no extra thought. After hearing it from Miyami, I now had a new understanding of 'effing'. Something else that amazed me that Miyami seemed to do was put an added emphasis on her curse words. It really was fascinating to hear her foul language and so I decided to draw it out of her a bit more.

"I think you forget I live in the heavily guarded Sand Castle."

"I'll get through, and I'll get you in your effing sleep."

"Fine and dandy… You're still fired… and if you want a criminal record then by all means, commit a heinous act. It doesn't bother me."

"Bother you? I'm going to chop off your effing head, biiiiiiitch."

I sighed into the phone. I hadn't wanted to do this (well, actually I did, but I just didn't want to face any consequences later for doing what I had wanted), but I told her the truth. "Please direct your anger to Matsuri. She's the one who got you fired."

"She effing what?"

"Mat-soo-ree," I said, carefully enunciating her name slowly so that Miyami would know who to 'skin alive.'

"Matsuri? Why that little bitch! Put that effing slut on the phone!"

"I'd effing love to, but I can't. Goodbye." I hung up on that dense woman as I laughed at my own boldness. I had just used the word 'effing.' I believe it was the only language that Miyami seemed to understand. The woman clearly had tourettes. I doubt that the fact that she went out with one of Temari's dates too soon was the only reason why Temari wanted her gone. The worst thing about it all was that I got the strangest feeling that it wouldn't be the last I heard of Miyami and her foul mouth; there were sure to be other encounters. I sighed as I brushed my pink hair behind my ears. Now that all that was out of the way, I had a crop crisis to solve and handle.

Author's Note: Well, that's the effing end. ;)

I hope everyone liked that Tsubasa took charge a bit and let Matsuri take the rightful blame. There are more funny times to come so stay tuned for the next chapter. Please review to let me know what you think. :)