Chapter 20: Never Let Go
Can you lose everything, you ever had planned?
Can you sit down again, and play another hand?
Could you risk everything, for the chance of being alone?
Under pressure find the grace, or would you come undone?
With a pounding head she slowly sat up. She didn't speak right away, she waited for the room to stop spinning before opening her mouth.
"Nice of you to join us in the conscious world" Shane greeted her bitterly.
"Don't start with me ok Shane … I've heard enough" she looked around her at the mess she had created.
Liquor bottles and beer cans littered the floor, cigarette buds were scattered all over the coffee table. Slowly she got off the floor where she passed out the night before. Shane's disapproving gaze followed her as she went to go brush her teeth.
"What time is it?" she asked.
Shane, who was leaning against the door frame, glanced at his watch.
"Almost 2" he replied.
"Shit … why didn't you wake me up" she groaned. She had so much to do today and she had spent most of the day sleeping.
"I'm sorry princess but I figured the more sleep you got the less hung over you might be" he retorted coldly.
"Loose the attitude Shane I'm a big girl and if I want to get drunk and have fun I will" she rolled her eyes at him and hastily bumped into his as she passed by.
"Not with 3 little boys asleep upstairs you won't"
"What do I care I mean Phin is getting taken away from us anyways so what does it matter"
Shane sighed as he slammed his fist into the wooden doorframe. Ashley looked startled as she stared at him in astonishment.
"So you are just giving up then … you hit one little speed bump and you just hand that little boy over"
"What do you know of it Shane he's not your son … your boys are safe and sound … your boys don't ever have to worry about being taken from you" Ashley spat at him.
"I love that little boy as if he was my own son … can Phin say that about you lately" Shane simply shook his head before walking out of the house.
Ashley screamed and sent a pile of clean dishes crashing to the floor. She hated this … she hated Shane right now and most of all she hated feeling so helpless. She knew if she kept acting the way she was Phinnigan was as good as gone. She rested her head against the cool surface of the counter top and closed her eyes.
I don't wanna close my eyes I don't wanna fall asleep 'Cause I'd miss you, babe And I don't wanna miss a thing.
She groaned as she picked her head up off the counter. She dragged herself over to the other side of the kitchen to where her cell phone was.
"What" she snapped into the phone.
"Geez … what the hell is the matter with you"
"My life that is what is wrong with me" she muttered making her way to the living room before collapsing on the couch.
"It'll get better Ash and you know that"
"Court, I totally blew up at Shane … I'm worried about John … and to top that all off people are trying to take my son away from me and that is just at the top of the list of things that couldn't possibly get any worse"
"What's the matter with John?" Courtney asked concerned.
"I told him about Kelly" she sheepishly admitted.
"YOU DID WHAT!!!!" Ashley held the phone away from her ear "ARE YOU FRICKIN INSANE"
"Well nobody told me that he didn't know and your boyfriend was supposed to tell him months ago"
"Damn … well that explains a lot I guess"
"What do you mean?" Ashley asked lighting up her first cigarette of the day.
"Well John took a few days off and he hasn't been answering when Randy or I call him"
"Ok well at least I know it isn't just me … I've tried to call him a few times since he stormed out of the diner we were at and I haven't heard anything from him since and that was like a week and a half ago"
"He probably just needs some time by himself to process what you told him" Courtney reasoned "he was really upset after he found out about the "miscarriage" so finding out he mourned the loss of a baby that was never really there is probably driving him crazy"
"I'm really worried about him" Ashley admitted.
"What you need to be worried about is your relationship with Shane … from what I've been hearing you guys have been fighting something fierce lately"
"He's less than pleased about the new habits I've taken up" Ash stamped out her cigarette and lit another one. She took a deep drag and just held it in her lungs for a few seconds before exhaling.
"So it's true all the rumors about you drinking and partying like you are the next Britney Spears" Courtney asked a little appalled.
"Well I wouldn't go that far but yes I have taken up smoking and drinking which is something I haven't done since I was in high school but you know what I need something to help me relax"
"There are other ways to unwind" Courtney said.
"Court … you know what when you have kids and someone threatens to take them away from you then you can tell me what to do ok"
"I was just trying to help…"
"I'm sorry Court, I know you were it's just I think I'm going crazy"
"How about I come and pick up Phin for the night and you and Shane can have some time to talk about everything"
"Yeah that would be great … he gets home from daycare at 3:30 so come pick him up around 4"
"Will do"
"Court … I'm sorry again I shouldn't have gone off on you like that" Ashley apologized sincerely.
"Just try and pull yourself together before Phin gets home ok"
After she hung up the phone Ashley managed to get herself into the shower and dressed. Her head was clearer now and she started to clean up the house. When she was done it looked almost respectable again. She had no idea how everything had gotten this far, all she wanted to do was try and ease her fears about loosing her son. She took a few deep breaths and had a few more cigarettes.
"I need a drink" she said to herself.
She rummaged around the house but much to her unhappiness Shane had either thrown out or hid all the alcohol they had in their home.
"I HATE THIS PLACE" she screamed to no one in particular.
Her body felt like lead weights and she could feel herself growing more and more light headed as each second ticked by. Somehow she made it to the couch before she passed out again.
Shane walked into the house an hour later. He rolled his eyes as he saw once again his girlfriend passed out. He walked over to her and placed two fingers on her throat to make sure she still had a pulse, something he was almost ashamed her seemed to do a lot recently. He looked around the house and was almost impressed that she had managed to clean up. The thing that bothered him was that he knew she was scared to death at the possibility that they might loose Phinnigan but he just wished that she would let him help her instead of getting drunk all the time. He walked over to their stereo and turned it on. Radio Nowhere by Bruce Springsteen began blaring full blast from the speakers which just so happened to be right by Ashley's head.
She jumped up off the couch and landed hard on the floor. She glared at him and he just stood there smirking with his arms crossed.
"Fuck you McMahon" she grumbled standing up.
"Why you do it so much better than I ever could" he taunted her "so how much have you had to drink today"
"Nothing … I haven't had anything to drink"
"Wow! What's the occasion?"
"I don't have to stand here and take this abuse"
"The only abuse around here is what you are doing to yourself" he countered "and I have something or should I say someone here to make you change your ways mighty quickly"
As if on cue Isa walked into the living room. She wore a look of disgust on her face, Shane had filled her in on the details but part of her couldn't believe how low her best friend had sunk until now.
"I'm going to pick up Phinnigan" she said not even bothering to greet one of her oldest friends.
"No, I'll pick up Phin … you get to stay here and catch up"
"I'm away from you for a little more than a year and you completely hit rock bottom … what the hell is the matter with you"
"Isa, I'm going to say this once stay out of this" Ashley warned her.
"Oh yeah let me take advice from the lush"
"Isabella I will kick your ass and not think twice about it" Ashley tried again to warn her.
"The Ashley I remember would never raise her hand to her best friend"
"Well the Ashley you knew also believed in happy endings and we both know they don't exist" Ashley countered.
"Why are you loosing hope … you haven't lost your son yet? Why are you so quick to throw in the towel" Isabella couldn't understand at all why her best friend was acting like this.
"Why doesn't everyone just leave me the fuck alone and let me deal with this in my own way"
"Ok Britney but you know keep it up you are going to have nothing"
Ashley finally got tired of people calling her Britney so she brought her arm back and punched the wall which was just mere inches from Isa's face. Isa just stood there unblinking, she seemed unphased by the whole scene that just happened. Ashley looked at her hand which was already starting to bruise.
"Y… you know what … I need a cigarette" with shaking hands she managed to get a cigarette into her mouth and light it. She took a drag and blew out the smoke right in Isa's face. Isabella just stood there taking the abuse after all she had always been the more mature one of the two. Ashley was hardheaded and didn't like to get help from people add that to the fact she always had to be right and you got pretty frustrating results.
"You keep going down this path you are going to loose everything … Shane, your son … everything" Isabella advised her.
The front door opened and Phinnigan came running in. He ran to his mother and tugged on her pants for her to pick him up. Which she did of course but not before putting her cigarette out. He crinkled his nose and waved his hand in front of his face.
"Phin did you see who came all the way here to see you?" Ashley asked trying to get everyone off her case for a little while.
"Isa!" Phinnigan exclaimed excitedly.
"Hey there little guy" Isabella took Phinnigan from Ashley "I have a present for you"
"Yay!" was Phinnigan's reply.
"Well I'd better go pack his bag" Ashley said making an excuse to not be in the same room with Shane.
"Why where is he going?" Shane asked.
"Court is taking him for the night" she replied.
Phinnigan came running back into the room with a sombrero and a pair of maracas. Ashley eyes him with amusement, his eyes were wide as he shook the maracas.
"Phin did you say thank you?" Ashley asked.
"Yep" he replied.
"Well guess what you get to spend the night with Auntie Courtney" she told him.
He really didn't seem too affected by the news cause he was always hanging out with his cool Auntie Courtney. Ashley looked from Shane to Isabella who had just reentered the room.
"Well I'd better go get a bag ready" she said picking up Phinnigan and taking him to his room.
Isabella followed her, she took in the room before her. Two cribs lined one wall above each crib mounted on the wall was the name of the boy the crib belonged to. Phinnigan sat cross-legged on the light blue carpet playing with his trucks. He looked up as Isa entered the room and gave her a smile.
"You sure you want him away from you this close to the court date?" Isa advised her. The court date was only a week away now.
"Apparently me and Shane have some stuff to work out" Ashley remarked not really paying attention.
"What happened to you Ash … I just talked to you a month ago and you seemed so happy?"
"Well right after I got that phone call I got another one saying that Phinnigan's birthparents wanted him back so that kinda put a damper on my happiness" she retorted sarcastically.
"So you want to loose everything then because that is what is going to happen if you continue the way you have been behaving the past couple of weeks"
"They can't take anything away from you if you have nothing"
"Phin do you want to wear your red pajamas or the blue ones tonight?" Ashley asked her son.
"Blue"
"Alrighty then you are all packed little boy"
Just as Ashley was finishing zipping up Phinnigan's overnight bag the door bell rang. Phinnigan dashed ahead of them to be the first one to greet Courtney.
"Nene" Phinnigan greeted her.
"Hey there Tootsie Roll get over here" she held out her arms for Phinnigan to give her a hug.
Phinnigan jumped into her arms and she stood back up so she was holding the baby.
"Gimme a high five" Phinnigan did as he was told.
"Hey Court" Shane kissed Courtney's cheek "thanks for watching him tonight"
"No prob" Courtney said "you remember my sister Becky right"
"I thought your sister's name is Tiffany" Shane said.
"It is but I hate the name Tiffany so people call me by my middle name Rebecca" the young woman explained.
"Becky … it's been too long" Ashley greeted Becky with a hug.
"Yes it has" Becky looked Ashley over and the woman before her was not the same one she remembered hanging out with all the time last year.
"Well we should be going … we'll see you later Brit" Courtney teased taking the bag from Ashley and grabbing Phinnigan's coat.
'Try not to have too much fun there Paris" Ashley shot back with a smug grin.
"Touché … touché" Courtney said shutting the door behind her.
Later that night Ashley snuck into Phinnigan and Kenyon's room and just stood by her son's crib. She placed both hands on the guard rail and took a few deep breaths willing herself not to break down. She hadn't lost him yet and if she kept thinking she was going to loose him then she had already lost him.
"What are you doing in here?" Shane asked coming to stand next to her.
"I'm so afraid of loosing my baby Shane … I don't think I could handle it if the judge rules against us" she tearfully admitted.
"Baby you can't think like that" he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"I can't help it; I look at him and being to panic"
"Any judge who gives a toddler back to the parents that left him to die with a parking lot is an idiot and you know that" Shane said.
"You don't understand Shane … I am the only mother that little boy has ever know and I am just supposed to hand him over to two complete strangers who obviously didn't give a damn if their son lived or died … what if they try and hurt him or starve him and I'll never know and all he will think is why did my mommy leave me with these horrible people … didn't she love me"
Ashley moved across the room to the window and looked out into the back yard. The moonlight shined in through the window and it gave Ashley and almost translucent eerie look.
"How am I supposed to look him in the eyes and tell him that he can't live with us anymore … how do you tell a toddler than even though you fought as hard as you could they still have to leave the only people they have ever known?"
"I don't have any answers for you baby" was all Shane could say.
"That is why I started drinking because I thought it would help take away the pain but nothing does I still feel it"
"How can you be so sure that custody will be awarded back to his parents?" Shane asked her.
"Because if I were the biological mother I would stop at nothing until I had my baby boy back in my arms" she said turning to look at him.
She was pale and looked almost like a ghost to Shane. A ghost of her former self was reflecting through in the moonlight.
"If you were his biological mother you wouldn't have left him at Walmart to begin with"
"I'm just so sick of feeling helpless" she grunted grabbing at her hair in a frustrated manner.
"Whatever happens we will get through this together and if the judge takes Phinnigan away from us we will do everything we can to get him back because no one is taking our son away from us … no one"
And in that moment Ashley felt hopeful again. She wasn't sure if it was Shane's words that lit the fire in her soul or if it was the passionate way he had said them. But for the first time in weeks she could see clearly and now she knew what was really important and that was her baby boy and she would fight with every ounce in her to make sure her baby stayed where he belonged, with his family.
A/N: I would like to thank the character Nathan Scott (One Tree Hill) for inspiring me to write this chapter. I would also like to thank Tiffany for the nickname Tootsie Roll. You rock Becky!