A/N: Every time I try to start this chapter, something happens. Like, I'll puke. Or, I'll feel all like 'zomg I'ma pass out O:' and I'll freak out. It's like I was not meant to write this chapter, lol.

And so you all know, I have never been married, therefore never needed anything close to divorce papers. So I'm totally making things up as I go along, though I did do a liiiittle research. :)

Ps- Again, words in bold, italics, and underlined are lyrics. :) Enjoy?

Many Shades Of Black

Ch. 3:

Chapter In Which The Tape Is Found, Batman Pays A Visit, And One Hot Double Date Begins.

Song(s):

Seduction – Alesana

(I've changed the song at least 4 times, bare with me XD)

"Why, Alice! I'm shocked! You didn't even tell me you were dating."

I hadn't really thought of how awkward it would be to call my lawyer friend – he was gay; so it wasn't awkward in that sense – and tell him I got married on a whim.

"Well… I wasn't. That's what the call is about, I'm afraid. I was actually wondering how fast you could come up with the paperwork that would be required for a divorce?"

Garrett cleared his throat in surprise. "Alice, I hate to ask, but would Emmett sign these papers?"

Even over the phone I could tell he was grimacing.

"…probably not. Is that a problem?" I figured it was, I got myself into this, I couldn't count on Garrett to be my knight in shining armor.

"Well, without his consent, there's a waiting period, and then if you can convince the court you are unfit to be wed any longer, they will divorce the two of you."

I sighed as relief coursed through my veins. I can fix this. I don't have to stay married to him! I thought, bouncing gleefully.

"Thanks so, so, so much Garrett! I owe you! Wait, no, we're even." I said, laughter ever present in my voice.

"Yah, can we not discuss that? Ha, I'll talk to you later, Alice. Hopefully on a good note next time? Take care, bye."

"Cya." I closed the phone, shoving it roughly into the right pocket on my mini before happy-dancing in the hallway outside my bathroom.

But, as I've said before, the big oaf had to ruin everything. I turn, hearing the thud of his steps. Even he can't ruin this moment! I thought, triumphantly. And then I actually looked at him, and what he was wearing. Or should I say, what he wasn't wearing.

There stood Emmett, in the hallway, completely naked. Sure, I had seen him in the apron not two hours before, but tame Emmett partially nude, and excited Emmett fully nude were two different brain-frazzling concepts.

I struggled to keep my eyes above his waist as I spoke, "Hubby dearest," I started, gritting my teeth, "Is it absolutely necessary to walk around my apartment nude?"

"Well, wifey, you see, I was still in my apron, but I found your room rather messy, so I started cleaning, and you'll never guess what I found in your closet!"

My eyes widened, and I'm sure I was ten shades of red. I, Alice, blushed. It wasn't my 'little friend' as I'd grown to calling my useful yellow rabbit friend (A/N: If anyone can tell me which story I got the yellow rabbit from, I will give them a shout-out in the form of their choosing next chapter. ;D), I wouldn't be half as embarrassed at I was.

No rather, it was… the tape. Now that I could focus on something other than Little Emmett (who was not so little), I noticed the exact tape front my thoughts in his left hand. Shit.

"So, Ali, the tape was completely blank, just lying on a shelf, dying to be watched. I mean, it's not in DVD form, so I was sure something juicy had to be on it. Of course I had to see what was on this mystery tape! But, what I saw, is sure to be burned in my memory for all eternity," he laughed, that booming laugh that under normal circumstances would cheer everyone in the room, but I was too far gone in my anger/embarrassment to take much notice. "I have to ask, is that Bella with you? The brunette that was over last night?"

I didn't answer, he knew it was.

"I have a few more questions, Ali," I started to retreat, fleeing to the kitchen. "Did you do this often?" I didn't dignify him with an answer, instead, went to do dishes, and found them already put away.

"Yes, I did dishes. That's what I went in the bathroom earlier for, to grab your plate – who takes food in the bathroom, anyways? But please tell me?" His eyes were huge, and the blue seemed so deep I could fall in. I was going to lose, I could feel it. When he whispered, "Please?" in the low, husky tone I've come to call the pre-sex voice, I answered, hoping to silence him.

"In college… I needed the money. Big time. My adoptive father was an arrogant rich prick, but told me and Jazzy we needed to earn our way through college. Jasper took up bartending, and still does that now. There were few job openings though… and before I knew it, I found myself starring in cheesy porn flicks, like the one you're holding." I grimaced. That was word vomit in the finest form, but what else could you call the movie he was holding? Definitely not anything in the least bit cultured, so 'cheesy porn flick' it was. And Emmett resembled an old cartoon, jaw on the floor, tongue unrolling.

"But, why was Bella in it?" Another groan from me.

"That's actually how I… met Bella." A moment passed, and then Emmett was on the floor, in hysterics.

"You – laugh – met – laugh – your best friend – laugh – in – laugh – the porn industry?"

I threw my hands up, letting out a frustrated growl, and jumped over his curled body, looking for somewhere to get away from him. Maybe he's right, my apartment is too small.

Apparently, he had recovered, because suddenly I heard his voice right behind me. "So, Bella was good I take it?" I could hear the smile in his voice. Two can play this game.

"Actually, she sought me out and we became best friends, so I would assume that means I'm the better out of us two. Not that you'll ever get to be the judge of that." I said boldly, turning to face him, hands on my hips, and a smirk on my lips. He surprised me again though, and had a shit-eating grin on his face.

"I may not be able to compare – now – but I know little Emmett sure liked your movie. Which brings us back to why I no longer have my apron…" He trailed off, suggestively. "By the way, I'm just repaying you. I mean, when I came in the bathroom to get your plate, I saw you all naked and wet," he winked, "I'm not wet, but you've seen me in the nuuuuuuuude now!" His shit-eating grin returned.

I couldn't deny I was attracted to Emmett. But it was almost completely physical. I mean, he was a beast, no one could deny. Those gorgeous blue eyes stunned me. But, I wasn't going to sleep with him. Well, not sober, anyways.

Do you remember me and our beautiful affair?

Look in my eyes and honestly tell me our love is gone!

"Aw, huuuun, whatcha thinkin' 'bout?! Because all I can think about are those moves you pulled in that video. Are you still that flexible?"

Just to torture him a bit, I slid down until my legs were flat against the ground on either side of me (it didn't go unnoticed by Emmett that my skirt had to slide quite a ways up to accomplish this), grabbed each ankle with a hand, and touched my nose to the floor in front of me, then popped up to a standing position.

"Oh, fuck me." I heard him gasp, and although I wasn't looking (at the moment), I saw his dick twitch in response.

"Emmett. Put clothes on," I took a few steps closer, so I was almost touching his torso, "and you might want to take a cold shower, little emmie won't be getting any action." He scrunched his nose, picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder, which put my face in a pretty awkward position – right beside his marvelous ass.

"EMMETT SOMETHING CULLEN-" He interrupted my vociferous scream, "McCarty." And I could tell he was smiling. "EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN. PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!" I slammed my fists into his back, and I felt the vibrations from his boisterous laughter.

I internally groaned at my wardrobe choice for today. Underneath my mini, I was only wearing a white thong – who wants panty lines? I'm sure he enjoyed the view.

I lifted my head enough to grasp that he was hauling me to my room.

(A/N: From here…)

"Rape! RAAAPE!" I jokingly yelled, still ineffectively hitting his muscular back. Had I mentioned how delicious he looked when running? The way the muscles in his back moved smoothly under the skin… mmm.

"Alice, Alice, Alice. You can't rape the willing." He said with an air of arrogance.

"Hmph. How do you know I'd be willing, you big oaf?! And put me down already!" I was screeching, my normally high voice taking the 'I'll-just-scratch-your-ears-into-oblivion-haha!' approach to this matter, since I didn't seem to be doing any good. (…to here was the single hardest section of this entire story so far to get myself to write. I hate being sick. D: I mean, I'm just having motivation problems at the moment… I wanna sleeeeep. D: It probably took me 2 hours of staring at my laptop for me to get those 10 sentences out. But I love you, my readers. So I shall continue.)

Emmett practically threw me into my bed. "Of course you'd be willing, look at me." He winked, before disappearing again. What was with him and hide-and-no-seek?

I sighed, drowning in the warm plush of my bed.

Could I forget this whole thing? Could I forget I got drunk, and married Emmett? He was the most gorgeous man I'd ever laid eyes on. I might be able to, after this was all behind me. Maybe…

Why have you turned your back on me?

One day you'll wake up and realize your mistake…

"nanananananananana…" I heard a low murmuring, and strained to hear more, without getting up.

"nananNANANANNANANA… BATMAN!" And Emmett burst in, with only black boxers, the yellow 'bat' symbol covering them, and a large black beach towel (even as large as it was, it barely fit) around his neck. His hair was wet, some of the curls sticking to his forehead. I had the urge to push them back, but I resisted. He must've taken up my offer on the cold shower.

I groaned. "Are you always such a brainless oaf?"

He pretended to be in deep thought. "No, it took SOME brainpower to remember how to tie a knot." He replied, sticking his tongue out at me and jumping so his makeshift cape bellowed.

He puffed his chest out, and put a fake solemn face on, "Sorry mam, duty calls." Saluting me, and he was off back into the hallway. And I was… giggling? I mean, it wasn't uncommon for me to be giggling, but in the last 2 days, less and less seemed funny. Except the giant teddy bear/football player somewhere in my apartment who still thought he was a comicbook superhero. I laughed harder, finding sudden immense humor in the situation. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

Emmett popped his head in, the curls only slightly damp now. I guess running around like a madman is a good form of air circulation. "Hey wifey. So, I got us reservations for dinner tonight… dress up. And be ready by 7." And left without another word, and soon after I heard the door to my apartment slam shut. I have peace for the next 9 hours! I thought with a grin, until his words sunk in. A date? With my husband? Could I manage? I guess I'd have to.

In love we're one, inseparable, pathetic lust, thus we crumble,

I saw your eyes, I wiped your tears, I waited for you...

~*~

It was around 5pm when I heard my cell ringing somewhere in my apartment. I heard it playing, 'Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don'tcha!' and had no clue who was calling. Of course, the caller ID read Papabear with that stupid heart beside it. I considered not answering, but I had to face him for our 'date', so what's the worst that could happen?

"Hello?"

"Heeeey Wifey. Howdy do?"

"Um, fine. What'd you need?"

"Bella's single, riiiiight?!"

"Emmett, you're not going to hit on my best friend, right?"

"Nope," He popped his lips on the 'p', "You're the one for me, babe. Now answer the damn question, is Bella single?"

"Yah. I tried to set her up with Jasper once, not the best idea. Why?"

"Bring her along." And with that, the line went dead.

"UGH! So cryptic." I exclaimed, not thinking it was odd to be talking to no one in particular.

I pulled up Bella's name in my contacts (it was first, she made sure to put 23457645 spaces in front of her name) and hit 'sent'. She answered on the second ring.

"'Ello love. What brings ye to my line of communication?" She greeted me.

"You're coming with me tonight."

"You're not setting me up with Jazz again, right Aliiiiiice?"

"Of course not; you'll just have to trust me."

"Obviously I trust you. Where're we going?"

"Uh, I really don't know. Out to eat. Wear something nice."

"Alice. You know I don't like formal things."

"And I care because…?"

"Because I'm your best friend and you love me."

"Next."

"Because I'll fall, and we'll be kicked out of this restaurant, too."

Last time Bella and I had gone to a nice restaurant, within 10 minutes of being there, she fell on a waiter, and broke his leg. We're still banned from that restaurant, and they had insanely good steak. I scowled. "Bells, you will not fall. I will carry you if I have to. But, apparently, you're going." And I hung up. I was in my Porche (canary yellow with black leather interior and tinted windows, obviously) within 2 minutes of hanging up, and I raced to Bella's apartment building, barely 5 blocks away.

I don't know why we didn't just share an apartment; we both knew we could afford a much nicer place if we shared. But we both had a feeling, like we'd miss out on something if we lived together.

It didn't take long to get to her's – it was on the ground floor. I flew in (of course I had a key), and heard the shower running. Perfect planning time. I went into her room, and immediately headed towards her closet, pulling out the little selection she had. I had to suppress a groan, I didn't want to alert her that I was here, but nor did I see anything even remotely close to acceptable for tonight's activities.

But Bella decided to get out of the shower. I wanted to scare her so bad she never wanted to turn the lights out again – like some shit from The Strangers.

She was humming when she came out of the bathroom, towel wrapped in the juncture underneath each arm.

After opening the window in her room, I dove into the closet, curling into a ball behind one of the doors.

Her tune stopped when she got to her room, and she took a moment to survey the damage. 80% of her clothes were strewn across her bed and the floor around it, things were blowing around in the slight wind from outside, and a few drawers in her dresser hung open.

Through the crack in the closet door, I saw her bring her hands to her mouth in a 'who-would-do-something-like-this' gesture, and I stood lithely, not informing her of my presence.

I could tell my moment to act was close when she started edging closer to where I was veiled.

When she turned to open the very door I was masked behind, I stuck my fingers through the slits and started shaking, wild growls and various boisterous noises coming from me. I got what I sought after – Bella screamed loudly, clutching her midsection, and backed away until her knees caught onto the bed and she was sent sprawling backwards onto it.

I started laughing manically, and opened the door to reveal her 'attacker' to her. She still had on a countenance of fear, until she recognized me. "MARY ALICE BRANDON I FUCKING HATE YOU! GET OUT!" She started throwing all the various objects surrounding her at me.

My laughing did not cease. "C'mon Bells, you're too easy." I said, dodging a shoe expertly. I think I could compete with George Bush at that – was there perhaps a competition in shoe-dodging? (A/N: Ahhahahaha… Sorry Bush fans. :p Obama FTW!)

"Allllllllllice… You know how much I hate things like that. Ugggh. I bet I hyperventilated or something." Her chest was rising and falling rather quickly.

"I wouldn't doubt it. Plus, this is payback for last night. I recall a certain human being coming to my apartment and stating, 'I was rather busy the night before'?!" I put each hand up, making quotation marks in the air for emphasis.

She giggled, and blushed fervently, and I knew I was forgiven. All was good again.

"You know, I hated that even in that movie. Now it's worse because it actually happened. I'll never be able to watch The Strangers again." She pouted playfully.

"Well, I really don't care much for that movie anyways, Bella. So it's okay. By the way, throw on sweats and c'mon. You have nothing here to wear, I'm lending you something." She started to protest, and I put a finger up to her lips to silence her. "No, don't even. Now, come."

Within 5 minutes we were in my car, driving back to my apartment building at top speed. Bella's opinions on this were also dismissed.

Finally, we were back in my apartment. I checked my phone, no missed calls.

"Come with me, my dear, back into the closet of woooonder!"

"Alice, I've seen your closet before."

"Awwh, you ruined it!" I stomped my feet lightheartedly, before pulling out a short, blood red dress that looked like it'd fit Bella. She was half a foot taller, and a little bustier than I (but I had a better ass than her, so it evened out), so I made sure not to go TOO extreme with her outfit. She didn't even attempt to nitpick, I'd put her in worse before. I waited for her to change, and was extremely pleased. Not only did it make her legs appear to go on for miles, but the red against her milky skin (we always joked out of the two of us, she was the one that hit the tanning beds more often, since my skin closer resembled albino-esque than her's) was a gorgeous contrast.

"Ugh, Alice. Why do you have so many clothes? And why do they not cover my body?" I giggled, it appeared as though I'd been too quick to say she wasn't going to complain. "Bella, it falls MAYBE 4 inches above your knee. No, the small slit up your side does not count, you cannot see anything. And you'll be wearing these shoes," I held out a shiny black pair of heels (they didn't have that much height to them), "and if you choose to whine, I will find worse." And she shut up.

For myself, I chose a black dress, that was a little more tempting than Bella's, and barely came past my ass. Good thing I had a surplus of thongs, I refused to be seen with a panty line, even after my little 'show' to Emmett earlier. It had a deep V-neck, as to where Bella's sortof wrapped around her upper body, smushing her boobs together. The color matched the shade of my hair (which had been spiked, my make-up on the conservative side – some eyeliner, mascara, and red lipstick. My skin didn't need foundation, thankfully), and my shoes were silver pumps, with a 3" heel. I did Bella's hair in an elegant updo, a few curled pieces hanging down in front.

"Dayum… DAYUM… can I talk to you fo' a minute?" I called at her, laughing. That video on YouTube cracked me and Bella up for a week. (A/N: If you don't know what I'm referring to; type in 'Can I have yo number' in YouTube. It's a skit from MadTV.) The best thing for Bella about wearing my clothes was that since the dresses were bought for me, it increased her cleavage by squeezing her sisters into oblivion. She didn't mind, really.

After what seemed like forever, I heard a loud knock on my door.

"Who is it?" I called from the bathroom, applying a third squirt of hairspray to Bella's head.

"The male stripper you lovely ladies ordered!" I heard Emmett scream. As if Mrs. Laudick next door didn't hate me enough.

I quickly got the door, and had flowers shove in my face. "HAPPY TWO DAY ANNIVERSARY MY HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS!" He boomed, and I'm sure Mrs. Laudick heard THAT outburst even if she hadn't put in her hearing aid today.

"Uh, thanks for the roses, Em." I didn't tell him how ecstatic I was, they were even yellow. He remembered my favorite color. I'd never been given flowers before. I quickly put the dozen aromatic roses in a glass with water, never wanting them to die.

"C'mon, Bells! Ride's here!" Bella stepped out, but I don't think Emmett's eyes ever left my body.

Emmett: 1; Self-Consciousness: 0.

"So, Emmett, why're we bringing the virgin with us?" I had called Bella 'the virgin' since college, since obviously she wasn't, but she so often looked like one, what with the blushing and all.

He raised one eyebrow incredulously. "Virgin? From what I saw on that delicious tape today, she is not innocent." I giggled, Bella had returned to her usual beaming-red self. She angerly stuttered, "Y-you showed h-him the t-tape? I thought y-you didn't even l-like him!" Which made me laugh harder.

"No dear, he found it. I reacted in the same fashion as you, no worries." I was over it, what happened in my past happened, no use regretting it.

"To answer your question wifey, Bella has a shexy date." I clapped; she hadn't been out in ages. She needed this. Her face wasn't one of excitement though. She really was a buzz kill sometimes. "Cheer up, Bells. If it doesn't go well, we'll go out drinking afterwards and get totally shit-faced. How's that sound?"

She replied with a smug smile, "As long as you don't let me get married!" and ran out the door.

Until we heard a loud thump! from the hallway. We stepped out, to find Bella in a heap on the ground.

"Isabella Marie Swan. If you break those heels, I will slip pills into your drink, wait until you're knocked out, chop off a leg, sell your flesh to some cannibal on eBay – I'm sure the freaks are out there – and replace the shoes. Are we clear?"

The only reaction was a slight head nod, and a scared expression. I held in my giggles.

I turned to grab the key to my apartment, I didn't want to lock myself out (even if Bella had a key), but it wasn't on the hook. I cocked my head to the side, looking around for it.

I heard laughter behind me, and turned to see Emmett digging in his pocket. After a moment, he pulled out my small, silver apartment key.

"You stole a key to my apartment?!"

"I'll make you a new one!" He whined, but shoved the key back into his pocket, and I shut my door (of course locking it, who knows how far Mrs. Laudick would go to get back at me since I corrupted her senile mind.

"Emmett, who's my date?" Bella wondered out loud as we waited on the excruciatingly slow elevators.

"You'll see." Was his cryptic answer, his face carrying a grin that reminded me of the Cheshire (A/N: I'm sure I didn't spell that right. :/.) cat.

We got outside (finally) to discover Emmett had driven his vehicle of choice, a humongous Jeep. I'm sure Bella and I had matching astounded expressions.

We walked up to the side, and I noticed I could barely reach the door handle. I tapped my foot angrily. "This is an Emmett-sized vehicle. NOT made for those of us less than five feet tall!" I yelled, before Emmett's large hands wrapped around my waist, depositing me into my designated place – the passenger seat. I smiled in victory, (and hadn't missed his wandering eyes as he lifted me), but I was already missing the feel of his warm hands.

Emmett: 2; Self-Consciousness: 0.

Alice. Get a grip; you don't want him. I repeatedly told myself.

Bella was helped into the back seat, she needed even more help than I.

I looked into the back, wondering who Bella would be accompanying this evening.

A hand was held out for Bella to shake, "Hello. I'm James, your date for this evening." And he kissed the back of her palm.

She giggled, and re-reddened, which caused me to sigh. Poor virgin-like Bella.

Emmett climbed in finally, revving the engine menacingly.

"So, where're we headed anyways?" I asked Emmett, touching up my hair in the fold out mirror.

"That new restaurant across town, Eclipse." He grinned from ear-to-ear. I'd have to grill him about how he got reservations in so fast, last time Bella and I had called there was a four month waiting list.

I had a feeling we were in for an unorthodox date, and strangely, I was more excited than I had been in awhile.

A/N: I've decided you readers need a little inspiration to review; since I've had 168 visitors, and only 8 reviews.

Review inspiration: Emmett naked, throwing you on the bed… delicious. :)

I even made this chapter longer. ;_; 9 entire pages of story, not including Author's notes.

Please, don't be annoyed with the drama so far. It's a little angsty for me right now – I'd rather write smut/fluff any day. But, to get to the smut/fluff, I need to get this out. This is how I have it planned in my head, and whilst it may be edited depending on the reader's opinions (if you ever choose to review -_-), it will have the same major plot points. No, I'm not guaranteeing Alice and Emmett will ever sex it up. But, Bella's going to get her guy. (Haha, which brings me to, how many of you thought her date would be Edward? Be honest! I couldn't make it that easy, pfft.) Sexytimes will ensue. Fosho. Hahah. XD

So, love me, love me, say that you love me! (Do you loverly people prefer that song (Lovefool) by the Cardigans or New Found Glory? I think I like the original (Cardigans) version better… I can't decide. :D)

And so you know, I'm better. Anti-biotics do wonders. Only a day late, thanks to me writing this the majority of the day. I've edited this so much; it doesn't even resemble my first draft of this chapter, haha. I'll stop rambling now… no one reads author's notes anyway. Haha. ENJOY! :D