Ashley sat on the back steps of the cabin's porch watching the snow fall. In her hands was a lit cigarette, she hadn't had a cigarette in almost a year and a half and wasn't really sure why she was smoking now.
"Umm… Ashley can I talk to you?" Q shyly asked.
"Sure" she said patting the spot next to her.
"You smoke?" he asked taking a seat next to her.
"No, not really I stopped a while ago but I found this last one hidden away and I wanted to remember why I even liked these" she explained.
"Ok I guess"
"Listen I'm sorry about the way we met I just never saw my dad adopting a teenager, he always said once Keegan turned 20 and he was free from all the pain in the ass teenage problems he would be a happy man" she took another drag of her cancer stick.
"It's ok to tell you the truth I wasn't really receptive to all this family stuff anyway" he told her.
"Then boy did you get stuck with the wrong people" she said with a laugh.
"Lilian told me we had a lot in common" he started out. It had been nagging him not knowing what his foster mother had meant about Ashley and him having similar experiences.
Ashley gave a bitter laugh and took another drag and held the smoke in for a few moments before blowing it out slowly "Of course she would say that"
"So it's not true?" he asked.
"Not exactly" she said.
"Then what was she talking about?"
"Were you ever hit Q?" she asked.
"No" he replied confused.
"Then you are a lucky lucky boy" her tone was one of resentment towards who Q had no idea and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"My mother, my father's first wife died when I was 14 years old and my father was so unbalanced that he put me and my brothers into a foster home and they weren't nice at all" she explained "Keegan was always really small for his age and he used to get picked on so I would defend him and I would get beaten. If I cried they beat me harder. The harder they beat me the madder they would get and sometimes they would get so mad at me that not only would they beat me and then starve me but they would chain me to a wall in the basement and if they had company over or god forbid DSS and I even made a peep they told me they would kill my brothers in front of me"
"That's some crazy shit" Q was stunned "did you ever report them?"
"After my father took us back it took me a long time to tell him what had happened to me. I was afraid that he would get so mad that he would kill those people and part of me was ashamed to think that I was that weak to let them do that to me"
"It wasn't your fault you were just a kid"
"I know that now and if I had to go back in time I wouldn't change it because I would die for my brothers and they know that and the fact that they never got hurt or tortured and they always got food made the beatings more endurable"
"So were those people ever caught?"
"Not exactly, one night the wife came home and found her husband cheating on her so she blew his brains out and his mistress's too and well she wasn't going to jail for murder so she put the barrel in her mouth … and well you get the picture"
"So what does that have to do with you adopting Phinnigan and Faith?" he asked.
"The first rule about abuse it always do it somewhere people won't see it and what a better place to punch someone repeatedly then the abdomen which for a female is where the womb is well unfortunately due to all the damage done it is highly unlikely that I could conceive a child and carry it to term" she closed her eyes thinking of the baby she had lost ever so briefly then she shook her head and met his eyes.
"I never got hit" he said "but I've been in some pretty nasty homes, no food, bugs crawling everywhere, houses reeking of urine and feces" he grimaced "it wasn't pretty"
"Lilian and Chris are good people and they will help you in whatever way they can"
"Yeah well they can't get my brothers back can they cause then I'd believe you" he muttered his own bitterness surfacing.
"What happened to your brothers?" she asked.
"They were adopted but the family didn't want to deal with a teenager and I thought I was gonna be one of those kids who aged out of the system" he admitted.
"I'm sorry to hear about your brothers but maybe after a little while some sort of visitation could be set up I know my dad would definitely help you out with that and I'll help you in any ways I can too but you have to let us help you otherwise you are only hurting yourself"
"Why would any of you want to help me?" he asked sullenly.
"Well why would I adopt a baby I found in the shrubbery of a parking lot?" she countered "because it is easy to just cast your problems aside and not care but it takes real fortitude to nurture that problem and watch it blossom"
"What the hell did you just say"
She let out a good natured laugh "I was kinda on a roll and couldn't remember what I was talking about so I just said the first things that came to mind"
"Oh" he laughed as well.
"Seriously once you get past the feeling like you don't belong I'm sure you'll find out that you really do belong … we are one crazy group and any one of us will admit that but there is a lot of love to be given out if you want it"
"So you guys all kinda adopted each other?" he asked.
"Yeah I guess you could say that" she nodded.
"That's interesting I guess"
"Yeah it kinda is" she agreed.
"So no more thinking I'm just some poor charity case?" he asked.
"Believe me you aren't Chris will have your behind employed some how by the end of this year" she promised. "He is incredibly strict like that but he's got his good qualities too"
"Like what?" Q asked.
"You can tell him anything and he will never judge you and he always knows exactly what to say when you need to hear it and he celebrates your accomplishments no matter how small. I remember once when I was 4 I learned to tie my shoes all by myself and he went out and bought me a cake" she smiled at the memory.
"What about Lilian?"
"She's the warmest and kindest person I have ever met" Ashley replied honestly "I have never seen someone just take to their significant other's kids they way she did me and my brothers. She'll never take the place of our mom and she's ok with that but that doesn't stop her from acting as if we were her children. She's even that way with John and Randy. A few weeks ago Randy had the sniffles while on the road and she made him lay down on a couch and she made him chicken soup"
"Can I ask you a question why did you fight so hard to protect your brothers?"
"After Keegan was born my mother took me aside and she told me something I will never forget" Ashley sighed, her eyes getting a little misty "she said if anything ever happens to me or your dad it's your job to protect your brothers and I took that job seriously … maybe a little too seriously but I love those two boys fiercely and would do anything for them"
"My mom … she left us when my youngest brother was a year old and none of us ever knew our dads although she told us it was all the same guy I doubt it. She was a junkie but she was my mom ya know"
"Nobody's perfect Q" Ashley sympathized with the young boy "everyone has their demons"
"You don't"
"I was addicted to pain killers by the age of 20 and was forced into rehab by my father and then I became an alcoholic by the age of 26 and was back in rehab. Q some people need to hit rock bottom before they can climb that mountain again"
"Where did John go?" he asked.
"He had to take care of one of his demons"
"Thanks for talking to me I'm starting to understand that maybe I do belong here"
"Believe me kid you do and you are welcome"
"I think I'm going to like having a big sister"
"Well I just happen to like little brothers" she smiled at him "I don't know if you are too old but there is a whole plate of freshly made chocolate chip cookies in the microwave just don't let the kids see you"
"One is never too old for cookies"
"Then go on boy" Ashley laughed as Q practically sprinted back into the house.
"I kept my promise mama" she whispered closing her eyes and letting the cold wind caress her cheeks.