Strawberry Pandemonium Part 4

Author's Note: I'm finally going to tie this fic up, and I think it's going to end at about part eight or something. Beats me. I should warn you that this is an absurdist story along the lines of Alice in Wonderland, so don't come crying to me whining about character development and plot. Did you see the fucking sign? 'AVANTE GARDE ENVELOPE PUSHING IN PROGRESS HERE.' Now that you've seen the big hairy wooden sign, I'll mention that I've changed my writing style a little bit, but not so much that it's going to be blatantly noticeable.

Oh yes. On a more lighter note, enjoy and REVIEW. Flames are always welcome too, though I should warn you that trolling a troll is not the wisest idea.

Chapter 4: Teh Realm of Teh Intarwebs and the Tenth Dimension

The shriek awoke half of the Strawberry Dorms, and the girls in Lulim were quite convinced that it was the ghost of Kasumi- the girl who got turned into bio mechanical toilet and who screams her surgically altered lungs out, which are located somewhere inside the foot of the toilet.

Lucy smiled a little bit when she got reminded of the guro manga she left lying around in the hallways. It was amazing how one badly drawn underground gore comic could spawn such idiotic modifications to the (already) idiotic tales of a spectral girl wandering around the dorms.

Lucy's smile quickly faded as the door slammed open and revealed the mass of wrinkles known as Sister Hamasaka. The lemon chewing nun glared at the chaotic scene and chewed at her cheeks whilst wondering what to crow out in her withered voice.

Tamao was lying at the side of the bed with foam leaking out of her mouth, while Yaya, Nana, Tsubomi, and Hikari were huddled together in a strange looking foursome hug that brought to mind dirty thoughts in the sexually repressed nun's mind.

Sister Hamasaka stopped her nosebleed with a disguised sniff and crowed out, 'What in God's name is the meaning of this!? And YOU! You're that shady new teacher that has been leaving those horrid little books of Babylon behind!'

Lucy felt her throat dry up into a husk of dead Indian corn, 'Why does this shit always happen to me....' She suddenly had the absurd picture of Kouta going insane in this situation, 'Well, at least I'm not him...'

Sister Hamasaka raised her voice several octaves, 'I said, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?'

The four huddled closer together. Yaya was reciting the Jay and Silent Bob Fuck rap under her breath as she took this opportunity to grope Hikari's perky little breasts.

Sister Hamasaka pursed her lips to stop the blood from flowing out. She took out a ruler and smacked it on her poufy nunnery robes, 'I will give you ALL a five week suspension from school and a beating in addition to a hundred hail Mary's if you don't tell me what's going on-

'It was all my fault.' Lucy blurted. The back of her mind emulated Tourette's guy, 'Shiiiiit.....'

'Really? Do explain.' Sister Hamasaka smacked the ruler with ruthless rhythmic rhyme as her breaths became more and more shallow due to the pseudo four person orgy taking place in front of her.

'Well....It was my idea to stay up after curfew and watch a few movies....'

Lucy quickly patched this up, 'But, it was for film studies class.'

'I have never heard of such a class.'

'Well, it's relatively....relatively new to the curriculum.....' Tourette's guy said, 'Shiiiiiit.....'

'I will have to check with the school board then. You are going to be sacked if I find out that you are lying.' An evil grin crept on to the sister's face, 'What's more, I will bring charges against you for corruption of minors with your....your guro filth.'

Lucy suddenly remembered something she'd seen in the sister's office when she was looking for a stapler. Heavenly choruses of 'Hallelujah' rang through her head as she smirked the 'evil Lucy smirk that meant mass murder' smirk.

'Well, if you have that, what of the yuri porn I found in your desk?'

The sister looked like she swallowed a hagfish.

Doused with generous amounts of lemon of course.

'H-h-heresy!! You dare accuse me of such a deed!?'

'C'mon! Don't deny it. I know you have a thing for first year 12 year old girls, and I will report you if you make one peep about the shit that happened in this room.'

Yaya seemed to have inhaled some Lucy's strength floating around the room, 'Yeah, and what about those looks you were giving us just now? I can see some blood dripping from your nose.'

Tsubomi joined in, 'This all explains why you love hitting girls with those rulers so much....you're probably into that kind of stuff, aren't you? '

'Kinky kinky....' Lucy's voice wavered a little, but all the fear was gone for the moment, 'So are you going to explain 'Lily Discipline volume 2' with that whip omake at the end, or will you comply?'

The hagfish thrashed to and fro in Sister Hamasaka's throat as she grimaced and growled, 'Alright, you little brats, you win. What can I do to shut you up?'

'For starters, you can overlook this.'

'And?' The ruler was now tapping at a rate of 300 bpm.

'And you can pay for the cost of this broken window and pretend you didn't see anything.'

'ANYTHING.' Tsubomi added in for good measure.

Tamao was muttering something about shaving cream.

'Alright, you little pests, you have yourselves a deal, but mark my words, I will get you someday.' Sister Hamasaka pursed her lips and wiped the trail of blood from her nose, 'I have....connections, and if you think you can blackmail me for long-

'SUISEISEKI WILL FUCK YOU UP DESU!!' The dimunitive doll was running rapid laps around the room, 'Thisisbadthisisbadthisisbad. How will I ever get home desu....'

'Dolls can have panic attacks? I never saw her this distressed on the television show.' Lucy mused. Snapping quickly out of her trance, she flipped Hamasaka the bird and grinned, 'Remember....' Lucy made the 'I'm watching you sign' with two fingers and widened her grin to Grinch proportions.

'Am I being a little too overconfident? This could be bad in the long run.'

Sister Hamasaka gave a Barracuda's smile and swallowed down a long string of obscenities. No. Not now, not while she was still in service to the Lord. She would wait, and then when those little whelps were in her grasp, Yeeeessss.....

'Goodnight then children. ' She said in a voice full of venom. She returned Lucy's 'I'm watching you' sign and slammed the door shut.

Suiseiseki was till running laps around the room, spouting little bits of green light every so often, causing little bean sprouts to pop out of the carpet.

'It's like she's shitting beans.' Lucy thought dreamily as she caught the doll mid lap and said in the husky voice that caused many a man at the laboratory to have a boner for the locked up diclonius, 'Shut....your plastic trap.'

The doll immediately stopped yammering and looked at Lucy with glazed eyes, 'Who....are you people? Where am I?'

'You're at the Strawberry Dorms, genius.' Yaya sniffed, 'And can you tell me what you are doing out of an anime?'

'What's an anime?'

Yaya slapped her forehead, 'I mean....animation? That realm where it's all lines and colours? Rozen Maiden? Created by lonely small dicked men in Japan with no sex lives? Hello?'

'I don't get it.'

'Of course she doesn't get it. ' Lucy said in an exasperated tone, 'She's just been thrown out of her own dimension for Pete's sake. Let's just talk this over, and we can figure out a way to-

Several frantic knocks on the door interrupted the conversation again.

'I hope to God that's not Sister Hamasaka again....' Lucy growled as she looked through the peephole.

The distorted bulbous head of Himeko was bobbing to and fro with something clinging onto her skirts. She was screaming something incoherent while she smacked her manicured fists against the oaken door.

Lucy gave an exasperated sigh and let the ditzy blonde in.

Himeko stumbled a bit and then fell on her face. The thing that was holding onto her skirt was a particularly huge Mudkip.

'Hey....that's the one that was wandering around Shizuma's garden this morning.' Yaya murmured, 'I wonder what it's doing here?'

All Nana could manage after all this was a barely audible little 'eep' that sounded more like a purring fart than an actual vocal squeak.

'I....AM THE COMING OF THE END.' A baritone voice rumbled.

'What....in the name of....' Tsubomi was going to put all this on her facebook. Yessiree.

The thundering baritone voice was coming out of the Mudkip.

Lucy slapped her forehead, 'Oh, fuck me sideways! When is this crap going to end!?'

The Mudkip thundered, 'SILENCE, DICLONIUS! NOONE ASKED FOR YOUR INPUT!'

'I'm sorry, but it's no- one.' Himeko said in a meek little voice. It seemed that she had sustained a nasty bruise on her forehead during her spill.

'NO, IT'S NOONE!! NOW SILENCE, BEFORE I SMITE YOU ALL!'

'With what? Your Hydro Pump? Yaya sneered, but not without realizing shortly afterwards that she had indeed revealed the full extent of her nerdiness. Tsubomi snickered at the revelation.

Yaya's face turned red as she muttered, ' I only play it once in a while....'

The Mudkip's face literally turned a shade of turquoise as it bawled, 'YOU HUMANS!!!! EEEEEEE!!!! IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WISH, I WILL FLOOD THIS FACILITY IN SEWAGE WATER FROM MY ASS!!!'

Nana gave another one of her farting 'eeps.'

Everybody stayed silent as the giant three foot tall Mudkip surveyed the room, 'Good. Now I can talk in my normal voice.' It was quite amazing the resemblance his normal voice bore to Elvis in his prime. It even carried some of the Southern Drawl.

'The rift of time and space has been disrupted, and I, the supreme deity of the intarwebs, have been sent to correct this error.'

'That explains it all.' Lucy said while rolling her eyes, 'Tell me, Mudkip, how did this....this character from an anime end up in our dorm? Do you have something to do with this?'

The Mudkip looked at Lucy with a strangely baleful look, 'Unfortunately, you must realize the fact that you are all anime. You consist of a different combination of subatomic particles than three dimensional humans, so-

'Whoah! Hold your horses there buddy, are you meaning to tell us that we're....cartoons? Then why can we move in three dimensional space?'

The Mudkip gave an effigy of a shrug, 'I guess the humans in the real world would ask you the same thing.'

Nana gave a very noticeable swoon.

Tsubomi joined in after Yaya's lead once again, 'This is preposterous! I can see that I'm flesh and blood right now! Do I look like an amalgation of ink to you?'

'Maybe not to yourselves, because you're so used to it, but take a look in the mirror, look into my eyes, and tell me that your eyes are not oversized.'

Yaya peered into the mirror and noticed two ruby red orbs three times the size of a normal woman's stare back at her.

'Hey....you're right....' Yaya brushed her finger over the fringes of her hair, 'Hey, wait a second here. You aren't playing magic tricks here, are you? My eyes weren't like this before!'

Tsubomi noticed her own oh-so kawaii green eyes peering back at her and clutched Yaya's uniform, 'Yaya chan....I'm scared....'

The Mudkip sighed dejectedly, 'Look, it's just that you haven't noticed it before, idiots. Now that I've told you, do you see the deformed look of those orbs you call eyes?'

Lucy felt a sick chill go up her spine, 'Wait....so what you're saying is....we're the creations of other people?'

'You are created by an individual known as Lynn Okamoto, to be exact.' The Mudkip said as-a-matter-of-factly, 'I feel that it is my duty to inform you that countless lemons have been written about you. You should check out Hamalee's stuff sometime. It's quite titillating.'

Lucy collapsed onto the bed, 'This....this is too much.' Metaphysical complications ran around her mind like mad hamsters. Would she still even exist if her creator would to die? Were her actions at that very moment dictated by the stroke of a fine liner pen?

'This....is ridiculous!' Lucy suddenly burst out, 'How could you expect us to believe you!? For all I know, you could be putting hallucinations into Yaya and Tsubomi's head!'

The Mudkip farted a cloud of green smoke out of its ass the same time Nana gave another one of her farting peeps, ' 'scuse me back there.' His voice dropped several octaves as he said this, 'It's really not in my nature to let out gas like this....' His tone levelled as he stared Lucy in the eyes, 'If I'm really lying to you, can you explain why a fictional character in your world suddenly came to life like this? I'm simply here to tell you why.'

Tamao suddenly woke up and screamed, 'NO! NAGISA CHAN DOES NOT HAVE DICK!!!'

Everybody in the room stared at the sweating blue haired girl. Tamao took one look at her surroundings, paused for a moment to process the information, and then promptly fainted again. Nana suddenly spoke. Lucy thought incredulous thoughts about the entire school turning straight.

'Mr. Mudkip san? Is it possible....is it possible that I can convince Lynn Okamoto sama to give me back my limbs?'

The Mudkip twitched it's mouth in annoyance, 'Of course not, you little strumpet. Doing so would mean travelling into another branch of another universe entirely. Anime bodies are not quite compatible with actual three dimensional air, you know.'

Nana withered into a pink lump and gave a pathetic sob. Hikari stroked poor Nana's hair.

'Anyways, the reason dimensional holes are opening up everywhere is because of a little girl called Kagome's experiments with the supernatural.'

'And you as an internet deity is supposed to help us how?' Lucy ripped at the bed sheets with inch long finger nails. She would have to cut them soon. She could have sworn they were turning rather yellow....

'I come from the demi-universe composed of sub atomic particles cooked up by human minds when they created silly internet memes.' The Mudkip said casually, 'That is not the point though. That little brat in your school is actually the founder of the MLO- the Misanthropic Luciferian Order.'

'Are you talking about that retarded organization Jon Nodveidt started up?' Yaya said with somewhat of a flourish. She like showing off her extensive knowledge of metal.

'It could very well be.' The Mudkip said grimly, 'Anyways, she summoned Tiamat, the female dragon of chaos and destruction. She's in the middle of her period right now, and she's not feeling too perky about leaving space and time be.'

Lucy sputtered a little bit, ' Dragons have periods?'

'I assume you haven't heard of the furry fandom?'

'You've got a point there.' Lucy remembered the fantastical nature of her current situation and decided that nothing would particularly surprise her at that point.

'The dragon's only half summoned as we speak. We still have time before the entire space/time continuum in this universe crashes down around us! We must take action before-

'Not if I can help it.'

'What the-

The little area that counted as the Mudkip's neck imploded in a fan of bright green blood. When it stopped gushing, a grinning mouth of a wound smiled at the horrified company.

Standing behind the Mudkip was none other than a six foot tall version of Oshibaru.

'Well, It's finally good to be out of that little brat's under developed tits.' The bear said in a gross parody of Joe Pesci's voice. His New York accent grated and scraped with every syllable it spoke, 'You thought you could stop me? Fat chance. This disgusting little anime world is going to hell! I am disgusted at all the retarded stereotypes that plague this mentally underdeveloped genre!' Oshibaru waved an exaggerated version of a three foot machete around as he spoke, 'Oh, and I think you would be happy to know that I got rid of that dog pest and that blue haired bitch in your school. It was all too easy really....'

There was a marsupial-like pouch in the front of Oshibaru's stomach. Two head shaped lumps protruded from his bloated belly. Lucy took special note that Osibaru had a prominent rip along the sides of his armpits. The two head shaped lumps were oozing a dark coloured fluid that stained the light auburn colour of the evil bear's coat.

'You....you killed Miyuki!' Yaya said in a choked voice, 'You unbelievable bastard!!'

Tsubomi gave a horrified squeak and buried her face in Yaya's shoulder.

Lucy whirled around, ignoring the ever increasing puddle of the Mudkip's blood, 'Just tell us, what the fuck do you want!?'

'Simple.' The bear fished out the head of Inu Yasha and Miyuki and tossed them at a hysterically screaming Yaya and Tsubomi, 'Aren't you tired of cat eared girls, tentacle rape, yuri, and bleeding nosed losers? Aren't you tired of all that stigma surrounding our universe? We have become ONE BIG JOKE!!' The bear punctuated each of his words by hacking the wall with his machete.

'I....don't think anime's a joke.' Lucy said in a small voice, 'In fact, I view it as a cultural phenomena that's integral to Japan's identity-

'Shut the fuck up and let me finish.' The bear's eyes glowed with a reddish fever, 'Aren't you tired of people making rule 34 of you? Aren't you abso-fucking-lutely sick of bloated fat ass fan boys that lock themselves in their basements making fan sites of you!?'

'To tell you the truth, if that were me, I would be kind of flattered' Yaya mumbled. An even smaller utterance of 'Ditto' came from Tsubomi.

The bear spun around and threw the Machete at Yaya, narrowly missing cutting off her ear by a hair.

Yaya emitted a bat squeak and gave Tsubomi the death squeeze.

'Noone. I said NOONE asked for your opinion.' The bear said in an ominous voice, 'If you bitches speak up again, I will throw you into the dimensional voice in the school's basement. Trust me, anime characters do not fare well in the three dimensional world.'

'But we are in the three dimensional world, desu!' Suiseiseki cut in, 'I am so confused, desu- where the fuck am I, desu?'

'ShutupshutupSHUTUP!!' The bear's voice escalated in timbre until it sounded like Joe Pesci after ingesting two helium ripe balloons. From out of nowhere, the giant stuffed horror produced yet another machete of legendary proportions and flung it at Suiseiseki.

'Hammer physics.' Lucy mused in amazement, 'It's MC Hammer time, and you all know it....'

Suiseiseki's last words consisted of something insulting the 'Chibi Human' before the oversized blade buried itself in her plastic face with a hollow thunk. The doll swayed around drunkenly for a bit before collapsing in a heap next to the suitcase.

Everybody in the room stared open mouthed at the panting teddy bear. Lucy could have sworn at that very moment that Oshibaru possessed something akin to lungs.

'Oh....oh my God.....you killed Suiseiseki....you bastard......' Lucy murmured without even thinking. She liked that show South Park, but the quality of the animation was too shitty for her taste.

The bear produced yet another machete out of thin air and cried, 'Let us all self destruct! See what those filthy three dimensional beings can do without us!' With a cry that was not too far removed from Puppetmon getting castrated, he brought down the machete towards Lucy's head.

Lucy's vectors sprang into action, blocking the fatal attack and shattering the machete in the process.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you.' Lucy said, her killer instincts now in full drive, 'You have been a very, very bad teddy bear.....' She sent two of her vectors cutting through Oshibaru's head, but felt something weird happen to her vectors.....

It was at that moment that she realized her vectors had been cut off by some unknown force. Lucy felt a jolt of hideous pain resonate through her body as she shrieked her throat raw.

In that moment of dire necessity, Yaya decided to take advantage of her boyish nature and sprang into action, 'I'm going to beat the stuffing out of you, you overweight piece of shit!' She did a flying jump kick reminiscent of so many Tsundere girls before her.

'WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU!?' The unhinged bear bawled. He swatted Yaya away like a botfly and sent her flying out the window.

'YAYA CHAN!' Tsubomi's eyes turned wild as she darted around the room in the fashion of a hamster on crack, 'Heeeeelp!! Someone pleeeease!!!'

Lucy was still screaming what was left of her voice out while a calmer part of her brain thought, 'So this is what being kicked in the balls feel like.'

Oshibaru stepped on Lucy's head, 'Now it's time to finish you off. Yet another anime sex icon bites the dust.'

The bears mouth did not move one inch as he intoned, 'By the way, I have a degree of control over the space/time continuum surrounding an inch long vicinity of myself. Your vectors are floating somewhere in limbo as we speak, so don't try anything funny, or your head's going to be the next thing floating in that cold, dark....dark....'

Lucy could have sworn she saw a blondish blur speed past Oshibaru's head.

The stuffed bear's head wobbled a little bit as if he was grooving to some bad Soulja Boy song, 'Strange....it feels....strange....'

His head abruptly hit the floor and left behind a fluffy wound that oozed some sort of blackish liquid.

Himeko stood next to the head with an unusually cold look in her eyes, 'He's out of the picture. Now, we have to go see if Chikane chan's okay.'

Lucy gathered what was left of her voice, ignoring the throbbing pain that pulsed in a periodic rhythm in the stumps where the 'hands' of her vector used to be, 'You....you saved my life....thanks....'

Himeko's eyes suddenly lost the 'alter ego berserker look' and returned to her normal ditzy self. She said in a wobbly voice, 'Wha—what did I do?' She looked at the severed head of Oshibaru on the floor and gave a scared little yelp, 'Oh dear....it seems like my kamikaze self manifested again....'

Nana was still lying on the floor with a particularly glazed look in her eyes. Tsubomi was hiding under the bed, and Tamao was still issuing foam from her mouth.

'What a mess....' Lucy thought in a strangely analytical way, 'I guess vectors don't grow back, huh?'

She moved around her maimed invisible limbs and felt an intense pain shoot through her horns, 'Urggh....' Lucy could have sworn she did a dead on impression of a caveman at that moment.

She staggered up, 'If what that bear says is true, we have to stop that ceremony from going through!'

Only Himeko caught the sentence, 'But...but what about Chikane chan and the others?'

Lucy slapped her forehead in spite of her pain, 'And only you listen....anyways, who's with us?'

Nana's eyeballs moved ever so slightly with speed on a snail on Nyquil, 'Nana's.....Nana's scared.....'

'I'm guessing....Nana's out of the question, right?' Lucy looked at the pathetic lump of pink on the floor and was strangely reminded of Eeyore in his prime.

Himeko's whole body jumped about a foot into the air as a loud crash sounded outside the hallway, 'What was that!?' She took this opportunity to jump into Lucy's hands in a very Scooby Doo fashioned way, almost knocking Lucy off balance in the process.

Holding a surprisingly light Himeko, Lucy took a peek outside the hall and immediately regretted it.

Pedobear was stalking the hallways, with two naked first years being carried in each arm.

Lucy choked back some bile, 'I should have taken my medications today....' She blinked slowly, as if trying to shut out the absurd reality of an internet meme raping yuri obsessed pre teens in the middle of a school dorm.

She opened her eyes and found the bear right in front of her. Surprisingly enough, he was no more than four feet tall, yet possessed enough strength to carry two eighty to ninety pound girls.

Lucy flexed her two good vectors and lashed out at the retarded looking bear.

She immediately retracted her invisible limbs when she felt a searing sensation blocking her an inch from the devious bear's fur.

'He's got the same barrier as Oshibaru. This isn't good....' Himeko promptly jumped off Lucy's arms and hacked away at the bear, only to have her precious katana disappear instantly into limbo.

Giving out a surprised yell, Himeko stumbled backwards several steps, closed her eyes for a deadly counter attack, opened them, and found a pile of shredded fluff on the floor along with two naked girls crawling away in the most pathetic manner possible.

Chikaru stood behind the remains of Pedobear with two Uzi's.

'What's with all these sneak attacks from behind? This is three already.....' Lucy thought incredulously.

Chikaru's face was smeared with warpaint a la Arnold in Predator.

'Guys, come with me if you want to live.'

Lucy almost choked on a second serving of bile.

Himeko's eyes glazed over when she caught sight of the dark haired beauty. Chikane had competition.

'Where's Tamao?'

'She's....erm....passed out in the room behind us.' Lucy said in a phlegm caked voice, 'She's been through several fainting spells-

In a blur of streaming black hair and two flopping red ribbons, Chikaru sped past Lucy and skidded into the room where Tamao lay unconscious.

Chikaru carried out Tamao with no apparent effort at all, Lucy almost expected a wall of flames to accompany the stereotyped background of the hero carrying out his damsel.

'Let's go.' Chikaru said in a comically grave voice.

'Do you even know where the hell we're going?'

'Lucy, do not question my authority.'

'I'm the teacher for fuck's sake. Why should I be listening to-

'No time for arguing.' Inner Lucy intoned gently, 'We should be moving along now.'

Chikaru turned around with Tamao still draped around her arms and marched along in an exaggerated gait of high steps and stomping feet.

Mayhem was all around the hapless travellers. Girls of all years and persuasions ran around in nightgowns and in the buff. Web memes from the outer dimensions chased after them.

Lucy thought about requesting a salary raise.

Remon and Kizuna greeted them at the end of the chaotic hallway with an assortment of firearms and blades. Remon carried two .45 automatics and a sheathed katana in her back while Kizuna lugged a rocket launcher and donned shurikens around her belt.

Lucy gaped in amazement at Chikaru, 'What is this!? Where did you get all those firearms?'

Chikaru's exaggerated grave drill instructor face suddenly melted away into a creepily bright smile, 'Oh, it's nothing really. A few discreet mail orders here and there does the trick. It's called the firearm acquisition club. You should join it sometime.'

Lucy had heard of Lulum's star engaging in some weird activities, but she never knew it was to this degree...

'Oh, and also, we have glue sniffing club.' Chikaru said as-a-matter-of-factly.

Lucy stared goggle eyed at Chikaru.

'Just kidding.'

And so the journey continued into the bowels of the school to stop Kagome's evil plans. Will our heroines make it? Or will they be plunged into the hells of butthurt along with the rest of the Strawberry dorms? Find out in the next instalment of....STRAWBERRY PANDE-FUCKING-MONIUM!

Note: Please review this. I really want to know how to improve my writing style, as these fanfics are basically practice pads to develop the style for my actual original novel.