A/N: I'm awful, I know. Feel free to yell at me because my updating habits have been atrocious lately. But I had some difficulty with where I wanted to take this chapter. But more about that later.
She was laughing.
It was a strange sound, an odd sensation, bubbling pleasantly in her throat, though it was followed by a dull ache, the feeling almost too overwhelming for her to handle.
"Maura, I must say, I am pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable this has been so far." She met the other woman's eyes, the hint of seduction settling tensely in Maura's stomach.
"As am I, Dr. Hannaford. I can't say I've had many successful set ups," Maura agreed, taking a sip of her wine. As she replaced her glass on the table, she reached to touch her hair, more concerned with her appearance then she had been only a moment ago. Though she had a natural care and concern for her presentation, it had been quite awhile since she had had someone to impress, and suddenly she was feeling very old and inexperienced.
"Please, Maura, call me Jenna," the woman spoke again, sipping her own dark wine, a great contrast to her creamy skin.
"I apologize," Maura quickly amended. She paused a moment before delving into an explanation, leaving the safe grounds of innocent flirtation as the conversation turned more personal. "I have a daughter named Jenna, and I suppose I'm feeling just tiny bit unsettled being on date with a woman who shares a name with her." She tried to laugh again, but this time, it caught in her throat.
"Ah, leave it up to an uncomfortable coincidence to ruin the mood," she laughed lightly. "At least I don't share a name with your ex-wife, though I don't suppose Amy would been so eager to set us up if that had been the case…" Maura nearly choked on her bite of salmon. Until now, they had pleasantly skirted around the topic of her divorce, though she had assumed that Amy had told the other woman something about it. She certainly wasn't ready to discuss it with a stranger, however. "Anyway," she continued. "For the sake of avoiding any more unnecessary awkwardness, it might just be easier if you call me Jen."
"Yes, Jen it is," Maura forced a smile. "So, do you have any children?" She breathed out a small sigh.
"I don't," Jen answered. "I've been in a few pretty committed relationships over the years, where we did toss around the idea of parenthood, but the timing was never right. And, as you know, giving our…situation," she laughed lightly again, "having children definitely is a commitment and a process – and it just never really did work out for me. I have always been a fan of kids though. How old is your daughter?"
Maura finished chewing a carrot slice. "Jenna is twenty-four, and I also have a son – Cody. He'll be nineteen soon. So they're hardly children anymore," Maura clarified. "It's still feels strange some days to me, having two adult children…and I know this phrase is so worn out by parents, but sometimes I do wonder where all the time has gone…"
"Hey, you don't have to be a mother to feel that way." Jen reached across the table, touching Maura's hand lightly. Though it was a subtle, natural action, Maura's skin burned for a moment, letting herself settle into the touch. "I mean, I never expected to be here, nearly sixty years old, still going through this whole first date drill just like the good ol' high school days," she laughed, but it was unconvincing. Maura stroked her hand lightly with the pad of her thumb, relaying her empathy. "So I wonder that a lot as well – where's the time gone? Why am I more than halfway done with my life and I still don't know what the hell I'm doing with it?"
They were silent. The dull chatter of the restaurant around them suddenly sounded louder. Maura's throat felt unbearably tight, wondering how her stomach had gone from butterflies to feeling as though a rock was lodged there in a matter of minutes.
"I apologize," Jen muttered, withdrawing her hand. "I didn't mean for this conversation to take on such a serious tone – or for me to sound so desperate…" She twirled a forkful of pasta around on her plate.
"No, no, don't apologize," Maura quickly spoke. "I'd be lying if I didn't feel the same way. It took much convincing on Amy's part to get me to agree to the setup in the first place. Honestly, the last thing a woman of this age wants to be doing is throwing herself back into the dating pool. It's frustrating, humiliating even…and frankly, it is nice to have found someone who feels the same." She offered Jen a sincere smile.
Jen's face noticeably relaxed. The silence the passed between them was comfortable this time, as their apprehension alleviated. "So, tell me more about your research, Maura..."
XXX
Maura's hand felt cold as it rested against the leather couch cushion in Jen's apartment, waiting in stifling silence as Jen prepared a glass of wine for her in the kitchen.
"Here you go," Jen appeared a moment later, handing Maura a glass of Merlot.
She joined Maura on the couch, leaving only a small distance between them. Maura's stomach jumped, and she quickly sipped her wine, attempting to soothe her nerves. Jen slowly took a gulp of her beverage as well, before placing it on the adjacent coffee table. Maura clung to her own glass for a moment, her heart slamming against her chest, so panicked and erratic that she could not tell if dread or desire fueled it. She found Jen's eyes, dark, lustful, anticipatory. Maura's hand clenched her glass tighter, before her eyes darted away from Jen's, landing on the coaster on the table.
Jen scooted closer.
Her black hair fell in thick curls around her neck, a contrast to her pale skin, which Maura noted for it's excellent condition, especially considering her age. She was a beautiful woman - a beautiful woman who wanted Maura. The delicate wine glass was her only barrier, as Maura tried to make sense of the heat rushing through her body.
Jen moved her body closer, their knees now touching. She brought her hand down to bare skin of Maura's knee, letting it rest there in heavy warmth. Maura brought her wine to her lips, sipping it in unintentional seductiveness. She felt Jen's hand wander farther up her leg. She let out a small, involuntary moan.
Jen held out her hand, beckoning the wine glass from her grasp. Maura watched carefully as Jen placed it on its designated coaster, feeling small, vulnerable, and horribly displaced from the situation. It had been over twenty-five years since she'd last been on a first date and almost two years now since she'd even kissed anyone. Never had she felt so wildly inexperienced in such a scenario.
Jen was eager, but not to the point of rushing. She was careful, gaging the reaction she wanted as she pressed circles against Maura's thigh with her thumb, licking her wine stained lips and smiling in triumph as Maura eyes became fixated on them.
Jen closed the distance between them.
Maura let her kiss her for a moment, unable to reciprocate as her body coped with the electrifying spark that flew through her. It had been so long since she had been touched, and she ached for it more than she had realized. She brought her hands up to tangle in Jen's hair, breathing a small whimper into her open mouth. Jen's lips attacked her neck, and with her hand, she danced her fingers further up her thigh. Maura tensed as she felt a heat blaze between her legs, becoming lost in the dizzying mess of pleasure. Her mind slipped deep within itself, letting the external factors of her world slip away as she lost herself in the primal world of pure satisfaction.
Perhaps hours had passed, she thought as each tiny moan slipped from her lips. Perhaps only seconds, she attempted to reason, moving her body in rhythm against the other woman's, her fingers clenched tightly in her hair. She felt a hand press up against her, lost beneath the barrier of her dress.
"Ohhh," she breathed, pressing against it. Her mind plunged deeper into oblivion. "J-" the rest of the word came out so muffled that the other woman thought nothing of it, but Maura felt her throat tighten, her stomach clench, and suddenly Jen's lips seared against Maura's neck, her mind becoming agonizingly alert. The name that had slipped from her lips did not match this woman's.
"I can't..." Maura tried to speak, squirming away from Jen's touch. She cleared her throat, gathering clarity. "I can't do this."
Jen's lips slowed, withdrawing her body enough so that Maura no longer felt suffocated. "Hey, hey, we'll take it slow," she murmured, reaching to touch Maura's hair lightly. "I know it can take time to get back into the game."
But Maura shook her head vigorously. "Jen, you're a fantastic woman...and tonight was perfect," she spoke reassuringly. "But I can't do this. I thought I was ready, but I'm not." She pulled away, the chilliness left by the absent of Jen's body surprisingly refreshing. "I'll...I'll call you," she muttered unconvincingly, picking up her purse from the floor. She tried to smile, but the wounded expression on Jen's startled face left her stomach in knots.
Once out of the building, she took in a large breath of air, fighting tears.
XXX
"You're still here."
Jane spoke the words as she surfaced to consciousness, bleary-eyed, her voice still thick with slumber.
"I promised I'd stay," Maura emphasized, the words firm on her lips, though her voice was significantly smaller as she added. "Unless you'd rather I go."
"No, no," Jane fought to make her voice nonchalant, but Maura could see the panic in her eyes. She dispelled to urge to take Jane's hand in her own. "It's fine you're here. I mean, I'm glad you're here," she spoke the words again, this time with more clarity. "I figured I'd have to sever an artery or something to get you back here again." She let out a stifled laugh. Maura involuntarily smiled, not realizing just how much she had missed Jane's sardonic sense of humor until now. "It's nice to see you, Maur, really. It's been too long."
"Yes, it has been..." Maura agreed, though she knew to tread lightly, knowing that one small slip-up could send this pleasant exchange spiraling out of control.
"You been good?" Jane asked, her voice still somewhat guarded.
"Yes, I've been well," Maura automatically corrected, smiling get again as Jane rolled her eyes. Though they were being careful, years apart had done nothing to inhibit their natural banter. It reminded Maura that not only had she lost her wife, but she had lost her best friend, and that perhaps was the most painful realization of all.
Maura continued, "I would ask you the same, but considering your current situation, I do believe I have my answer."
Jane scoffed. "Yeah, but you know me...gotta get myself into a few life threatening scrapes every now and then. Keep things interesting."
"Yes, unfortunately, I do know..." Maura mused, though her heart felt sore thinking about all the times she had almost lost Jane, only to have her brush it off with her humor. She supposed by now she should think Jane invincible, though she knew as soon as she let herself believe the notion, she'd lose her faster than she could blink.
They sat in silence for a moment. It wasn't that they didn't have anything to say, but rather, they didn't quite know where to even begin.
"So Cody and Jenna said you weren't seeing anyone...but I gotta say, I was a little curious to ask you myself..." Jane spoke abruptly, and Maura had to wonder just how long she had been holding the words on the tip of her tongue. She felt a hint of pride coarse through her as she processed Jane's curiosity, perhaps underlined with a hint of jealousy.
"Well, that was certainly an abrupt change in topic," Maura spoke a bit mystically. She raised an eyebrow, enjoying Jane's look of discomfort a little too much.
"That doesn't sound very promising," Jane spoke skeptically. The jealousy was apparent now. It almost surprised Maura, though her smugness faded, ultimately leaving her feeling drenched in regret.
"No, Jane. There's no one," she assured her. "And there hasn't been anyone. If it helps, you can take solace in my spinsterhood."
Jane didn't speak, and Maura watched the tension on her face ease. "There hasn't been anyone for me either," she finally spoke, though Maura hadn't asked. "Frost and Frankie tried a couple 'a times to set me, but they were all, of course, awful. Never been able to tolerate anyone as good as I did you, I guess...but then look how even that turned out..." Jane's voice was suddenly bitter. She turned her eyes away from Maura, though Maura could feel the inadequacy radiating off her.
Maura licked her lips timidly. "What happened to us, Jane?" she spoke quietly. She reached out to touch Jane's fingers gently with the tips of her own.
Jane looked down at their hands for a moment, before she answered. "We got busy, you know. Life got in the way. I guess we kinda just fell out of love." But she tilted hand, nestling Maura's snugly in hers.
There were new wrinkles on Jane's hands, Maura noticed as she dragged her thumb lightly against Jane's skin, and suddenly she wanted the chance to memorize each one of them. The problem with that, she thought with a heavy exhale, is that I never stopped loving you.
A/N: Talk about an awkward date, yo. Though I was imagining Lana Parrilla as Jen the whole time so there is that...But really, I was nervous even including this, because I worried that it might take away from the Rizzles in this chapter, but I really did want to emphasize just how committed Maura has stayed to Jane despite all this heartache. She's not the sexual, one night stand Maura we see on the show. I was tempted to make her revert back to her old ways to fill the void, but I think it just shows how being with Jane has changed Maura and her views about sex and love. What she has with Jane is special, and even at her lowest point, she can't forget that. Also I figured including this flashback this chapter opened the door for me doing a Jane centric one next chapter, because we really haven't seen much post-divorce Jane yet. Thanks for reading. You guys are the best, and I love hearing what you think.