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…..Sitsumi…..

So many memories.

So many lies.

So many people.

So many die.

Living does not mean… living.

To be amongst others does not mean to be with them.

And to be human does not mean to be humane.

I am not what everyone thought I was.

I am a liar.

I remember my mother. Her long black flowing hair. It reached all the way to the floor. She would always let me play with it, brush it, braid it. She would always give me gifts and toys. My favorite was the little blue amulet. She said it would protect me from harm. I knew mother loved me. I knew she had always cared. That's why she brought me here to Japan. She wanted me to be away from the bad things in our own home. She wanted me to be safe. I know mother loved me, because I loved her more than anything too.

I remember my father. His dark blue eye, and the ice-blue eye that had that scar running from his temple, through the eye, and down to his jaw. He never spoke to me much. He would barely look at me. He seemed to be disgusted at the sight of me. He hated me, I don't know why, but he did. He never smiled at me, or even spoke to me, let alone played with me. We lived together, but never lived with each other. I know he couldn't stand the very sight of me. Whenever I tried to make him notice me, he would always turn his back… and walk away.

I remember my brother. He never liked me either. He would push me out of his way. I was always a nuisance, always a burden. When I learned to walk, I would try to follow him wherever he went, it was such a wonderful game to me. It kept me occupied for hours within our cold and desolate house. I only wanted to see how long I could keep up, but as soon as he would round a corner, he was gone. After he hit me for following him to the stables, I never crossed his path again. I cried because it hurt so much. I never knew he was capable of doing such a thing to me, especially when I was so small. After that, whenever he would come, I would hide behind a table, or duck into a room. If he caught me, there was a glare that was so glazed with hatred and utter loathing that it made me want to cry.

Mother took me places all the time with her. We were always together. There were always good times with mother, weather they were sad or happy. Those are the memories I treasure most. Those are the memories that will always remain in my heart. Her smile and her warmth. She tucked me into bed at night, and sat with me for meals in the day. She read to me, and sang to me, and taught me so many things. Whenever I look back… I cry.

I remember starting school. She was so proud to see me go. She wanted me to learn and to explore and be able to see others not as a threat, but as companionship. Mother had always been my only friend.

I remember the good times, the sad times, the make you want to cry times. I remember the little times, and the big times, the great times and in between times. Every little memory was of my mother and myself. She and I could never have been one without the other. Nearly my entire childhood was built around her. She was my life.

I remember a day. The morning when my mother did not take me to school but saw it fit to let me go on my own, to try to teach me independence. I remember that day. She seemed sad that day. She was about to cry. I waved to her as I smiled. It made me sad to see her sad. I remember that. I remember going to school that day. I remember the teachers and the classmates. I remember the hallways and lunch that day. I remember wanting to get back home as quickly as possible so that she can see that I was alright.

There are the memories you want to cherish, and the memories you wish you could forget, but each one to me is one that I keep close to my heart, because they are all I have. I remember Mother giving me Milkshakes as a pet. I remember keeping her close to me at all times. She followed me to school and I followed her up trees. I remember it all.

Yet there was always that one memory, that memory that makes me cry. It was that day, when mother let me go on my own. I waved goodbye, I always waved goodbye. She seemed so sad to see me go. I remember coming home, a small little house on the corner. I was eating an apple. Milkshakes was behind me. I remember coming home. I opened the door.

Mother wasn't there.

I waited for her. I waited for so long. I never thought she would leave. I couldn't stop crying, the tears so hot against my cheeks. I held onto Milkshakes. She wouldn't stop licking my face. I was so sad. I was so afraid. Without Milkshakes, I would have been so alone.

I waited.

The days flew by as I did.

I waited.

Until, I couldn't survive on the wait anymore.

When I stopped crying, I went back to school. I didn't speak much after that.

I always felt lonely. Milkshakes was my only companion through the years. She was the only one who understood. Milkshakes is the one who kept me sane through it all. She may not have been Mother, but she was the closest thing I could ever get to having her with me.

I remember that night too.

Oh, Hiei, you were so injured. There was so much blood. I didn't know what to do, but when I looked at you, I knew I had to do something. You looked so peaceful, Hiei. I just had to save you.

I never knew you would become my friend, Hiei. I never thought you would ever come back after I healed you. I was fully expecting you to leave me. I never had the inkling of an idea that you would stay… with me. I wanted you to though. You don't know how badly. I felt a sort of bond, something that was sacred and couldn't be shared. I knew you were just like me, Hiei. I knew you felt just as alone as I felt. I could sense the sadness within you. It made my heart cry out. I wanted that pain for you to go away, because I knew exactly how it feels. I know that it hurts so much. It just hurts on the inside and you can't make the pain go away by yourself. I know how it feels, Hiei, and I wanted to make that pain go away. I wanted to do it myself, even if you did leave me in the end.

I was so happy to see you come back. I was so happy to not feel alone when you were there. You always made me feel wanted, Hiei. That's more than anyone has ever given me. I wanted to share those feeling with you too, Hiei. I hoped I had made you feel wanted and welcomed. I wanted to ask. I wanted to see if I could heal wounds in another that I can't heal in myself. It would make me happy to see you a little less hurt, a little less scared, a little less alone.

Then you gave me something so special, Hiei. That memory has always stayed the closest to my heart. The kiss you gave me, and in the rain. I couldn't have been more happy. You couldn't have made me any happier, Hiei. When you didn't stop just there, it made my heart melt to be with you. You held me so close, you kissed me so sweetly, and made love to me so tenderly. I never felt so many emotions for one person before. I get shivers whenever I think about the two of us together in bed. I can't concentrate on anything else when I think of it. You make me feel so alive, Hiei.

Hiei. I could say your name a thousand times and never tire. I couldn't stop when you were inside of me. I never felt anything so wonderful in my life. I know the power you hold within yourself. I know how much harder you could have made it, how painful it could have been, but as the night went on, every touch you made on my skin was so soft and gentle. It left my skin searing it felt so good. You took such great care with me, Hiei. I want to cry because I felt so cared for.

I love you more than anything, Hiei. You've given me so much to look forward to everyday. You just don't know how much my heart beats for you. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes, and sometimes, I just can't stand it. Your touch leaves my skin tingling all over, I just can't help myself when you're around. I feel so alive with you, Hiei. Nothing is more sacred to me than you.

I could never have asked for anything more perfect.

So I want to say I'm sorry, Hiei.

I'm sorry for everything I'm about to do.

I never wanted our time together to end.

You made me feel.

You made me feel.

I never received such a beautiful gift before.

So as I look on to the headlights of the car flying towards me.

I know what I have to do now.

I have to die.

TBC…

LS: IT'S NOT OVER!!!!! You gotta keep reading. It get's better I promise!!!