Author's note:
Thank you so much for following this story and for your patience (I know it has been over a week) I hope you'll keep reading it!
These next few chapters are some of my personal favorites!
So enjoy! I hope you like it!
It had been over a week since Blaine gave Rachel the message for Kurt. For a few days he had had hope in his heart, but as the days went by, he started to lose it, slowly but surely. He had seen this as the last resort and now he feared that Kurt had already let go and moved on.
Blaine got home that afternoon, tired and worn out after glee rehearsal. They were prepping for Regionals and it had run late, so he hadn't made it home in time for dinner. He walked through the front door and into the hall, and yelled a quick "hello" to his parents who were in the living room. He dragged himself to the kitchen, heated the leftovers and ate alone by the kitchen table. When he was done he walked through the hall, heading for the stairs. When he walked past the open door to the living room, his mother called after him: "Blaine, honey. I forgot to tell you. There was something for you in the mail today. It is on the table by the door." "Okay, thanks." Blaine yelled back, and frowning in confusion as he walked towards the table, but then he saw it.
An envelope with Blaine's name and address scribbled on it and he recognized the handwriting instantly. Kurt. The only word repeating in his head. He rushed up the stairs and ran to his room. He had to read it alone, in privacy, where no one would suddenly burst in. He slammed the door behind him, locked it and sat by his desk, slowly opening the envelope, without tearing it apart. He took the letter out, and a tiny piece of paper fell out with it. He unfolded it and on it was Blaine's message to Kurt. He took a deep breath. He started hurting in a weird way, and he feared what was inside the letter. What Kurt wanted him to know. He unfolded the letter and started slowly reading it making sure to read every word carefully.
Dear Blaine.
I am writing this letter because I got your message and don't know how else to do this. But those words really mean a lot to me.. to us, and what we have, or what we had I guess. It made me remember once you were sick. You had a fever and you could barely stand, and I came over to watch Moulin Rouge with you, it always seemed to make us feel better. And you insisted on singing Come what may with me, and I insisted on kissing you even though I was sick the week after that. But we didn't care. We were in love. Nothing in the world mattered but you and I in the moment. God we loved like no other didn't we? But it makes me sad because we lost that, along the way, but I don't know when we lost it? I don't have the answer and I don't know if you do.
Rachel suggested that reading your message would help me see clearly on us, on everything, and she was right. I read it and felt sane for awhile. Safe knowing they were your words, I even kept the note in my pocket for days imagining that everything was how it once was. But it made me see clear, because what I saw was what he had lost. How we felt when those words really mattered, when they were true. And now it has just left me with an aching feeling, trying to remember how things once were, how we felt, always drawing a blank, realizing it will probably never be that way again.
I don't know what went wrong, maybe we just slowly drifted apart, losing the feelings, forgetting them, forgetting what really mattered. Because what makes me sadder is that I don't even remember that feeling; how it felt to love like we did, how we loved, how we laughed and touched, it has been so long. It feels like years. But you were right when you said I was busy and that I wasn't there, because I know I wasn't and I am sorry, but that still doesn't justify what you did, it still hurts… too much. It seems like no matter what we do it hurts. It hurt us both when we were together so many miles apart and it hurts now, when we're both clinging to something we already lost some time ago.
So maybe it would be easier to let go. Let the past be the past, and let fate guide us to our future – together or apart. Because right now everything just hurts too much and I can't keep feeling like this. I know you don't want to let go, I don't want to either, but we have to try, it's what I need to do right now. And who knows, maybe time will heal our broken hearts, maybe it will make us remember or make us long for each other, or maybe we will just move on. Either way I think time is what we need. Apart. Letting go of what we once had. Maybe to make room for something even greater.
This will hurt too, but how can it be worse than what have been the last few months? I am not saying goodbye, I am just letting go for now, letting life be life, letting time take its course and you should try to do the same. For me, but also for you. To get time, space and just to breathe again. I really think it's for the better. And you will always have a place in my heart and I still love you, but for now I have to let you go.
Come what may.
Sincerely, Kurt Hummel.
Blaine was sliding his hand over the paper as he read Kurt's words, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. His stomach aching. Somewhere deep inside he knew Kurt was right, that they had forgotten, drifted slowly but surely apart, somehow they had already without knowing it let go of their love, and their feelings for each other just to feel even more pain – and then holding on to that pain, because letting go seemed too final. He had to answer him. Had to let him know that he would always love him, one last time before they let go for good, because that's what he would do.. for Kurt.
He was still crying when he went to Kurt's drawer in his dresser. Blaine had laughed to himself when Kurt came into his room with a bag and said: "Have you cleared a drawer for me? Because I have to have a whole drawer for all this stuff." He said it with such seriousness that Blaine couldn't help but laugh with love. "What?" Kurt asked. "If you want me to sleep over I have to have a drawer!" His lips changed into a tiny smile, and he looked at Blaine in an as-a-matter-of-fact way. Blaine smiled at him, and went from his bed over to the dresser and opened the empty top drawer and turned to face Kurt. "I do want you to sleep over," he said with a smile and a teasing voice, while walking slowly towards Kurt, running his hands over his chest when he reached him. "Good," Kurt said, dropping the bag on the floor, and putting his arms around Blaine's waist.
"How come I get the top drawer?" he asked. Blaine shrugged. "Because it's the biggest and the best drawer of them all and it didn't seem right to give you any other." Kurt's smiled widened. "And because I love you." Blaine said in a lower voice moving his face closer to Kurt's. "I love you," Kurt said and kissed Blaine with so much love, that they felt their hearts explode in their chests, in the best way possible. The kiss was long, romantic, passionate and tender all at the same time, their lips moving on each others. Blaine moved his one hand, laying it tenderly on Kurt's cheek. Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine's curly hair, and they felt alone in the world. Nothing could touch them. Nothing.
Blaine remembered, when Kurt had unpacked in his drawer that night, how he had turned around facing Blaine who was lying on the bed, and he said: "I really have a drawer here now." "You really do," Blaine said. They both smiled at each other and Kurt spent the night. Blaine opened it for the first time in ages. There were a lot of moisturizing cream, underwear, a toothbrush, some clothes, including a couple of t-shirts to sleep in, Kurt's Moulin Rouge DVD, and some royal magazines he would read sometimes when he stayed over, complaining about Blaine's lack of interest. Also there was a copy of both of their prom pictures. "These are if we ever forget" Kurt had said when he put them in there that night, Blaine smiling at him, thinking about how much he loved Kurt for just being him.
Blaine cried even more at the memories. He picked one of the shirts up and unfolded it. There was text printed on it and in red it said: "Come what may – Moulin Rouge." Blaine smiled, and hugged the shirt and pressed it to his face and sobbed, there was still a tiny bit of Kurt's smell in it. Blaine gave him that shirt for their anniversary, and he had one to match, but he wanted to sleep in Kurt's. He hadn't touched his own since they broke up. It was still folded at the back of his closet. It was too painful. But he wanted to feel Kurt close to him. He wanted to feel safe, like everything would be ok. But he didn't and he tossed and turned all night until he fell into a sleep full of memories.