Chapter 6

"Okay then," said Jane, clapping his hands. "Let's evacuate the building and figure out what to do from there."

He took a breath and was apparently about to yell, "MONSTER!" - only for Lisbon to stop him at the last second. "Don't scare everyone, Jane. It's like shouting 'Fire!' in a theater."

"Good point," said Jane. "Hey everybody, they just arrested Kim Kardashian and they're delivering her to us!"

Immediately, the rest of the floor cleared out as people scrambled to get a glimpse of the washed-up celebrity. Anthony chuckled hugely after hearing this one. "I almost wanna see it for myself," he said. "'Cause they're gonna have to keep her wrapped up in some black shroud or she'll catch fire in the sun." He paused. "Man, that was one of my favorite scenes ever." He put on a horrible high voice and sashayed his ass to some imaginary person next to himself. "Khloe, do these pants make my butt look small? Yeah, them's were the days..." His voice trailed off into a wistful sigh as he remembered the glory days of his mid-twenties.

"Okaaaaay," Van Pelt drawled. "Say that again with a straight face. And can we get back to the fact that I'm the one this monster wants?"

"We gotta hide you then, Grace," said Rigsby. "The fallout shelter is still usable, right?"

Cho shook his head. "No, it's been closed for ten years. Water damage."

"What about Jane's attic hideaway?" Lisbon suggested.

Jane flinched as if hurt. "Lisbon, I thought that was supposed to be a secret!" But then he turned to Anthony and stage-whispered, "Just kidding. It's an open secret. Everyone knows about it."

"To the attic!" crowed Anthony. Jane could almost swear that the old 60s "Batman" theme was playing as they scrambled up the stairs to the attic. From the attic, they were able to observe the entire city, watching as the monster that used to be Ian approached from the east.

"So, now what?" Lisbon asked. "It's not like Jane ever kept any monster-killing weapons in here. Did you, Jane?"

"Only for human monsters," said Jane. "Such as Red John."

Anthony cast his eyes around to see if he could spot any potentially useful supplies. All he could find were the remains of an old cork bulletin board, a megaphone, and a half-rusted metal bucket. Calling on his inner Violet Baudelaire, Anthony decided on a course of action - use noise to either attract or scare the creature away. He handed the bucket to Jane and picked up the megaphone. "Testing!" he yelled into it to see if it worked. Unfortunately for the CBI team and their ears, it did. "All right. Agent Van Pelt, get back. Agent Jane, come with me!"

"I'm not an agent," said Jane.

"Whatever," said Anthony. "Follow me onto the balcony and, when I tell you, start pounding the bucket. Here, use this." He found a PVC pipe on the floor and handed that to Jane as well. Before leaving, he turned around and spoke to the four agents. "We're gonna distract Ian with noise, so you guys can go down to the ground and start attacking it from below. I sure as hell hope he's got the same kind of weak points as humans."

"You mean, shoot him in the balls or something?" Rigsby asked, wincing.

Van Pelt cocked her service pistol. "I so wanna do that."

"Or the ankles, or the kneecaps, or...does he even have kneecaps?" Lisbon asked, confused.

"The point is we're trying to knock Ian out, but not kill him," said Anthony. "So don't hit anything vital, all right? No femoral artery or whatever it is. No internal organs. I'd rather save Ian, you know? I'm sure my best friend is still in there somewhere."

"If you say so," said Cho skeptically, checking his own gun before flicking the safety off.

"Good luck!" called Anthony as Lisbon led the rest of the team out of the room. He then turned towards the monster, now less than half a mile away, and signaled to Jane to start pounding the bucket. Turning the megaphone up to eleven, Anthony started shouting into it wildly. "HEY! HEY IAN-MONSTER! YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH, ARE YOU, YOU WIMPY LITTLE ANIMAL YOU? YOU'VE JUST GOT A SMALL TALLYWHACKER!"

"Small tallywhacker?" Jane repeated.

"Trust me, it'll work," said Anthony. "Keep banging the bucket - this fucker isn't gonna go down without a fight!"