For the record, I'm not stupid. I had no illusions where my feelings for Castiel were concerned. It was straight up a no-win situation. He was an angel of the Lord, one of God's warriors, so holy that I couldn't even look at him in his true form. Maybe that was why I loved him - because he was holy. I'd seen so much of the evil and darkness mankind was capable of that I'd become jaded and disillusioned.

"You struck me," Castiel said with a curious tilt of his head. "Why?"

A hysterical laugh bubbled up inside my chest. Why indeed? It wasn't like I could actually tell him the truth. Yeah, that would go over really well. So I opted for ignoring the truth, choosing instead to focus on that glimmer of defeat I'd seen in his eyes.

"I could ask you the same question, Castiel. Why? Why do I see resignation when I look in your eyes? Tell me why you're so eager to sacrifice yourself and maybe I'll tell you why I slapped you."

He was silent for a long time as he watched me in the growing dark of twilight. When he finally spoke there was an edge, a hardness to his voice that hadn't been there before.

"I have my orders," Castiel said again. "What I want doesn't enter into it. I will do what I have to do. If I fall, I fall."

"To hell with your orders," I all but shouted. "You've broken them before. You could break them now if you wanted to. Tell me why you're so willing to march off to your death? Tell me the truth, Castiel. Is this how angels commit suicide?"

I'd pushed him before, had demanded answers he wasn't ready to give. But I'd never pushed him too far, not until now. One second he was on the far side of the porch, the next he was in my face backing me against the front door. The air around us seemed to vibrate with his fury. I was shaking without even realizing it.

"Scores!" he roared then quickly lowered his voice as he reigned in his anger. "Scores of my brothers have already fallen in this war, dieing while trying to save you. Do not speak to me about breaking my orders, Lily. I will not do it. Not this time. There is too much at stake." He stood over me pinning me in place with those brilliant blue eyes. Reaching up, he brushed his knuckles over my jaw. His voice was softer this time. "Don't be afraid."

Swallowing hard, I gave him a small, timid smile. "I thought you were supposed to say 'fear not'."

The corners of Castiel's mouth turned up slightly, not quite a grin but still enough to tell me he appreciated my humor. His eyes softened as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

"We all have our parts to play," he said, dropping his hand and flexing his fingers. "Go inside and get some rest."

He must have used some special angelic version of a 'Jedi mind trick' because the next thing I remember, I was waking up in my borrowed bed with the early morning sun on my face.

As I pulled on a long-sleeved tee shirt and a pair of jeans, my thoughts were focused on the epiphany I'd had the night before. Loving Castiel the way I did would be considered blasphemous to some, though that didn't change the fact that I did love him. The real trick would be pushing those feelings far enough towards the back of my mind that no one, including Castiel, was any the wiser.

To distract myself, I decided to make breakfast for everyone, something I quickly learned the kitchen wasn't exactly cut out for - if the lack of anything even remotely resembling breakfast food was any indication. So I did what any woman would do in my situation. I woke Bobby and asked him to make a grocery run.

When Ben trudged down the stairs an hour or so later, yawning broadly and wiping the sleep from his eyes, I was spooning the last of the pancake batter onto the griddle. His delight at finding a real breakfast in front of him was eclipsed by the sight of Dean filling the doorway.

"Do I smell pancakes?" Dean asked just before he found himself with seventy-five pounds of nine-year old launched at him.

"Dean!" Ben exclaimed.

My stomach clenched when Dean's eyes went all misty. "Heya, kiddo," he said hoarsely as he wrapped his arms around my nephew's shoulders, returning the hug.

To his credit, Dean did take his time with the whole 'by the way, I'm your dad' revelation. He waited until Ben was completely awake with a full belly before telling him they needed to talk. I had expected Dean to do it privately, just the two of them but he caught me off guard when he asked me to sit back down at the small table.

All in all, he took it well. Ben was apparently his father's son in that respect. He just sat back and crossed his arms over his chest, looking down for a long moment before looking up at the two of us. Then he smirked.

"I knew it," he announced with a waggle of his eyebrows. "Cool is in my genes."

We sort of fell into a routine after that. Dean and Sam continued to hunt but began using Bobby's house as a home base. They'd leave every few weeks then come back to the salvage yard to rest and regroup. To satisfy my curiosity and pacify my survival instincts - which were screaming for me to run and not look back - I learned all I could about all those things that went bump in the night. Bobby's library held a wealth of information and most of it scared the living shit out of me.

Not once during all those long weeks did I see Castiel. I knew he was around, he'd been a sore subject with Dean and that only worsened after Halloween. He didn't say and I damned well didn't ask. His mood bordered on volcanic. So, I steered clear of him, focusing my attention instead on home schooling Ben. Since we'd been on the run, I hadn't given much thought to his education. I think working on his studies kept both of us sane.

The tension built and built around us then finally came to a head when Anna showed up. And then came Pamela Barnes, the psychic who'd had her eyes burned out of their sockets when she'd ignored Castiel's warnings and had taken a peek at his true form. The hate she felt for him made me sad but it was learning that he and Uriel had come to kill Anna that broke my heart. Sam filled me in as much as he could. I didn't have the heart to ask Dean. Until he'd walked through that door after Anna reclaimed her grace I'd always thought the thousand yard stare to be an exaggerated metaphor. I was wrong.

I was washing dishes late one evening not long after Dean and Sam had returned from Kentucky when Castiel came around again. I didn't have to turn around at the creak in the floorboards to know it was him. My hands stilled in the sudsy water and I sighed.

"Why are you here?" I asked without preamble, trying and failing to hide the relief I was feeling.

"Do you not want me to be?" he countered as he stepped forward and stood behind me, so close I could feel his breath on my neck.

Reaching for a dishtowel, I moved away from the sink and away from Castiel. I dried my hands and tossed the towel aside before I said, "You can come and go as you please. You always do."

With a heavy sigh, he ignored my sarcasm and replied, "I am here because I need to be here."

"Really? And why is that?" I wasn't in the mood for his cryptic riddles.

Castiel looked at me with wide, intense eyes and I knew then - that he knew how I felt about him. My stomach plummeted to the kitchen floor and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. I must have looked it too because the next thing I knew, he was gripping my upper arms, holding me upright.

"It's coming," he said gravely.

I swallowed hard. "What is?"

Remember how I had a nasty habit of asking questions that I really didn't want answered? This was one of them. Hell, this was the mother of them all.

Castiel's eyes, those ridiculously blue eyes, looked sadder and more forlorn that I ever remembered them being. They held mine as he said, "The end."