-1A thousand pounds of jagged rock seemed to settle in my stomach when the meaning behind Castiel's softly spoken words became clear. My heart beat a riotous tattoo against my chest and I felt suddenly breathless. Strangely absent was the clenching of my gut that always preceded my inevitable upchucking whenever the angel delivered news I wasn't ready to hear. In its place I felt an odd numbness, almost as if I'd been expecting this but hadn't quite realized it until that moment.
"How soon?" I managed to choke out as I stared down at my feet unable to keep his gaze.
Castiel's hands loosened on my arms but he didn't let me go. I could feel his thumbs rubbing soothing circles, heard him take a deep, steadying breath, but not once did I look up. I didn't trust myself enough. I was about two seconds away from launching myself at him, consequences be damned. If this was it, if the end of the world was really right around the corner, I didn't want to die without knowing his touch. But sadly for all my bark and bravado, I just didn't have the balls.
"Soon," he said simply.
My voice shook a little as I said, "What's going to happen?"
His hands dropped and he looked away. "I do not know. Much depends on Dean."
I watched as Castiel fought some internal battle. A muscle ticked in his stubble covered jaw. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, to just lay my hand against his face and soothe away those lines of worry. But something stopped me from going to him. Maybe it was the inherent knowledge that I'd be crossing a line I couldn't uncross. Touching Castiel now would all but be an admission of my feelings. I couldn't do that to him, not now when there was obviously more than just the weight of the world resting on his shoulders.
"What can I do?" I asked breaking the silence that had settled over the kitchen.
He looked back at me then. There was so much emotion burning in his eyes that I suddenly found it very hard to breathe. Fear, anguish, dread, hope, and love were one big tangled mess and I'd never seen anything more beautiful or heartbreaking.
Castiel's voice was rough as he said, "There's nothing you can do. I fear I made a mistake in leading you here. My superiors are concerned that Ben will prove too great a distraction for Dean."
I didn't want to know, really I didn't but I couldn't stop myself from saying, "What do they want you to do?"
"Ben will be sent away for his safety. You are to go with him."
"And your superiors don't think Ben's angelic abduction won't be a distraction? Dean will be furious!"
He spoke in a tone so soft I had to strain to hear him. "Dean will not remember him."
I turned away from him with shaking hands, willing myself to be strong, not to let the tears of self-pity and defeat take me. There was nothing I could do to stop them from taking us away. In my heart, I understood. I really did. That didn't mean I agreed, not at all. Or at least, at first I didn't. Then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong if Dean's head wasn't a hundred percent in the game. Maybe this was the only way.
The last thing I expected was to feel Castiel's hands on me once more, this time far more gently. They landed softly on my shoulders startling me enough that I let out an undignified squeak then turned me to face him. This time I didn't bother to try and hide my emotions. I let every ounce of love I felt for him rise up to the surface and my skin sang with it.
I'm not really sure what I was going to say. I never got the chance. No sooner than I had opened my mouth, I was jerked roughly forward closing the small gap between Castiel's borrowed body and my own. The lips that swooped down to capture my own were cool and dry, at first just brushing across my startled mouth before taking advantage of my surprise. And I was definitely, definitely surprised. For several long heartbeats of time I couldn't move or think. My mind was so full of Castiel and all the feelings that he was stirring inside me that it was simply closed off to anything that existed outside our forbidden little bubble.
He was impossibly warm. My arms wound around his neck drawing him closer. It wasn't enough. I couldn't get enough. Castiel seemed to feel the same way because the next thing I knew, he was backing me against the kitchen wall and pressing every single inch of his body against mine. We were welded together from chest to knee, mouths hot, hungry and demanding. My fingers worked their way into his hair while his wormed their way beneath my shirt. His touch was fire, his lips the soul of damnation.
To this day, I still wonder if maybe, just maybe it had all been a dream. A beautiful, wonderful, completely fucked up dream. The memory was burned into my brain every bit as much as it had been etched into my heart. For one glorious, unbelievable moment, I'd known true ecstasy - from a single, world shattering kiss.
It was over almost as quickly as it had begun. Castiel suddenly tore himself away from me, fleeing to the opposite wall where he stood panting. With wide, confused eyes he stared at me. I watched the fear overtake his other emotions and felt my heart break into a thousand pieces.