Standard disclaimers ... Lester has minimal damage ... Hal is still holding on

The Ultimate Debate 10
by Alfonsina.

Things had been kind of quiet since Lester left; Brett even wanted to turn up the music to compensate for the lack of Lester's snoring. I told him if he wanted it that loud, I'd download music into his iPod and he could entertain himself with it. You've got to be considerate of the neighbors, right?

By the end of our second week, we were no longer seen as outsiders at the Rangeman Boston office. The schedule was changed up and now we were both partnered with others; it was a nice change.

My first surveillance shift I got partnered with Dustin. Dustin was the new kid; just out of the reserves, there was a little moisture left behind his ears. He was atypical for us: dark curly hair and quiet, young and married. I kept waiting for the barrage of questions and none came. There were no observations about how home improvement shows make everything seem so much easier than real life. There were no questions about how 'Aunt Jemima' got her name. There was no speculation on whether or not Hercule Poirot was gay or just a little too tidy.

There was no conversation, just observation – you know the way it is supposed to be. But if working with Dustin was textbook perfect, why did it feel strange?

~x~x~

I'd put in a fourteen hour day and had just taken my shower when Brett came bouncing back into the room.

"I had the best time tonight with George."

George? Other than the odd text here or there, I hadn't really heard much from George since we'd been here.

"Thought you were working."

"I got partnered with George today; Steve wanted to do monitors. Tomorrow night is a major takedown and I get to see George in action. Wanna come?"

Wanna come? Beats watching re-runs of Bones downstairs with the guys while trying to figure out who done it. I prefer Master Piece Theatre, but that's just me.

"Sure. I'm probably on the schedule anyway."

"George is so totally cool. Did you know that George can explain computers so that even an idiot can understand them?"

"No way."

"Way. Like I said, it was the best time."

~x~x~

The takedown was set for 11:00 the next night. It was an all hands on deck kind of a thing. James Standish was into sex slaves and his operation was now in three states.

I'd already put in a twelve hour day and Dustin and I were getting ready to rejoin the rest of the team at the office when Dustin got a call. His pregnant wife had gone into labor early; two weeks early.

We hadn't even made it all the way to the hospital that I got a phone call from Brett.

"Man, George is totally, like, magic."

"What? George was pulling rabbits from hats?"

"Nah, but that would be cool too, I love bunnies. I think my favorites are the really fluffy white ones, you know with the powder puff tails. I love the powder puff tails."

C D E F G H I Are we part of this take down or not?

"Do you still need me?" I asked, probably a little tersely.

"Oh yeah, that. Nah, do whatever you were going to do. You guys don't need to come, takedown is over. We got them all."

Good. Great. Whatever. I'm tired and just want to go to bed.

"Hey, do you want to join us at the karaoke bar?" he asked.

He was bouncing as he spoke, I could just hear it.

"I'll pass. I'm going to drop Dustin off and head back for the night."

"But it could be so much fun!"

Yes, it could be. The last time we had 'fun' together we'd been speed dating, EACH OTHER. I really didn't want to make any more appearances as a couple right now.

"I want to work out and then go to bed," I said yawning into the phone. What? There's nothing wrong with a little added emphasis.

"But, if you change your mind, join us, OK? We'll be at the George and Dragon."

"Sure. Thanks for the invite."

~x~x~

Brett got home around one o'clock in the morning; he was still bouncing.

"Wanna talk?" he asked pulling his shirt off over his head.

"Want to go back to sleep."

"I'm too wired to sleep."

"I left you some hot chocolate by the microwave and there's some milk if you want it."

I rolled over and pulled the pillow over my head.

"You know, for a newbie, George has some major skills. Third degree black belt, qualified for the Olympic shooting team, but was too young to go, AND George speaks three languages."

George is perfect. Yay George. Go team.

Why is there no remote control to prevent me from hearing Brett drone on and on about the glories of working with George?

Brett wandered into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, stripped off his pants, and crawled into bed.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Oh God.

"I've heard of it, but I don't believe in it for myself," I said. "Why?"

"Cause I think I'm in love. George has this killer smile, fantastic body, amazing ass and smells good. Did you know George doesn't use anything but soap and still smells amazing?"

J K L M N O P Q R

"Brett, it's late. If you and George have a future together, I'm really glad for you, but I'm really tired."

~x~x~

Since my new partner was off doing 'daddy duty' for a couple of weeks, I got to do monitor duty; double shifts. I was given an hour between shifts to exercise and eat. At least I've started to lose some of the muffin top. Not that my abs are properly defined yet, but I no longer unbutton the top of my pants and hide it under the belt.

Brett continued to work with George. I was always a day late and a dollar short when it came to an actual introduction, but I felt like I knew George. Brett couldn't say enough about his new partner.

What, or better who, was George? The ultimate boy scout, that's what. George got through with college in two and a half years instead of four, to cut costs. George was the eldest child of a nomadic family, so languages came easily. George had an on again off again relationship with someone named Chris. George loved herbal teas, cats, and action adventure movies.

I was really starting to hate George. George was young, smart, had fabulous abs and a tight ass. Right now I felt old, tired, had very mediocre abs, and my ass weighed 180 pounds and answered to the name Brett.

Yeah. I was in a peachy mood.

The bed still had three people in it, but now the third was George. The problem with having George bunking with us, other than the fact that George is perfect at everything all of the time, is that there is no way to get rid of a ghost. I almost wish that Lester was back.

~x~x~

"Pumpkin, what's the matter?" Larry asked a few days later over breakfast. "You look like you could use a shoulder to cry on. You can tell Auntie Larry and Uncle Darryl anything. You know that, right?"

"I'm fine, really," I said. I wasn't, not really. I wanted to go back to Trenton to my own apartment, to my stash of Nutter Butter Cookies, to my own life. I was borrowing this one and it was wearing thin.

"Tell you what, muffin," he said, "I'm making a roasted chicken and veggies tonight. I've even got homemade shortbread cookies planned for dessert. Why don't you come over tonight, alone? It'll just be us boys."

Great, more time with the boys. Well it would be better than hearing about the new partner.

~x~x~

Dinner with Larry and Darryl was actually a good time. The food was amazing, the conversation was light, they even played jazz from the 40s over the stereo. We took our coffee to the living room along with a pan of the promised shortbread cookies. They were just like the ones my nana made every Christmas, except there were no sprinkles or fun shapes.

"You know, Larry painted those coffee cups himself," Darryl told me.

That would explain the profile of two men kissing on each of the mugs.

"He did a lovely job," I said taking a long sip of the soothing liquid. "This is made with decaf right?"

"Sure and real cream. We only use the good stuff around here."

"Pumpkin," Larry said patting me on the knee, "you've been troubled lately."

"No. I've been tired lately."

"No. We've talked about it. Larry and I can tell there's been trouble in paradise with you and Brett," Darryl said.

I almost choked on my coffee at that comment. How can there be trouble in paradise when there is no paradise?

"We're fine. He has a new partner is all," I said slurping more coffee.

"New partner? You two haven't been together all that long!" Larry said.

"I never expected it to last as long as it did."

That was the truth. I expected to get hit with Brett once a month for a couple of days or when someone needed a really big favor. I never thought that we'd go more than a month together tops, much less a year.

"But you two are perfect together," Darryl said. "You look adorable when you are together."

Yep, that's us, Mutt and Jeff. At least I don't think of us as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.

"Sometimes it is best to leave it to the fates. I'm not going to worry about it. This is amazing coffee," I said. "It doesn't taste like the blend you serve in the mornings. What's in it?"

"Whiskey," Larry said. "Don't tell me that you don't drink."

"No. I drink but not very much. I'm a light weight."

Several years ago, I didn't give up drinking, I gave up the morning after. When I was in the service, we'd drink until either we had no money left or parts of our faces would go numb. It wasn't smart, but it's what you do when you are foolish and don't have to worry about driving yourself anywhere. After I woke up naked in a room of strangers and couldn't find my clothes, I decided moderation might be a good idea. Ultimately I stunk at moderation, so I gave up drinking completely, it was easier.

"I'll make you a plain coffee if you want it," Darryl said trying to take the cup from my hands.

"Naah, it'll be fine. Besides, I'm a cheap date, I'll probably only need one cup," I said.

I was wrong, I was already on my second cup and feeling a bit altered.

"Do you want the boy back?" Larry asked.

"No. He can have a new partner. I don't care what he does; I'm just tired of hearing about the 'oh so perfect George'."

"Inconsiderate," one of them said.

"Unfeeling bitch. He didn't know what a treasure he had in our little Hal and now he's throwing his new partner in our precious Hallie's face," the other said.

"We should ask him to leave," said the first.

"Boys, it's ok. Really. Brett and I are going back to Trenton in a couple of days and then we can pretend that this never happened."

"Never happened?" Darryl shrieked. "Never happened? He came here with you to be with you, accepted our hospitality, and then dumped you?"

The hospitality came at a price, but they really had been very kind to both of us. Technically I wasn't dumped, I was reassigned.

I took another long sip of the coffee and nodded my head. "

"We think you are wonderful," Larry said. "You fixed the exhaust fan in our bathroom."

"And you fixed the door on the fridge," Darryl said.

"You shovel the driveway every time there's a snow drift," Larry said.

I have no idea what else may have been said because that was when I fell asleep.

~x~x~

At about five, I woke up to the feeling that someone was staring at me. It turns out that someone was Brett. His clothes were rumpled, his eyes were blood shot, and he smelled of sex.

"Why are you out here?" he asked using a stage whisper that I'm sure everyone could hear.

"Sleeping. Are you just now getting home?"

Why I was trying to engage him in conversation was completely beyond me; it didn't matter.

"Yeah, I had a great time."

Of course he'd been with George again, more about George.

"Upsy daisy, princess, we need to get you into a real bed," he said.

I groaned and tried to roll over, turns out, I rolled onto the floor. My legs were tangled in a granny square comforter and there was a stuffed puppy on the sofa.

"I'm fine. Leave me alone."

I would have said more, but my head was kind of fuzzy. Just how much whisky goes into Irish coffee anyway?

"Hussy, leave our boy alone," Larry said as he stormed into the room. "I heard the commotion from in the bedroom. Hal, do you want us to have him leave effective today?"

"It's all good," I said as I roused my body from the floor. "You can go back to bed. Thanks for dinner last night."

"Any time you want to talk, you can always come to your Auntie Larry. You know that, don't you?"

"Thanks. I do think I'll head to the room so I can clean up before I go to work."

~x~x~

"What was that all about?" Brett asked once the door was closed.

"They think you've dumped me for a younger man. Did you talk to Tank yesterday?"

"No. What's up with Tank?"

"We go home in two days."

"Cool. But I'm really going to miss George."

I'm not going to miss George at all.

"You can always transfer or do a long distance relationship," I said. "I'm going to clean up and head to the gym."

"Early for you isn't it?"

I'd actually been doubling my workouts lately, given up on chocolate, and was feeling like myself again. Plus, I was going to get to go home. Things were looking up.

~x~x~

The boys gave me a care package so I could tend my broken heart back home: a copy of A Bear's Life a Magazine for Men, the book 'He's Just Not That Into You', sachets for my drawers, and some essential oils to use for aromatherapy. It was sweet, totally unnecessary, but sweet.

I normally drive when I'm with Brett, he tends to tailgate and it makes me nervous. Problem is, when I drive, Brett talks and not always to me. Sometimes I think he and Harvey, that magical, mythical, white rabbit, are friends and that scares me just a little.

I didn't really want to engage in conversation; he drove and I played opossum. It would have been just fine except that he talked anyway. At least I wasn't expected to answer him.

~x~x~

When we got back to Haywood, Tank came by to see me. He looked worried and Tank seldom if ever looks worried.

"There's a problem with Lester," he said.

"OK." What does Lester have to do with me? I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks.

"I mean a serious problem with Lester."

I nodded.

"Will you talk to him?"

"Why should I talk to him?"

"He keeps saying things like, 'No, I don't want you to chalk my cue stick.' 'No, I don't want you to move my balls for me.' And 'No means no'. It just isn't like him."

"Again I ask, why do you want me to talk to him?"

"It happened after he came back from Boston. He's different now. Did you do something to break him?"

Like I'm going to be able to fix Lester? Please.

"Where is he?"

"He's sitting in a cubicle by himself running searches. He keeps peering around the corner like he's waiting for someone to sneak up on him. If he doesn't snap out of it soon, I'm going to have to get him into treatment and look into getting therapy for him."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, he won't use the shower in the gym anymore. He won't even dress out in the locker room if someone is there. He's constantly looking over his shoulder."

I agreed and we headed to Lester's cube. He was there, but it was like nobody was home; his eyes were vacant and his skin was several shades paler. Even his teeth looked dull, and that's just not Lester. He kept rocking back and forth in his chair, clutching a box of Hostess Ding Dongs in his lap, humming 'You Are My Sunshine'.

"Lester, man, how you doing?" I asked trying to sound casual.

He leapt from his chair and threw his arms around me.

"You came alone, right? You are going to protect me, aren't you?" He asked as he tried to latch one of his legs around my waist. If I was a tree, he'd be climbing me by now.

"Sure, Lester, I'll keep you safe."

Tank and I exchanged glances. Tank's read, "You know what he's talking about?" I hope mine read, "No idea, but I'll help however I can."

"He didn't come with you, did he?" Lester whispered. "He isn't trying to find me, is he?"

"Who, Lester?"

Bigfoot? La Chupacabra? The invisible man? A pregnant woman? A woman with a stroller full of children? Someone's angry husband or boyfriend? A representative from the Health Department?

"Kevin. You didn't bring Kevin with you, did you?"

"No. I came back with Brett. No one else was in the truck."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise," I said. "Besides, I talked to Kevin, he's allergic to chocolate,"

Lester opened the box of chocolate covered delights and crammed one into his mouth.

"Safe now?" he garbled through the crumbs.

"You're safe now."

~x~x~

The first night home, alone was bliss. No one was banging on the door to use the shower just as I got the temperature adjusted the way I like it. I didn't have to worry about someone, anyone, using my toothbrush uninvited. I could read as much or as little as I wanted to, in silence.

I was in the middle of the bed, trying to get comfortable. I used to think this was one of the best beds I'd ever slept in, but now it felt a little too big. I moved pillows around and basically built myself a nest when I realized what was off; there was no music. Brett had insisted on keeping the 'Somewhere in Time' CD because he didn't think he could sleep without it. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to sleep without it either.

I tossed. I turned. I rolled. I found a classical music CD and played it; it was the wrong style. I even tried counting perps. Nothing helped.

At 1:15 there was a very quiet knocking on my door. I didn't look through the peep hole, there was only one person it could be, Brett.

Brett had a blanket over his shoulder, a pillow in one hand and that stupid CD in the other.

"Couldn't sleep either?" he asked.

What do you mean 'either'?

"No, I was sleeping like a baby."

OK, so next year I'm going to have to learn about self honesty.

"It's too quiet in there alone."

"Do you want to sleep on the sofa?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Brett got the stereo set up, used my shower, my towels and my toothbrush. Then he crashed on the sofa.

Once the opening stanza to somewhere in time had played itself through, I was out like a light. Evidently I had just become one of Pavlov's dogs. Great.

When the alarm went off, someone else beat me to it. Brett. Yep, back in bed with me. Why don't I have this effect on women? Why?

"Brett," I said, "you're going to have to start to sleep by yourself again or you need to get a girlfriend and stay with her."

"Yeah, I thought about that. Can't I just taper off?"

"It would be easier if you and Les hung out and found an easy mark. Or maybe you and Lester could sleep together."

"Yeah, but I've really thought about it. I mean, there's a lot of trust to sleeping with someone. I'd probably just leave after two or three hours of sex and I'd still wind up sleeping alone. And like I said before, Lester is handsy when you sleep with him."

Two or three hours? I hope he's counting foreplay and cuddling.

"No more details. And honestly, I really want to sleep alone unless it is with a woman," I said. "No offense."

"What? I usually smell good. I've got long hair. I'm thinner than you." Here we go with the weight comments again. "Those things alone should qualify me to sleep with you."

"Nice try, but no."

~x~x~

I had Lester give Brett the 'no means no' talk that he'd evidently tried to have with Kevin. Lester held Brett's hand the entire time. Not that I was listening in, but I was watching the body language. When Lester got to the emotional part and the true significance of no, Brett had to hand him a tissue box. It would have been touching under other circumstances, but it was being done in my living room.

When the talk was over and Brett left, Lester asked if he could stay the night. He still wasn't feeling safe.

"Where are you planning to sleep, the sofa?" I asked. Sure, I had hope in my voice when I asked, but there's no life where there is no hope.

"I was hoping I could stay in the bed with you."

"How many nights do you think you'll need?"

"Three or four."

"You can't tell Brett about this or he'll horn in."

"Word of honor," he said.

The good news was that we were being honest with each other about this. The bad news? Easy, the bad news was that when Lester opened the door, Zip, Zero, Caesar and Binky were in the hallway and heard Lester say, "What time do we want to go to bed tonight?"

I often don't think before I open my mouth. After I learn self honesty, I'm going to learn self preservation by not talking unless it is absolutely necessary.

"I'm going to be in bed around 10:00. I turn the lights off at 11:00," I said.

"Cool. See you tonight, Hal."

Just how many more ways can I humiliate myself? Evidently the number is infinite, I keep finding new and better ways to do it. Jeesh.

A/N: Hal will survive - Lester's scars will heal.

thanks as always for reading and reviewing!!! Alf