The standard disclaimers remain in force ...

A/N: Hal hasn't found out where I live yet, so I'm safe today ... don't know how long that will last.

The Ultimate Debate Chapter 13
By Alf who is providing adult beverages and sugary sweets to Hal

We had gotten back from running errands, you know the ones I thought I'd run when I was engaged to a woman. I still can't believe that for all intents and purposes, I'm Brett's fiancé. I just can't get my head around it, and I don't even want to try. Anyway, Brett was so excited about even having a special day that it didn't bother him that we're both men.

We met Larry and Darryl at their favorite diner at supper time. It was a cute little place, lots of atmosphere and not a surplus of chintz, lace or doilies.

"I want to eat something light tonight so I'm not bloated tomorrow," Brett said. "I think I'll have a salad and some steamed fish."

Larry and Darryl ordered whatever their standard faire was and looked expectantly at me.

"I'm going to have the chowder, large prime rib cooked medium, two baked potatoes smothered in sour cream, and a salad drowned in blue cheese dressing."

"Someone will be cranky in the morning," the server, whose name tag read Stanley, said. "You know, we have some amazing chicken dishes."

I glared. "No. I know what I want and that's what I want. I expect you to serve it to me the way I ordered it. I don't need the Surgeon General's warnings or speeches when it arrives."

The waiter looked at the rest of the group and shrugged the "what's up with him" shrug.

Larry said, "He's getting married in the morning, he's got the jitters."

"Who's the lucky guy?" Stanley asked.

Brett's smile lit up the room. "Me. It's me. I never thought I'd get married."

Where the hell are you from? Krypton? Did he really just say that?

"Oh, sweetie, how exciting for all of you!"

Oh yes, he did. God, can I just die now? Maybe I can melt into a puddle on the floor and they can mop me up after this is all over and no one will ever need to know about this entire debacle.

"It will be over before you even know it," the waiter said. "Freddie and I made it legal last month. The sex is so much better now that it's all legit."

Too much information. L M N O P Q … Z AA BB CC

"So are you going to place our order or do I need to ask to talk to the manager?" I asked in a huff. I needed a little protein to balance out the four candy bars I ate this afternoon.

"Fine," he said as he flounced away.

Dinner was quiet once the food arrived. I mean, there was conversation, but I just grunted when things were directed at me. Initially I thought I was doing Brett a favor and it was getting to be so much more than I'd thought or imagined it was going to be.

"Kevin is coming early tomorrow," Larry said.

"Why?" I said between mouthfuls of blueberry cobbler, my second piece.

"The rings, silly, you can't have forgotten already," Brett said. "I hope he's got some matching sets that'll fit both of us."

Matching bands? How much worse could this get? Never mind. As something like that of the Universe and you'll soon find out.

"When's Lester coming?" I asked. I wanted someone else to be suffering with me and Lester was as good a choice as any.

"Lester will be here around 10:00 to set up."

I waved for the waiter to come back to the table. "An order of strawberry shortcake," I said.

"I love strawberry shortcake. Share?" Brett asked.

"Two forks?" asked the waiter.

I shook my head. "No. Two orders, oh and some vanilla ice cream on the side."

"You're going to be in a food coma when I get you home," Brett said.

"I'm good with that." I just wish that it will last a couple of days. Maybe if I eat enough I won't be cognizant at all of tomorrow.

~x~x~

I wish I could say the ceremony was over in less time than it took to tell a dirty joke, but I can't. It was forever, mostly I guess because I wanted to die the entire time.

It turns out that the suit I bought for the trip was the same one that Brett had. We looked like the freaking Bobsy twins; the only difference other than our heights was in the tie; mine was a quiet stripe and his was a very vivid floral.

Brett spent forty-five minutes ironing the shirts, hankies and pleats on the pants so we would both look sharp. I was willing to look comatose and comfortable; I didn't have any luck with that at all.

I got up extra early that morning to run. I ran five miles before I realized I hadn't paid any attention to where I was and didn't care. I decided to run until my legs gave out, at mile twelve according to my pedometer, Brett came up beside me in the SUV.

"I didn't think you were training for a marathon."

"I'm not," I panted while continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

"We need to get cleaned up and set up the rest of the stuff for the broadcast."

At least he's not calling it anything else right now.

"Yeah, I know," I said as I got into his car.

"Besides, Kevin wants you to pick out your ring now."

"I don't want a ring," I said blowing out yet another sigh. I'm beginning to feel like all I do anymore is sigh and look at my watch. There's more to me, I swear it, it just doesn't feel like that right now.

"But I've already paid for a matching set, it will make it so much better on the broadcast my granny sees."

Paid? Brett actually paid for something? This is more important to him than I realized.

I nodded and looked out the window.

We were greeted by Kevin when we got 'home'.

"Is he here yet?" he asked.

Is Kevin related to Brett or what? I mean, the man was bouncing on his heels.

"Who?" I asked. "You mean Lester?"

If he bobbed his head up and down any harder it might be in danger of coming loose.

"Yes. Is he here?"

"He's due in a couple of hours," I said walking over to the fridge to get a bottle of cold water.

"I can't wait to see him again," he said. "But since I have to wait, let's all look at rings." Kevin opened a brief case that had several matching ring sets and some that were singles. "Now let's slip this on and see just how big a boy you are."

Eww.

After trying on all of the rings in the kit, it was determined that my fingers were size 17.

"You lucky boy," Kevin said to Brett. "I don't think I have anything that matches that will fit both of you."

I looked at the two of them and shook my head. I knew what they were thinking and I just couldn't let my mind go there without a significant amount of brain bleach.

Kevin pulled out several rings that had diamonds, Brett kept talking about how he'd always wanted diamonds in a wedding ring. Just last week he was talking about women, what's going on inside of that pea brain of his anyway?

Brett found several he loved and there were a couple that were plain that fit me, sort of. The rings that were my size barely went past my knuckle and there wasn't time to get anything sized. I opted for the loosest fit, which merely meant it didn't cut off circulation in my fingers.

I had to go to the bathroom to soap off the ring when Brett finally Okayed it.

While I was in the bathroom, and let me tell you it took quite a bit of liquid soap to loosen that ring, there was considerable hubbub outside the door.

"You're here!" exclaimed the voice.

I couldn't tell if it was Brett or Kevin, but I figured that Lester had just arrived.

"You're staying for the whole thing, right?" the voice asked. "I want the first dance after the grooms have their first dance."

"Get off of me, man," grumbled Lester. Must have been Kevin talking. "I'm not playing hard to get. I'm not here for a date. Terri is upset that I came alone."

"Terri? My don't you move fast?"

I opened the bathroom door and Lester flew into my arms.

"I'm only here because you were the best partner I ever had," he said. "If I'd known he was coming, I'd have sent Hector."

"Glad you're here, man. Are you staying the night?" I asked him.

"No way in hell. None. Nope. Not doing it. I'm going to need to see a therapist when I get home," he whispered. "Can you get me the number of that hypnotherapist? I'm going to need to see her again."

"Don't sleep well alone, lover?" Kevin asked.

"I sleep just fine when I'm alone. I prefer not to sleep alone and Terri doesn't want to sleep with me just yet; wants to know how the relationship is going."

"Sounds like it isn't serious enough yet for me to worry. I'll let you sleep with me."

"I'd rather sleep with Hal and Brett," Lester said.

I nodded. I'm good with that. I brought the air mattress and I had no problem sleeping on it so he and Brett could share the bed.

"No. You aren't invited into the honeymoon suite the first night. Their first night as husbands is supposed to be special," Larry said butting in. "I need to safeguard your rings until the ceremony. Give it here."

He held out his hand in expectation and Lester's jaw dropped several inches. Perfect.

"Lester, let me help you with the equipment," I said putting my arm over his shoulder. "We've got about two hours."

"Can I shower and change in your room after this is over?" he asked.

"Sure, Les. Whatever you need."

"Keep me safe," he said.

"No problem. I'll keep you safe and you keep me sane."

"What about me?" Brett whined.

"Don't you need to iron something or fluffy something? You do it so much better than I do," I said.

"Okay. But no gossiping while you're out there alone and unsupervised."

"Promise."

~x~x~

"You're really going through with this?" Lester asked.

"It's just a paper thing, it isn't like the license is going to be filed or anything when it's all over. Brett wants his grandmother to die happy, this will do that, or so he says."

Lester looked me in the eyes and said, "You're sure?"

"No. But I promised and I keep my promises."

"Okay, let's set it up."

To be continued……….

A/N: thank you for reading, reviewing and offering to hold hands with Hal to keep him calm. Brett is looking for someone who is as excited as he is that he is getting MARRIED! alf