Standard disclaimers, the never change do they? *Sigh* Not making and not gonna make any money on this endeavor, not even making a referral fee for Hal, Brett, or Lester for their therapy sessions.

The Ultimate Debate Chapter 14
By Alfonsina
who is convinced Hal needs a little more sugar in his diet

I blame this all on my mother. That's right. I blame it on Mom. She made me go to church, the boy scouts, and get involved in civic organizations from a young age. Right now, I think my life would have turned out to be happier if I had played video games, owned a snake and been anti-social.

If she hadn't done those things, I wouldn't be standing in front of a small group of men about to make a verbal, thank you very much, commitment to Brett. I promised he'd be able to make his grandmother happy, I didn't realize how big a price I'd pay for an old woman's happiness.

The officiate, looked vaguely familiar, in fact very, very familiar. I just couldn't place her face. It was odd that she was the only woman, but it didn't really matter right now, did it? Besides, if I wasn't getting married at this exact moment, I'd consider asking her out. I've never had good luck or good timing.

K L M N O P

She asked if we had written our own vows. I hadn't written a word. I spent the night in the bed with a compress on my forehead wishing the room would quit spinning.

Brett whispered, "Larry gave me his vows to Darryl and Darryl's to Larry are in your pocket. They're typed so you should be able to read them pretty easily."

Great. Just what I wanted, personalized vows to a man. I'm really happy that there won't be anything but a bad youtube video as a result of all this when it is finally over.

I felt around until I found a folded sheet of paper.

"You really want me to read this out loud?"

Please, for the love of God, say no. Please?????

He nodded, eyes shining.

This had better not be Emily Dickinson or some other love poem. Let it be something like 'friends, best friends, really.' Yeah, that's it.

That wasn't it. It wasn't. It wasn't even remotely like that.

I took a minute to read it to myself first and felt myself getting pale.

"You ok?" Larry asked.

I moved my head up and down like I understood what was going on around me when I was all the way in overwhelm.

I know I had panic in my eyes when I asked Brett, "Really?"

I just couldn't get past the 'ick' factor of all of this.

"Please?"

Oh God. Here we go.

I whispered the words because there was no way I could say them loudly enough for anyone else to hear.

"Some days, I wonder.

I wonder why you love me. I wonder if you love me. I wonder how I could be so lucky. I wonder what it all means.

Your soul is kind and good. Would that I could say it was innocent or naïve, but I'd be the naïve one to say that. You've seen much and experienced much; some good, some not.

At night when I hear you breathing, it gives me a sense of wholeness, of completion. I know that you, my rock, are still there and I don't have to face the world alone any more.

My fears are simple and straight forward. I fear you'll express your boredom with me in horrible ways. I fear you will leave me for another. I fear your untimely death.

I know my fears aren't real, that you don't deserve my hesitancy, but they are always in the backdrop.

I look forward to your jokes, your stories, your perspective, your touch.

I wonder, while you sleep, if you wonder about me. After I'm done wondering, I touch your hair or your arm and realize that you are incredibly wonderful to me.

Thank you, for being the wonder of my life. I love you always. "

Brett beamed. Of course he did. So did the minister, whatever her name was.

"Do you want me to read them louder so the guys can all hear?" Brett asked.

"No. Absolutely not. Not on your life, buddy."

"Fine, now it is my turn."

How am I going to live with myself now that I have read this total schlock on film? I think it's past time for a candy bar. I think I want to bury my face in a vat of fudge, full sugar with walnuts on top.

Brett looked at Darryl and said, "Whenever you're ready."

That's when the music started. It was a show tune. I hope it's at least going to be up tempo. Maybe something from Guys and Dolls? That was a manly musical, wasn't it?

It wasn't.

Brett took a mike and looked at me and then our audience and said, "Do you remember the Barbara Streisand movie 'On a Clear Day You Can See Forever'. I love the title song so much. I am not, nor have I ever been an eloquent man, but this song sums up how I see you. And despite the glasses, the beginnings of a paunch and a slightly graying temple, I know that it is how I will see you for the next fifty years.

Could anyone among us
Have an inkling on a clue?
What magic feats, or wizardry
And voodoo you can do?
And who would ever guess
What powers you possess?

On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you'll see who you are.
On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines ev'ry star.

You'll feel part of ev'ry mountain sea and shore.
You can hear, from far and near,
A world you've never heard before.
And on a clear day...
On that clear day...
You can see forever and ever more!

I hope that fifty years is enough to convince you just how much I love you."

The minister went on about something or other. I couldn't get the sound of Barbara Streisand out of my head or the fact that Brett has a nice timbre in his voice when he sings.

"… by the powers vested in me by … "

Is there time for me to pass out? What about hyperventilate?

"I now pronounce you partners for life. You may kiss," she concluded.

Brett looked a little too happy as he came in to kiss me.

"Slip me any tongue and you are a dead man before the ink dries on the license," I said with not a little threat in my voice.

"Spoil sport."

He gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"Brett, we need to talk after this is over," I said.

~x~x~

After we did the official vows, H I J K L M N O P T U … CC DD EE FF GG, I still can't get my head around it, we had to do the official signing of the paperwork that would be filed to make all of this official.

I signed my full name: Harold Engelbert Day

Brett signed his full name: Brett Gary Davis

Larry and Darryl both signed and then the reverend signed: Georgina LaFayette.

Georgina? That's when I realized who she was, this was Gina from speed dating so many months ago. How exactly was she tied into all of this?

"You never told me," Brett said looking at my signature. "Engelbert?"

I glared. I'm getting almost as good with my glares as with my sighing. "I didn't pick it out. My mom liked him a lot … she also liked Tom Jones but thought that was too common." I didn't want to tell Brett that my sister, Noel, was born in December. My sister, Valerie, was born in February. And my sister, Freedom, was born in July. My folks have a twisted sense of humor.

There wasn't a lot of time to talk about the niceties because there was cake. It was a single tier, but three layers with lemon and raspberry filling. I planned to eat about half of it myself, unfortunately, Larry kept making small pieces for everyone … so the singles could put it in their freezer to eat a year later when they find their own true loves. I was in love with the baker, not the man who was at the table next to me. Did anyone else realize this? Probably not because Brett kept trying to play with my hair and putting his arm over my shoulder.

"Remember what I said yesterday," I hissed. "I know you can think that far back."

"No, pumpkin? What did you say yesterday?"

"No public displays of anything, ever," I said. "I'm not that guy. And don't call me pumpkin."

Did I really just say that? Probably my evil twin has taken control of my mouth; about D time. I'd never say anything like that. Nope. I mean, I'm not a groper in public, but I've kissed my fair share of girls in clubs and on the street. I have no intention of letting things get any further with Brett than they are. It's bad enough sleeping with him when he drools.

Brett looked a little hurt, but went to talk to Mark at another table. I needed a little room to breathe. I wasn't allowed any room though. Not today, anyway. Probably not ever again.

"Man, you really did it," Lester said as he started to pack up his equipment. "I didn't think you'd have the balls."

Thanks Lester.

I scowled.

"You know what I mean. What do you want me to tell the guys at the office now that it's over?" he asked.

"There's nothing to tell the guys. No one but you is from the office so no one knows."

"Dude, you live a very sheltered life. Brett sent out a link so the guys could all watch it live. I got a bunch of phone calls this morning wishing you the best."

Fuck. No, I'm not using a letter. This was too emotional and too much to be a mere letter. This deserved the whole and entire word.

"Besides," Lester went on. Couldn't he just shut up right about now? "George was your minister."

George? All these months I've wanted to meet George and had no idea who he was and it turns out George is Georgina?

"Where is George? I've got to make sure that she didn't take the paperwork with her," I said.

"There's a little problem with that. George has already gone. She left when the cake was being cut. She's got a distraction tonight." Of course she does. "And she took it with her."

Great. She's detail oriented.

"Maybe she won't file it."

"It's her first gig as a reverend of the Universal Church of Light. She only got ordained for you two, she wanted to make sure she covered all of her bases. She did it last night on line, she sent me a text with her information around 3:30."

"You didn't?" I asked Lester. "You didn't give her directions to the court house did you?"

"Well, no. I didn't need to. Dude, she's native. She knows her way around here."

F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F

G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G G

H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J

K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K K

I went back to the head table and sat next to Brett.

"She took the paperwork with her," I said quietly.

"Yeah, I know. I handed it to her," he said with a smile.

"Brett, this was just a paper thing. You remember that right?"

"I got caught up in the heat of the moment. Sorry."

~x~x~

There was no way I was leaving the table early. It wasn't like I wanted to talk to everyone. It was more a matter of not wanting to go into the room and yell, sorry Talk, to Brett. It was more a matter of not wanting to deal with the realities.

"Sorry that Lester already left," Kevin said. "He didn't even stay for the first dance."

I didn't want to stay for the first dance either, but didn't have much of a choice.

When things finally came to a close, Larry and Darryl came up to us and handed us an envelope.

"Boys, we are so happy for you that we got you something special," Larry said.

Didn't you do enough?

"You didn't have to," I said. "We have imposed enough on you two."

"But we want to," Darryl said. "We love young love."

Sure they do. Doesn't everyone?

"Can I open it?" Brett asked.

I nodded, sure. Whatever floats your boat. We aren't keeping it, whatever it is.

"No way. You didn't?" he all but squealed at Larry and Darryl.

They smiled like indulgent parents.

"How did you know it's what I wanted?" Brett went on.

"I give. What is it?" I asked. I asked out of good form, not out of curiosity.

"Three nights in P-town. A friend of ours has a little B&B. We thought you might have a good time," Larry said.

P-town? Provincetown? Gay-ville? Oh God. Not that. Anywhere but that.

"I really don't know what to say," I said. I really didn't know what to say. I didn't even know if I could look myself in the mirror anymore.

"You boys are special to us, when Brett said you didn't plan a honeymoon, we called Charlie. Charlie is dying to meet you."