Note: This was written by my friends for my birthday. Evidently they have been visited by the Merry Men who all wanted a say in what happened, didn't happen in their own stories.
The authors you will likely recognize by voice, but by no other method as they refused to tell me who did what. The authors include (and may not be limited to): Adalind, Bluzkat, Deb WSF, Harmne, Katbaby, Kate Manoso, Magdalync, Redlamps, Robin, Spudmom, Steph, Tiina, Vicki. They have each played plot bunny on at least one occassion in the creation of this little story of mine/ours and all play with me on a very small board we call the Jell-O Pit.
So you understand the inside jokes, some helpful defintions
Tart: one who prefers to write/read MM stories.
Santa: husband
Blondie: golden retriever mix
This was the best present I have had in years, and I couldn't not share it. Each of them have given me permission to publish it here. I will forward all reviews/comments to them.
As always, thanks for reading. Alf.
Alf's Ultimate Birthday
Happy Birthday, Alf!
From all us 'ladies' at Rangeman! For the past month this story has been making the rounds of the membership behind your back, growing as it was passed along. Multiple writers – nearly everyone, in fact – participated in the creation of this story but we're not naming any names…this way you don't know for sure who to blame!
~*~*~
The evening was balmy and warm as it slipped into night, spring just around the corner. Everything was silent except for the mournful howl of a coyote in the distance.
"Would you shut up?" a voice hissed.
"I don't know any bird calls. And we're in Arizona, aren't we?" another voice whispered.
"But we're in the middle of the fricking city, you idiot."
"Sorry."
A duck's call rasped instead.
"Ranger," the first voice said. "I want to shoot him. Can I shoot him?"
"No. Now shut up. We're here."
Several shadowy shapes slipped around the corner of the building and paused in deeper shadows. The parking lot in front of them was nearly empty and sparsely lighted, which suited their purposes just fine.
"Everyone remember the plan?" Ranger's voice asked softly.
"Yeah, boss," came a reply. "But tell me again, how do we know she won't be missed?"
"Santa's out of town for a couple of days," Ranger explained patiently. "The other ladies know about her seminars and they won't be expecting her. We have nearly 48 hours clear."
"Who the heck came up with 'Santa' as a code name?"
"That's what SHE calls him."
"Get her laptop, okay, boss? I would, but if I dropped it she'll turn me into a butterfingers in her next story," Hal muttered.
"I'll get it," Ranger assured him, sounding amused. "Then I'll drop her car off at her house and meet you there."
"NO!" Lester sounded a little panicked. "You have to come with us. You're our authority figure. She won't do anything to you – but she might turn on us!"
"I thought she was a Tart!"
"Well, she is," Santos admitted, "But she begged Nic to write you in a scene… um, you know... ah, solo." He trailed off uncertainly.
"Oh, did she?"
The door of the building opened, and a lone woman came out carrying a laptop case and her purse. She scanned the lot before she moved away from the door and she had her keys ready in her hand. Ranger smiled. They liked a challenge.
They moved out fast and silent, and in short order Lisa was bound and gagged and wrapped in a dark green Army blanket, and stashed in the padded back of a black Bronco. Ranger handed her keychain to Brett. "Don't dawdle or you might miss your turn."
Hal took his position behind the wheel and laid rubber leaving the parking lot. Lester braced his hand on the dash and hissed, "This is supposed to be stealth, asswipe!"
Shrugging his shoulders, Hal said, "Just wanted to show Lisa I can be manly." He stabbed his finger at the stereo 'on' button, and the opening strains of 'Somewhere in Time' filled the Bronco. Just as quickly, he jabbed the button to shut the stereo back off. After clearing his throat, he said, "Brett used the car last."
From his position in the back, Ranger peered over the back of his seat and said to Lisa, "Comfy?"
"Mmmmfff!"
Ranger chuckled. "Do you have something to say?"
"Mfwth dho eeerdotowoo!"
"I'm sorry. I can't understand you."
"Mmmmfff!!!"
Ranger didn't feel any pity, but he was curious about what she had to say. Reaching back, he unwound the topmost portion of the wool blanket and removed the gag. "You were saying?"
Lisa narrowed her eyes at Ranger's face and said, "What did I ever do to you?!"
Ranger set his usually blank face into an expression of mock consideration. "Let's see. You as good as ripped my heart out of my chest in Nothing But Time On My Hands."
"I gave you an ending!"
"Don't think I don't know about the others. I don't like sharing, Lisa. You know that."
Lester cut in. "Hey, hey, hey! This isn't about you. I can see how you might think that, Mr. King of Janet Evanovich fan fiction. But it's not. This is about us. This is about Ultimate Debate."
"Am I not in that one?"
Lester snorted. "You're 'in the wind'."
"Again?!"
"Look. All due respect, but you've got nothing to bitch about. You get laid more than any other character in all of JE fan fiction, you get to do Steph in countless perverted ways, and your dick is the stuff of legends."
Ranger huffed out a sigh and looked back over the seat at their captive. He leaned down until his mouth was brushing the shell of her ear. He whispered, "This may be their show, but you and I have one small issue to discuss…later." He licked the edge of her ear lightly. He was pleased to see a shudder of pleasure course through her body, obvious even through the thick blanket. He murmured, "Not so immune to me after all…"
Thirty minutes later, the Bronco came to a stop next to a one story Spanish style stucco structure. Lester and Hal climbed out of the Bronco and walked over to the side of the house where a group of men were standing. Ranger went to the back, lifted the hatch and caught Lisa as she nearly rolled out onto the driveway. She let out an 'umph' as he slung her over his shoulder.
He walked over to the group of men and saw a few familiar faces. There seemed to be a bit of a disagreement.
Lester said, "I'm not saying you have to leave. I'm just saying we have some business to conduct tonight, and it doesn't concern you."
"The hell it doesn't," Xander shot back. "If I had any idea we were allowed to abduct and torture our authors, I'd have booked my intervention months ago!"
"Get in line," Hal bit out. "This is our show tonight. Go boink Cat or Nicole. Or Cat and Nicole. We have some justice to serve."
Xander's shoulders slumped. "Fine." He turned to the dozen or so men behind him and said, "Someone grab all the liquor out of the back of Cat's Range Rover. Meet us in the house. I think we might be able to talk the girls into playing strip Jenga!"
The men fell over each other in a mad dash to get into the house first.
~*~*~*~
Lisa fought her way out of the musty blanket—her hands seemed to be restrained somehow but her legs were working and she kicked free. And looked around. She was in her backyard on one of the lounge chairs by the pool. She blinked her eyes. The pool seemed---pink.
"Yeah. You turned it into a Jell-O pit, Alf---or should I call you Lisa? Did you really think an alias would protect you?"
Lisa turned her head and did another double take. Seated on the other lounge was a very hot young guy in black SWAT fatigues.
She asked, "Who are you?"
"Don't you know me? I'm Hal."
She gaped at the hottie. Sure he had a cute face but where was the chunky doofus she loved to torment?
"That's right, Lisa. I am Hal."
"But…."
"Yeah, you had your laughs with me! Gave me a muffin top---snickered over my weight issues….You just had to tell the whole world that I was a few pounds over my fighting weight!"
She gulped. "I don't see any weight issues."
"You nearly wrecked my career at Rangeman. You think Ranger will employ a guy who has---love handles? I don't think so!"
No sense in apologizing. She asked, "Why are you here?"
"Payback time, bitch."
"Oh no. No no no no no."
"Oh yeah. And first off, for your enjoyment, I have a speed dating session planned for you."
"Um, Santa won't like that!"
"Santa will never know. Oh and FYI, Santa's not real happy with you either! It was okay when the girls thought that was his real name, like he was some hot Latino guy---but no, you had to tell the world he looked like Santa Claus! That don't do much for a guy's ego, babe."
Lisa cringed, and tried big tear-filled eyes and pouty lips! But the angry young stud who seemed to be her beloved Hal ignored her and yelled, "Hey! Manny, send in the first NNNM!"
So that's where they went, she mused as Juan paraded out in a Chippendale's costume, sans stupid bowtie. Sans stupid tuxedo pants, sans---everything!
Hal sat there laughing as she worked at her wrist restraints. The men of her dreams paraded by her---each hotter than the next, each stopping long enough to whisper sweet Amadas or Cheries or Alfie, baby's in her ear. Lisa writhed but couldn't touch and Hal laughed as she got hotter and bothered-er. More bothered, whatever.
When the guy in the white chaps slowly slithered close, then turned—oh that ass!--- Lisa started screaming….
And she suddenly woke up. Oh thank God, I'm in my own house in my familiar bedroom, she thought. Warm and safe, with dear Santa snuggled by her side. She stretched, thinking, Whoa, that was some dream…and then she realized the bed was---round. It was the Austin Powers bed from the B & B in Boston and the warm body close at her side was……
"Gabriel," she sighed. Lisa quickly ran through her ideas, outlines, and thoughts about Gabriel and gave him a smile. She hadn't tortured him, and he hadn't even been mentioned in her story Ultimate Debate.
"You're not part of this, are you."
His smile made her heart race. "Lisa, I'm just here because there was a bit of a," his smile turned a tad evil, "skirmish, shall we say, over who was going to 'visit' you first." Reaching out he traced her bottom lip with his thumb. "They didn't even notice when I slipped in the door."
She pulled back and licked her lip as she sat up against the headboard. "Can you sneak me out?"
He chuckled and rolled off the bed. As he looked down at her, he slowly shook his head. "Not going to happen, sweetheart." Taking a couple steps, he sat down in a chair, immediately slumping back and lacing his fingers over his defined abdomen. "Can't help, for more than one reason."
"Why?" Lisa whispered. She wondered if anyone had opened her laptop, read her unfinished stories, her throw away stories, her… secrets. She cleared her throat. "What did I ever to do to you that you won't help me?"
His jaw tightened in an anger that would have made an Italian proud. She watched as he struggled to push it back.
"That's the problem, Lisa. You introduced me to the ladies, got my hopes up. Even had one particular lady pretty damn excited about the story you'd write for me. Then, --" he blew out a breath and sat forward his hands dropping between his knees.
She pushed back into the headboard, wary of the look in his eyes.
"Some people call it being a tease, sweetheart, a game of push/pull. That's a game you're quite good at. I believe a word you're familiar with could easily be used here." He narrowed his eyes. "What is it you call yourself?" He snorted. "Oh, yes, a tart." He stood up and took a menacing step toward the bed. "I think you need a bit of push/pull yourself." He slipped a hand in his pocket and then paused. Turning his head toward the door, he listened for a second. He shook his head and turned back toward her. He leaned down, traced her jaw with his finger. Her breathing deepened, and she barely caught his whispered threat.
"Looks like they figured out who was going coming in first." Leaning down he added, "I'll be back if I can." He paused. "Or if there's anything left of you when they're finished."
Lisa closed her eyes, heard a door close. She opened her eyes hoping. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw…
"Manny?" Hope rose as she considered his story. Surely he wouldn't be upset at her treatment of him. He was the hottest MM she'd ever written, and she hadn't even finished it yet!
He was silent, studying her. The intensity of his stare made hope fade.
She cleared her throat and tried again. "Look, I can see why Hal's upset, even though it was all in fun. But why are you here? I haven't done anything like that to you!"
He stalked toward her, never breaking eye contact.
"Lisa." He stopped, inches from her, and fisted a hand in her hair, tilting her head to look up at him.
"I am not a man to be trifled with. More than anyone else, you know that. You know me."
He leaned slowly toward her, until she could feel the rasp of his stubble against her neck. He scraped her with his cheek until his mouth rested against her ear. "You know me."
At her tiny nod, he ravaged her lips with his own. As his left fist tugged harder on her hair, his right encircled her throat, tightening until she wasn't sure if the light-headedness she was feeling was from his kiss or from lack of oxygen.
As she started to tremble, he abruptly let her go and stepped back, taking in her ragged breathing. Fear? Desire? It didn't matter. Not for his purpose tonight.
He waited until she had herself in some semblance of control before continuing. "Ask yourself, Lisa. Am I a man who enjoys having his secrets exposed?"
She shook her head. "N..no," she whispered, her eyes wide.
His slow, feral smile made her heart beat a little faster. "Perhaps you are trainable after all. I can work with that."
He shot a brief glare toward the door. "Later, though. I've been instructed not to break you before the others have had their say."
Leaning in to her again, he whispered, "I can be patient when the situation calls for it. I think you'll find that anticipation can heighten… all kinds of sensations..."
Taking in her shiver, he kissed her again, gently, before he walked away.
Never looking back, he paused as he reached the door. "Soon," he promised.
Lisa closed her eyes, taking a moment to catch her breath. She braced herself for whatever came next as she heard the door open...
Lisa wanted to peek; she needed to know who was next. Whoever it was, they barely made a sound. There definitely was a presence, very close to her. As she felt the bed dip down, she opened her eyes to find Lester Santos smirking down at her.
"Well hell-o Beautiful." He held her hand in his as he settled next to her on the bed.
"Lester!" Lisa could hear the relief in her voice. She smiled. Lester would help her, she'd been more than good to him this summer. He even got to bed Stephanie while she was off sugar. Even Morelli couldn't handle her action when she was in that state!
"I hope the guys haven't been too rough with you," he said as he began rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand.
She let her head fall back onto a pillow and tried to relax. Lester leaned over and began stroking her hair. A soft sigh escaped her lips as some of the tension left her body.
"There, there. It's gonna be okay. Ranger's been trying to talk some of them down. Here, I brought you some water."
Lisa sat up and gratefully took the water bottle from him. She smiled and he rewarded her with his most sexy grin.
"Thank you."
He nodded. The bottle felt cool in her hand. She placed it against her forehead. Lester turned his attention to the round bed. The round bed-- the one from The Ultimate Debate.
Lisa cringed. It was all in fun, she thought. Surely, Lester had been approached by other men before. Plus, he was the Rangeman resident jokester, he had a great sense of humor.
"Lisa, I have to say I'm disappointed in you. I thought we had an understanding, a partnership."
Lester rolled to his side and propped his head up on one arm. His lips were pursed into a pout as he stared at her with his beautiful green eyes. His biceps were straining against his black shirt.
"Les, it was just for fun. No harm was done."
"No harm?" He slowly shook his head. "I see now. You don't realize we have feelings too. You see us as just entertainment. And I can appreciate the initial joke, but did I really have to have an emotional breakdown at Rangeman? Don't you know me at all, or am I just another pretty face? Would it have killed you to write me a threesome with some hot babes?"
Lester looked so vulnerable; Lisa didn't know what to say to him. Her throat was dry. She tried to open the water but the cap was too tight. Lester reached over and opened it for her.
"I'm…I'm sorry Lester, you're right. You're more than just characters in a story." She took three large gulps from the bottle. She would make it up to him. Maybe Les could convince the others, to let her go now.
Lester stood up and smiled warmly at her. "Thanks Beautiful. I'm glad we understand each other." He glanced at his watch. "Hopefully we've used up enough time by now."
"Time? Time for what?"
"Oh, time for Ranger to read." Lester's tone had changed, and a mischievous grin stretched across his face.
"But, you said…I thought he was talking them down."
"Oh, he was considering it. Until…"
Lisa's heart began to race. "Until what?"
"I gave him a copy of After Samhain." Lester began walking backwards towards the door. His grin was even wider and his eyes were twinkling.
Lisa gasped. "But…"
"You may have given Ranger an ending, but Ram got a sequel."
"I thought…but you said…"
"Why Lisa," Lester chuckled. "I thought you'd appreciate some misdirection!"
Lisa collapsed onto the bed. She could hear Lester's laughter fade as he disappeared behind the door.
Lisa sat up gingerly and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Rubbing her eyes she wondered how much more she could take. Slowly standing up, she made her way over to the bathroom. After shutting the door, she leaned up against it, closed her eyes and took a couple deep breaths.
Her thoughts were all jumbled, her nerves were shot, and her body... she sighed. Rubbing her face, she made her way over to the sink and turned on the water. Splashing some water on her face, she bit back a smile. She wasn't sure what her feelings should be right now, and for the moment she wasn't going to analyze it. Probably she'd wake up, find herself snuggled up against Blondie and have a drool puddle under her cheek.
As she turned back to the door, her hand flew to her mouth. She hadn't noticed the man standing by the window at first. It was too dark for her to determine who he was. She took a deep breath taking in his scent. It was - Male. That was the best way to describe it. Inching towards the door, hoping to get it open and maybe catch some light from the other room she stopped when she heard a voice.
"Lisa."
She swallowed. "Who, who are you?"
She could barely make out his shape but could tell he'd reached out a hand toward her.
"A friend." He took a step toward her and reached down to grab her hand. It was fisted, and he gently opened her fingers and placed something in it. Closing her hand around the object, he leaned in and placed his lips next to her ear. "Remember that when push comes to shove, they love you. Every one of them."
She fought the instinct to lean into him. There was something about him. Something that spoke of safety, security, and all of him was definitely sexy. She felt her brow wrinkle. "Are you staying?"
She felt him shake his head as he took a step back. "Just wanted to say thanks."
She looked down at what was in her hand, trying to determine in the dark what he'd given her. When she looked up to ask him, she watched as he disappeared through the open window. Carefully walking over to the window, she leaned out and saw the dark figure climbing down the trellis, then dropping to the ground.
For a moment she forgot the object in her hand and wondered if this could be her escape route. And did she want to escape. But this was Ranger and the Merry Men. They'd just find her again and bring her back to finish this. With a sigh of resignation, she reached up and slid the window shut, locking it tight. Turning, she made her way to the bathroom door, all the while gently caressing the object her friendly visitor had left her.
How he knew about Woody's story was a mystery, especially the detail of the stones. For whatever reason, he'd given her a gift. She looked back at the window and whispered,
"Thanks, Joe."
~x~x~
Lisa woke with a start. She must have nodded off as she was left waiting and wondering who her next visitor would be. The fog of sleep lifted as the gravity of her circumstance flooded back to her. How long had she been asleep, and more importantly, how was she going to get out of here? Had anyone even noticed she was missing yet? The thought struck her that even if the police were notified, they would wait the usual twenty-four hours before they started looking for her. By then, she could be locked away in a cabin in the jungles of a third world country. How the hell did this happen?
She felt around the bed. Her relief that she was alone in bed was quickly replaced with the horror that her jeans and tee shirt had been replaced by something silky and um…very ahem, skimpy on fabric. She lifted the covers to assess the damage. Yup, someone had removed her clothes and changed her into a silk teddy. Sudden panic struck her. She felt down her leg. Thank God!! She breathed a sigh of relief. Yesss, her legs were still stubble-free. Playing sex slave for a group of hot mercs was one thing. Unshaven legs would have been completely unforgivable, not to mention totally humiliating. This thought was followed quickly by a silent prayer of thanks that she hadn't opted this morning for the granny underwear that she usually wore when she was writing or working around the house. Hey, don't judge, they're comfortable. You try sitting at the computer for hours at a time with the string from a thong up your butt.
Her eyes scanned the room, peering into its corners. The sporadic flares of muted light from passing cars filtered through the semi-closed curtains. She was definitely not alone. In the far corner she spied the outline of someone sitting in a chair. She drew the blanket up over her chest.
"H-h-hello?"
Nothing.
Gathering her courage, Lisa tried again, managing to keep the nervousness she felt out of her voice "Hello, who's there?"
Nothing.
"Answer me, damn it."
Still nothing.
"Look, I know you're there, I can you see sitting in that chair in the corner."
She strained to hear over the sound of blood pounding in her ears. Her name was spoken in a long, drawn out whisper, "Liissssaa."
With bravado she didn't feel, she challenged the mystery man. "This isn't funny. Show yourself. Are you a Merry Man or a mouse?" Yes, years later some would argue that Lisa was very, very courageous. Others would recall her as being very, very foolish to taunt one of her unknown assailants with such blatant disregard for her own personal well-being.
"Lisa, Lisa, Lisa." There was a rustle of fabric as the slight figure leaned forward but still kept his face bathed in shadow. "What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?"
"Okay, fine, I admit it, you're scaring the hell out of me here. W-who…who are you and what do you want w-w-with me?" She wracked her brain trying to figure out which Merry Man sounded like Don Corleone from the Godfather.
"You have done me a great disservice, Lisa." She grudgingly admitted to herself that, yes, indeed, though over the top, it was still a passable imitation of the Godfather himself. She mentally shook her head. What a Drama Queen. Then, recognition hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Hector? Is that you? It sounds like you have cotton in your mouth."
Lisa watched in bewilderment as he leaned closer. She still couldn't make out his features, but she was confident it was him. She suppressed a snicker as she watched Hector withdraw wads of cotton from his mouth, spitting out the threads that stuck to his tongue.
"You know, Ms. Evanovich thought it would be good for a laugh to make me the token gay man in her books. There was no serious character development, just passing comments on my sexuality for comic relief. Ha, ha. Very funny. But I took care of her, Lisa. And I ask you…now who's laughing?" Lisa was no fool. She knew what 'took care of' meant to someone who had two teardrops tattooed on his face.
A chill ran down Lisa's spine as fear swept over her, but her insatiable curiosity for all the gory details overrode her common sense to keep her bloody mouth shut. "W-w-what did you do to her?"
"I am not by nature a superstitious man, but let's just say that her granddaughter's pony befell an unfortunate accident."
Lisa drew in a gasped breath. No, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening.
"Oh yes, I think Ms. Evanovich got the message loud and clear when she awoke the next morning to find Peachy's blue eyes staring back at her."
"Peachy?"
"Sí, Pea-chy."
"Nope, still not getting it."
"Lisa, what kind of little girl were you? Everyone knows Peeea-chy."
Lisa stared back at Hector with a blank expression.
Hector sighed. Shaking his head he said, "Peachy? My Pretty Pony, Pink Version Two, manufactured by Hasbro. Identical to Pink Version One, except that, in addition to the white blaze on her nose, she had white foreleg accents. Oh, and she had the cutest little cowboy hat."
"A collector's item," he added wistfully.
Lisa stifled a giggle. Lisa did not giggle. She was not a giggler. She would not giggle. She cleared her throat and asked, "So, this Peachy. She was sitting on the pillow next to Janet?"
"Well, not all of Peachy was there, if you get my meaning. Let's just say that Ms. Evanovich quickly learned that I am not someone to trifle with, hmmm?"
Lisa covered her desire to snort. It was hard to feign horror when a grown man just recited the marketing details of a child's toy…a little girl's toy. She wondered how many of the toys he currently owned.
"Ah, but, Chiquita, you disappointed me. I had such high hopes when you burst on the fan fiction scene last year. You were a new face to the Plumverse. A welcome breath of fresh air, so to speak. Before you, it was Ranger this…Morelli that…Babe, Cupcake…blah, blah, blah. The rest of us Merry Men were destined to forever play the role of sidekicks to those alpha dorks. Yes, there was the rare Merry Man fan fiction that surfaced, but those stories were never talked about in polite Yahoo forum chats and the stories were relegated to the dark annals of the Plum fandom known as…the Restricted Section. Yes, I continued to be cast as the token gay Merry Man in mainstream fan fiction but at least I had that. Then you came along and screwed everything up with Stephanie's Gamble."
Hector paused to light a cigarette, extinguishing the match with a slow fanning motion. He took a long drag off the cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly as he rose from the chair and leaned against the wall watching her.
Lisa huffed. He was trying to crank up the angst. Ha! She could wait him out. She waited out Ram in After Samhain, she could wait out this little drama queen. She was a patient woman, not prone to impulsive behavior. Nope, she wouldn't ask.
Oh crap…
"Okay, you lost me at 'dark annals', Hector."
"You took from me, Chiquita, and this is something that is unforgivable."
"What the hell? Hey, Mister, I made you famous. With Stephanie's Gamble I had women drooling over you, demanding more. Diehard Babes were suddenly begging for a Hector ending -- which you got by the way!"
"Hmmm, yes, a conundrum. You gave me fame. You gave me machismo. I was just growing into the role you cast me, when nothing! I was relegated to the shadows again. I became one of the faceless Merry Man minions. You, Lisa, showed everyone just how disposable I was as you worked your way through every Rangeman in Trenton. You used me, and then tossed me aside. At least with Evanovich people knew who I was. I was a contender. I was 'Hector, the gay Merry Man'."
Hector plowed on. "You stole this one thing from me with your story, leaving me open to a sexual crisis of epic proportions. Hell, even I started questioning my own sexuality."
"What can I do to make this up to you?"
"I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse, Lisa. In return for my assistance out of this most unfortunate…ahem…situation, you will write something that has been sorely missing from this fandom…"
"Ummm, westerns?"
"Slash, Lisa, slash! I want a story with Ranger as my love interest. Oh – and this is non-negotiable – send Stephanie in 'the wind' for a change."
"B-b-but everyone knows that Ranger's not gay. It'll never fly, Hector." Images of the angry mob scene from Frankenstein played her head. There would be lynch mobs of Babes, surrounding her house and flooding her email with scathing reviews. This would be akin to flushing her own reputation as a writer. Sure, she had the cajones to write outside of the Babe Box, but Lisa was no fool.
Hector chuckled. "Lisa, Lisa, Lisa you are such an innocent. Free your mind. You've done it before. You can do it again."
Lisa raised an eyebrow at Hector. Oh cool, she did it just like Ranger! Before she could savor the sweetness of the victory, Hector cut off her thoughts.
"Ranger is muy caliente– enough for the ladies and for gentlemen of discerning taste, in other words, me."
"So, you're saying that Ranger is bi?" Lisa shook her head. "I don't know…"
"Sí, bi-sexual. I'm thinking you could even have a ménage a trois in the story."
"No, I'm sorry, Hector, but I just can't put you and Ranger in a threesome with Stephanie. I don't think I could write her that way. What if Santa reads it? It would just give him ideas. No one wants to go there."
"Stephanie? Lisa, you have not been listening, have you? No ladies."
"No, ladies…what, then…OH! Ohhhhhh!"
Hector nodded. She was finally beginning to understand.
"Okay, Hector, but a threesome? Isn't that a bit greedy? I mean, you want Ranger AND another man?"
"You say 'greedy.' I say 'satisfying.' Potato, potahto."
Lisa realized that the clock was ticking. The other Merry Men could be back at any time. If she wanted to get out of there, she needed to close the deal and fast.
"Okay, Hector. So, if I write you with Ranger – and possibly another Merry Man – you help me escape?"
"Bottom line, Chiquita, I want serious slash. I see me, Ranger and one of the hot Merry Men – and he better be hot, I don't want to wake up beside Fernandez." Hector shuddered at the thought.
"Hector, you know I'll do my best, but you know I don't really write smut. Don't get your hopes raised too high."
"Please, Lisa, you wound me. You don't think I know what you've been up to?"
"Up to?"
Hector coughed. It sounded a lot like "Manny."
Lisa's eyes grew wide. How did he know about Manny?
"Oh, yes, I know many things, Chiquita. I know what you have sitting on your hard drive even as we speak. Does Santa know what you've been up to?"
Crap. Okay, he had her. Lisa had dipped a toe into the smut pond, and once having felt the cool water of erotica lap her toes, there was no going back.
"Fine! I'll write slash with you and Ranger. Now, get me the hell out of here."
"Multi-chapter. None of this one-shot nonsense or, heaven forbid, a drabble."
"Okay, Hector. You and Ranger. Multi-chapter. I'll even work in a threesome. Any preference?"
"Ah, sí, Lester."
Hector's smile fell as they heard a throat clear in the opposite corner of the room. Oops, he'd forgotten one tiny detail. This escape was a two man operation. He had brought along backup.
Lester stepped out of the shadows. "I don't think so."
Lisa pulled the blanket up around her neck. She didn't want to give Lester any ideas. "L-L-Lester, what a surprise. I thought you left."
Lester waggled his eyebrows.
"So, ummm, no threesomes, huh?" she squeaked out.
"Oh, I don't care if you write a threesome. Just not with me. You can use another one of the guys – say, Brett."
"I could use Brett." Lisa nodded furiously.
"Brett would work for me," Hector added. "He had all that practice up in Boston. Brett's good."
Lisa attempted to conclude negotiations. "So, we're agreed, then? If you could just toss me a shirt or something, we can get out of here."
"Not so fast, Beautiful," said Lester. He hitched a pant leg up and sat on the side of the bed.
"Huh?" Lisa and Hector responded in stereo.
"There's still the little matter of how you wounded me."
"Wounded? How were you wounded? I made you a Sex God. Prince Lester Bear. You had a mini-series, a book deal and seminars. I personally dragged Bluzkat from the bowels of fan fiction Lurkdom to honor you."
"Used, abused and discarded. You built the anticipation, the want and the desire. You gave the ladies a glimmer into what could be. Gave me the future I was born to live. Then – nada. You cast me aside for all the Lester wannabes."
"I hear you, man. I hear you." Hector commiserated, sitting on the other side of the bed.
The bed was king-sized, but it was feeling smaller and smaller to Lisa. And did someone turn up the heat in the room?
"Guys, come on, I'm a Tart. It's what I do. I took a pledge and everything."
"Yes, but we're mercs, Lisa, opportunists by nature. We're in the Revenge Business. That's what we do."
Lisa sighed. "Okay, Lester, what do you want? Who do you want me to write you with?"
"I'm happy being the Pope of Love. You can play with your lesser Merry Men. I will always be Lester Santos: The Man. The Myth. The Legend."
Lisa could see him capitalizing the words in his own mind.
"Okay then, we're good?" Lisa scooted down the other end of the bed, preparing to climb down and find some clothes. "So, we can leave?"
"Not so fast. I said I don't need another story. My genius will live on in other ways."
"Other ways?" This didn't sound promising. Lisa knew Lester better than any of the other Merry Men. He was after all, her first.
"I've developed a new line of products. I want you to be the spokeswoman."
"A new product line?"
"Yes. One that captures my genius and spreads the wisdom of The Great Santos out across the globe."
Lisa sighed; again with the capitals. "We're talking tee shirts, aren't we Lester?"
"Not just tee shirts, but shorts, boxers and thongs, too. Of course, I'll do the usual mugs and hats, as well. Have to have variety. Here, I have a sample with me."
Lisa took the scrap of cloth that Lester pulled from his pocket. It read, 'You have a crush on me' in pink thread.
"And I would…?"
"Model the merchandise."
"Model a thong? Umm, I don't think so."
"All right with me. You want to stay here and take your chances with the boys, it's up to you. "
"Okay, fine! I'll model your damn thongs. Just get me out of here."
Lester reached in his other pocket, and pulled Lisa toward him. He tore the blanket from her hands.
"Eeek!" she screamed, trying to squirm away from him.
"Shhh!" said Hector as he headed for the window.
"Stand still," Lester said as he pulled a tee shirt over her head. She looked down and read 'Lester is a Sex God.' Lovely.
"Let's go. I think someone heard you."
Hector had the window open and was scanning the area. "Okay, coast is clear. I'll go first. You help her out."
Hector stepped out onto the ladder they had propped up against the side of the house, and made his way down.
Lisa stepped out onto the first rung and froze. They heard voices coming toward the room.
"Go! Go! Go!" Lester said in a stage whisper. The voices were getting closer.
Lisa scrambled down the ladder. As she reached the bottom, two hands reached out to help her to the ground. She turned around smiling. "Than – ks…"
Her words cut off as she looked up into the face of Tank.
"Aw, come on, Tank. Not you, too? What did I ever do to you?"
"Oh, Little Girl, don't get me started."
Tank threw her over his shoulder and started back toward the house. Hector followed with his head down, shaking it from side to side. He had been this close to Ranger slash. This close! Sometimes life just wasn't fair.
She was carried around the pool and dropped gently into a padded chair. What seemed like an awful lot of men were gathered in the yard, sitting in a semi-circle in lawn chairs facing her…as if waiting for a show to begin. This didn't look good for her. This could be bad!
Ranger stepped forward from the group, bringing the chatter among the men to a halt. He stalked slowly across the pit toward Lisa and he watched as her eyes widened and her knuckles turned white on the arms of her lawn chair.
He stopped directly in front of her and stood, legs braced apart. His package was directly at Lisa's eye level and Ranger had to clear his throat to break her trance. In a low voice, he said, "I understand that you requested, or should I say begged Nicole to write a scene with me performing…solo."
Lisa squeaked out a sound and cast her eyes down, pausing a moment on his crotch before falling to the ground. Not a sound could be heard around the pit.
"Look at me, cara."
Lisa hesitantly raised her eyes and was stunned to see Ranger casually stroking his lengthening cock beneath his cargos. "I shouldn't do this for you…you've been a very naughty girl neglecting me as you have…but it is your birthday. Never let it be said that I can't give a woman everything she wants…sexually."
He slowly raised his hands to the buckle of his utility belt, and with a clatter, it fell to the packed earth beneath him. Suddenly, there was the sound in the distance of a sliding glass door being opened and a dozen women pushed and shoved their way through, then ran across the lawn. Robin and Nicole fought fiercely for the last remaining lawn chair, with hair pulling and nail gouging. Disgusted, Katbaby offered her chair to Robin and went to go stand by Graham.
Once the crowd settled, Ranger captured Lisa's eyes and gracefully peeled off his tight fitting black shirt. He raised his hands to his own chest and naughtily plucked and pinched at his flat copper nipples until they were hard and tight. He let out a sexy hiss. He left one hand to play with the hard nub while the other hand slowly glided down to his well defined eight-pack. A crash was heard, and Hal stood up and righted Melody where she had tipped over in her chair attempting to get a better angle for viewing.
Lisa never turned to see what the noise was about. Her eyes were focused on Ranger's huge erection pulsing in front of her, begging to be released. Her breath was uneven and her face and chest were flushed.
The hand that had been toying with his nipple dropped down to stroke his balls roughly through his pants. The index finger on his other hand trailed along the line of silky black hair that arrowed down from his navel and disappeared into the cargos.
He whispered, "Release my cock, Lisa."
With a shaky hand, Lisa grasped the tab of his zipper and began slowly lowering it. Ranger leaned forward and grasped her other hand and forced her to cup his hot, tight sac between his muscular thighs.
Ranger's considerable length sprung out and there was a collective gasp from the group could that could be heard for miles. Several women could be seen licking their lips while others were busily wiping tears from their eyes.
Lisa went to grab at his length, but Ranger stepped back and said, "No, Babe. You requested a solo performance. Just sit back. This might take a while."
He shoved his pants down to mid thigh.
Cat squealed, "Good Christ, check out the arse on him!"
Ranger looked down at his glistening cock and encircled it at the base. Then he wrapped his other hand above it. There were still several inches untouched.
He had just began his first upward stroke when Lester raced across the lawn yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up!"
Ranger froze and glared at Santos. Lester stepped up beside Ranger attempting to keep his eyes 'above board'. He leaned towards Ranger's ear and began whispering. As he whispered, Ranger's eyes went from sinfully black, to blank…and then enraged. Lester stepped away from Ranger, turned to Lisa, stuck out his tongue at her, and then went to return to his post next to Hal.
In a no-nonsense manner, Ranger tucked his considerable erection back into his cargos and carefully closed his zipper.
Lisa whispered, "What…why?"
Ranger impaled her with a hard look. "I know about your Manny story."
"Um…er…"
"You think that after hearing about what you're planning to do with me in his story, I should reward you with this?" He emphasized the word 'this' by grabbing his cock through his pants.
"But-"
Ranger hissed out, "No buts, Lisa." He turned to the other ladies of the group and said, "I need help with a big problem, ladies. Any takers?"
The women sprung up en masse and collectively pushed Ranger into the house to take care of his problem. Repeatedly.
There was a moment of absolute silence.
Then a low, rich laugh rolled out, raising goose-bumps on Lisa's skin.
"Su pérdida es nuestro aumento, amigos," Manny said. "His loss is our gain. What do you think, boys? Pool or bed first?"
"I vote for the bed!" called Juan and Ram simultaneously.
"Yeah, otherwise the Jell-o gets the sheets all sticky," Hal explained.
Manny nodded. "Fine with me." He stepped in front of Lisa and before she realized his intention, he stripped the shirt off her and dropped it into the pool. "You won't be needing that. Okay, boys, I've got her – go get your toys. And don't forget to take a number! Room three."
Once more Lisa found herself draped over a broad shoulder. She watched Manny's butt as she was carried in through a door and down a hall. They passed a closed door where much squealing could be heard. Just as she reached down to grab a cheek she found herself sailing through the air to land with a bounce on a huge, firm bed.
She glanced around quickly. When had this room been added? She hadn't been in here before. The room was large, the walls a deep crimson. The bed was king-size and then some. There were sturdy posts at each of the four corners of the bed but no headboard or footboard – and no covers except for the soft fur beneath her.
The bed was in the center of the room, she realized, and a NNNM was stepping up to each corner. Wait, who was the short built man with shoulder-length blonde curls? And that really tall guy was only vaguely familiar.
A blindfold descended, cutting off her vision. She reached for it but found her hands caught and held. Feeling a hand on her ankle she tried to roll, and bumped up against warm hard skin.
"Don't worry, honey, we promise not to break anything," said a voice on her right. From her left side came another.
"Relájese y goce…"
~x~x~
Lisa gasped as her eyes flew open and she bolted up right in bed. Blondie lifted her head and blinked slowly at her. Her eyes roamed around the room and her ragged breathing eased as she realized that she was safely tucked in her bed. It had really all just been a dream. Or a nightmare. With a shaky hand, she reached over and grabbed the phone from the nightstand, dialing a number known by heart.
"Thank you for calling Homestead, Charlotte. This is Katie. How can I help you?"
"I don't think Brett and Hal can stay married and writing Manny was a bad idea."
"Slow down Lisa," Katie said with a laugh. "I love what you are doing with Hal and Brett. You can't stop there! And Manny is a mystery that has to be solved. I don't think that there is a single story out there about him."
Lisa smiled at the praise she was receiving, grateful that she was getting it in the first place. "Have you ever worried about revenge?"
"Look at Silvio. Most of the Merry Men are lucky if they can walk away from me."
Lisa knew that Katie had a good point and felt slightly better about the dream. After all, none of them had major mental issues after they assisted her with writing a story. Bruised egos aside… But still. They had it easy with her compared to other writers. At least she kept beer and condoms stocked at the house for when one of the Merry Men stayed over.
"You okay?" Katie asked after Lisa fell silent.
"Yeah," Lisa said with a small smile. "I just had a bad dream where Hal, Brett, and Ranger kidnapped me for revenge after what I've done to Hal and Brett. Then some of the other guys showed up and tried to strike a bargain for my freedom."
"If they ever came knocking on my door, Achilles would just beat the L M N O out of them."
Lisa laughed. "Thanks for bringing me back to my sanity."
"I didn't bring you back to your sanity. I just showed you the path. I prefer to stay insane, thank you very much. Go back to bed."
"Night, Katie."
"Night, Babe."
Lisa sighed as she disconnected the call and lay back down in her bed. Blondie cuddled back up her and licked her cheek before settling down. She chewed on her lip lightly as she went back over the dream again. A small smile tilted up her lips.
Happy Birthday, Alf!
So, the next time you think it is safe to write Merry Men stories or you think the Karma Fairy won't come visit you, be warned. If my friends could do this to me ... you get the idea.
Thanks to all who read and reviewed ... your reviews will be forwarded to the writers! Alf (who denies getting any older with her birthday, just better looking)