The Sweetest Gift

(Chapter Four: Complicated)

THREE DAYS LATER….

It had been so long since Olivia had heard from Elliot, but she had other things weighing on her mind. She sat alone once more beside the baby's bed and stared down at the little girl. Today would be the most vital day of her tiny fractured life. Today would be the first of many days that would decide if this baby would live or die.

Olivia checked her watch nervously. In less than an hour this baby would undergo the surgery to replace the bone flap in her scull. A process that would take hours and could possibly end the child's life.

Her tiny little body had already undergone more than five blood transfusions and it was likely she would need at least a few more before this was all over with. Some days it seemed as if everyone around her was ready to give up on the infant. Doctor's would preach to Olivia about the quality of life this baby could lead, insinuating that a brain damaged child was not worth caring for. But Olivia refused to give up. As long as there was still life in that tiny little body, Olivia intended to make sure she had the best treatment and the most love that she could possibly get. As long as she drew breath, Olivia was going to fight for her.

The issue of payment was still heavily weighing on her mind. Until Olivia could officially make the child hers, her insurance refused to pay for any treatment for the infant. Olivia was now working toward maxing out her third credit card and had no idea how she would come up with the money to pay the bills. But this was not an option. This baby needed help and Olivia was going to make sure she would receive it.

But laying claim to the baby wasn't exactly as easy as saying she wanted to keep her. She would have to face a judge and trial periods, proving she was fit to raise a child on her own. None of that really seemed to matter to Olivia at this moment. To claim the little girl, she would have to prove that Gladys Dalton abandon her daughter, but to do that she would first have to make sure she actually did. First step, first, this tiny baby girl still needed a name. No matter what happened from this point on, this child would need a name.

So many options. So many choices. So many decisions. And it was a wonder it all hadn't driven Olivia completely crazy by now. But something kept her going. One thing kept her moving forward and praying for the best. One person kept her hope alive. And that person was her tiny, helpless little daughter.

"I will have to take her to prep for surgery soon," a nurse said as she checked the baby girl's vitals once more. "You have visitors in the waiting room."

"Visitors?"

"Some people, they said they work with you."

"I'll go see them after you take her in. I really don't want to leave her, until I have to."

The nurse smiled.

"I'm gonna have to change her diaper and start a new IV. It will take about ten minutes. Why don't you go on an see your friends, I promise you she wont be left alone. Then I can give you a little time with her before we take her to pre-op."

"Alright," Olivia agreed.

She made her way down the hall to the waiting area and though she was sure Elliot wouldn't have been there, she couldn't help but be a little disappointed when he wasn't in the room.

"Hey Liv, how is she doing?" Fin asked hugging her.

"Actually, very well. She is getting stronger every day. Once she recovers from this surgery and starts putting some weight on, we can work on getting her well enough to bring her home."

"Well, we are all praying for her. I'm sorry we can't be here while she's in surgery," Cragen said as he sat down beside her. "But we will be thinking of you both every minute of the day.

"Thank you," Olivia replied.

"I'll stop by when I get out of court and bring you some lunch. I know you'll be anxious, but you've got to eat," Munch said.

"Thanks guys. I really appreciate everything."

"We'd better get going," Cragen reminded them all. "Give me a call if you need anything."

"I will," she said softly as she walked them to the elevator.

Olivia returned to the NICU to visit with her little girl until she went into surgery. A little while later the nurse returned to take the baby in to surgery.

"I have to take her now," she said looking down on Olivia.

"Okay," Olivia said in a weary voice.

But as Olivia turned to leave the room the woman stopped her.

"Ms. Benson," she said and Olivia turned to look at her.

She watched as the woman unlocked the little plastic door and reached inside to unhook one of the machines.

"Would you like to touch her?"

"More than anything," Olivia said softly.

"Wash up over there and use the hand sanitizer on the wall."

Moments later Olivia reached inside the little plastic room the baby lived in. She brushed her fingertip softly over the baby's cheek and smiled as she stirred, kicking a bit. Olivia traced her fingertip down the little girl's arm and felt a tear roll off her cheek as the baby girl closed her hand around it.

"So sweet," the nurse said. "Have you decided on a name, yet?"

"Her name is Tessa," Olivia said softly. "Tessa Bailee."

"That is beautiful," Elliot said from behind her.

Olivia turned around to smile at him.

"How is she doing?" he asked.

"She's good."

"I have to take her now," the nurse said closing the little door on the incubator.

"Alright, angel. I will be right here when you come out. I love you," Olivia said as they pushed the little bed down the hall toward the operating room.

Olivia watched until the doors closed, then turned nervously to face her partner.

"I have tried to call you….at least a dozen times over the last few days. I wasn't sure you were ever going to talk to me again."

"Cragen told me about her surgery. You didn't really think I would let you go through this alone, did you?"

"I didn't know what to think," she said softly as she folded her arms in front of her. "Elliot, I never meant to…."

"I know. Why don't you let me take you down to the cafeteria and buy you a cup of coffee. She will be in there for a few hours and it will give us some time to talk this through."

"Okay."

Olivia leaned against a window sill staring out into the bright fall morning. The leaves on the trees in the courtyard were beginning to turn and the beautiful shades of gold and red danced in the breeze.

"It's a beautiful day," Elliot said handing her a cup of coffee. "You wanna take a walk?"

"No," she said looking down at the pager the hospital had given her. "I am not sure on the range of this thing and I want to be here if they need to reach me."

"What is the plan here?"

"I have an appointment with children's services in the morning."

"What are you talking about? I meant with the doctors, after her surgery."

"She will stay in recovery for a while, then back to the NICU. If everything goes well then they will start working with her on things like nursing from a bottle. It could still be months before we really know anything. Or she could die in surgery. They can't say for sure."

"And your appointment?" Elliot asked looking into her eyes for only a moment before Olivia turned away. "Olivia don't do it."

"I love her so much, Elliot. More than I ever thought I could love someone. All I want is what is best for her. Even if it isn't me. I love her enough to give her up, if that means that she will have better than I can give her."

Elliot shook his head and tried to think of something to say in response.

"I would have just screwed her up, you said that yourself."

"I was wrong. I was wrong about everything I said. I was hurt and I was angry. And stubborn. And a fool to think that you would ever do or say anything to harm my kids."

"If I had though for a moment that she would have taken that as a green light to….I never would have told her that was alright."

"I know."

"That is the longest we have ever gone without talking to each other. I was honestly starting to wonder if I would hear from you again."

"I overreacted. I screamed at my scared teenager and she panicked and told me whatever shifted the blame from her. I wanted her to be innocent so badly that I stood by and watched while she threw you under the bus."

"So, what changed your mind?"

"My wife."

"I thought you guys were on the outs?"

"Not this week."

Olivia smiled.

"Kathy knew you wouldn't encourage this. It took her a few days, but she was finally able to talk some sense into me."

"All this time I thought Kathy saw me as the enemy. Never thought I would see the day when she stepped up to defend me."

"She has been a little jealous in the past. But good God, do you blame her? You are smart and beautiful, built like a goddess. You are sexy and single and she is an insecure housewife and a mother of five."

Olivia smiled resisting a laugh.

"You're my best friend. We are together day in and day out through the worst of situations. When I need a break, when I need to talk or get something off my chest, I turn to you. Not my wife. I spend more time with you than with my wife and kids. I have laid my life on the line for you, taken bullets for you and I would do it again in a heartbeat. That is a lot for a woman to accept. Not to mention we think alike and can finish each other's sentences. I could see how someone might think that there was something going on between us."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Can you forgive me for being a jerk?"

Olivia looked into his eyes for a moment, then smiled.

"I guess I can cut you a break this time."

"I love you, Liv. You are my family. You are an incredible woman with so much to offer. And I would be making a huge mistake if I let you give that baby up. She loves you. She needs you. And I think you need her, too."

"I want her. I want more than anything to keep her and make her mine forever. But I can't help her by being selfish. I don't know if I need her, or if I just want her because I can't have a baby of my own. If I do this, it has to be for the right reason."

"If you love her….if you want nothing more than to help and protect her forever, then you are doing it for the right reason. Olivia, no one else is even interested in her. Some of the doctors were even ready to give up on her. If it wasn't for you, that baby would have died days ago. But you love her and protect her and make sure that the best things are done for her, no matter what the cost. That is parenting. You are the only mommy she knows. And when she closes her little hand around your fingertip, that is her way of thanking you and telling you just how much she loves you too."

"Elliot, I don't know the first thing about being a parent."

"Yeah well, you have done pretty good so far. You've got good instincts." He turned his head and stared at her until their eyes met. "Keep the baby. I promise you there won't be a single day you will regret being her mother. But if you give her up, you will regret it every day for the rest of your life."

"You're right," Olivia said nodding in agreement. "Looks like I have a phone call to make," she said pulling her cell phone from her pocket as the beeper on her hip went off.

"They must have an update on her condition."

Elliot walked with Olivia back toward the NICU where the doctor who performed the little girl's intensive surgery was waiting to speak with them.

"They said this would take up to eight hours, it has been just over four. Is my baby okay?"

Elliot slipped his hand into Olivia's lacing his fingers between hers for support and bracing himself for bad news.

"Everything went well. It didn't go quite as we had planned. It actually went much smoother and there was little bleeding. They are getting her settled into recovery right now and you can go and see her in a few minutes. Tessa did great, Ms. Benson. You have a very strong little girl here. She is a fighter."

"Thank you, doctor."

"If the two of you want to come with me, I will take you back to see her. I will warn you in advance," he said as they approached the incubator, "it looks much worse than it actually is. There is a lot of swelling and bruising, but when the bandages come off in a few days you will see that it actually isn't that bad. We kept incisions as small as possible to provide minimal scarring. As she gets a little bigger and her hair comes in thicker, it should cover the scar completely. I will leave you to your visit."

"Thank you," Elliot said shaking hands with the doctor.

"Oh, baby girl," Olivia sighed as she knelt beside the incubator to get a better look at her daughter. "She looks…."

"Good," Elliot said kneeling to look at the tiny baby. "For everything she has been through, she looks really good."

"I guess so. This is just so scary."

"Tessa Bailee Benson, beautiful," Elliot said with a smile. "You are one strong little girl. I think you get that from your mommy."

"I hope she gets better soon. I am not sure I can handle much more of the emotional strain."

"I'm sorry to tell you, honey, but that part never goes away. You will worry yourself sick about her for the rest of your life. It is all part of being a parent and parenting is complicated."

"Yeah, I have kind of picked up on that lately."

"But it is the most wonderful thing in the world."

Olivia picked up her phone and dialed a number, holding it to her ear.

"Melissa Evans, please."

"Liv, what are you doing?"

"Making that call to child services. There is no way I am letting them take my daughter away from me."

Elliot smiled and hugged his partner.

"So, I was trying to think of a way to make it all up to you. You know, my being a complete jerk for the last couple of days."

"Oh, I know. I was there, remember?"

Elliot smiled again.

"I was thinking I could help you set up the nursery. We can start on it now and have it all ready for when Tessa is ready to come home."

"That is a great idea. And it is sweet of you to offer, El. But there is so much I have to buy for her and I just can't do it right now. I still have to figure out how to pay for all of this. I have pretty much maxed out all of my credit cards and I am not even sure how I am going to make the payments on those. I just don't have the money right now."

"I know things are kind of tight right now, but I have a plan for that too."

Olivia raised her head to look at him.

"I'm listening."

"It was actually something Cragen and I came up with together. A sort of fundraiser to help with the medical bills. There are a lot of people in this city who would love to reach out to help Tessa if they knew her story. We have a lot of friends, Liv and the other cops at other precincts, you would have a lot of support. We want to organize a dinner. Cragen thinks he can get the people who cater the policeman's ball every year to work out a deal with us. Tickets would be like two hundred a person and include dinner with wine and dancing. By the time we deduct the cost of catering and music…. it probably wont be enough to pay for everything, but it will help. Cragen is already working out the details."

"You guys did all of this for us?"

"Hey, we are your family, we would do anything for you. So, I guess that would make Tessa my little niece. And uncle Elliot is so proud of you, angel," he said looking over at the baby girl.

Olivia smiled, "mommy is, too."