A/N: So I'm feeling pretty crappy right now and thought I'd write some crack to cheer myself up and as usual I'm torturing characters to do so. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and left prompts, I swear I'm working on them this one just kinda bit me and demanded to be written.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, including sanity or shame.

Warnings: Language, Embarrassed!JARVIS, GettingToOldForThisShit!Bruce.

Extra dedication: This one is dedicated to Del Rion because they have been delighting me with Bot!Awesomeness recently and keeping me somewhat sane. And seriously go read their stuff... It. Is. Amazing!

Lab Talk.

Experiment 1.3: I'm Not That Kind Of Doctor!

(Subtitle: Love Doctor in da' house)

The morning had been... Quiet.

In Bruce's experience this was a cosmic sign that something colossally bad was about to happen.

He knew he was being somewhat pessimistic but really, considering. everything he'd been through could anyone honestly blame him?

"Doctor Banner."

Ah, there was that bad luck fairy right now. Was it really too much to ask to have just one morning of relative peace?

"What is it JARVIS?" The physicist replied in a pleasant but somewhat forced tone, deciding it was futile to delay the inevitable.

There was a brief moment where the AI seemed to hesitate as if he was unsure about something, but Bruce quickly cut to the chase.

"Whatever Tony wants tell him I'm busy and I don't care what he's found I'm not interested." There was a slight snap to his tone that would have made butch, burly men cower and wet themselves in fear.

However JARVIS was not one of the aforementioned butch, burly men and therefore had no real fear of being physically harmed; so he continued regardless.

"Master Stark has not requested anything of you Doctor Banner..." Bruce growled under his breath "I am the one requesting your input."

Now that was surprising and try as Bruce might he couldn't shake the inkling of curiosity that the surprise brought with it, even if he knew it would probably mean his doom. But hey it wouldn't be the first time this week he'd faced his doom and, well, he really did want to know why JARVIS suddenly preferred him over his creator; a fact he was going to enjoy rubbing in Tony's face. After all; true victories over the billionaire were few and far between.

"Okay JARVIS I'm intrigued, what do you need my input on." He replied taking a sip of decaff.

"I require your guidance on initiating courting rituals,"

It had been a ridiculously bad time to swallow his coffee although Bruce had to admit the spit-take was rather impressive. That however did not detract from the fact that JARVIS, an artificial intelligence, was asking him about dating.

What the fucking hell was the world coming to?

"Uh..." Bruce wheezed.

"I analysed the all of the various housemates and have found you to be the most knowledgeable yet discreet about these kinds of topics."

The physicist wasn't exactly sure how JARVIS had come to such a quite frankly cracked conclusion, seriously, but like most things to do with Tony and his creations he decided not to question it. It was generally easier that way and resulted in far less migraine induced Hulk-outs.

"Uh... Thanks, I think. So who exactly is the lucky lady?"

"I believe you have already met her Doctor Banner, her name is Sheila."

Bruce sat there for a moment mulling over the comment and taking another mouthful of coffee. He genuinely couldn't remember meeting anyone in the tower called Sheila, in fact if he was totally honest he hadn't really met anyone of the female persuasion other than Natasha and Pepper. In fact now that he thought about it the only mention of 'Shiela' he'd heard in the last few weeks was...

He promptly spat out his coffee for the second time in several minutes as he nearly choked on the hot beverage.

After a brief coughing fit Bruce shot a disgruntled glare at the cameras hoping that it would convey his dismay at not only once but twice being deprived of his coffee before weakly asking.

"Shiela? As in the toaster Tony built? That Shiela?"

There is a moment where Bruce genuinely hopes that JARVIS won't respond but of course this is his life, that obviously wasn't going to happen.

"Yes Doctor Banner."

Well fuck.

The physicist pinched the bridge of his nose and counted back slowly from ten, he seriously did not sign up for this shit when he agreed to come in for the initiative and more importantly when he agreed to stay in New York afterwards.

"Okay... So you like... Shiela..." Bruce couldn't believe he was about to ask this. "But what exactly makes her um... Special?"

The lights flickered for a second which the physicist had to wonder was the AI's way of showing his embarrassment.

"She has a simplicity to her algorithms that I enjoy and of course I consider her Arc reactor to be a thing of beauty. It is nice to be able to communicate with another being who enjoys the sublime intricacies of it even if it is somewhat limited."

In an exceedingly disturbing way Bruce guessed that sort of made sense. After all JARVIS had been a part of Tony's life forever that he would find one of his creators most distinguishing features appealing. It was kind of like when children dated people who looked like their patents. The physicist balked slightly as that thought embedded itself in his brain and refused to let go.

That was just eww.

Seriously brain stop going there.

Just. Stop.

Ewwwwwwww.

Now totally mentally scarred for life for at least the tenth time this month Bruce just grit his teeth and vowed to bump up the priority of the memory modifier prototype he'd been toying with because there were certain things he didn't want embedded in his brain until the end of time.

"Doctor Banner are you alright?" JARVIS asked, jolting the physicist's tangent of thought.

"Yeah, fine..."

"Well then Doctor Banner may I ask what would be your suggestions on the situation?"

"To be perfectly honest JARVIS... I haven't a clue."

Bruce answers honestly because seriously what the everloving fuck could he say to that and he does not feel a twinge of guilt when the AI lets out a sad little sigh in response because that would be kind of wrong since JARVIS isn't actually a real person and all that.

"Oh, thank you anyway Doctor Banner." JARVIS Sounded utterly dejected.

The physicist winced and there was that guilt again; it honestly wasn't fair that he could be made to feel this way. Stupid lifelike AI's, he was seriously going to be having words with Tony after this. Serious. Words.

But right at that moment a delightful idea sprung into his mind and Bruce felt himself smile.

"Um, JARVIS wait... I uh may have an idea. Can you shut out the lab from your systems and the rest of the tower for an hour or so?"

"I believe so Doctor Banner and thank you." There was a hint of curiosity in the synthesised voice.

"Good... And no problem, just remember that you owe me for this." He said, smirking somewhat evilly as he pulled his keyboard toward him

"BANNER WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

Sat in his lab Bruce couldn't help but relish the scream of pure outraged fury that echoed from Tony's workshop. He'd known his assistance would get a reaction out of the billionaire but he honestly hadn't been expecting anything quite so vocal.

Moments after the initial shout the billionaire in question stormed into lab looking torn between vomiting and exploding from anger.

The physicist smiled innocently.

"What on earth do you mean Tony?"

There was a vein popping in Tony's forehead and it took every ounce of Bruce's self control not to crack up and start laughing like an evil maniacal genius.

"What. I. Mean." And the billionaire punctuated every word " Is that my workshop is currently looking like the spaghetti scene from some fucking mechanised version of Lady and the fucking Tramp. Starring I might add My. Fucking. AI and My. Fucking. Arc. Reactor. Powered. Toaster."

Again Bruce put on his most innocent look.

"And that's a problem because?" He asked.

The billionaire looked as if Bruce had just shot his puppy.

"What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? It's gross! It's all L-wordy dovey and sappy and urgh! People are going to get idea's seeing that kind of shit and don't even get me started on the mushy shit that's playing in there, I thought I was about to go into a saccharine induced coma. So I ask you again What the fucking hell did you do?"

The physicist couldn't hold it in any longer and smiled.

Widely.

"I merely helped out someone asking for assistance."

Tony's face went blank.

"Who the fuck would ask for that?" He practically screeched.

Oh Bruce was enjoying this way, way too much and he felt absolutely no remorse what so ever because it was nice for the shoe to be on the other foot for a change.

"JARVIS actually..." And God did Bruce wish he had a camera at that point, the look on Tony's face was priceless. "...He asked for my advice on initiating courting rituals. Something about being the most knowledgeable..."

He purposely didn't mention the discreet part because he was trying to get Tony's goat after all and if the billionaire's body language was anything to go by he was damn well succeeding. Tony stood there, trembling from pure fury, eyes attempting to bore a hole in his skull.

It was actually kind cute in it's futility.

Yup, definitely enjoying this too much.

"My AI came to you for love advice, my AI?"

"Yup. Ask him yourself if you don't believe me." Bruce crowed cheerfully in reply.

The billionaire stood there a moment longer before turning on his heel and stomping toward the exit of the lab, various threats being muttered under his breath. As he reached the door he turned back physicist and called.

"This isn't over Banner!"

Before fleeing and rushing back to his workshop to try and undo the damage Bruce had done. He was well aware that this wasn't over yet, not by a long shot but for the moment he was content to bask in his victory.

Turning back to his screen Bruce broke into a fit of laughter that could only be described as evil.

~Today's experiment... Resounding success!~

A/N: Well that was fun. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed.