The Good, The Bad and Mister Ed

Mister Ed awoke late, or leastways late for him. Wilbur, having born on a farm was usually an early riser. However, he had not as yet returned to his office.

People, after all, usually woke later than their horses.

"Seven o'clock" said Mister Ed angrily, checking the alarm clock dangling from a rope in his stall. "Probably eating breakfast. That horrible stuff people eat . . . eggs, bread, meat, Cream of Wheat! Give me a good honest bucket of oats any day of the week! But with humans, no. The only time they eat oats they have to wreck them by mushing them into oatmeal!"

Everything seemed to annoy Mister Ed that morning.

"Quiet" he said to some mourning doves cooing outside his window.

The sun shone out from some clouds, through the top of the stall door and right into his eyes.

"California!" sniffed Mister Ed. "Why can't it rain more around here so I can listen to the patter of raindrops on the roof! Instead I'm being blinded by one million watts of sunlight!"

Obligingly, the sun went behind a cloud. The skies grew steadily greyer, and heavy rain began to fall. Mister Ed could hear the raindrops echoing on the roof of the barn, and the water pouring out the eavesdrops.

"Rain!" complained Mister Ed. "Noisy, cold, wet, miserable rain! I want some nice, fresh, beautiful sunlight!"

"Why do you want sunlight?" said a voice very much like his own. "Horrible stuff, even more horrible now that Wilbur has abandoned you."

"What?" said Mister Ed, suprised. "Who's there?"

"Me," said the voice, laughing furtively.

Perched above Mister Ed's left shoulder was a smaller version of himself; a miniature Ed clad in red with horns on his head.

"I can tell you how to solve your little problem and ensure you're the centre of attention once more!" said the red Ed.

"You don't want to listen to him. He'll only get you into trouble!" said another voice very much like Mister Ed's own."

"Who's that?" asked Mister Ed.

This voice came from Mister Ed's right shoulder, and sure enough a miniature Mister Ed in white with wings and a halo floated there.

"I'm your conscience" said the voice kindly, "And I wouldn't be jealous. Be happy for Wilbur and Carol. They won't forget you. Think how happy they are. Think how happy the Addison's are."

"Addison," scoffed the red Ed. "What do you care about him, the miserable old skinflint!"

"Yeah" said Mister Ed. "What do I care about him!"

"And the baby . . . or should I say babies," sneered red Ed. " Disgusting creatures, you don't want them around stealing Wilbur's attention and screaming every moment of the day and night!"

"They'll be in the house," objected Mister Ed's conscience. "And human babies don't scream every moment, they get older and . . . .

"Noisier" interrupted red Ed. "Those annoying creatures will grow up into children who'll come in here kicking you and pulling your tail. They'll wear those cowboy spurs and dig their heels into you!"

"Nonsense," said Mister Ed's conscience. "Wilbur will make sure they know how to treat a horse."

"A horse!" sneered red Ed. "That's all you'll be to them. Not a friend! If you listen to me you'll have Wilbur as your friend and no children!

"He's trying to trick you!" warned Mister Ed's conscience.

"Quiet!" said Mister Ed. He turned to red Ed. "How do I get rid of the brats?"

"Get rid of Carol," said red Ed with a fiendish grin. "While Wilbur's not paying attention, play tricks on her. Go into the house, mess it up. Scare her at odd hours by knocking over things in the garden. Make prank calls. Make her life so miserable she goes home to her mother.

Meanwhile, go into Addison's precious garden. Eat his apples . . . don't just eat the apples, chop down the tree. Ruin his flower beds. By the time you're finished Addison and his wife won't be on speaking terms with Wilbur! They'll never come over here to bother you again! Wilbur will have to spend all his time with you!"

"I don't think I like the idea," said Mister Ed hesitantly. "I don't want to break up Wilbur and Carol . . . or chase away Wilbur's friends. Not even Addison.

"I'm sure you don't!" said Misted Ed's conscience. "You can't be that cruel!"

"It is mean!" said Mister Ed. "Besides, I'd get into real trouble!

"Trouble!" sneered the red Ed. "You're smart enough to pull it off!"

There was a moment of silence as Mister Ed mulled it over.

"Of course I am" said the horse smugly.

"Watch it!" warned Mister Ed's conscience.

"A horse is a horse, of course of course," sang red Ed. "But you're Mister Ed!"

"It'd be hard to pull off without Wilbur finding out" said Mister Ed thoughtfully.

"Hard? Why, then speed it up!" said red Ed with his wicked laugh. "When Wilbur's out one day, just give Carol a swift kick . . . .

"KICK Carol!" shouted Mister Ed. "Why I ought to kick you into next Tuesday. I can't believe I was actually listening to you!"

Red Ed's laugh went from wicked to nervous.

"Allow me," said Mister Ed's conscience, grabbing his halo with his teeth. Mister Ed's conscience flung his halo at red Ed. The halo flew quickly through the air, hitting red Ed and knocking him over. The halo returned like a boomerang and settled once again over Mister Ed's conscience.

Red Ed disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

"I'll be happy for Wilbur and Carol!" cried Mister Ed. "I'll be happy for Mrs. Addison. I'll even be happy for Addison!"

"Good," said Mister Ed's conscience. "I knew you were a virtuous horse at heart!"

"I'll even get them a present!" said Mister Ed.

"That's a great idea!" said Mister Ed conscience encouraging, upon which it vanished into thin air.

"I'll make it up to them for even thinking . . . of what I was thinking" said Mister Ed to himself.

But what to do!

Mister Ed's thoughts were interrupted by yet another familiar voice.

"Hello Ed!" said Wilbur.

Wilbur entered his office wearing a heavy raincoat and carrying an umbrella.

"Hello buddy boy!" said Mister Ed cheerfully. "Long time no see!"

"I came in to see you late last night, but you were already asleep," said Wilbur apologetically.

"No need to say your sorry," said Mister Ed honestly. "I heard the good news and I couldn't be happier for the both of you. Or for the Addisons either . . . even Roger."

"That's great" said Wilbur, as he took off his rain gear. "I was going to wait until this storm ended to start work, but I wanted you to know . . . and I wanted to get a start on my work."

"It sure is coming down" observed Mister Ed. "I love the rain pattering on the rooftop. I love the sunshine shining into my stall like a one million watt lightbulb."

Wilbur gaped at Mister Ed.

"Are you okay?" he said, concernedly.

"I've never been better," Mister Ed answered, honestly.

"You know, Ed" said Wilbur, sitting down at his desk. "I was actually afraid you might have been jealous of the attention the baby'll be getting!"

"Me! Jealous!" scoffed Mister Ed. "Ridiculous."

This was, of course, a less than honest reply. But then again, Mister Ed wasn't jealous . . . anymore.