Thank you so much for all the reviews! It really means a lot and I'm happy to see a lot of you actually like this :) I might double update today, because I don't have school tomorrow, but no promises and I tried to make this one longer so yeah. Please review it because I really do appreciate all the feedback and the criticism will only make me write better and follow it if you want to know everytime I update (duh but im not really good at this stuff so i should shut up now) I think the next chapter or the one after that might be the last one, and I've got it all planned out x
-dauntIess
Tobias opens his eyes and he's back in his fear landscape. He goes through the first three fears like a dream, barely conscious he is there. On some level, they still scare him but the only one he cares about now is the one with her in it. He enters his last fear. He braces himself for seeing her one last time, seeing her beautiful face and her eyes that seem to be about fifty shades of blue and gray all at the same time and her golden hair and he braces himself to feel her against him for truly, the last time.
He's standing in front of her then. He runs to her, wraps his arms around her waist and holds her. He holds her so tight it hurts. He holds her close to him, as if she might disappear in a second, but she cant, because she already has. He holds her and memorises every single thing about her. The texture of her hair, her voice, the dips in her back, the feel of her against him. He forgets for a moment that he already knows all these things, because she was made from his own imagination. His own fear. He holds her and wishes he never has to let go. He holds her till his arms turn numb, he holds her while she shouts at him, and every word still hits him in the chest like a bulldozer, like something physical instead of verbal and it causes him more pain and he holds her while she gets shot, and when she falls to the floor, he falls down with her as if they are connected by string, but he knows it is something much stronger and he lays next to her and holds her while shes being coated in her own blood and then he is being covered with her blood and he's still holding her and then he's crying. Horrible heart wrenching, grief-stricken sobs that he knows will haunt him forever, or maybe he had been crying since he entered his fear, but he does not know or care.
Long after all his tears are gone, drained out of him by the same force that had been dragging him back to his fear landscape for the past six months, wasted over someone who will never come back to him, he sits up, takes a deep breath and feebly attempts to take the blood off of him. What if he cant stop? What if he keeps taking more and more fear serum and never stops, only to see her again? What if he never heals? What if he dies like this, broken?
The thoughts swirl around his head, every time they're repeated, it seems to be with more venom and hopelessness. It seems ironic to Tobias, that after everything he had been through, a 16 year old girl, a Stiff like him at that, would be the one to destroy him. But she was different. He had known that since he had laid his eyes on her, those many months ago, when she had been the first jumper. He had known there was something different about her. He had no one to blame but himself. No one to blame for how he was feeling right now. He had opened himself up to him, shown the real him, he had let down his guard in front of him. And now she was gone, and he had never felt this lost.
He didnt know how, or when, but suddenly, he was out of the simulation, back in his room, and as he let the grief and despair and the strongest emotion of all-anger-overwhelm him, he realised he had no more tears. No more tears to waste over her, no more tears left to flow out of his tired eyes. So all he did was sit on his bed. He sat still, his body wracking with the force of silent sobs that refused to physically manifest. His pain was physical though. He felt the pain in his chest and now he truly understood the meaning of heartbroken.
And in that moment of raw desperation, the thing he had known since he had found out she was gone, the thing he had tried so hard to bury underneath layers upon layers of yes-i-will-be-okay-thank-you, had never been as evident to him as it was now.
He wanted it all to be over.