Chapter 2 - Malice in Wonderland
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
So where was I? I was stuck being a servant in my own home, working my fingers to the bone for a stepmother who probably moonlighted as a witch. Sounds like the beginning of some kind'a fairy tale.
(beat)
While halfway across town, the Prince had a scandal cooking that was gonna broil him like a mackerel, and a one-way ticket to Skid Row unless he threw a big party and found himself a rich bride and settled down.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT
CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)
At the time, I had no clue his problems were gonna change my life. All I knew was I needed a change in my life. I couldn't even lie down for a bad night's sleep on the fireplace without Stepmom lightin' a match under my foot.
CINDERELLA reluctantly and sleepily walks into her STEPMOTHER'S parlor, wearing a scraggy nightdress and even more scraggy hair.
STEPMOTHER
You look terrible!
CINDERELLA
(yawns; mumbles)
You're one to talk.
STEPMOTHER
What was that!?
CINDERELLA
(out loud)
I said, what did you want to talk about?
STEPMOTHER
Go up to the attic and clean out all the junk up there!
CINDERELLA
Junk!? That's all my family's precious possessions! All my precious possessions!
STEPMOTHER
Your junk is cluttering up room my family needs to store our precious possessions!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
She means the junk they've been wasting Dad's money on since they bumped him off.
STEPMOTHER
I HEARD THAT!
(to Cinderella)
Now get up to the attic and throw out all the old garbage, and don't come back until you do!
(beat)
And don't even think about falling asleep up there! I'll be sending the cat to check up on you!
CINDERELLA
The cat? How's a cat supposed to rat me out if I slack off?
Awkward pause.
STEPMOTHER
. . . I don't know, but there was a cat in the Disney version of Cinderella, and the writers have to put it in here someplace!
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, ATTIC STAIRCASE, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT
Cinderella faces the ominous staircase leading up to the attic.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Forced to throw out all my childhood mementos just so that wicked old witch and her two monkeys can fill up the attic with their own trash. Pretty much par for the course in my life, but couldn't they at least put decent lighting in the stairs?
The staircase would be pitch dark except for occasional shafts of light seeping in at random places. And in-between are large, ominous shadowed areas that make the staircase even more terrifying. Cinderella slowly creeps up the staircase, her anxiety rising with every step as she looks around at every stray shadow. The farther up the staircase she goes, the deeper the shadows appear to get, merging into each other as the light dims and her fear grows. It's almost like they're closing in on her, trying to swallow her up for daring to leave the safety of the light and venture uninvited into the darkness that no human has any business being in.
She stops dead in her tracks. To her mounting terror, she sees that one especially dark shadow looks like it really is closing in on her. She tries to convince herself it's just her imagination, but each time she looks, the shadow moves again even though she isn't budging an inch and neither is the last of the meager light behind her. She couldn't move now even if she tried; she's paralyzed with fear. The moving shadow is ducking in and out of the still shadows as if taunting her... or stalking her, waiting for the right moment to smother her.
Suddenly she feels a rush of wind, and a blur of movement flies by her from behind so fast, she can only catch the barest glimpse of a solid figure in the staircase with her. In response, the shadow tenses up for a moment and then starts rushing toward her at just as fast a clip. Cinderella is in full panic mode now, so afraid that she can neither move nor speak, let alone cry for help - not that it would do any good, knowing her stepmother and stepsisters wouldn't lift a finger to rescue her from whatever horrors she's facing now. Another sudden rush of wind, and the solid figure reappears and rushes past from in front of her now. She whips around to follow the figure. It's still a blur due to its great speed, but she can instantly tell it's circling back to come right toward her again! She whips around and sees the shadow is also speeding right toward her from the opposite direction!
Cinderella shuts her eyes and releases a blood-curdling scream as the figure and the shadow are about to slam right into her from both sides! They seem to collide only a scant fraction of an inch from her as Cinderella's scream dies in her throat, her energy and air expended! She opens her eyes and stares in stock horror as!... the figure plucks the shadow off the wall and folds it under his arm... as her eyes finally adjust to see it's:
PETER PAN
Sorry, this is mine.
Pan flies away with his errant shadow.
To Cinderella's overwhelming relief - or is it embarrassment? Or hyperventilation? - the attic door is only a few more steps away. She climbs the remaining steps and goes through the door. The attic is crammed with all the old stuff you expect to find in an attic, and is just as dark as the stairway leading to it. Cinderella carefully scans the room, not only to review what's inside but for possibly more ambushes. Her eyes fall on an old red snow sled, which she tenderly picks up and strokes, her eyes tearing up with long-forgotten memories of a carefree childhood now lost to her forever.
The sled has the word "Rosebud" printed on it.
She suddenly stops crying, loses interest, and tosses the sled aside.
CINDERELLA
(mutters)
That's been done to death.
LUCRETIA (O.S.)
So has this.
Cinderella whirls around and shrieks as LUCRETIA jumps out of the shadows and swings a heavy mace at her, barely missing as Cinderella jumps back into the side of an old cabinet.
CINDERELLA
Lucretia! Since when do you use weapons!?
LUCRETIA
You're right, the mace was Lizzie's idea. Dipping the mace in strychnine, that was mine!
CINDERELLA
You'll never get away with this! Killed with a mace dipped in strychnine? Nobody'll ever believe that was an accident!
LUCRETIA
It could happen!
STEPMOTHER (O.S.)
(calls out)
Girls! Girls! Come down here, quick!
(beat)
You too, Cinderella!
Lucretia and Cinderella leave the attic.
A few moments later, a black cat crawls into the scene and meows aggressively.
SUBTITLES
Hey, what about my scene!?
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, PARLOR, CINDERELLA'S HOME, NIGHT
Cinderella, Lucretia, and LIZZIE enter the parlor, where Stepmother is holding a rolled-up parchment.
STEPMOTHER
This just arrived in the mail.
LIZZIE
Mail now? It's nearly midnight!
STEPMOTHER
The letter carrier's taken to sneaking the mail to our house at night. Says someone kept throwing javelins at him during the day.
Lizzie can't keep her evil grin to herself.
LIZZIE
(fake innocence)
Who in the world would do something like that?
STEPMOTHER
It's a decree for all the eligible and wealthy young ladies in the kingdom to attend a ball at the palace next Saturday night. Seems the prince is looking for a wife.
LUCRETIA
Wow! Imagine, being the prince's wife!
LIZZIE
Or better yet, the prince's heir!
The stepsisters share evil chuckles as Lucretia fingers her poison ring and Lizzie fiddles with a knife.
CINDERELLA
Or better still, the princess! And let others be the servants for a change!
LUCRETIA
Hold it, Cinderella, I know what you're thinking, and you can forget it! There's no way the prince would ever marry a shabby little scullery maid like you!
CINDERELLA
If I clean myself up and get a fancy dress, I can be just as beautiful as anyone!
STEPMOTHER
(stern)
You're not going, Cinderella. You're staying here where you belong.
CINDERELLA
I have to go to the ball! The decree says all eligible young ladies. If you keep me from going, they'll know about it! My name's been on the tax returns and census listings for this house for years. They know I live here, that I'm single, that I'll be 20 by now, and that I've been employed in this house for 12 years!
STEPMOTHER
(cruel smirk)
As the invitation says, all eligible and wealthy young ladies. And as Lucretia said, you're just a scullery maid, a pauper! A nobody!
In a rare show of courage, Cinderella stares her Stepmother right in the eye.
CINDERELLA
That's not what you said when you forged my salary in the tax returns . . so you could claim that big deduction.
Stepmother frowns in disgust.
STEPMOTHER
Damn.
(beat)
All right. If you can make a dress for yourself that's fit for a royal ball, you can go.
LUCRETIA and LIZZIE
(in unison)
Mother!
STEPMOTHER
If she can make a dress between all the regular work she needs to do for us.
Lucretia and Lizzie grin: They get it. Cinderella's face falls: She gets it too.
LIZZIE
Oh Lucretia, have you seen Cinderella's job jar?
LUCRETIA
Why yes, Lizzie, it's over here by the fireplace.
She saunters over to the fireplace. The job jar is sitting on the floor next to it, rather than on the mantle on account of it's three feet tall, two feet wide, and contains enough scraps of paper to supply the next New Year's celebration in Times Square.
LUCRETIA
Hey, Cinderella! You better get started on them right now. You're way behind!
CINDERELLA
Now!? It's almost midnight, I gotta get some sleep!
STEPMOTHER
Sleep on your own time!
Stepmother turns toward the parlor door.
STEPMOTHER
(calls out)
Selena! Come on down, sweetie!
(to Cinderella)
This time, my cat really will keep an eye on you to make sure you work.
SELENA, the black cat, glides into the parlor and gazes toward the camera, purring seductively.
SUBTITLES
I'm ready for my closeup!
SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, GRAND BALLROOM, ROYAL PALACE, DAY
It's the day of the royal ball, and the servants scramble to get the palace ready. The PRIME MINISTER supervises the preparations. A piano plays an instrumental of the old torch song, "As Time Goes By".
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
The palace really went all out for the royal ball. The dance floor was polished until it reflected more light than Yul Brynner's head. Every crystal chandelier sparkled brighter than Bette Davis' eyes. Enough silverware and gold-plated services to double Jack Benny's bank account. And more streamers and ribbons than I have Hollywood name-drops.
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
All of which are totally lost on younger audiences.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Shut up.
The PRINCE enters the ballroom and frowns at all the work being done. The Prime Minister notices the Prince's entrance.
PRIME MINISTER
Your Highness, the royal dry cleaner is still working overtime on the draperies. We'll have to settle for spot-cleaning your dress uniform.
PRINCE
Or I could just not show up. That'll save you the trouble.
PRIME MINISTER
(exasperated)
Please, Your Highness, this ball could mean the difference between riches and rags for you and your whole family! At least try to show some interest!
PRINCE
Interest in what? Putting myself on display for a gaggle of gold diggers who don't even know I'm the one who has to do the gold digging?
PRIME MINISTER
It's not just about paying off your father's debts, it's about the future of the monarchy. Whoever you choose tonight will be the mother of your children. The next in line for the throne!
PRINCE
Oh, that's all I need, having to fight my wife and kids for the throne!
PRIME MINISTER
(under his breath)
Welcome to fatherhood.
(out loud)
That's why you've got to make an effort to find not only the right rich girl but the right partner in life, one who'll you live happily ever after with.
PRINCE
I told you before, I don't stick my neck out to romance no dames!
PRIME MINISTER
If this is still about that girl who broke your heart in Paris -
PRINCE
Who ran off with an American just 'cause he was a great dancer!
The Prince suddenly realizes the pianist, SAM, is playing "As Time Goes By" on the grand piano.
PRINCE
Hey! Sam!
Sam abruptly stops playing.
PRINCE
I told you never to play that song! You know I don't go for that mushy stuff!
SAM
I'm sorry, your Highness, it was the Minister of Finance's idea. He says it's his favorite tune, and he ordered me to practice it for the ball.
PRINCE
Well, I'm the Prince. I call the shots when it comes to music in the palace, and I'm telling you: Don't play it again, Sam!
The Prince turns to the Prime Minister.
PRINCE (cont.)
Is it me, or is the Minister of Finance getting too big for his britches?
The Prime Minister is about to respond, but suddenly all the sound is replaced by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:
CAPTION
The following joke about overweight people has been censored by the League of Political Correctness. We apologize for the inconvenience.
The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal:
PRINCE
I'm serious, Prime Minister! In seven years, he hasn't done beans to get our treasury outta the red, and yet he's throwing more of his weight around all the time!
Once again, the Prime Minister is about to respond, but suddenly all the sound is replaced by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:
CAPTION
Censored by the League of Political Correctness again.
The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal as the Prime Minister suddenly turns angrily to the camera:
PRIME MINISTER
Now cut that out!
(to Prince)
Look, Your Highness, we'll handle him later! Right now, I gotta check how the hors-d'oeuvres are coming.
The Prime Minister walks toward the kitchen, but pauses and turns back to the Prince.
PRIME MINISTER
With all due respect, give the ball a try. How do you know you won't meet any women you like unless you try? For all you know -
For the third time, the Prime Minister is cut off by a drawn-out censor's BLEEP, and an on-screen caption overlays the picture:
CAPTION
Censored by the People Against Drawn-Out, Sappy Monologues.
The caption blinks off, the censor's BLEEP cuts out, and the sound returns to normal as the Prime Minister suddenly turns angrily to the camera:
PRIME MINISTER
All right, all right!
The Prime Minister stomps angrily out of the ballroom.
SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
The hall is well-polished with a winding staircase leading up to the second floor, and otherwise has only a few pieces of furniture. One of them is an ornate chair, and Cinderella is sprawled on it, dirty, rumpled, and bleary-eyed.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
The night of the royal ball. Not a stormy night, for a change, but for all I cared it might as well've been. Stepmom and her brats ran me ragged twenty-eight hours a day for a week and a half straight. 'Course I didn't have any time to make a dress. I didn't even have time to sleep. My eyes were more bloodshot than Bela Lugosi's dentures.
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
And another one goes over the heads of today's audience.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Shut up!
(beat)
Even if I had a dress, I didn't have the energy to call for a cab to the palace, much less hit the dance floor all night.
The doorbell rings. Cinderella groans and pulls herself out of the chair.
CINDERELLA
(groans)
Coming!
She opens the door. A very nervous MAILMAN stands outside holding a package.
MAILMAN
(stammers)
I-I-Is the javelin-throwing psycho here!?
CINDERELLA
Yes, but she's upstairs getting dressed.
The Mailman quickly shoves the package into Cinderella's hands.
MAILMAN
SpecialdeliveryforCinderella!Markedurgent!Haveanic eevening!
The Mailman runs away twice as fast as his legs can carry him.
Cinderella sits back down in the chair and opens the package. It's a department store box with a note taped to it. She pulls off the note and reads it:
NOTE
A little something to wear to the ball tonight.
A friend.
A puzzled Cinderella pockets the note and opens the box. She gasps in awe as she pulls out what's inside and lets it unfold from her hands. It's a beautiful new evening gown.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Maybe I had the energy after all.
Cinderella gets a second wind, tosses the box on the floor, and runs upstairs with the new evening gown.
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, DRESSING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
Stepmother, Lucretia, and Lizzie stand in front of large mirrors, wearing elegant evening gowns. They put the final touches on their accessories and makeup.
STEPMOTHER
Now remember, girls. You must be graceful as you enter the ballroom. Head straight, arms loose but steady, ever so slightly holding up your dress as you walk the receiving line.
LUCRETIA and LIZZIE
(in unison)
Yes, Mother.
STEPMOTHER
And when you meet the Prince, curtsey. Smile sweetly, not too broadly.
LUCRETIA and LIZZIE
(in unison)
Yes, Mother.
STEPMOTHER
And above all, whichever one of you marries the Prince, wait at least a month before causing any accidents!
LUCRETIA and LIZZIE
(in unison)
Yes, Mother.
STEPMOTHER
Come along, girls. The carriage should be arriving any minute.
They step out of the dressing room into the hallway, and are about to descend the stairs when:
CINDERELLA (O.S.)
Wait up!
Cinderella hurries to catch up to them, wearing the evening gown she just received in the mail.
LUCRETIA
Cinderella!? Where'd you get that dress!?
LIZZIE
There's no way you could've had time to make that!
CINDERELLA
Be that as it may, I'm in a snazzy new dress, and Stepmother promised I could go to the ball if I was ready on time. Both of you are witnesses, and so am I! I'll swear it on a whole stack of Bibles in the highest court in the kingdom!
STEPMOTHER
(cool)
That won't be necessary.
(to Stepsisters)
Cinderella is right. We made a deal, and we have to stick to it.
LIZZIE and LUCRETIA
(in unison)
MOTHER!
STEPMOTHER
No more arguments, girls! We're already running late, and you know how much the carriage charges for waiting. Let's go!
Stepmother abruptly turns, swinging her arm around toward the stairs as she goes, and "accidentally" knocks a large vase full of flowers and water off a nearby table. It crashes to the floor behind her, spilling a large puddle of water over Cinderella's feet.
STEPMOTHER
(overacting)
Oh! How clumsy of me! Cinderella, you better clean this up!
Stepmother swings her other arm around toward the large puddle, and "accidentally" knocks the electric lamp that was on the table just behind the vase. The lamp crashes to the floor, breaking both its base and its light bulb, which comes into contact with the puddle at Cinderella's feet and sends a predictably large amount of electricity into the water.
Cinderella stiffens, spasms wildly, and lights up like a 2000-watt X-ray for several seconds before the electricity stops, leaving her and her evening dress thoroughly charbroiled and smoking like a chimney. She then keels over backwards, her arms and legs splayed out in more directions than two arms and two legs should be capable of.
LIZZIE
I didn't know Cinderella was double-jointed.
LUCRETIA
I didn't know fairy tales had electricity.
STEPMOTHER
A little something I slipped into the script in case all else failed.
(beat)
Well girls, it looks like Cinderella won't be joining us at the ball. But I'm sure she wouldn't want us to miss it on her account.
With evil grins, the three wicked stepwomen descend the stairs to catch their carriage, leaving Cinderella's barbecued body lying neglected on the floor.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Looked like Stepmom would finally cash in on that double indemnity clause. And for the icing on the cake, her brats get a chance to audition for the role of princess while I take a dirt nap. One minute all my dreams were coming true, the next minute I was doing the big sleep. The hasta la vista. Sayonara, Cinderella -
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Hey, Cinderella. You know, it kind'a ruins the suspense of looking like you're dead if you're narrating it like it all happened in the past. 'Cause of course you gotta be emalive/em to narrate what was in the past.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
It's a dramatic storytelling device! The movie's heroine recollecting how she died!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Oh, who're you recollecting it to, your fellow stiffs in the morgue?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
'Course I ain't doin' that, that'd just look stupid!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Not as stupid as trying to turn the Cinderella story into a cheap film noir knockoff!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
"Cheap!?" You know how expensive the special effects alone are!? Would you believe black-and-white is more expensive than color nowadays!? Not to mention the seven-figure salary that hussy playing the Stepmother demanded!
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
Who're you callin' a hussy, you floozie!?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Who're you callin' a floozie, you hussy!?
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Wait, seven figures!?
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
And why not!? I am the star of this story!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
The hell you are!
The three voiceovers descend into a freeform argument which partially fades into the background, while YET ANOTHER VOICEOVER comes to the front:
YET ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Well, they seem to have strayed quite a ways from the main story, so this might be a good place to end the chapter until next time.
TO BE CONTINUED
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O. background)
Get my agent on the phone!