Chapter 3 - This Gown for Hire
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT of CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
An elaborate carriage is parked outside the house's front door, drawn by two horses with a coachman sitting up front holding their reins. STEPMOTHER, LUCRETIA, and LIZZIE step out of the house and board the carriage.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
There they go. Ever since my old man got his bucket kicked for him, Stepmother and her demon spawn tried to kick me after him. That is, when they weren't yanking on my reins harder than that coachman ever ran his horses. And now they finally did me in and they were off to the royal ball to celebrate AND try to snag the Prince's hand in marriage.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
Cinderella is still lying on the floor in the darkened hallway, limbs splayed in all directions. Smoke still rises from her body, her dress is burned and tattered, and her hair looks like it was styled at the same place the Bride of Frankenstein goes to.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
And there I am, the world's biggest toasted marshmallow shuffling off this mortal coil direct to Stiffsville.
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Says the woman who's narrating the whole story from after she supposedly shuffled off this mortal coil!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
(snaps)
All right, you know what!? Get a load 'a this!
Cinderella suddenly inhales deeply as her eyes fly open. She struggles to pull herself up off the floor...
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
There, happy now!? I wasn't really dead, just laid out cold for a while!
...and stagger to her feet. She takes a look at herself and her still-smoldering dress.
CINDERELLA
(to herself)
Mind if I smoke?
Pregnant pause.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
This is film noir. Someone has to.
Rallying her strength, Cinderella stumbles downstairs. The rest of the house is just as dark and gloomy as the hallway was, owing to her stepfamily having put out all the lights before they left. Cinderella rushes to the front door, exiting just in time to see the carriage roll down the road in the distance, and disappear over the hill toward the palace and the royal ball.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Looked like I dragged myself out of a coma for nothing.
Cinderella is heartbroken. She looks down at the ruins of her dress, and gets more heartbroken. She trudges back inside, head down, arms hanging limp, her dreams crushed, her mood as dark and gloomy as the house.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
That ball might've been my one chance at blowing this jail and the three screws who ran it. Looked like our big house would keep on being a big house for me, for the rest of my life. However long that'd be, if I knew Stepmom.
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
Cinderella trudges to the fireplace and sits down on the brick floor, leans against the grate, and starts crying.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Things were as black as the soot I could never totally sweep out of the chimney.
(beat)
That I might've been able to if they'd ever given me a broom.
A large, shadowy figure slowly creeps out from behind a doorway leading out of the living room into the darker parts of the house. His features are barely discernible owing to the deep shadows, but also because of the long, dark trench coat and the fedora pulled down low over his head.
MAN IN SHADOW
(quiet, husky voice)
Hey, Cinders.
Cinderella looks up toward the voice in surprise. After a few confused seconds:
CINDERELLA
Who, me?
The Man in Shadow looks slowly and cautiously around to make sure no one else is around, then glances back toward her.
MAN IN SHADOW
C'mere.
Cinderella gets up and cautiously walks toward him.
MAN IN SHADOW
What'cha doin'?
CINDERELLA
Uh . . . s-sobbing in the fireplace.
MAN IN SHADOW
Uh-uh.
CINDERELLA
Uh-uh?
MAN IN SHADOW
Uh-uh. You gotta ball ta go to.
CINDERELLA
The Prince's ball? But I can't go.
MAN IN SHADOW
Who says ya can't?
CINDERELLA
Who says I can?
MAN IN SHADOW
Me. I'm yer fairy godfather.
CINDERELLA
. . . So . . what does a fairy godfather do?
Godfather holds up his left hand and shows off a large, bejeweled pinkie ring. The ring's jewel glows briefly but brightly as if by magic. Because it is magic.
GODFATHER
I make things happen when no one else can. When you ain't got no friends who can pull you outta yer jam, I'm the best friend you could ask fer.
CINDERELLA
A friend . . .
(candle lights up in head)
Are you the one who sent me the dress?
GODFATHER
That's me, Cinders.
The Godfather suddenly looks at the remains of the dress Cinderella is wearing.
GODFATHER (cont.)
What th' hell happened to it?
CINDERELLA
(bitter)
Stepmom, that's what happened.
Godfather's rings glows again.
GODFATHER
Don't sweat it, kid. I can make ya another dress no problem.
CINDERELLA
That won't do any good now. I missed Stepmom's carriage, and it's too late to call another one. Besides...
Cinderella lifts her tattered dress' hem line just high enough to expose her feet, and the charbroiled shoes on them.
CINDERELLA (cont.)
This was the only pair of dress shoes I had, and they got barbecued along with the rest of me.
GODFATHER
Alright, I'm gonna make ya an offer ya can't refuse. C'mon outside.
Godfather leads Cinderella out of the parlor...
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, BACKYARD of CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT
...to the pumpkin patch out back.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Whoever this character was, I felt like he was two characters: One being the best friend I could ask for, the other giving me the creeps. He reminded me of a fix-it guy I used to know in town. Sure, whenever your horse and wagon broke down, he said he'll lend you a hand, but you always wondered what his other hand was doing at the same time.
(beat)
Still, I didn't have much else to lose. I'd just keep my peepers open and see what happened.
Godfather sets his own peepers on a particularly large pumpkin.
GODFATHER
This'll do fine.
(to Cinderella)
Stand back.
Cinderella does so, and the Godfather aims his pinkie ring at the large pumpkin, and gently rubs the ring with his other hand. The ring starts glowing more brightly than ever.
GODFATHER
(mutters)
Veni vidi Napolini,
Corlioni, scallopini.
The Godfather hesitates, then looks around to see if anyone else is watching. With a bad taste in his mouth, he concludes the spell with:
GODFATHER
Bibbity-bobbity-boo.
As the pumpkin begins to glow and its features blur, the Godfather turns and gives Cinderella a stern look.
GODFATHER
You didn't hear that last part.
CINDERELLA
(nods her understanding)
What last part?
Before her suddenly amazed eyes, the glowing, morphing pumpkin grows in size, and its vines stretch out and curl into fancy patterns. Four wheels sprout from underneath the enlarging pumpkin, and the curling vines solidify into fenders over the wheels, a driver's seat high up front, and a rumble seat in the back. A fancy door materializes on the side of the pumpkin. Finally, the growth spurt ends and the glowing light dies away, leaving behind the fanciest coach Cinderella has ever seen, even if it is pumpkin-shaped.
GODFATHER
Presto, there's yer coach.
CINDERELLA
That's incredible!
GODFATHER
Nah, it's a piece 'a cake. I did th' same thing last month fer a guy named Peter Peter. Now there was a mug who could pack away th' pumpkins.
CINDERELLA
Peter Peter . . . isn't he the guy who got busted for locking his wife in their carriage?
GODFATHER
If I'd'a known what 'is real beef was, I could'a skipped th' pumpkin magic an' just gotten him th' number of a great divorce lawyer.
CINDERELLA
Well, I think your pumpkin magic is great! So, can you make me a new dress and shoes, too?
GODFATHER
Not so fast. Now I need a horse, a dog, an' four mice.
CINDERELLA
All we have is a cat and five pigs.
GODFATHER
(shrugs)
I can work wi' that.
The Godfather turns to the nearby pigpen, where the five little piggies were woken up by the excitement going on. He holds up his ring toward the pigs and rubs it again.
GODFATHER
(mutters)
Veni vidi - yadda, yadda, yadda.
The five pigs start glowing and morphing. Before everyone's eyes, four of the pigs grow and transform into four beautiful white stallions, wearing bejeweled bridles and decked out in decorative feathers. The fifth pig doesn't grow as much, but instead starts to stand up on his hind legs and transforms into a human in a coachman's uniform.
GODFATHER
That takes care 'a th' horses an' driver. Now, where's th' cat?
CINDERELLA
That's a cinch.
Cinderella turns toward the house and, in a loud voice with way too much emphasis on every word:
CINDERELLA
(calls out)
Boy, I am so tired of doing all these chores! I think I will take a long nap out here in the backyard where no one will disturb me!
Right on cue, SELENA the cat runs out into the backyard and skids to a stop in front of Cinderella, aggressively hissing at her.
GODFATHER
Good trick.
The Godfather aims his ring at Selena and rubs it. The cat starts glowing, and hisses and meows in violent protest as she starts growing and morphing. She ultimately changes into a FOOTWOMAN, dressed in a uniform similar to the coach driver's.
When Selena sees what's been done to her, she is not happy.
FOOTWOMAN
Hey, what's the big idea!?
The Godfather aims his ring at her again, his hand at the ready to rub it, and gives her a threatening look.
GODFATHER
Th' big idea is yer gonna be Cinderella's footman fer th' evenin', or kitty cat's gonna move in wi' th' fishes. An' I don't mean fer eatin'.
Selena the Footwoman puts on a very nervous, exaggerated grin.
FOOTWOMAN
What time does she want to leave?
GODFATHER
Soon as she gets dressed.
Cinderella shuts her eyes in anticipation as the Godfather aims her ring at her and rubs. Cinderella's charred rags morph into a very slinky, strapless, form-fitting party dress, gleaming white and studded with tiny gems, and slit up the left side almost to her hip so as to reveal plenty of leg. And on her feet are high-heeled slippers covered in precious jewels.
FOOTWOMAN
Diamond and sapphire slippers?
GODFATHER
You were expectin' maybe ruby?
FOOTWOMAN
I thought they were supposed to be glass.
GODFATHER
Are you kiddin'? One wrong dance step, an' glass slippers'd shatter an' turn her feet inta cold cuts.
Godfather rubs his ring again, and a full-length mirror materializes out of thin air next to Cinderella.
GODFATHER
So howdaya like these rags, Cinders?
Cinderella looks at her reflection. In addition to the new threads, her face is made up with the latest color trends in eye shadow, lipstick, and blush, and her hair is done up in a coiffure that would make any Hollywood starlet turn green with envy.
She strokes her new dress up and down, and purrs.
CINDERELLA
Ooh, fasten your seatbelts! It's gonna be a bumpy night!
FOOTWOMAN
(scowls)
If you tell me not to wait up, I'm gonna gag!
GODFATHER
She better not tell ya that, she's gotta be home by midnight.
CINDERELLA
(startled)
What? Why midnight?
GODFATHER
'Cause the magic don't last longer than that. Fairy Godfather union rules.
CINDERELLA
Well, half a night's better than nothing.
FOOTWOMAN
And I'll be back in time for tonight's caterwaul concert on the back fence. It's my first time doing the solo.
CINDERELLA
Let's hit the road!
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, FRONT YARD, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING
The "horses" are hitched up to the "coach" in the driveway in front of the house's entrance. The "driver" is perched on the driver's seat with reins at the ready. The "Footwoman" holds the door as Cinderella climbs into the coach, then closes the door and perches herself on the rumble seat in the back.
CINDERELLA
Goodbye, Fairy Godfather, and thanks for everything!
GODFATHER
Remember ta scram home by midnight, before th' magic runs out.
CINDERELLA
And then what happens?
GODFATHER
Th' dress turns back inta rags, th' coach takes its last ride, th' horses end up in yer bed, an' th' slippers turn ta cement.
CINDERELLA
Cement slippers?
(to the driver)
To the royal palace, and step on it!
The driver snaps the reins, and the horses rear up and squeal like pigs, then take off like four bats outta hell, crying "Whee-whee-whee!" all the way down the lane as they pull the coach at nearly twice the posted speed limit in a huge cloud of dust.
When the dust clears, the coach is well out of sight, and Selena the "Footwoman" is sprawled face-down on the road, arms and legs splayed out, obviously after having fallen off the coach when it burned rubber.
GODFATHER
(nonplussed)
I thought cats always land on their feet.
FOOTWOMAN
Ah, shaddap!
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, MAIN ROAD, EVENING
Cinderella's coach speeds along the road. The royal palace is far in the distance.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
I had to admit, Fairy Godfather really delivered the goods. The coach, the dress, the shoes - the richest girls in the kingdom couldn't afford better. I was gonna be one of the belles of the ball.
(beat)
If I could get there before the midnight bells rang, that is.
Cinderella leans out the window.
CINDERELLA
Hey, midnight ain't waitin' around! Give 'er the gas!
Cinderella's eyes suddenly go wide and roll back into her head, and she gags and moans in disgust and faints dead away into the carriage just before it puts on even more speed than before.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Fairy Godfather made the coach's driver and horses out of five pigs, so maybe "Give 'er the gas" wasn't the brightest thing to say.
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Oh, I don't believe it! A fart joke!? Don't you people have any shame!?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
You think I like it!? I'm the one who got gassed! I don't even know who put it in the script!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Where's RC Gumby Productions hiring their gag writers!? Kindergarten!?
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, KINDERGARTEN, DAY
Four preschoolers sit around a child's table with pencils, notepads, and mugs of warm milk, struggling to think of ideas.
CHILD #1 suddenly sits up and laughs excitedly.
CHILD #1
I got it! One of the horsies poops, and Cinderella falls down and goes beddy-bye, 'cause it's real stinky and gross and stuff!
The other children laugh hysterically.
CHILD #2
(laughing)
That's so funny, Timmy!
CHILD #3
(laughing)
Look out! I'm gonna squirt milk outta my nose!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Sorry I asked.
TO BE CONTINUED