Chapter 5 - For Whom the Bell Tolls
That's not a very funny title.
No, but it sure fits what's going on.
Yeah, but that title's from a story that's all doom and gloom. This story's supposed to be funny.
. . . Why start now?
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, BALCONY, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Long story short: I lose Mom, Pop remarries, Stepmom bumps off Pop, I'm Stepmom's doormat, the Prince throws a ball, I can't go, Fairy Godpop shows up, gives me dress and coach, I can go after all, long as I'm home by midnight.
(beat)
And guess what? It's midnight.
The castle's clock tower chimes for the second time. CINDERELLA quickly pulls away from the PRINCE, much to his surprise.
PRINCE
What's wrong?
CINDERELLA
I - uh - I gotta go! My ride splits at midnight, and I can't miss it!
PRINCE
You can't miss your ride? Didn't you come in your own coach?
The third chime sounds.
CINDERELLA
Uh - I don't wanna pay the driver overtime.
Cinderella turns to leave quickly but the Prince grabs her upper arm to stop her.
PRINCE
Wait a minute! You can't just scram like this! I don't know anything about you other than your name! At least tell me where you're from, where you're going! How will I ever find you again!?
A fourth chime.
CINDERELLA
(sadly)
I'm sorry, but where I have to go, you can't follow. What I have to do, you can't be any part of. We're from different worlds. You're a prince, and I'm a pauper. Maybe in a Mark Twain story, we could'a had something, but it's clear to me the problems of two fairy tale characters don't amount to a hill 'a magic beans in this crazy kingdom.
A fifth chime.
PRINCE
But what about us?
Cinderella kisses her fingers and touches the Prince's lips with them.
CINDERELLA
We'll always have the royal ball.
She pulls away from him and runs down the balcony's outside stairs as the clock chimes for the sixth time. Lightning flashes across the sky, followed by the roar of thunder as a rainstorm quickly approaches and the Prince tries to chase her down.
PRINCE
Cinderella! Wait, don't go!
A sudden, much brighter flash of lightning and a loud thunderclap hit, and then it suddenly starts raining. All this momentarily blinds the Prince, so that by the time he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he has lost sight of Cinderella.
He hears a seventh chime. He stares desperately out into the palace gardens as the rain comes down harder, his eyes wide with unfulfilled love.
PRINCE
(calls out)
Cinderella! Come back!
He stares upward into the rain, slapping his hands against his cheeks in frustration.
PRINCE
(wails)
Hey, Cinder-ELLA-A-A-A-A!
SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, GARDENS, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT
Chime number eight sounds as Cinderella runs through the garden in the rain toward the valet parking lot. As she stops momentarily to catch her breath, she suddenly hears a sharp, loud "Psst!" from behind a large, exotic shrub. Another "Psst!" draws her to the shrub and she sees hiding behind it under an umbrella:
GODFATHER
(hisses)
Hey, Cinders!
CINDERELLA
Fairy Godfather!? What're you doing here!?
GODFATHER
Drop one 'a yer slippers.
CINDERELLA
One of my slippers, why?
GODFATHER
You wanna be with yer prince again, don't ya?
CINDERELLA
Yeah, but-
GODFATHER
Then lose the slipper! Trust me!
They hear chime number nine. Realizing she doesn't have time to argue, she slips her right foot out of her slipper, shoves it to the edge of the garden path, and resumes running. The Fairy Godfather nods in satisfaction and disappears further into the garden shadows.
SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, PARKING LOT, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT
Chime number ten as a sprinting Cinderella skids to a stop at the side of her coach, throws the door open, and jumps in.
CINDERELLA
(to the driver)
Floor it!
The driver gives her the gas . . . I mean he gets the coach going real fast, he doesn't fart on her again! Geez, get your minds outta the gutter!
The coach speeds out of the parking lot and through the palace gates like a bat outta hell. The good news is the brief downpour is already starting to let up. The bad news is: Another clock chime.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
How many chimes was that now?
Eleven.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Right. I was cuttin' it close enough to get razor burn.
The coach races along a highway that is now running the side of a range of steep hills overlooking the ocean, with only a very low guard rail between the road and a hundred-foot drop to sharp rocks relentlessly pounded by the surf.
CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)
It'd take a miracle to make it back home before the clock finished chiming.
Chime number twelve.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Miracles in a film noir? Fat chance.
A magical glow surrounds the horses, the driver, and the coach, and they morph back into the five pigs and a large pumpkin. When the glow dissipates, Cinderella is sprawled on the highway, wearing charred rags again, the pigs start milling around in confusion, and the pumpkin rolls across the highway, bounces over the guard rail, and plummets over the edge of the cliff.
Suddenly there's a flash of light and an explosion from below that gives Cinderella a huge start and sends the pigs away squealing. She stumbles to the cliff, peers over, and sees the smashed-up pumpkin has exploded in flames on the rocks below.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Must've been overripe.
She returns to the other side of the road, sees an oncoming coach, and flags it down. The coach stops beside her and Cinderella reads the name plate on the side door: RAPUNZEL. The door opens, and fourteen feet of hair spill out onto the road as its owner leans out.
RAPUNZEL
What're you doing way out here?
CINDERELLA
Can you help a fellow fairy tale princess who's down on her luck?
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT
STEPMOTHER, LIZZIE, and LUCRETIA step through the front door to return home, and abruptly stop and stare in shock at who's standing in the hall waiting for them:
STEPMOTHER
(shocked)
Cinderella!
CINDERELLA
(cool)
Hello, Stepmother. Stepsisters.
LIZZIE
We thought you were dead!
CINDERELLA
I got better.
(beat)
Did you have a ball at the ball?
LUCRETIA
It was a total wash-out! The Prince totally brushed us off!
STEPMOTHER
Brushed everyone off as soon as he saw that one lady.
LUCRETIA
"Lady?" More like a tramp!
CINDERELLA
"Tramp"!?
LIZZIE
Yeah, he spent the whole evening with that dog!
CINDERELLA
"Dog"!?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
You can tell I resented that.
SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM, SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE
Two dogs, a male SCHNAUZER MIX and a female COCKER SPANIEL, stare angrily at the camera.
SCHANUZER MIX
You and us both, sister!
COCKER SPANIEL
Where do humans get off using "dog" as an insult!?
SCENE 6 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, NIGHT
STEPMOTHER
But then I heard she ran off suddenly, and the Prince just moped around the rest of the night. That put an end to the party in a hurry.
(beat)
So what were you up to when you were supposed to be dead?
CINDERELLA
Praying I didn't have a relapse.
Cinderella turns and walks toward the stairs.
LUCRETIA
Where do you think you're going!?
CINDERELLA
Where we should all be going. Bed.
Cinderella walks up the stairs without looking back. Lucretia and Lizzie look like they're about to explode.
LIZZIE
Mother! Are you gonna let her walk away from us like that!?
Stepmother isn't paying much attention. She's looking out the window instead.
LIZZIE
Mother! Are you listening!?
STEPMOTHER (distracted)
What? . . Oh, we'll deal with her later. . . . I'm not sure, but I thought I saw someone outside watching the house.
She peers more closely through the window, but it's so dark outside she can't see a thing.
STEPMOTHER
She made one good point. We all need some shut-eye.
(calls out)
Selena! Come to Mommy, it's time for beddy-bye!
Selena, who is back to being a cat, walks into the entrance hall. Her fur is dirty and ratty and scraped off in several places, the result of the hard tumble she took off the pumpkin coach two chapters ago.
STEPMOTHER
Good grief, Selena!
LUCRETIA
What happened to her!? She looks like roadkill!
Selena replies with a growling, disgruntled meow.
SUBTITLES
You don't know the half of it!
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, PRINCE'S BEDROOM, ROYAL PALACE, NIGHT
There's just barely enough ambient light in the room to see that the Prince is asleep in his giant, ornate, four-posted bed.
That is, until three loud knocks on the door.
PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)
Your Highness! You Highness, wake up, I have important news!
The Prince slowly stirs, groans quietly, and reluctantly drags himself out of bed.
Three more loud knocks on the door.
PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)
Your Highness!
PRINCE
(growls)
I'm comin'!
The Prince drags himself across the bedroom and opens the door to let the PRIME MINISTER inside.
PRINCE
This better be important, Prime Minister. I was dreaming about me and Cinderella taking our honeymoon in Key Largo.
PRIME MINISTER
Maybe you could still do that in real life!
The Prince's hopes perk up.
PRINCE
You traced her coach's license plate?
PRIME MINISTER
No, but remember you said she ran through the gardens? The guards found a discarded slipper on one of the garden paths.
(turns around)
Bring it in!
A GUARD enters the Prince's bedroom, holding up a small red pillow with the slipper sitting on it.
PRIME MINISTER (cont.)
Does this look like one of hers?
The Prince looks at it. The shape is exactly the same as Cinderella's slipper, and even has the shapes of the same jewels all over it, but this slipper is all one color, a dull gray like stone.
PRINCE
It looks the right size and shape, but I don't remember it being made of cement.
PRIME MINISTER
Maybe it was just jewel-plated and it washed off in the rain?
PRINCE
Or maybe she stepped in wet cement on her way out?
PRIME MINISTER
And look at this. There's a label on the heel that says "Made in Malta."
PRINCE
So this is a -
PRIME MINISTER
Yeah-yeah! Let's not go there!
PRINCE
Even if this is her slipper, how does that help find her?
PRIME MINISTER
We could take it all around the kingdom and call on all the single girls to try it on. Whoever fits the slipper must be this Cinderella you're so head-over-heels for, and then you can marry her!
The Prince gives the Prime Minister a withering look.
PRINCE
Or . . we could go all around the kingdom and call on all the single girls, and I can marry the one I recognize as Cinderella.
PRIME MINISTER
. . . . . Well, yeah . . .
Another GUARD enters the Prince's bedroom.
GUARD
Your Highness, I have important news!
PRINCE
Why not? I'm already awake. Unless this is just a nightmare where my people keep me awake.
The Guard is about to deliver his news, when what the Prince said makes him pause and turn thoughtful.
GUARD
So . . . you're asleep, during which you're dreaming that you were asleep . . . and were you having a dream while you were in that sleep? Does that mean you were dreaming that you were dreaming? And what would you be dreaming about while you were dreaming?
PRINCE
Guard...
GUARD
Maybe there can be different levels of dream states, and they're all nested together in this case? You know, like those Russian dolls?
PRIME MINISTER
Guard...
GUARD
So how many different dream levels could you have? I mean, could you dream that you were dreaming that you were dreaming? Or dream you were dreaming you were dreaming you were dreaming you were dreaming, ad infinitum?
PRINCE
Are you gonna keep rambling ad infinitum, or are you gonna gimme the damn news!?
GUARD
. . . Oh - right. The Minister of Finance sent me to tell you, he has some men shadowing a lady who was at the ball tonight and left early. He thinks it could be the one you were dancing with.
PRINCE
How does he know that?
PRIME MINISTER
And since when does he get to send men out to shadow somebody!?
PRINCE
Shady character like him - probably comes naturally.
(beat)
Right now, I don't care. First thing in the morning, we'll go see if he really struck paydirt. AFTER I get a good night's sleep! Everybody out!
The Prime Minister and the two guards exit the bedroom and the Prince shuts the door. As he turns to walk back to bed...
GUARD (O.S.)
So if this is a dream, then he's already asleep, so is he just going into a deeper sleep state?
PRIME MINISTER (O.S.)
Shut up!
PRINCE
Note to self: Don't hire any more philosophy majors as palace guards.
PRINCE (V.O.)
Truth is, I didn't know I was gonna get a good night's sleep now. On the one hand, the girl I fell in love with at the ball skipped out on me. On the other hand, now it looked like I might be able to find her again and maybe get a real explanation why she skipped out. But would it be an explanation I'd like? And either way, was there still a chance we could be together?
And then there was the Minister of Finance again. Between fiddling with the finances and now sending out his own spies - Just what kind of a racket was he pulling around here?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
What're you doing!?
PRINCE (V.O.)
Hey, you've been doing voiceovers through the whole picture! It's just as much my story as yours!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Oh yeah? The title doesn't say, "Cinderella and the Prince"!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
I can argue for myself, thank you!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
You can't do a convincing voiceover, why should I believe you can do a convincing argument?
TO BE CONTINUED
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
Hey, I wasn't finished yet!
PRINCE (V.O.)
That's what you think! This chapter's dragged out enough as it is!
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
This chapter was dragged out enough after the first scene!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
(angry)
Listen pal, I'm getting sick of you shooting off your big mouth every time this studio comes out with a new comedy! Either you stick your nose into a scene where it don't belong, or you badmouth the whole damn script!
PRINCE (V.O.)
(angry)
I've had it up to here with you too! I gotta good mind to come right outta this voiceover and knock your block off!
The KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR steps up to the voiceover Prince and hits him over the head with a rubber chicken.
PRINCE (V.O.)
. . . . . How the hell do you do a mute character with a purely visual gag in a voiceover?
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
It's comedic prose.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
. . . It's the writer having no idea how to end this scene.
ANOTHER VOICEOVER (V.O.)
That too.