Chapter 6 - The Shoe Must Go On
ED SULLIVAN (V.O.)
And a r-r-really big shoe it is, too.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
. . . . What exactly is the writer drinking? And where can I get some?
SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, DAWN
O.S.: The sound of a rooster crowing.
CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)
Soon as the rooster crowed, I had to crawl outta my nest and fix breakfast for those three hens so they could keep having their beauty sleep. To be fair, they needed it a lot more than me.
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
I heard that!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Get the hell outta my voiceover!
(beat)
It was like last night didn't even happen. Like the royal ball and dancing with the Prince and almost getting proposed to was just some kind 'a dream. Just a wish my heart made while I was asleep.
(beat)
There, I said it, and I don't care if I get sued or not.
SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING
Stepmother, Lizzie, and Lucretia sit at the dining room table with several breakfast plates set out for them. As usual, Cinderella stands nearby acting as waitress instead of being allowed to sit with them.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
On the other hand, a lawsuit'd be peanuts compared to what I have to put up with here. Back to being a slave in my own house to three dames who conned their way into my dad's life, then bumped him off and took over the joint. The one consolation was they didn't get to marry the Prince either.
(beat)
Then again, if any one of 'em had, they'd have a whole castle full of servants now, so I wouldn't get all the complaints.
STEPMOTHER This is the worst breakfast you've made since yesterday!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Right on cue.
CINDERELLA
(to Stepmother)
What's wrong now?
STEPMOTHER
My porridge is too hot, that's what's wrong!
LIZZIE
And my porridge is too cold!
CINDERELLA
(to Lucretia)
But your porridge is just right, isn't it?
LUCRETIA
Oh yeah. But I ordered waffles!
STEPMOTHER
Oh, don't sweat it, girls. I talked to the lawyer yesterday, and we'll soon be rolling in dough, thanks to our little "princess" here and one double-indemnity clause...
With an evil smirk, she takes a set of papers out of her nightgown.
STEPMOTHER (cont.)
...together worth a cool two million gold grickles! We'll be able to hire real servants to do the cooking and cleaning...
(to Cinderella)
...which I'm afraid leaves you out of a job, Cinderella! Pack your things and hit the bricks by the end of the week! And don't let the door handle hit you on the way out!
CINDERELLA
Aren't you forgetting something, Stepmother? I'm not dead! Your little "accident" didn't kill me!
STEPMOTHER
Au contraire, Stepdaughter! Remember this little clip?
SCENE 3 - INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, EVENING. CLIP
Stepmother abruptly turns, swinging her arm around toward the stairs as she goes, and "accidentally" knocks a large vase full of flowers and water off a nearby table. It crashes to the floor behind her, spilling a large puddle of water over Cinderella's feet.
STEPMOTHER
(overacting)
Oh! How clumsy of me! Cinderella, you better clean this up!
Stepmother swings her other arm around toward the large puddle, and "accidentally" knocks the electric lamp that was on the table just behind the vase. The lamp crashes to the floor, breaking both its base and its light bulb, which comes into contact with the puddle at Cinderella's feet and sends a predictably large amount of electricity into the water.
Cinderella stiffens, spasms wildly, and lights up like a 2000-watt X-ray for several seconds before the electricity stops, leaving her and her evening dress thoroughly charbroiled and smoking like a chimney. She then keels over backwards, her arms and legs splayed out in more directions than two arms and two legs should be capable of.
SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING. PRESENT DAY
STEPMOTHER
I showed that clip to the lawyer and a medical specialist. Based on the amount of electricity, no visible signs of heartbeat or breathing, and the position of your body after you keeled over, you were clinically deceased for at least twenty seconds!
CINDERELLA
Even so, I'm not deceased now, that's the main thing!
STEPMOTHER
(triumphant smile)
No, it isn't!
She hands Cinderella the papers.
STEPMOTHER (cont.)
Take a look for yourself! It doesn't say anywhere in the policy that you have to stay dead!
Cinderella examines the papers carefully. From the look slowly creeping onto her face, she's confirming Stepmother's diagnosis.
From the look now slowly creeping onto Cinderella's face, this is one straw too many.
CINDERELLA
(to everyone)
So . . you're kicking me out on the street, hmm?
LIZZIE
With the rest of the garbage!
CINDERELLA
And I'll be totally on my own. No one to shelter me. No one to feed me. Nothing but the clothes on my back.
LUCRETIA
(as if talking to a very slow-witted child)
Ye-e-e-s.
CINDERELLA
Nothing to lose.
Lucretia and Lizzie suddenly don't like where this is going.
CINDERELLA
No one to order me around. No one to control me.
LUCRETIA
(wary)
. . . Yes . .
CINDERELLA
I'm as good as free of you and your sister and "dear" Stepmother. Free as a bird.
STEPMOTHER
Not so fast, Cinderella! This is film noir, remember? A socially unenlightened genre where everyone believes the homeless and jobless are nothing more than bums and vagrants. The minute you're on the street, they'll just throw you in the slammer to rot for the next ten years, or stick you in a poorhouse where heartless bosses work you like a dog and callous visitors scorn you like you're doggie doo under their shoes!
CINDERELLA
Everyone in the socially unenlightened film noir genre also believes women are the weaker sex! Instead of throwing me in jail, they'll take pity on me. Some kindly, rich widow'll take me in, feed me, and nurse me back to health, and then I'll marry her handsome son who inherited the family business and live happily ever after in the lap of luxury!
STEPMOTHER
You wanna lay odds on which one'll happen? My money's still on the poorhouse with the heartless boss treating you like doggie doo.
CINDERELLA
So, exactly the same as my life right now. Like I said, nothing to lose.
STEPMOTHER
(getting furious)
I don't care a lot for that attitude of yours!
CINDERELLA
This is film noir. Everybody's got attitude.
O.S.: The sound of a doorbell.
CINDERELLA
I'll get it.
She stuffs the insurance policy into her apron and exits the dining room before Stepmother can demand the policy back.
SCENE 5 - INTERIOR, ENTRANCE HALL, CINDERELLA'S HOUSE, MORNING
Cinderella approaches the front door. Stepmother, Lucretia, and Lizzie follow her, partly out of curiosity over who'd be calling, and partly to avoid the lousy breakfast.
Cinderella opens the door to reveal the Prince, the Prime Minister, and the two Guards from the end of Chapter 5. One of the Guards holds the ornate pillow with the cement slipper.
CINDERELLA
Your Highness!
PRINCE
(points to Cinderella)
That's her!
STEPMOTHER
What about her?
PRIME MINISTER
(to Prince)
She's the one you fell for?
STEPMOTHER
(beat)
At the ball!?
(sudden realization; to Cinderella)
YOU!?
LUCRETIA
You're the tramp!?
LIZZIE
You're the dog!?
SCHNAUZER MIX (O.S.)
Cut it out!
LIZZIE
(yells to offscreen)
Shut up!
(to Cinderella)
What do you mean, sneaking off to the ball when you're supposed to be dead!?
PRIME MINISTER
"Dead"?
(beat)
Oh, is this the daughter who had the "accident?"
CINDERELLA
(to Stepmother)
"Accident", huh?
Stepmother and Lizzie look like they've been caught out in something, but Stepmother recovers quickly.
STEPMOTHER
(to Prime Minister, smoothly)
We thought the accident killed her. We didn't know otherwise 'til we got home.
PRINCE
Not too good at checking pulses, huh? Can't even hold a mirror over somebody's mouth?
(to Cinderella)
I've been searching all over the kingdom for ya, Cinderella.
(beat)
Well, I would have, if this hadn't been only the third street we checked.
CINDERELLA
Just got lucky, huh?
PRINCE
You wanna make me an even luckier man, and marry me?
CINDERELLA
You bet!
PRIME MINISTER
One moment, Your Highness. We need to get the formalities out of the way.
The Prime Minister motions to the Guard holding the slipper to step forward.
PRINCE
Oh, all right, real quick.
The Prince takes the slipper and kneels down. Cinderella lifts her right foot and the Prince slips the slipper on it. It's a perfect fit.
PRINCE
(to the Prime Minister; sarcastic)
Okay, it's official, can I marry her now?
PRIME MINISTER
And then there's this.
He pulls a parchment out of his coat. The Prince stands up and looks hard at him.
PRINCE
You really gonna make me do that?
PRIME MINISTER
(quietly, in Prince's ear)
You know what's at stake, Your Highness.
PRINCE
(groans)
Fine!
He impatiently grabs the parchment and leads Cinderella to a small end table next to the entrance hall's ornate chair.
CINDERELLA
What's this all about?
PRINCE
Don't take it the wrong way, but this is a marriage contract. Don't worry, it just legalizes our union and merges our two fortunes together for the mutual benefit of ourselves and the kingdom I'm gonna inherit someday.
PRIME MINISTER
You know what royal marriages are like, all the politics and legal wrangling. With the media watching our every move, we gotta cover every little base, dot every "I", and cross every "T", or next thing you know, we wind up the feature story in all the gossip rags.
LUCRETIA
(to Prime Minister)
Yeah, didn't I see your picture in the National Enquirer last month? Something about moonlighting as captain of a pirate ship somewhere around Neverland -
PRIME MINISTER
(explodes)
HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL PEOPLE!? I WAS JUST FILLING IN THAT ONE DAY WHILE MY COUSIN WAS OUT WITH THE FLU!
The Prince lays the parchment flat on the table and pulls out a pen.
PRINCE
(to Cinderella)
Anyway, just sign here and we can start the happily ever afters.
The Prince hands Cinderella the pen. She takes it and is about to sign, but then she starts giving the contract a really close look.
CINDERELLA
. . . Wait a minute . . .
She suddenly puts down the pen and pulls a note out of her apron, and gives it a close look. With a look slowly turning angry, she hands it and the contract to the Prince.
CINDERELLA (angry)
Get a load 'a this!
The Prince takes the note and the contract, gives both of them a close look, and then gives Cinderella a really puzzled look.
PRINCE
What's this all about?
Cinderella grabs the Prince's hand and leads him toward the front door.
CINDERELLA
I'll explain on the way back to the palace! I want to meet your "Minister of Finance"!
SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, ESTABLISHING SHOT OF ROYAL PALACE, DAY
The Prince's royal coach speeds along the winding road leading to the palace and into the courtyard.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Something fishy was going on. When a future husband shoves a pre-nup in your face, it ain't exactly a sign of trust. But in this case, it wasn't the Prince, it was the pre-nup itself that was sending up red flags. Fact is, I got the feeling the Prince and I were both gettin' our britches run up the flagpole.
But I needed more to go on, and I needed to recap the important plot points. So on the way to the palace, I told the Prince about my Fairy Godfather, how he first sent me a ball dress anonymously, then came in person to help me get to the ball, and then told me to drop the slipper in the garden. He told me about King Midas holding debts over his old man and blackmailing him with embarrassing photos, how the Minister of Finance cooked up the whole royal ball idea to get him a rich wife to pay off the debts, and then how they found my slipper and tailed me home.
And now this whole setup smelled more rotten than eggs left on a compost heap in the sun for two weeks. I just needed a few more pieces to put the whole puzzle together, and I had a feeling I knew who could cough 'em up.
SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, FINANCIAL OFFICE, ROYAL PALACE, DAY
A very large, ornate desk dominates one end of the huge office, opposite from the doors. Behind the desk is a high, leather-backed chair, turned toward the large picture window on the far wall so that whoever's sitting in the chair is completely hidden from the P.O.V. The window's drapes are drawn, giving the office a dark, moody atmosphere.
The doors are thrown open to reveal the Prince, Cinderella, and the Prime Minister barging angrily into the office and marching toward the desk. The chair spins around to reveal its occupant, the MINISTER OF FINANCE. Except that he's also:
CINDERELLA Fairy Godfather!
Her FAIRY GODFATHER reacts with a start at the sight of Cinderella.
GODFATHER
Uh - you're mistakin' me for someone else, sister.
CINDERELLA
I don't think so, "Fairy Godfather!" Or should I call you Minister of Finance?
GODFATHER
I don' know what yer talkin' about.
PRINCE
Oh yeah? Well maybe you know this: Why did you have Cinderella shadowed!?
GODFATHER
'Cause she was th' best match fer th' girl ya danced with.
CINDERELLA
That's a lie! You had me hooked from the start and you know it!
Cinderella pulls the note out of her apron.
CINDERELLA (cont.)
This note that was on the dress you sent me the night of the ball! It's the same handwriting as on the marriage contract!
PRINCE
And it was your idea I marry into big money! Except now you're all for me marrying a girl with no money!
PRIME MINISTER
No debt payoff, and King Midas disgraces the Prince and his father, and the monarchy goes down for the count!
GODFATHER
(amused)
An' why would I want that? If th' kingdom goes down, I'll be out of a job.
PRINCE
Would you? You're so good at cookin' books, you could probably get a job anywhere as a Minister of Finance. Or a Fairy Godfather if that don't work out.
(beat)
Or maybe just . . a Godfather! Of the criminal underworld, which has been doing real good since about the same time we hired you to balance our books!
GODFATHER
Coincidence.
PRIME MINISTER
Coincidence, my monocle! It's also about the same time the palace portfolio started sliding deeper and deeper into the hole! The money had to be going somewhere, and I think now we know!
PRINCE
We've been keeping our eyes on the underworld bigwigs for years, but we never found out who the biggest wig was, the one on top. All we knew was they called him the Godfather.
GODFATHER
And you think . . . C'mon, if I was that Godfather, ya think I'd be dumb enough ta use th' same name fer another character?
CINDERELLA
No, we'd think you weren't dumb enough to use the same name for another character, and so you would.
Pregnant pause.
GODFATHER
Damn.
Four GUARDS enter the office and surround the Godfather.
GODFATHER
Look, Yer Highness, we can settle this outta court. I'll make ya an offer -
PRINCE
I refuse.
GODFATHER
How can ya refuse it? Ya haven't even heard it yet.
PRINCE
Don't need to, don't want to.
GODFATHER
If you take me down, yer goin' down with me. Yer still in debt and ya still got those photos hangin' over ya. Who's gonna fix yer books now? Is it worth it rubbin' me outta th' picture with the kingdom danglin' by a thread?
PRINCE
You messed with my old man. You messed with my kingdom. And when someone messes with your old man and your kingdom, you're supposed to do something about it. Well, I'm doing something about it, and you're takin' the fall!
(beat)
If you're lucky, you'll get off with life! In which case, if you're a good boy, you'll be out in twenty years!
GODFATHER
Great, another round in th' slammer. Every time I try ta get out, they pull me back in!
The guards take away the Godfather, alias the Fairy Godfather, alias the Minister of Finance, alias several other aliases we never mentioned but he used anyway. He really got around.
Stepmother, Lizzie, and Lucretia rush in.
LIZZIE
There you are, Cinderella! You got a lot 'a nerve, running out on us like that!
LUCRETIA
We oughta charge you for the cab fare!
PRINCE
Hey, don't talk to your future Princess like that!
STEPMOTHER
Don't tell me you're actually gonna marry this dust bunny!?
PRINCE
You gotta problem with that!?
STEPMOTHER
(to Cinderella)
And you're actually gonna skip out on us and move into the palace!?
CINDERELLA
(gestures to the Prince)
What he said!
For a moment, Stepmother looks like she's about to commit murder, but then:
STEPMOTHER
(peeved)
Fine! Run off and marry your handsome prince! We'll get along better without you anyway, now that your life insurance is gonna make us millionaires!
CINDERELLA
Yeah, about that. I wouldn't design your counting house just yet.
Cinderella pulls the insurance policy out of her apron.
CINDERELLA (cont.)
Your little million-grickle insurance policy with the double-indemnity clause?
STEPMOTHER
If you're thinking about destroying it, don't bother. It's just a copy.
CINDERELLA
Oh, there's no need for that. I took a real good gander at it on the way to the palace, especially the clause.
Pulls a magnifying glass out of her apron and holds it over the policy.
CINDERELLA (cont.)
See for yourself. It says right here, if the party of the first part - that's me - comes back to life after dying the accidental death, then control of the insurance payoff passes from the party of the second part - that's you - to the party of the first part - me again.
(beat)
In other words, I get the two million gold grickles! Not you!
Stepmother peers at the policy. From the look of horror slowly creeping across her face, she's confirming Cinderella's diagnosis.
STEPMOTHER
(furious)
Why is it always the fine print that ruins things!?
PRINCE
(to Cinderella)
So you ain't a pauper after all!
CINDERELLA
And you ain't gonna be either. Like that contract said, we gotta merge our fortunes. Take what you need to pay off the King's debts. Consider the rest a down payment on a joint account.
PRINCE
(smiles)
Cinderella, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Lizzie howls in frustrated rage. She glares at Cinderella while pointing at the Prince.
LIZZIE
Of all the royal balls in all the kingdoms in the world, you walk into his! And steal my prince!
LUCRETIA
Your prince!? He's my meal ticket!
STEPMOTHER
Oh, give it a rest!
Stepmother turns and stomps off in frustration.
STEPMOTHER (cont.)
Next script, I'm auditioning for one of the good guys!
PRINCE
(to Cinderella)
First things first, we gotta get you a new wardrobe, fit for a wedding and a princess.
CINDERELLA
Suits me fine. I've had enough of wearing Snow White's hand-me-downs.
She holds up the slipper.
CINDERELLA
But I'm keeping this as a memento.
LIZZIE
Why do you wanna keep that old thing?
CINDERELLA
Because...
Pregnant pause.
CINDERELLA (cont.)
It's the stuff that fairy tales are made of.
LUCRETIA
They're made of cement?
SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, MAIN ENTRANCE, ROYAL PALACE, DAY
A magnificent white coach stands at the bottom of the grand staircase from the palace's front doors, with two lines of well-dressed people on both sides of the stairs. The Prince and Cinderella, both dressed in wedding threads, speed-walk through the doors and down the staircase toward the coach amidst rain of uncooked rice thrown by the people on either side of them.
Cinderella and the Prince board the coach and wave goodbye to everyone as it rolls away toward their honeymoon.
PRINCE (V.O.)
And that's how I got here. A married man with his kingdom back in order, and the most gorgeous girl in the kingdom to share it with.
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
And how I got to be free of that old crone and her two cronies for good. A princess to the most handsome prince in any kingdom, to have and to hold, to live with happily ever . . . after . . .
REAR VIEW of departing coach. The words "Just Married" are emblazoned on the rear bumper, and strings are tied to the bumper leading to tin cans and shoes dragging behind on the road. Cinderella and the Prince kiss each other in the rear window.
CINDERELLA (V.O. cont.)
Wait a minute! So, this is a happy ending? Everything all bright and sunny, the two of us really living happily ever after?
PRINCE (V.O.)
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
What's wrong is this is film noir! You're not supposed to have happy, bright and sunny endings in film noir!
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
I ain't having a happy ending! Thanks to you two, I had to get a job at the Laundromat to make ends meet!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
Finally trying to clean up your act?
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
Finally running out of decent wisecracks?
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
What about Lucretia and Lizzie?
STEPMOTHER (V.O.)
Lucretia's cooking at a local diner. And Lizzie's chopping wood at the Barber College.
(beat)
At least they're getting some job satisfaction!
CINDERELLA (V.O.)
And I'm getting sick of these drawn-out chapter endings.
PRINCE (V.O.)
Me too.
(to audience)
Hey! The story's over! Iris out already!
The scene does so. THE END. Sayonara.