Clash of the Smashers

Chapter Thirty: Why Family is a BAD thing

In a land with dimensions numbering one less than three…

The familiar portal opened again, this time depositing Bowser rather roughly on a strange platform. It was about six feet long and narrow, and was jutting out of a tan colored wall. Bowser groaned and clambered to his feet. Looking around, he saw similar platforms, but not much else. He turned around…and fell seven feet to the ground.

Bowser cried out sharply in pain, before getting up again, slightly slower. Apparently the platform only exists in two dimensions, and when Bowser turned around he was temporarily in three, causing the platform to not be present under him. Fortunately for his sake the ground he was on existed in all three dimensions.

"Grr," Bowser growled, looking around at the shifting scenery, "This is why I hate this place…Stupid dimensions and pixilated morons."
Bowser wandered around trying to figure where Mr. Game & Watch was, when a two-dimensional dark colored character who was clinging to the bottom of the platform Bowser had been on, gleefully flung a bucket of oil at Bowser. Yes, a BUCKET. It slammed into the side of his shell and spilled oil all over the ground where Bowser was standing. While spinning around to try and find the character that performed the nefarious deed Bowser slipped in the oil and fell onto the ground. Again.

Bowser grumbled and stood up, backing away from the oil spill carefully as the poorly animated man laughed at Bowser. Well, to be accurate, the man did laughing movement, but no laughter escaped him, only an annoying beeping sound. Glaring at him, Bowser let loose a ball of flame from his mouth that hit the oil spill. The flames traveled quickly across the small patch of oil and reached up high enough to reach the man.

Startled, he lost his grip on the platform and fell to the ground where he quickly became covered in flame. The beeping noise from him became louder and higher pitched, but in a few seconds he turned into a pile of ash that quickly blew away in the two-dimensional wind.

"That's better," Bowser said with a grin, "Now where's that stupid watch guy?"

Bowser did not have to wait long. Mr. Game & Watch hopped down from a platform and faced the large turtle. Mr. G&W was short, about four feet tall, completely black and possessed strange rounded limbs. His head was basically a circle with a protuberant nose and no features. Also, surprisingly, he was two-dimensional.

Bowser grinned when seeing him, hoping that this annoying assignment would soon be concluded.

"Alright there…you need to come with me. Some people want you present for an…event…thing," Bowser said, betting that Mr. G&W wouldn't come peacefully.

Mr. G&W stayed where he was, about ten feet from Bowser, and proceeded to consider the request. Of course since he couldn't stand still while considering, he made several jerky, poorly animated…ah hem…stiffly moved…movements, that consisted of him scratching his general chin area.
After about thirty seconds of this, with no discernible change, the normally impatient Bowser was getting quite irritated.

"Are you coming or not?" Bowser growled, hints of flame leaking out from the sides of his large mouth.

Mr. G&W seemed to think a little longer before shaking his head.

"What? Either you come with me conscious, or I beat you and drag you with me anyways!"

When Mr. G&W continued to decline, Bowser started to stomp forward. Mr. G&W pulled out a small black frying pan from that magical place all people can store items in, and began to launch pieces of burnt flaming sausage at the enraged turtle.

Bowser raised his claws up to protect his face, and hissed in pain as the smoking meat products hit his scaly flesh. Bowser lowered his arms and breathed a blast of fire, but G&W was already moving out of the way. Bowser attempted to follow, but G&W's quick, jerking movements made him hard to track.

Bowser rolled into his shell, creating a spiky whirling fortress and started to spin towards G&W. A second before Bowser hit him, G&W leapt into the air, and two similar figures, dressed like firefighters, flipped into visible range and held a trampoline under G&W. The trampoline sent G&W flying up, and he managed to grab a platform, while Bowser smashed his firefighting helpers into black, two-dimensional pulp.

Bowser unrolled and scanned the shifting platforms above him. G&W was difficult to spot, his black coloring blending in well with the black platforms. Bowser was about to give up and just start torching the whole area, when a black wrench slammed into his head.

He let out a yelp and looked up, fire blazing in both his mouth and eyes when a similarly colored bucket hit him in between the eyes. Starting to catch on, Bowser retreated back into his shell as a series of tools and random objects started to fall from the sky.

"I really hate this place," Bowser mumbled.

After a minute or two, or the rain of objects ceased. G&W stepped down and started walking slowly towards the unmoving shell of Bowser. Before he reached him, Bowser shoved his head out of his shell and breathed some fire at the little guy. Quick as a flash (which are quite quick) Game & Watch yanked out a container and used it to absorb all of Bowser's flames.

Bowser stopped when he noticed his attacks were not having an effect, and that was when G&W threw the contents of the container, oil that had absorbed Bowser's fire. The oil hit Bowser like a brick, and he reeled.

Bowser tried to prevent his collapse, but before he could recover G&W walked over to Bowser, held up a small flag with a numeric symbol on it, and lightly tapped Bowser with a small mallet. An electric charge flew into Bowser from the mallet, and he was sent flying.

Bowser skidded to the ground several meters away, and skidded to a stop. He lay splayed down, completely motionless. Game & Watch seemed reluctant to move forward, but after several seconds of no movement he stepped forward. He reached Bowser and reached a pixilated finger towards him, when Bowser slashed at G&W's leg, catching it and lifting him up as the turtle stood up.

"Got you!" Bowser said.

G&W struggled to free himself as Bowser held him upside-down. Not wishing to deal with a struggling two-dimensional man (Bowser wasn't entirely sure how he could hold him) Bowser slammed G&W into the ground, knocking him out.

Bowser breathed some fire in front of him, and the flames became a circle that shifted until they had become a portal.

"I really hope M.C. appreciates this," Bowser said, before stepping into the portal with his unwilling baggage.

In the skies above Kong Island…

A purple portal ripped open in the skies above Kong Island, and shooting out of it came a small orange ship. However, the ship was not the only thing coming out…

"Bario! Close that portal!" Samus said, struggling to gain control of the ship, after its hectic chase through the portal.

"I'm trying! The power from the planet is coming fast!" Bario said, sweat covering his brow.

The others looked on in fear as a blue surge of energy became visible through the hole in space, and a second before it came through, the portal slammed shut, like a door.

"There…we…go," Bario wheezed, before collapsing behind Kirby.

Samus nodded and started to look for a place to put her ship down. Diddy wandered over and started to give her directions, while the rest of the Smashers attempted to take a much needed breather.
Link took opportunity of the lull to take a good look at Samus. It was the first time that he…well, actually, any of them got to see the woman beneath the armor, and Link didn't have to say it was a pleasant revelation.
She really was quite beautiful. Her blond hair was tied back in a ponytail, but it was quite bright and shiny, like Zelda's used to be before her hair changed into the very brown color it is now. Her face was unblemished, a common side-effect of being a hero, and her skintight blue suit did nothing to hide her curves.
If he and Zelda weren't together he might have been entertaining thoughts of him and Samus…after all, she was clearly about the same age as him but Link doubted that Samus was really looking for any kind of relationship. Of course that wasn't to say that he wasn't interested…

While Link was considering the possibility of a match-up, Diddy directed Samus to a clearing in the jungles of Kong Island, where Samus easily landed the ship.

Kong Island is an interesting place. The center feature of the island was a large mountain, that was strangely enough, shaped like Donkey Kong's head. Surrounding the mountain was a lush jungle consisting mostly of large, thick palm trees and bushes, and spattered about the jungle were numerous small clearings, like the one that the Smashers were currently in.

The clearing they were in was located near Donkey Kong's tree house, where a most epic battle had recently taken place. The Smashers slowly filed out, Diddy talking excitedly to Raichu, and Link looking pensive. Mario leaped out and looked around the area with bright eyes, while Meta-Knight said something random about "Rev aeb". Kirby had found a large hunk of cheese from…somewhere, and was consuming it most readily while Falco came out still slightly tense from his piloting. Bario came off the ship muttering something under his breath.

Samus was the last one out, having put her suit back together and hooking it into the ships charging area, as she had spent all the power in the suit to use the beam that annihilated her dark self. Still garbed in her skintight blue jumpsuit, Samus grabbed a stun gun she had lying around for situations like these and joined the others outside the ship.
Once Samus was off the ship she hit several buttons in a rapid sequence next to the ramp they used to exit. The ramp retracted into the ship, and the ship flew into the air.

There was a moment of stunned silence as the Smashers tried to process what they had just witnessed. There were several amusing croaks as they looked from the sky, where the ship was becoming a rapidly receding dot, to Samus who was looking back at them with a cool and even stare.

"Samus…why?" Falco asked.

"I don't want anything happening to my ship while we're here." Samus answered quickly.

"But what if we need it?" Diddy asked, some of his excitement fading.

"I can call it back down. Don't worry about it."

Samus looked at the others has if expecting them to question her again. She seemed significantly more self-conscious, although that might have been because of her very tight suit. After a moment of awkward silences, Diddy spoke up.

"Well…uh…Donkey Kong's cabin is just over there," he said, gesturing to a pathway through the thick trees, "Let's check it out…?" He said in a way that seemed almost like a question.

Bario nodded at Diddy, and the nine of them headed through the trail. Silence pervaded ahead of the group as Link was quietly plotting the confrontation that had been due ever since this "adventure" started. He planned to get to the bottom of everything that had been happening recently…and he knew where to start…with their self-styled leader.

The Smashers quickly reached another clearing and inside of this one was a tree house…the tree house where Donkey Kong lived. With an excited squeak, Diddy dashed up the side and clambered into the cabin before the others had a chance to blink.

The Smashers waited beneath the house, unsure of what to do, but when Diddy failed to make any more noise, they started to become worried. When a call from Raichu yielded no answer, the Smashers scrambled up the ladder, with the exception of Meta, who flew up, shouting about something called "Drib," and Mario, who jumped up.

The Smashers poured into the cabin, when Raichu, who was in the lead, stopped so abruptly to avoid running into the motionless Diddy that Falco and Kirby crashed into him, sending the three of them into a wall.

"Diddy…what's wrong?" Bario asked.

Diddy slowly turned around, and his voice was almost unheard it was so quiet.

"Donkey Kong is gone."

Before the validity of that claim could be verified, there was a shriek of rage from outside the cabin and Meta-Knight came flying in, sword drawn. Link and Samus were too slow to avoid the enraged metal knight, and two brutal whacks with the flat of his blade to the sides their heads sent them to the ground. Meta flew unhindered…right towards Bario.

Bario managed to turn around in time, and as he raised a hand, one of his swords materialized in it and Bario managed to deflect Meta's initial strike.

"You…slime…CONTROL!" Meta shouted, before spinning around and slashing at Bario's head.

Bario parried, and by causing his second sword to appear, he managed to get a solid blow on Meta's helmet. The masked warrior shrugged it off and flung a trio of energy balls at Bario, who dodged them. The balls flew past and left smoking indentations in the side of the house.

Meta Knight dashed forward again, but a large yellow ball slammed into him, causing him to lose control and collapse to the floor. He twitched several times, uttered the word "mind" once or twice, before finally laying still with a choked "Eeb.".

Bario looked gratefully at Samus, who was staring at Meta with wide eyes, her stun gun still smoking.

"What just happened?" Diddy asked, as Raichu, Falco and Kirby disentangled themselves and Mario walked in and helped Link up.

"I d-don't know," Bario stammered, before Link lunged forward, grabbed a big fistful of Bario's shirt and slammed the lighter man into the cabin wall. Hard.

"Agh! What?" Bario choked out before Link slammed him into the wall again.

"Link! What are you doing?" Samus asked.

"Answers! I want some answers NOW!" Link shouted, before dropping the swordsman to the ground, where he wheezed for a second, trying to catch his breath.

"What are you talking about?" Falco shouted, unsure of what to do, as everyone started to move towards Link and Bario.

"Link…I don't know…what…you mean," Bario said, starting to stand up, before a brutal kick caught the man in the chest, knocking him back down.

"LIAR! Meta-Knight went right for you!"
"STOP!" Raichu yelled.

"Link you moron!" Samus said sharply, catching Link's attention, "He attacked us too…or didn't you notice?"

"He got us out of the way…he was after Bario here," Link said, "And some of those things he said…I didn't like them."
"Well…you don't particularly like me either," Bario stated, trying to get back up.

Link reared back for another kick, but Samus came in between him and his intended target.

"Link! Calm DOWN!"

Link growled and reached as if to shove Samus away. As soon as his hand touched her shoulder she spun around, knocking his hand away, and then hit him in the chest with a high kick that sent him stumbling back.

"I said CALM DOWN." Samus repeated.

Bario leaned against the cabin for support as he stood back up.

"Link…I don't know why Meta-Knight attacked me, but-"

"LIAR!" Link shouted again.

"Fine. If you won't listen to reason, why don't we lay this all out on the table. What do you want to know?" Bario asked exasperatedly.

Startled, Link didn't respond right away. It didn't take long though, for the angry look to return to his eyes, and he snapped off a heated reply.

"I want an explanation on why Meta-Knight attacked you, how powerful your magic is, why you're here, where you're from and your intentions."

The others didn't say anything, stunned from Links outburst, and eventually Bario responded, his voice calm and controlled, more so than either Link or Samus, who had backed off a bit but was prepared to jump back in if necessary.
"I already said I don't know why he attacked me. He's clearly suffering from some kind of mental damage, and he needs help. My magic…well you've seen the extent of it pretty much. Magic balls, portals, limited healing, some ability to nullify others abilities…nothing too strong. In fact, the portal opening is probably what I'm best at, and as you can see, this is the first time we actually got to where we wanted."
Link listened carefully to Bario, looking for a contradiction or error to catch him on, but so far…nothing.

"As for why I'm here, well…I heard that there was some kind of guarding job going on at Peach's castle. I wanted to do something, and I've heard the tales…legends really, of a few of you, and was looking forward to meeting you all. You especially Link."

Link was taken aback, but attempted to resist the flattery.

"Where did you hear this from…and don't lie…I know you're not from Hyrule."

It was Bario's turn to be taken aback, but he recovered quickly, and answered.

"You're right…I'm not."
The others seemed mildly surprised, and Link let out a triumphant grin, certain that he was almost at the bottom of this annoying puzzle.

"Then where are you from?" Diddy asked, all thoughts of Donkey Kong temporarily wiped from his mind.

"I…don't know." Bario said, which was definitely not the answer they were expecting to hear…not that they were actually expecting anything.

"How can you not KNOW?" Link asked angrily, frustrated that Bario was seemingly avoiding the question.

"Because…I have been twisting through various dimensions all of my life. I was just learning to control it and my other abilities when I found out about you all, Mario, Samus, Link, Kirby, even some of the rest of you. I followed any stories I could of you, hoping I could meet you, and attempting to control this uncontrollable power of mine. I was looking forward to meeting with my heroes, fighting with them…not treated like some SCUMBAG!" Bario yelled with surprising vehemence.

The Smashers turned slightly shameful eyes towards Link, who was starting to feel quite abashed. Before he could respond, either to apologize or to continue the questioning, a loud bang sounded…and three oranges flew through the window of the cabin and landed in the middle of the group.

They stared at it for a few seconds until Diddy said "Run!"

Realizing what the objects were the Smashers dashed out of the cabin, with Mario pausing long enough to grab the motionless body of Meta-Knight…who twitched slightly upon being touched. Appearing not to notice, Mario was the last to leave the cabin, seconds behind the others…just as the orange grenades exploded, blowing off a sizable chunk of the right wall.

"WHOA!" A deep and somewhat mellow voice yelled out. "Those dudes totally just dodged it!"

"Back in my day we didn't miss. In fact, in my day we didn't have fancy oranges! We threw barrels! And they never missed!" An old voice that sounded vaguely like nails on a chalkboard joined the first, and from the sound of it, the pair was coming around the side of the building.

"Don't worry dear, we all know how much you love the old days," another old voice was heard, with the distinctive crinkly sound that the elderly seem to possess, although this one seemed strangely ethereal and was decidedly more feminine.

"Well, if you were competing in one of my contests, you would have just lost! Ha ha!" A fourth voice, this one oily and sly joined the others.

"Well, if you'd like…I could give you some of my melons…" said a fifth and final voice, this one also female, and the line was delivered with a seductive purr.

The owners of these voices finally came into view, and Diddy's sneaking suspicions were confirmed…although he was still shocked.

"Funky, Cranky, Wrinkly, Swanky and Candy…" Diddy said in a kind of stunned whisper.

Funky, the first voice, was obviously an ape, and bore a body similar to Donkey Kong's except slightly more proportional. He was clad in a torn black shirt, jeans, and of course…sunglasses. He was carrying a large hollow log which was slung over his shoulder.

Cranky was stooped with age and was wearing a white shirt that went well with his long beard. Cranky was only about four feet tall, compared to Funky's six foot six, and used a wooden cane to help him stand.

Wrinkly was old, and very dead. In fact, she was so dead that she was a ghost. Transparent, old, thick glasses and oh yeah, she was old. And also dead/

Swanky was proportioned like a human, but was skinny and had sparkling teeth a multicolored flashing garb and some kind of freaky afro.

Candy was also proportioned like a human, and her small red shirt…skirt…thing, did not leave much to the imagination. She was covered in brown fur like the others, bore the distinctive monkey muzzle like the others…and bore distinctive markers of the female body, unlike the others.

"Diddy…who are they?" Raichu whispered.
"Uh…they're family. Mine to be exact."

"That's right Diddy my man! And we've been looking for you!" Funky said.

"What? Why?"

"Swanky here saw Donkey get beat up and dragged off." Funky told him.

"You saw what?!" Diddy exclaimed.

"Yes-a-ree! I saw Donkey fight this big green fellow in armor! Oh man what a fight! I could have made so much money off it! Yes, indeed I could-"

"Shut up you stupid ape!" Cranky said.

"Armor?" Diddy asked.

"Sounds like Ganondorf was here," Link said with a growl.

"What?! Why would he be here?!" Diddy asked loudly.

"Clearly he was here to collect Donkey Kong. " Bario stated.

"Funky! See I was right! They're the reason Donkey Kong got apenapped!" Cranky yelled, pointing an accusing finger.

"Are you sure old dude…Diddy's with them," Funky said, "And he wouldn't do that.

"Yeah Cranky, I bet my little man Diddy wouldn't do anything to his uncle Donkey?" Candy said in a "speaking to morons" voice.

"What? No! I have nothing to do with that!" Diddy said, confused as to why Cranky was accusing him.

"Ah ha! I know you did! You're probably the mastermind behind all this!" Cranky shouted.

"NO!" Diddy said, and the Smashers nodded their heads in agreement.

"Then you leave me no choice! Wrinkly, fusion time!" Cranky said.

"Whatever you say dear," his dead wife said resignedly.

She floated slowly over to Cranky and then dived directly into his body. His body was soon glowing with ghostly energy.

"Ha ha!" Cranky said in a strange dual voice, "With the power of ghosts, I, Crinkly will kill you all!"
"Um old guy…did you just inhale that dead lady?" Falco asked in shock.

"Yes! What of it?" Cranky asked.

"Wouldn't having a ghost possess you…kill you?" Bario asked.

"HA! That would only happen if she got to my heart-" Cranky paused and then, wide-eyed, clutched at his heart, before falling to the ground, very dead.

"Huh. That was anti-climactic," Raichu stated.

"Can't say I'm sad," Diddy said, looking as Cranky's body started to twitch wildly as inside it he tried to kill his now equally dead wife.

"Wow, sorry man," Funky said, "Cranky said you were the guys who got D.K. so uh…yeah. Whoops. Do you know anything about what happened to him?"

"Nothing besides what we learned here…do you need him back?" Bario asked.

Disappointed by the lack of information about Donkey, Candy looped her arm around Swanky and started to sashay him towards her cabin.

"Yeah, pretty badly. K. Rool is becoming really aggressive, and we need some more fighters."
"What? What about Kiddy and Chunky?" Diddy asked.

"K. Rool?" Raichu asked.

"I'll explain later," Diddy said, as Funky answered his question.

"Those guys are gone. Dixie, Lanky and Tiny all left to. They found some kind of secret banana treasure place and went after it. Donkey and me were supposed to hold off the baddies…but well," Funky trailed off.

"Well don't worry! We'll take care of him! Right guys?" Diddy asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah sure…who is he?" Bario asked.

Diddy started to explain about the evil reptile king similar to Bowser who terrorized them at Kong Island, but stopped in the middle, realizing that something funky just said was very wrong and was about to ask him about it, when a sudden rustling drew his attention.

"What was that?" Link asked.

"Looks like K. Rool is attacking again," Funky said, lifting his log as something burst from the trees in front of them…something large.