As always, thanks to everyone who reviewed. The boost I got from trudes193, Pirate Gyrl and MademoiselleGF helped me to finish this one rather quickly. I can't tell you readers how relieved you make me. I worry sometimes that I'm dragging the story out too much and bringing in too much inner conflict, but you're all sticking with me- thanks so much!
PirateGyrl- I always took it as Ben's way of teasing them for being so pretty. I do try to write them with a VERY blurred line between them- they both go back and forth into each other's personalities sometimes. And you're right- I developed Ben to give Caleb someone to play with, but he definitely doesn't completely confide in him.
Caleb and Jamie are giving him two sides that both make sense (isn't that always the way?), but I'm thinking this chapter might make the fangirl in you a bit happy.
trudes193- Thanks, and thanks for checking the chapter over for me. It makes me a lot more confident to post.
MademoiselleGF- If it came down to Jackson or Ben in that particular scenario, Caleb would have sided with Ben because he doesn't think Jackson is in the right. Even though there is the valid issue that Ben had been lying to Marie about his past, it's not lost on Caleb that she didn't order the hit until Ben refused to kill Lisa, which makes the hit wrong, in Caleb's mind. That's why he was so keen to make sure Jackson wasn't planning on going through with Marie's order- he didn't want to face the idea of being pitted against his brother.
CharliRenee123- Don't give anything away! :P
KnoKnayme- Thank you so much. See my general author's note above. :)
Time for some conflict and healing!
Chapter 29: The Point of No Return
"Can I try?" Lisa asked, watching Ben push the handle of the hand press and pull a complete bullet and casing from the die. Ben shook his head, quickly checking his phone when he heard a notification of an incoming text message.
"These have to be precise, grasshopper," he joked, setting the bullet into a nearby box. "And it's man's work."
Lisa rolled her eyes, dropping back in her chair. "Chauvinist," she remarked, drinking from her bottle of water.
"Oh lighten up," he replied, measuring out the next load of powder. "I just like doing it." He looked up from his work. "Stop taking everything so seriously. Even Jackson isn't this high strung."
Lisa made a face, but was interrupted from replying by Caleb walking into the room. He raised an eyebrow, looking at Ben. "So this is the spa." Lisa furrowed her eyebrows, confused by his words and Ben's grin. She must have missed some joke between them.
"Do you think I'm high strung?" she asked Caleb.
"Like a harp," he replied, glancing at the disheveled sheets and comforter on the bed. "Christ, Lisa- I have to sleep there."
A clatter caught the two's attention. Ben had set down his hand press and was gaping at Caleb in disbelief. "And how many times did you and Cheryl kick Jackson out of bed?" he asked incredulously, shaking his head in exaggerated disappointment. "Poor guy couldn't stay in his own room and poor Jamie had to take him in.
Lisa looked over at Caleb, who was blushing lightly. "Fair enough," he conceded as Lisa turned to look at Ben again.
"Who's Jaime?" she asked. She assumed that they were talking about Caleb's days in the agency, but she had never heard of this woman.
Ben grinned devilishly. "Jaime is a goddess," he replied, twisting his pointer and middle finger. "She and him are like this." Lisa scowled. She hadn't heard anything about this.
"She's his lead," Caleb explained quickly, overriding Ben. "His second- she runs his team when they go on a mission. And she was Cheryl's roommate, so Jackson slept in their room a lot." Lisa eyed Ben.
"Asshole," she said accusingly. He was obviously just trying to get a rise out of her. It seemed like entertainment to him. Ben nodded in agreement, focusing on his hand press again. Lisa turned to Caleb. "And don't blame Jackson," she teased. "He had a gun to his head."
Caleb grinned, shaking his head. He lowered his gaze to the gun on the nightstand, and looked back at Lisa, his face now full of surprise. "Seriously?" he asked incredulously. She nodded, a playful smile teasing the corner of her lips.
Another clatter from Ben caught her attention. "I had it all wrong," he said quietly, and lowered himself onto one knee in front of her, taking one of her hands in his. "Marry me," he proposed. Lisa gaped at him, dumbfounded. "No, really- I'll cook and everything. Just slap me around once in a while and I'll make you so happy."
Lisa pulled her hand away quickly. "Are you high?" she asked in amusement, still confused.
"He just really loves a woman with a gun," Caleb explained, pulling a bottle of water from the minibar. "It's an obsession." Ben nodded, sitting back in his chair after shooting Lisa a look of mock dejection. She shook her head, smiling faintly.
"So you guys all lived together when you were a team?" she asked curiously.
Caleb nodded, standing near Ben. "Six of us in a three bedroom apartment for two years," he replied, stress in his voice. "It was...real."
"Real awesome," Ben added, standing to allow Caleb to take his seat. He flung himself down on the bed. "But all great things must come to an end and all that." Lisa looked at Caleb, who picked up where Ben had left off with reloading the bullets.
"Was it really that great?" She prodded. "I mean, how much fun could it really be?" If anyone was going to confirm her ideas of how twisted the agency was, it was Caleb.
He shrugged. "It was six people in an apartment," he reminded her. "Sometimes it was great, sometimes we almost narrowed it down to five." He eyed Ben, implying that he was the one that was often in danger, which didn't really surprise Lisa. He was fun, but she couldn't imagine living in such a cramped with space with someone like him. And she definitely couldn't imagine him and Jackson under the same roof. "But we were a family."
She nodded, slightly furrowing her eyebrows. "But you still left," she continued, still fishing. She wanted to hear that they were just being nostalgic for 'the good old days' and that was actually pretty horrible. She hadn't been able to read Jackson before he left, and wanted some reassurance that he was going to walk out on the job like Caleb had.
Caleb nodded. "I did," he replied, and as usual, he seemed to understand exactly what she was pressing for. "But I'm not him." Lisa bit her lip. That wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"Did he tell you?" she asked nervously. Caleb was holding something back. He nodded, but didn't elaborate.
"Tell him what?" Ben asked, rolling onto his stomach. Lisa ignored him, not taking her eyes off Caleb.
"She wants him to go legit," Caleb explained calmly, pressing another bullet. Lisa felt a blush forming on her cheeks when Ben laughed.
"What's so funny about that?" she demanded, turning to face him. Ben abruptly stopped laughing, his face serious.
"What isn't funny about that?" he countered. "It's a goddamn riot." He shook his head, sitting up. "You've known him for a few weeks and you really think he'll just give up his entire life for you? You really think he wouldwant to have a straight job and a neat little suburban life?"
Lisa glared at him. "What do you know about it?" she asked accusingly. "You don't even talk to him anymore."
Ben smiled condescendingly. "And I still know him better than you," he replied. Lisa opened her mouth to respond. "No, it's adorable that you come in here and think you can just deliver ultimatums and he'll follow you like some dog," he continued, cutting her off. "Not a chance, sweetheart."
Lisa angrily got to her feet, and Ben followed suit. "Oh, what?" he snapped. "Am I pissing you off? Am I bursting your happy little bubble?" Lisa glanced down at Caleb, but he was silently watching them both. "Seriously, Lisa- you're cool, and I do like you, but you have to admit that it's pretty fucking hilarious that you think that he'll just go legit, follow you into this little prepackaged life that would normally make him goddamn miserable, but he'll just love it because you're so great."
Lisa bit her lip. Ben didn't even know her, and he didn't know what had been going on between her and Jackson. Who was he to say this to her? "He's changed. How do you know he would still be miserable?" she challenged.
"Because he said so," Caleb replied, cutting into their conversation. Lisa and Ben turned to look down at him. Lisa frowned. She knew there was something he was keeping from her.
"I don't get it," she said, crossing her arms in frustration. The fact that Jackson was choosing this job over her was hitting her like a ton of bricks. "How can he want this job that badly? It's so dangerous."
Ben scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Not everyone likes to live in a safe little bubble," he remarked as Caleb got to his feet.
"Shut up," he snapped at Ben, and Lisa stepped back. She had the feeling looking at the two men that Ben's last comment wasn't aimed only at her.
"I won't. I'm not the one who abandoned his teammates to go live in the suburbs," Ben snapped back, turning to face Caleb head-on. "I'm not the one pretending that I'm not a killer."
"I'm not pretending shit," Caleb spat. "I know who I am. And you know why-"
"No, I don't!" Ben interrupted. "I know what Jackson told us, but you never even bothered to tell the rest of us." Lisa shifted her weight, her discomfort increasing. She was realizing that although Ben probably meant the harsh words he had said to her, he wasn't talking only about her situation with Jackson. "It was just 'I can't do this anymore' and-"
"That's why," Caleb yelled, his composure completely lost. "I couldn't do it anymore. I loved you guys, but I couldn't kill people and use people anymore. I'm a goddamn chickenshit, alright? That's the only reason. And you," he continued harshly, turning back to Lisa. "Jackson won't quit because he's not a coward. He took the job for a reason and he doesn't belong in the real world. He prefers his world. And even if he did quit for you, do you really think that he wouldn't change?"
Lisa blinked rapidly, unsure of what to say. She hadn't heard Caleb lose his temper like this- he had been the voice of reason for her. For some reason, instead of offending her, it was making his words resonate even more. "Do you really think that he could just do the typical job, have a normal life, and still be the same person? You claim to love him, but only on your terms."
"Only on my terms?" she snapped defensively, losing her own patience. He had definitely crossed the line. "I've done everything on his terms since I got to your house."
Caleb shook his head. "If he had his way, you never would have gotten to my house in the first place," he reminded her. "And yes, he has been controlling, but everything we're doing is his job. And when it's his job he's in charge. But anyone can see how much you've gotten to him, making him question himself, which I really don't have a problem with- let's face it, he needs it- but now...pulling an ultimatum- you really can't see how cruelthat is? You're manipulating him- taking advantage of the fact that he's in a fucked up place and trying to use it to get your way."
"I'm not manipulating him!" Lisa insisted, her hands balled into tight fists. "I'm trying to help him."
"He doesn't need your 'help'," Ben interjected rudely.
"Shut up!" she snapped, turning her head quickly to face him. "It's not my fault that he's confused- that's always been there. I just brought it out. And now-"
"That's not the problem," Ben spat, interrupting her. "The problem is that you look down on our job like you're so high and mighty because oh no, we kill people. Killing is wrong," he mocked. "And he's listening to you, which is why he's fucked up. Well, we do it so people like you can have your comfy little high horses that you use to judge people like us."
"Spare me the heroic speech," Lisa replied sharply. Caleb's jaw dropped.
"You know what your problem is?" he asked tensely. "You talk about things you just don't understand."
Lisa gaped at him. "What's not to understand?" she demanded, clenching her jaw. "You're murderers." She couldn't believe the words coming from her mouth. She had genuinely thought that she understood Jackson's profession. Was she lying to herself, or was she just trying to hurt them as much as they were hurting her?
"Would you say that to a serviceman?" Ben asked. "Would you say it to government agent?" She shook her head, failing to see what that had to do with anything. They lived outside the law- it was ludicrous to compare the agency to the military or the federal government. "Well, that's what we are, babe." Lisa started to tell him that he was full of it, but he continued right over her. "We are protected by the CIA- do you really think that we could work completely off the grid in this world? We do the shit the government can't- we handle the clandestine, unsanctioned missions that just can't be done by an agency accountable to international law."
Lisa gaped at him, stunned. Jackson had never mentioned anything like this.
"Like I said, things you just don't understand," Caleb said coldly, his posture relaxing slightly. "But at least we know how you really feel about it now- not that it was a big secret before." He dropped into his chair again. "It's probably better if you do just drop out of his life," he remarked cruelly, "he'll get over it eventually."
Ben gave a short nod of agreement. "Call me when you're ready to leave," he said to Caleb, quickly exiting the room without looking at Lisa.
Lisa sat down on her chair again, her head spinning. She felt completely blindsided- she had thought that Caleb at least was on her side. Where had this come from? Were they right? Did she have it completely wrong? Was she really manipulating Jackson? She dropped her face in her hands, even more confused than she had been. The room was silent for a few moments before Caleb finally spoke.
"You can't make him quit," he explained, calm again. "It just won't work. Even if he did, which he doesn't want, he'll eventually hold it against you." He sighed. "And if you leave...he will get over it, but you really did a number on him. You realize that, right?" Lisa nodded sadly. She honestly thought that she was helping him, but it was evident that she may have done more harm than good.
"I didn't mean for it to happen like this," she told him in a meek voice. He nodded, and she saw genuine sympathy in his face.
"Of course you didn't," he replied. "But that doesn't change the facts." He squeezed the hand press again.
Lisa nodded, watching Caleb through her fingers. It was odd. He had said harsh words that should be unforgivable, but she wasn't that upset with him. Or Ben, really. They were different from Jackson, more sympathetic and rational- especially Caleb. If he was lashing out at her like this, then maybe she was in the wrong.
And they were right in a way- she didn't really understand what Jackson did or why it was so important to him. She would probably never understand why it was so important, but maybe that wasn't the point. Maybe she was supposed to support the fact that it was, even if she didn't understand why.
She closed her eyes tightly, breathing deeply. She could leave, assuming her and Caleb's deal was still on the table, and let Jackson go on his way. She could keep demanding that he chose between them, which was looking less and less like the right thing to do. Or, she could stay with Jackson, dangerous job and all, accept the fact that she would be worrying about him whenever he wasn't around, and get used to the idea that he killed people for a living.
Lisa took a deep breath. It was obvious that this wasn't a decision that could or should be made immediately. She had thought that she had made her choice, but she could look past the nasty words and see the message behind Ben and Caleb's accusations and attacks. They definitely had a point, and it was a slap of reality. She raised her head, watching Caleb over her fingers.
"I don't think you're a chickenshit," she said softly. He shook his head, sighing softly.
"Thanks," he replied. "But again...you don't really know, do you?" Lisa frowned, lifting her head from her hands.
"You've been there for all of us during this," she insisted. "You've helped keep me together, and you definitely gave me some things to think about." She leaned forward, kissing him on the cheek. "You keep telling me that people make mistakes and I shouldn't get too down on myself. Whatever it is you did, it can't be that bad." She smiled reassuringly, getting to her feet.
Caleb looked up, following her with his eyes as she headed for the balcony. "I know it's your decision," he called after her. "But please don't hurt him. He's actually a decent guy when he's not trying to be an asshole."
Lisa's smiled faded, a sharp stab running through her chest. She nodded, unable to form a verbal response, and walked onto the balcony. She sat down, positioning herself to dangle her legs between the bars. She leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the cold metal. She kicked her feet in the air, closing her eyes again. She felt so lost- what the hell was she supposed to do now?
Caleb got to his feet. Time to be the good guy again. Before coming into the room, he had sent Ben a text message letting him know that they were going to run a blitz on Lisa. A blitz was Jackson's creation, psychologically designed to either change a mark's mind or force a quick decision by having at least two agents bombarding them and each other with accusations and questions, getting the target worked up to the point that they didn't know which direction was up anymore and started questioning themselves.
It wasn't difficult to do in theory, but sometimes it left Caleb with a bad taste in his mouth. He had to say things that he normally would never say, such as supporting the agency and agreeing that Jackson should stay. He had approached it from Jackson's viewpoint since he himself didn't agree with it. The rest of it, however...the words were harsher than he would have preferred to use, but he did believe them. Ben's decision to throw Caleb leaving the agency back in his face had been a genius touch, even if it was a rather low blow. Ben was always better at these kinds of things anyway- it was the Brooklyn in him. Caleb was too midwestern to comfortably confront someone like that.
Caleb sighed heavily. They had run their blitz, and now he had two options: he could work to make Lisa keep questioning her ultimatum and reinforce that she should accept Jackson for how he was, or he could use the fact that Jackson wasn't going to quit the agency to convince her to walk away.
He honestly couldn't decide which direction would be better anymore. What would Jackson do if Lisa left? Would he go back to his old self and withdraw again, or would he continue to evolve? If he actually continued to change, what would that be like? How different would he become? And what would happen to Lisa if she decided to stay? Would she actually accept what Jackson did, or would she just convince herself that she did and eventually snap?
Caleb rubbed the back of his neck, walking toward the minibar. And what would Jackson do to him if he drove away Lisa? Thank him? Punch him? How much would it change their already-frayed relationship? He pulled out two Diet Cokes and walked out to the balcony. He placed one of the sodas next to Lisa and sat down in one of the chaise lounges.
It was so frustrating- he probably wanted Jackson to quit more than Lisa did, but he knew and understood his brother's reasons, even if he didn't agree with them. More than anything, he wanted Jackson to be happy, but there didn't seem to be a way for everyone to get what they wanted.
He popped open the soda, watching Lisa. His eyes trailed up her legs and over her the delicate curve of her spine, resting on the profile of her pixie-like face. There was no mystery as to why Jackson was in love with her. She was beautiful, clever and vivacious. Even with this frustrating development, she had been astoundingly accepting of the life that she had been exposed to. It could be argued that she didn't have much of a choice, but not many people would have been pragmatic enough to bite the bullet and actually go along with Jackson.
"I'm not manipulating him," Lisa argued softly as she turned to face him, and Caleb couldn't help but feel sympathetic. He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to stand his ground. He wanted to take it back, but it would defeat the purpose. He had chosen the word carefully because it was harsh.
"So it's never occurred to you how much power you have over him right now?" he asked, slight accusation in his tone. The guilty expression on Lisa's face gave her away, and he nodded. "Thought so."
"That's not fair," she protested, but she wasn't whining. "He asked me if I'd stay with him if he still worked with the agency, and my answer is no. And it's not because I have a problem with the killing- fine, it kind of is-" she conceded when Caleb arched one eyebrow. "-but with all the betrayal and everything...how could I be okay with it? I honestly think it'd be the best thing for him."
"For him or for you?" he asked, lighting a cigarette. "Trust me- I'd love it if he quit. But he won't, and no one can make him. And if what you want is for him to be legit, open, and all that shit...you fell in love with the wrong brother." Caleb's gaze shifted quickly to the ground. Where had that even come from?
"You think I should want you instead?" Lisa asked, walking over to sit on the end of his chaise lounge. Caleb pulled his knees closer, making room for her. She looked irritated, which made him nervous. "Is that what this is about?"
He shook his head vehemently. "Absolutely not," he insisted, but an indescribable doubt nagged at him. It was never his intention, but was there some jealousy underlying in his motivations? Was that why he tried to convince Jackson to walk away one moment and then insisted to Lisa that it would never happen the next? He continued to avoid her gaze as she took the cigarette from his hand. "It's just that you want to change him so much that it makes me wonder if you're in love with him or what could be."
He forced himself to look at Lisa again, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I really didn't mean it like that," he repeated. Even if he did feel some superficial attraction to her, which he hadn't really thought about, he could never do that to Jackson. Ever.
Lisa took a drag, handing the cigarette back to Caleb. She leaned against his shin, wrapping an arm around his knee. "Sorry I jumped on you," she said softly, sighing. "I'm just really mixed up right now. I thought that I was doing the right thing." Caleb leaned forward, shrugging off his suit jacket.
"I get it," he replied. "You have to do what you think is right," he continued, loosening his tie and discarding it on the floor. "If you think you can be okay with what he does, then great." I guess. "But don't say you are if you aren't- it'll just make things worse." Lisa nodded.
"I'll figure it out," she explained, taking a drink from her soda. Caleb took a deep drag, annoyed with himself. He had ruined the blitz because of his own stupid indecision. He was too out of practice- he used to be better at this sort of thing. The fact that he actually cared about the target probably had something to do with it, too. He had been thinking too much about what was best for her, which defeated the purpose.
"I'm not as upset as I probably should be about killing Cheryl," he blurted, changing the subject and giving himself time to figure out the next step. He had been holding it in for too long, and Lisa was just strangely easy to talk to. He could see why even Cheryl had managed to bond with her. "I mean...I loved her at one point," he continued quickly when she stared at him in complete disbelief, "and we were good friends before that...but you know I've skipped out on vacations to avoid spending time at home." He shrugged. "We've just sort of...existed together for the last year or so. There's hasn't been much between us for a long time." He bit his lip, keeping himself from sharing their pathetic sex life.
Lisa frowned, sympathy in her eyes. "Are you just telling yourself that?" she asked, concerned. Caleb laughed softly, shaking his head sadly. Even when he had taken off work to help Jackson, he hadn't stuck around the house when he wasn't needed. He hadn't gone anywhere in particular- he just hadn't wanted to be there.
"We would have gotten a divorce eventually," he admitted. "I'm just sorry that it's come to this, but I don't really feel like I'm losing anyone that important." He cringed at just how heartless it all sounded. "Maybe those aren't the right words, but I guess I feel more sorry for her than myself." He sighed heavily. "Why didn't she just leave me? I wouldn't have fought it."
He took another drag. "No, Jackson thinks I'm avoiding it too. That's not it. And it's not that I want someone else or anything like that. I just don't love her anymore." He rested his forehead on his palm. "I don't even particularly like her anymore."
"I believe you," Lisa replied, taking the cigarette from him again. "Maybe it's because you've been hurt a lot before. Do you think you could be at the point where if someone hurts you like that, you just close yourself off to them? Or maybe you expect people to hurt you." Caleb shook his head again, closing his eyes.
"I know what you're getting at," he explained. "I didn't take what happened with my parents the same way Jackson did." He paused, trying to come up with the right words. He hadn't talked much about that subject in years. "I didn't take it as personally- my dad was sick in the head, and Mom had her reasons for staying with him. Don't get me wrong," he continued when Lisa gave him a skeptical look, "I didn't take it well, but it didn't fuck me up as badly."
"Maybe it did," Lisa insisted, "but in a different way, like you said. Well, 'fucked up' isn't really the right way to put it, but maybe that's why you wanted to be a doctor and couldn't stay in the agency- you want to help the hurt people just like Jackson wants to punish the ones who hurt them." She stared at him, her eyes questioning.
Caleb nodded. "It's possible," he replied. "I haven't thought about it as much. I don't like to dwell on the past. I just try to learn from it and then move on."
Lisa frowned, taking a drag. "I wish I could be more like that," she admitted sadly. Caleb looked up at her, reaching forward to cover the hand on his knee with his own.
"You really need to stop getting so down on yourself," he told her. Why couldn't she see how strong she was? In less than a week, she had gotten to Jackson better than anyone else, and if anyone had zero tolerance for weakness, it was his brother.
Lisa nodded. "I know," she replied. "It's just this really bad habit- I blame myself when things go wrong." She bit her lip, resting her head on Caleb's hand. "I'm starting to think I should just go to Minnesota after tonight." She looked at him. "If you're still offering."
Caleb swallowed hard. This was not what he had intended. How was he ever going to explain this to Jackson? "I thought you said you weren't making any decisions tonight," he reminded her. What was he doing? He should be encouraging this choice- it would keep her safe, and if she didn't plan on staying with Jackson, the sooner she left, the better. But...God, the whole thing was maddening.
Lisa closed her eyes. "I know," she conceded. "I'm really confused right now. And I'm sick of talking and thinking about how confused I am. I hate it- I'm not usually this pathetic about things."
Caleb rolled his eyes- good Lord, he understood that. "None of us are," he replied, taking the cigarette back. He hesitated before taking a drag as it occurred to him that there might still be a way to change her mind. He had accused Lisa of taking advantage of Jackson's confusion to get what she wanted. It was obvious that she looked to him for guidance, and he could easily use that to his advantage.
"Just do me a favor and at least let him talk to you about it first. I haven't had him break his hand on my face for years, but I don't really miss it much, so I'd rather not tell him that I talked you into leaving." Lisa laughed despite herself, and Caleb had to keep himself from wincing. It was too easy.
He took another drag and chased it with the soda. "Just keep in mind that what's happening isn't normal at all. First of all, this whole betrayal thing is completely unprecedented. Secondly, it's very rare that Jackson personally handles jobs anymore. The managers get involved only in the 'important' jobs. His life isn't really at risk as much as it used to be, if that's that you're worried about."
Lisa lifted her head, shooting Caleb a surprised look that told him that he had hit his target. "Are you just saying that?" she asked, her eyes pleading. He shook his head confidently.
"I'm completely serious," he replied. "A situation like this has never happened, as far as I can recall." He took another drink. "And like I said, he does this job because he thinks it's right- how can you fault him for that?"
Lisa frowned. "But you said there's nothing good about the job," she reminded him.
Caleb shrugged. "To me," he replied. "But he sees it completely differently." Lisa dropped her head back onto his hand with an irritated groan.
"Why do you do this to me?" she asked, frustrated. "You keep giving me all these options and you make them all sound completely legit." Caleb smiled sadly.
"If there were a 'right' way, I would have told you already," he explained. "Personally, I want Jackson to quit." He intentionally didn't elaborate. "That doesn't mean that I'm going to make much effort to convince him...just because I want it, doesn't mean it's right for him. I'd rather be back at the hospital than here, but I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned him now. Does that mean what I'm doing is right?" He sighed. "Fuck no- I'm killing people again. I never wanted to go back to that."
"I think I'm finally getting what you're saying," Lisa replied, shifting to lie next to Caleb. He slid over, giving her more room. She was silent for a moment, deep in thought. "Maybe I could stay with him," she pondered out loud. She leaned over and kissed Caleb's cheek. "I'm pretty sure I'd go crazy without you here," she told him, resting her head on his shoulder. "So thanks."
Caleb took a drag and frowned. "You're welcome," he replied half-heartedly, resting his head on hers. Even though it hadn't gone quite to plan, it was looking like he did accomplish his goal. He should have felt somewhat victorious, but instead, he felt dirty. He was being honest, but his goal was dishonest.
He had intentionally put Jackson over Lisa, which was to be expected, but it was to achieve an outcome he didn't particularly want. It was fairly obvious to him that Jackson wasn't going to leave the agency, but it now seemed possible that Caleb had set it up so regardless, Lisa would stay with him. And he had done so by taking the fact that at the moment, Lisa relied on him maybe as much as Jackson relied on her, and twisting it for his own means. He knew that she trusted him, and he had violated it.
"It's too late now anyway, isn't it?" Lisa asked, interrupting his brooding. Caleb took a drag and handed the cigarette back, waiting for her to continue. "I can't help him with Keefe and then say that I want him to quit...it doesn't work that way." She snuggled up against Caleb, who stared into the sky in disbelief. "I've already told him that I support him and I don't think he's a monster. I promised. I can't go back on it and now say that if he keeps doing his job, he's too evil or whatever for me." She turned her head, burying her face in Caleb's shoulder. "You were right about everything."
Caleb's throat tightened as he maneuvered his arm, cradling the back of Lisa's head in his hand. He felt her warm tears seeping through his shirt. He didn't know what promise she was talking about, but it was evident that she was backing down from her ultimatum.
"I'm horrible for screwing with him," she continued, her voice muffled. Caleb clenched his jaw. She was stronger than he thought. He had been thinking that her tears were because she was feeling trapped, but he realized that she was actually feeling guilty for even bringing it up. He ran his fingers through her hair, his own guilt easing. Maybe he hadn't done the wrong thing for her- maybe he hadn't condemned her.
Lisa pulled away from Caleb's shoulder, taking a drag from the cigarette. She shook her head at her own weakness. She had been trying to live in a fantasy world and trying to drag Jackson into it. Maybe- definitely- she didn't particularly like his job. But why did that matter? Like Caleb and Ben had said, who was she to try to force him into a life he didn't want?
What Caleb had said about falling in love with the wrong brother shook her. She studied the man next to her. He just wasn't the same. She felt comfortable around him, knew that she could talk to him, and even enjoyed being physically closer to him than she normally would with other men. But he wasn't Jackson.
She knew that she had had them pegged wrong. They both had their moments, obviously, but overall, Jackson was the more emotional brother, and Caleb was more prone to pragmatism. If Cheryl were Jackson's wife, would he react the way Caleb was? Hell, she wasn't his wife and he was still taking it more personally. If she left Jackson, would he look at it logically? From what Lisa could see, he had been trying- but failing- to use thought over desires.
She took another drag. She hated cigarettes, but she had to admit that she could feel herself thinking more clearly. She had been so, so stupid. She had put Jackson through needless stress at one of the worst times. Lisa took a final drag before passing the cigarette back. She knew that she had to focus on the plan, but after, she had to go to Jackson and tell him that she would stay by his side, regardless of his decision.
The problem wasn't the brother she had fallen in love with- it was her own hang ups. She had to remind herself yet again that she wasn't in the real world anymore. They didn't play by the same rules, and she couldn't hold Jackson to the old world fantasy she had anymore.
Jackson should be pleased with this latest decision, yes? Hopefully it's the end of Lisa's indecision. Again, it was brought on by the song used for the chapter's title. I've used it as inspiration for a lot of the relationship.
"Past the point of no return
No backward glances
Our games of make-believe are at an end.
Past all thought of "if" or "when"
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend."
And my favorite: "The bridge is crossed/So stand and watch it burn."
The scene went longer than I expected, so I guess Cheryl will live another chapter. But I swear to baby Jesus, she dies in 30. Guaranteed.
R&R as always. Working on another side story for this chapter's reviewers!