As usual, thanks to all my reviewers. I know I've said it again and again, but I wouldn't trade you guys for anything! You make all the constant obsessing about the next step totally worthwhile. A bunch of you point out little lines and scenes that stand out to you, and they're usually not the same part. You inspire me in your own ways, and you are the reasons the story goes the way it does. :D And a special thanks and welcome to my new beta, AmelyShine! Thanks for the hours spent on GoogleDocs going back and forth between writing, editing, and obsessing over Cillian! I intentionally didn't send previews this time around since this chapter doesn't split into sections well- I have a side story in the works that I'll send your way. And I'm sorry if this round of review responses goes on and on...I had amazing reviews for chapter 29. Love all of you!
MademoiselleGF: Aw, I still want to hear what you thought about the side story! :D Honestly, I wrote a lot of the blitz with you in mind- I know how you feel about Lisa's indecision. You're a new reviewer, but you're already one of my favorites! And thank you for what you said about my OCs- it's always nerve-wracking to write them because you assume the readers just won't give a shit about them, but I really enjoy fleshing them out. And Ben is quickly becoming one of my favorite to write- he's like a little breath of fresh air in all the tension, but still isn't unbelievably ditzy about it.
You're totally right about the savior complex and the fact that really, Lisa should have fallen in love with Jackson. She's the "good girl", and good girls want a "bad boy" that they can rehabilitate. But I hope you also notice that Lisa's becoming less and less of the "good girl" the more time she spends with these guys. So her attraction to Jackson is becoming less of a "I want to fix him" and more of a "I want him" kind of thing.
I love interacting with my reviewers! You guys are the reason I write the story...if I worried about just myself, I'd keep it in my head. :)
trudes193: Yep, Ben has his serious moments to emphasize exactly how much certain characters are on the wrong track. He had his serious moment with Jackson (the "trapping" conversation) and he's had two with Lisa (the blitz and the "you're pretty much useless to me" conversation when he's about to take her to the airport).
Guest(1): Sorry...no sexytimes planned for a while.
CharliRenee123: What would Lisa do without her voice of reason? Gah, you guys are tearing me apaaaaart! Some of you want the triangle, and some don't. :P No worries- I can honestly say that Caleb and Lisa's relationship probably won't progress beyond their minds, but there are definitely some tones of attraction between them. It will come out in more detail in this chapter (but I obviously won't just come out and say it, because Lisa doesn't realize it), but Lisa definitely has a bit of hero worship for Caleb more so than a real attraction to him.
Pirate Gyrl: Ah, another Phantom fan! (phan...blech) I really liked that song- I liked the music better than the lyrics, but very pretty. :D I actually liked the 2004 version- the tPonR scene is a visual of JxL relationship to me. The flames, the way they hold their bodies...it's all gorgeous to me. And oh yes- I definitely rooted for the Phantom too. :D
There was some honesty to everything they said- they just were more blunt than they might have been normally. So for both Ben and Caleb, they were saying what they felt. And Caleb knows on some level that Ben meant what he said (or he wouldn't have picked up on it so quickly), but he won't really acknowledge it. We'll see eventually how Jackson takes it, but for now...there are more pressing things to deal with (you'll see...it's not pretty).
AmelyShine: Love you, darling! You're right- as much as the team might bicker and spend years apart at times, they are very close when it comes down to it. Jackson and Ben can say that they hate each other, but they would miss the other if he died. :P And like Jamie reminded Jackson, they will have each other's backs. And they all kind of have that twin connection- Ben and Caleb definitely seem to read each other's minds at time.
I can't say enough how relieved I am that you guys actually like hearing about my OCs. I hate when writers bring them in just to serve a purpose but never expand them, but at the same time, I really worry that the readers won't really care. Especially now that I'm really getting deeper into them.
The boys gave tough love- she needed some to get her head on straight.
Guest(2): Okay, I was totally ready to post this chapter before your review, but I have to say that your choice of the word "mutually" totally caught me off-guard. Did you read my mind for this chapter? lol Thanks so much for your review, and I really hope that you continue to read and enjoy the story! :D
WARNING: This chapter is somewhat graphic and gets really dark. But I promise I'm not just being evil for the sake of it- there are reasons why everything happens the way it does! This is definitely the heaviest chapter I've written so far. At some parts, the POVs switch very quickly, so sorry if it gets confusing.
Chapter 30: Breakdown
Lisa bobbed on her toes, a mix of impatience and anxiety flowing through her veins. She tightened her grip on Caleb's arm as she scanned the street. Where was Ben?
As part of their cover, Lisa and Caleb had left the hotel at eight, having a late dinner and then taking in a show at the theater. She couldn't remember what she had eaten, what they had discussed, or the plot of the play. She just knew that they had been mere hours away from "the moment".
Now they waited for Ben to come pick them up and take them to her dad's house. She knew that talking to Caleb would make the time go by faster, but she had no words. He didn't seem to be doing much better, she observed, studying his face. Caleb's jaw was set, his eyes focusing on something that she didn't see. She wondered if this was unusual, or if this was part of some pre-killing ritual.
Finally, Ben's convertible pulled to the side of the road, and Lisa slid in the backseat next to Cheryl. The other woman had her head propped against the window and didn't even seem to notice her new seatmate. Her eyes were focused on her husband, who quickly sat in the front passenger seat as Ben pulled down the street again.
For his part, Caleb didn't turn around. He didn't even acknowledge Cheryl's presence as he lit a cigarette, rolling the window down a crack. Lisa watched the two men in the front seat with fascination. She would finally get to see what happened right before a job, and she anticipated learning more about Jackson's world.
Unfortunately, neither Ben nor Caleb spoke, and Lisa frowned slightly. She had imagined more discussion, had expected them to talk about the plan and make sure that everything was happening as expected. A movement out of the corner caught her eye and she watched Cheryl lean forward, whispering something in Caleb's ear. Lisa's frowned deepened as Caleb clenched his jaw.
"You too," he replied, his voice like gravel. Lisa waited for any indication of what had been said, and curiously observed Ben shaking his head. Had he heard? She bit her lip as Cheryl wrapped her arms around the seat, hugging Caleb's chest as she continued murmuring in his ear.
Caleb's rolled his cigarette back and forth between his fingers as his hand receded from the window, and Lisa briefly wondered if he was about to burn Cheryl with it. Instead, Caleb simply squeezed Cheryl's arm with his free hand and began to pry her away from him. Without hesitation, Lisa leaned forward, helping pull Cheryl back from Caleb. It wasn't too difficult- the woman was obviously exhausted.
Cheryl turned to face Lisa as though noticing her for the first time, one perfect eyebrow raised. "The Little Princess playing with the big boys," she taunted, and Lisa narrowed her eyes. She didn't even recognize the woman from Jeff's house- this one had no heart and felt no pain.
"Why don't you just leave him alone?" she snapped, but sat back in her seat when Caleb raised his free hand dismissively. He was apparently beyond caring what Cheryl said to him- maybe he had been telling the truth.
Cheryl just laughed, turning her attention on Ben. "No music?" she asked, feigning curiosity.
Ben shook his head. "Don't need to get pumped up to kill someone like you," he replied, his voice surprisingly even. Caleb turned to look at him.
"Oh, play some," he ordered. "She's not special." Ben glanced over at him, and finally hit the play button on his iPod, sighing heavily. Lisa flinched as loud rap music blared through the car's stereo, rattling the windows. She had no idea who was the artist- she wasn't familiar with rap music. Watching Caleb imperceptibly bob his head in time with the beat, almost as a reflex, Lisa wondered if this was a ritual for them.
Before long, Cheryl leaned over toward Lisa, propping her weight on one elbow as she spoke into her ear. "Don't let him fall in love with any nice girls," she implored, surprising the hell out of Lisa. She turned her head, gaping at the other woman in disbelief. The woman from the previous night was back, her face clouded in a myriad of emotions. Lisa didn't even know how to respond to that, so she stared dumbly in the direction of the front seat. Neither man seemed to notice their conversation.
"He's not a nice guy," Cheryl continued, and Lisa couldn't hear any condescension in her voice. "He can be as cold and calculating as Jackson wishes he could be." She leaned back, and Lisa could barely hear her over the sound of the vibrating bass. "I forgot that, I guess."
Lisa frowned. Yes, Caleb was often abnormally rational and pragmatic, but how could Cheryl say that he wasn't nice? The other woman had known the man for six years, and they had been married for four, which would normally lead Lisa to assume that Cheryl knew Caleb better than she ever would, but she had seen nothing to indicate that he was a bad guy. In fact, she didn't know why both he and Cheryl insisted that he was so ruthless- she had seen a hell of a lot more sympathy from him than she had from Jackson. Or was this Cheryl's way of telling her that Caleb planned his emotional responses? She found that incredibly hard to believe...it was beyond ridiculous.
"That's what I fell in love with, you know." Lisa found herself leaning toward Cheryl to hear her better. This entire conversation- if she could even call it that- was so bizarre that she didn't want to miss any of it. "I know that he'll be okay." Cheryl smiled faintly, and Lisa didn't feel as though she was even being talked to anymore. It felt more like Cheryl was talking to herself, and Lisa was just a witness. It was what she imagined the final confession of a death row inmate to be like.
"They're hard to resist, aren't they?" Cheryl smiled knowingly. "They're exciting...dangerous..." She winked. "And amazing in bed." Lisa blushed lightly, an involuntary smile tugging her lips. That's putting it mildly. She stared at the other woman, still not able to form any kind of reply- not that Cheryl seemed to want one. She couldn't help but wonder...if Cheryl hadn't betrayed the Rippners and the agency, could they have possibly been friends? If Caleb and Jackson were so similar in certain ways, did that mean that she actually had a lot in common with this fallen woman?
The thought made Lisa turn cold, and she shivered. She had killed and helped kill multiple men, and hadn't felt regret so far. It was hard to think objectively about Cheryl since she hadn't known her much before she and Jackson had taken off for Oklahoma, but Caleb had been in love with her at one point, and it sounded like she and Jackson had been friends. Something had obviously gone wrong at some point to turn Cheryl into the enemy.
Lisa thought back to Jeff's room, when Jackson relayed his conversation with Cheryl. She had said that Caleb was nothing after he left the agency, and that she couldn't respect him anymore because he had lost his convictions. It had seemed sick at the time, but Lisa bit her lip, wondering if she could possibly feel the same way if Jackson ever did quit his job.
"Stop screwing with me," she finally said to the other woman through clenched teeth. She also recalled Jackson telling her that 'we', meaning people like him, always had ulterior motives. They knew exactly what they were doing, exactly what they were saying. Cheryl was obviously trying to get under her skin, to make her question herself. Jackson had told Lisa that Cheryl told him about her pregnancy just to upset him, so why wouldn't she hesitate to make Lisa feel awful if given the chance?
Cheryl recoiled, and if Lisa didn't know any better, she would say that the other woman was hurt. "Think what you want," she replied coldly, and Lisa hated herself for feeling regret. Were these more mind games, or had Cheryl actually been opening up to her in her final moments? She crossed her arms, sighing as her eyes closed. She hated these moments- she felt like she had ridden for too long on one of those spinning playground rides...she couldn't remember what they were called...the kind where you would hold onto the bars and run in a circle before jumping on the spinning metal and riding until you felt ready to vomit. Sometimes she and her friends could get it spinning so quickly that she would lose her grip and fly to the gravel.
I need a cigarette. Lisa frowned slightly, wondering where that strong urge had come from. She had shared two cigarettes with Caleb, but since when was she addicted? If she was addicted, why did she never smoke with Jackson? She tilted her head to the side, these new questions intriguing her. She was pulled from her odd pondering by a cold hand on hers, and looked down to see Cheryl's hand begin to slide the wedding ring from her finger.
Against her better judgment, Lisa allowed Cheryl to take the piece of jewelry. The woman said nothing, but the odd expression of sorrow and confusion on her face was so strong that Lisa felt obligated to look away. She instinctively felt as though she should give Cheryl privacy, and shrank back when she noticed Caleb's eyes staring into hers, questions swimming in those blue eyes that were darkened by the night.
She immediately broke his gaze and stared out her window instead. She had no answers to give him.
Before too long, she recognized the streets, realizing that they were in her old neighborhood. "I checked it out," she heard Ben explained to Caleb as they approached Blossom Palms Lane. "It's a straight shot from the back of the house through the yard behind it to Hyacinth Avenue- no fences." Lisa almost reminded Ben that he could have just asked her, but figured that there wasn't any point. As Ben pulled the car in front of the house, Caleb reached into the glove compartment, pulling out a pair of black leather gloves and a small white cardboard box. He pulled a gun from the box and tossed the cardboard aside. Grabbing a second gun from the glove compartment, he tucked both into his and Lisa exited the car, Caleb pulling out Cheryl out of her seat. Lisa walked around to the back of the car as Ben popped the trunk, and she removed two
cans of gasoline. Her stomach lurched as she finally forced herself to look at the house that she had grown up in. Her knees almost buckled, but she quickly regained her composure, leading Caleb and a surprisingly-docile Cheryl to the back door.
No one spoke as Caleb reached in Lisa's blazer pocket, retrieving the house keys that she had taken before fleeing from her dad's still-warm corpse. Caleb entered first, holding the door open for Lisa. She walked past them and into the living room, dropping the cans on the floor when she saw the long-dried bloodstains on the rug.
Lisa knew that she should start right away. Caleb had told her to pour the gasoline on anything with sentimental value, so she picked up one of her gas cans as she walked upstairs slowly, careful not to trip on the steps. She stopped in her own bedroom first, splashing gasoline across her bed, her stuffed animals, and her carpet. She was numb. Anytime a memory tried to push its way into her mind, she blocked it out.
She trailed gasoline through the bathroom and made her way into her dad's bedroom, opening the curtains to let in the faint moonlight. She set down the can and stood in the room, giving up on trying to remain collected. She wished that she could remember the times she had slept in this bed, terrified of monsters in her closet. She wished that she could see her dad again, hear his voice...
Lisa crossed her arms over her chest as stronger memories permeated her brain. She picked up the gas can, sprinkling the pungent liquid as she traced the path that she and Jackson had traveled in this room. She splashed the carpet where they had swung at each other with their respective weapons, the bed where she knocked him down, beating him with her field hockey stick, and even on the bedroom door where they had grappled like wild animals. She exited the room, eyeing the half-wall that he had thrown her over right before she shot him, and shuddered as she recalled the excruciating pain that had racked her body.
Lisa knew that if the explosion worked, the rooms would be destroyed, but she wanted to make double sure that no trace existed. She wanted the source of those memories just as erased as the people they all felt like it had happened to another person. Was there really a time when her greatest fear was simply the dark? Was it really her and Jackson struggling for their lives? They had both changed so much, even in the last few days. She let the gas can tip sideways as she walked down the stairs again, leaving a trail of gasoline behind her.
Lisa tossed the empty container aside and headed back for the living room, grabbing the second can. She poured the liquid generously on where her dad had taken his last breath, shaking the can furiously to douse the entire room. She stalked into the hallway and covered the fainter traces of Jackson's blood on the hardwood floor, recalling how the cleaners had scrubbed for hours but were never able to completely get it out. Joe had been planning to order new flooring, but it was a moot point now, wasn't it?
Lisa grabbed the cordless phone from its holder, and briefly wondered if she should grab a photo. No- she had to leave this life entirely behind her. It was the only way. She gritted her teeth, angrily splashing the gasoline every which way as she headed back to the kitchen. Caleb and Cheryl were staring at each other silently, unnerving Lisa. They both looked so cold, so empty.
She set the can down on the kitchen floor, finally gaining Caleb's attention. "Ready?" she asked. He nodded, roughly pushing Cheryl to the ground and kneeling over her. Cheryl leaned up, pulling Caleb down by his tie and pressing her lips to his. Lisa gritted her teeth, glad that she didn't have the gun in her hand. What a manipulator... Caleb allowed the kiss to linger for a few seconds, much too long for Lisa's taste, before placing one hand on Cheryl's chest, firmly pushing her back to the ground. He bent down, whispering in Cheryl's ear. Cheryl placed her hand in her husband's, giving him her ring and placing one last kiss on his cheek. Caleb shoved the ring in his pocket and pulled away, nodding at Lisa again.
Lisa quickly dialed 911, forcing herself to look away from the tears forming in Cheryl's eyes. She watched Caleb pull one gun from his belt, the same gun that she had used to kill the two government agents. Marie had overnighted it to Miami so they could use it in the shooting.
"This is Lisa Reisert," she said, not having to feign the bitterness and desperation in her voice as she heard the 911 operator answer her call. "It's over- leave my family alone." She hung up the phone and dropped it on the floor. The police would trace the signal and know that she was at her dad's house seconds before the explosion- it gave them more reason to assume that the body was hers.
They were firmly locked into place now- there was no time to waste. Lisa held her breath, watching Caleb press the gun to his wife's head, waiting for him to pull the trigger. Nothing happened. Caleb was frozen in place, his eyes wide in panic. Lisa chewed on her bottom lip- obviously, Cheryl meant more to him than he realized.
"Caleb?" she prompted, but got no response. What was she supposed to do now? The police would be on their way shortly, and knowing that Lisa was likely still in the area, they wouldn't be wasting any time.
For her part, Cheryl was staring back at Caleb in disappointment, which confused Lisa. Wouldn't this make her happy? Didn't she want to live, to sabotage their plans and ruin them both? She bounced on the balls of her feet in anticipation. There wasn't time. It was apparent that Caleb couldn't handle it, so that left everything to her.
She knelt down, quickly grabbing the gun from Caleb's hand. He didn't even seem to notice, his gaze fixed on Cheryl. He was breathing quickly, almost hyperventilating, and his eyes were wide open in what now appeared to be horror. As Cheryl turned her attention to Lisa, the brunette shoved the gun against her temple and pulled the trigger without giving herself time to second-guess her decision.
Almost simultaneous to the gunshot, she heard Caleb cry out and felt an explosion of pain on her cheek as he backhanded her, sending her sprawling onto the kitchen floor. He quickly pulled himself to his feet and Lisa sat up again, bending Cheryl's arm toward her head and placing the gun loosely in her hand. She heaved, using all of her concentration not to throw up as her gaze rested on the blood, brain, and bone fragments splayed across the kitchen floor.
"Move!" Caleb hissed, grabbing Lisa by the arm and yanked her to her feet, sending shooting pain through her shoulder. Lisa grabbed the kitchen counter to regain her balance as Caleb doused the kitchen in gasoline, leaving the can by Cheryl's body. He looked mechanical, and Lisa hardly recognized him. He leaned forward and grabbed her arm again, roughly pulling her from the kitchen.
He left the door wide open and once they were on the lawn, he turned, pulling the second gun from his pocket. Quicker than Lisa could imagine, he aimed the gun and fired into the kitchen. The bullet had been altered, a small piece of flint shoved through a drilled hole in the tip and as such, a shower of sparks rained down on the gasoline as the bullet grazed the steel stove-top instantly igniting the liquid.
Lisa couldn't look away as she watched the room go up in flames and the upstairs windows begin to glow as the fire instantly ate through the gasoline. It felt like an eternity, but was probably less than a second, before Caleb pulled her away yet again. He practically dragged her across the lawn, running toward Hyacinth Avenue. Lisa didn't even attempt to pull from his grip. There was a stiffness to his body language that sent dread racing through her veins. It had been too much for him- Ben should have taken care of this. Jackson couldn't have, because he wasn't accurate enough to make the shot that Caleb had.
"Caleb," she began again as they approached Ben's car. He didn't respond, opening the back seat and shoving her inside before taking his place next to Ben. The other man said nothing, quickly taking off. They wanted to be well away from the area before the explosion woke the neighborhood, and the cops could be arriving at any moment.
Lisa whimpered involuntarily when she heard the loud explosion behind them, letting herself fall across the back seat. She put her fingertips to her throbbing face, willing herself not to cry as Ben raced toward the freeway. She wouldn't be the weak link.
She wasn't angry at Caleb for hitting her. He was obviously not ready for what had happened, but she didn't regret doing it. He didn't look like he would, and they had to get out of there. As much as she hated the default excuse, it had to be done. She pressed her face against the leather seat, clutching her stomach, and riding out the waves of nausea.
They had done the right thing. The agency's traitor was dead and Lisa's family was safe. Her name would never be cleared and her family would think that she was dead, but...they were safe. That was the important thing. She couldn't block out the thoughts of her childhood memories burning to the ground, and wished Jackson was there- she longed to curl up against him and be held, even if it was weak of her. She closed her eyes, imagining him sitting next to her so she could rest her head on his thigh and he could run his fingers through her hair.
In her mind, she saw her dad's face. She was grateful at least that he had received a quick death, that he hadn't suffered. She sighed deeply, silently reassuring him that she was okay, that she could be happy with her decisions. She knew that he was looking down on her from Heaven, and that he could hear her. It was odd, but she felt that just maybe he would have approved of what she was doing and the new men in her life- Jackson, Caleb, and even Ben.
They're good guys, she told him. I'm happy with them...mostly. They're killers, but...it's not that bad, really. And they'll help me make it out of this alive- I promise. I'm fine...and yes, I'm sure.
Lisa had no idea if Caleb and Ben spoke during the drive- she was too wrapped in her comforting world. She was pulled back to reality as the car stopped and she quickly sat up, readjusting her clothes and hair. Caleb opened her door and offered his arm, his expression almost back to normal. Lisa could see that it was an act, but she accepted his arm, wishing Ben a good night. He was staying at his apartment for the night to avoid anyone seeing them coming back together. He gave a quick wave of his hand and pulled away, leaving 'the Rippners' on the sidewalk a few blocks from The Pointe.
Lisa glanced up at Caleb as they walked, but he said nothing. He didn't acknowledge her at all, seeming to be lost in thought. She leaned her head against his shoulder, trying to offer him silent comfort. She frowned as she felt him tense- was he going to be able to get over this? His behavior reaffirmed that Lisa had made the right choice. If he had pulled the trigger, he might never have forgiven himself. She felt a small sadness ripple through her, and wished that she could be back in her fantasy.
Within minutes, they arrived at the hotel and headed toward the elevator, Lisa exchanging "good nights" with the receptionist. As she and Caleb got in the elevator, he pulled away slightly, his hand squeezing her forearm. She frowned, knowing that Caleb losing his composure as they made their way down the hallway. His grip tightened as he pulled her into the dark room, shutting the door behind them.
"Cal-" she began, but he cut her off, grabbing her upper arms and shoving her hard against the door. Lisa winced as her head bounced against the cold metal, her heart racing with fear. She hadn't those ice blue eyes full of rage since Jackson had attacked her in her father's house.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Caleb hissed, leaning his head down so that their faces were inches apart. Lisa stammered, trying to find the right words. She was only trying to help. She placed her hands on Caleb's wrists, trying to pry him off, but he was too strong. Even in the dark room, she could see the intense anger burning in his eyes.
"I thought-" she tried to explain, but apparently Caleb didn't want to hear any excuses or reasons. He cut her off by slamming his mouth over hers, pushing her head harder against the door. For a brief second, Lisa wanted to return his kiss. She wanted to erase Cheryl's kiss, and make him forget just for a moment that she ever existed. Just as quickly as it had come, the searing desire vanished as she felt Caleb's slender fingers digging sharply into her flesh. Her whole body tensed against his kiss, and she feebly attempted to push him off of her once again. Nothing about this felt right.
Caleb didn't budge- in fact, he pressed his entire body tightly against hers, their chests colliding violently and his legs trapping hers against the door. She was completely defenseless, and she knew it. Lisa retreated deeply into her mind, just has she had...the last time. It wasn't happening- it couldn't be happening. There was absolutely no way in Hell that Lisa was there, her security being violated by a man that she was supposed to be able totrust, while Jackson slept somewhere in the same building, unable to help her. No one could help her.
Caleb pulled her away from the door without breaking the kiss, gripping her hair tightly in his fingers and wrapping his other arm around her shoulders, pressing her tightly against his chest. Lisa suddenly was pulled back into the present, and she felt an abrupt change in the air. She knew that she should be terrified, disgusted, but she could taste the hot desperation in his kiss. A strong pain jolted through her heart, a mix of anger at how he was treating her and an overwhelming, irrational sympathy. Caleb wasn't just some asshole pinning her to a door- she knew better than that. Something was very wrong with him.
She moaned in protest, placing her hands on his chest and trying to give him one more shove. She felt his hands move to her shoulders, and he gave her a hard push, sending her stumbling against the door again. She braced herself against the door, trying in vain not to fall to the her knees. She and Caleb stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. His face was twisted in a violent emotion that she couldn't understand. Lisa brought a hand to the back of her head, trying to sooth the throbbing pain as Caleb quickly turned away from her. Her mouth was bone dry- no words would come. And even if they could, what exactly was she supposed to say? She slid up the door, letting her hand fall to the doorknob as she debated whether or not she should run. But where would she go? She didn't know which rooms Ben or Jackson were staying in. And even if she did, Ben wasn't even in his room, and she didn't have his phone number...
So what was she supposed to do? Stay there with this possessed man who had just attacked her? Who had hit her? She shook her head. If you really thought that way about him, you would have left already without thinking of the next step.Lisa shrank against the door when Caleb spun around again. He stormed over to the bed where his suit jacket still lay, and pulled a card from the pocket.
He approached her again, his face obscured by shadows. He refused to meet her eyes as he shoved the plastic card into her hand. "Jackson's in 1205," he spat, pulling her by the forearm away from the door and opening it. "You need to just get the fuck out of here- now." He gave her a final shove and tried to slam the door, but Lisa quickly jumped in the way, crying out in pain when her left arm was crushed against her ribs as the door rammed into her.
"I can't go to him," she insisted, her voice breaking as Caleb reappeared from the other side of the door, his eyes still seething. She knew that she was in no state to go to Jackson at the moment. She was too shaken...he would know immediately that something was wrong and she was a horrible liar. She was upset with Caleb of course, but more importantly, she wanted to know what had set him off so badly. This just wasn't like him, to say the least. Before she knew why he was acting like this, she couldn't go to Jackson. She couldn't imagine what he would do if she told him what had just happened, but she knew it wouldn't be good. Yet another understatement.
She hated to admit it, but there was a small part of her that was still terrified by what had just happened. Caleb had looked too much like Jackson had back in her father's house...she didn't think she could face either of them at the moment. Especially when she recalled that brief moment during which she had wanted it. She hadn't been confused- she had been well aware that it was Caleb kissing her, but she still had wanted it. How could she look Jackson in the eye and keep that a secret?
"I know something's wrong," she continued, and Caleb's lips curled into a faint sneer. "I'm going to have Ben come get me...I want to talk to you before Jackson finds out what you did, but..." She swallowed hard, trying to think of a delicate way to say it. "I'll give you your space first. Alright?"
Mentioning the consequences of Jackson finding out seemed to sober Caleb somewhat. He nodded, fishing in his pocket for his phone and shoving it into her outstretched hand before firmly shutting the door, forcing Lisa to step back into the hallway. She quickly pulled up Ben's number- Caleb only had two numbers in his contacts- and hit dial.
"It's Lisa," she said when she heard Ben answer the phone. She could hear the traffic on his end, and knew that he must not be home yet. "Can you come get me?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady. She knew that Ben cared a lot more about Caleb than her, and if she made it sound like something was really wrong, he would probably just show up for him and leave her stranded.
Caleb paced back and forth across the room, tightly gripping his own hair with his fingers. He approached a decorative vase on the dresser, and sent it crashing to the floor with one hit. He stormed out onto the balcony and gripped the railing tightly, leaning out to look at the street below. Walking back into the room, he picked up the box of bullets and threw them at the nearest wall, leaving a dent in the painted plaster.
"Why?" Ben replied, sounding slightly irritated. Lisa bit her lip, trying not to take his tone personally. It was an odd request.
"Caleb wants to be alone and Jackson is sleeping...I don't want to bother him," she replied, figuring it wasn't exactly a lie. Ben sighed."Just wake him up," he snapped, yawning. He just probably really wanted to get home and sleep. "He's been sleeping since before we left- he might be awake already." Lisa bit her lip. Why couldn't he just make this easier?
Cheryl was dead. And worse, Caleb had had to stand there and watch Lisa of all people pull the trigger because he couldn't do it himself. No, he would have, for fuck's sake- she didn't let him. He knew that things had been over long before this incident, but to stand there and watch the woman's brains blown across the cold kitchen floor, stare into those lifeless green eyes...
He ran into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. It was just too much. He quickly rinsed his mouth, and threw the glass against the mirror, causing both to shatter.
"But he'll want to talk about tonight, and I don't really want to," Lisa insisted, giving him another sort-of truth. She winced, hearing crashes coming from hers and Caleb's room. She hoped she was doing the right thing by leaving him like that. "Please?"
"So don't bring it up. Since when does he start conversations about feelings?" Ben retorted, and Lisa remained silent. She had no response to that. He sighed, sounding annoyed. "Fine," he conceded. "You're obviously not going to let it go." Lisa felt fresh tears silently slide down her cheeks. She really didn't need his attitude right now. She had been trying to hold it together so far, but she was losing the battle.
Caleb angrily wiped hot tears away from his eyes. He was disgusting. There was absolutely no excuse. But what Lisa had done...who the hell did she think she was? Who was she to come barging into their lives and turn everything upside down? Caleb grabbed the tray on the bathroom counter with both hands, sending the entire set of glasses crashing to the floor. There was no excuse. But...God, killing his wife in front of his eyes? He hated her. He despised her. He wanted her to burn, and had known exactly how to do it. But no...he was too much of a chickenshit to go through with that, either...thankfully.
"Thanks," Lisa managed, closing the phone before he could reply. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, but more tears fell. She walked down the hallway, trying to remain objective. What was the "right" thing to do in this kind of situation? She kept reminding the tiny protesting voice that she knew Caleb enough to know that he wouldn't just attack her because he was upset. So how could she turn him over to Jackson, for whom hitting women was definitely a sensitive subject? But how could she let him get away with it?
Get a grip, Leese- it's not like he punched you, and it was just a kiss. An unwanted kiss, and he wasn't going to stop. But he did. He stopped himself. If he hadn't...Lisa shook her head. He had. That was the important thing, right? Can you punish someone for what they almost do? Well, she couldn't even really say that he had almost raped her...it hadn't even been close. So it was more like punishing him for what he was theoretically capable of doing...wasn't it? Lisa shook her head firmly, exiting the elevator. She was starting to sound like Caleb, always justifying things and bringing logic to places where it didn't seem to belong. But she actually found that it was helping her to look at it that way- it left no room for the painful memories the moment had brought to light and the heavy emotions it provoked.
Caleb walked back into the main room. He couldn't have really done that to her, could he? It was despicable, the lowest of the low. But she had it coming. He knocked over one of the chairs, ignoring the cracking sound it made against the floor. He made his way to the mini bar and grabbed a small bottle of vodka, dropping into a different chair.
No...she hadn't deserved any of it, and he knew it. He drank the entire bottle and coughed violently, hitting himself once in the chest. What the fuck had he been thinking? In was inexcusable, unforgivable, disgusting...he couldn't even think of enough words to describe what he had done to her.
Caleb tossed the empty bottle aside and buried his face in his hands, roughly rubbing his cheeks and forehead. How the fuck was he ever going to be able to apologize for this? How would he ever be able to forgive himself for taking one of the most traumatic experiences of Lisa's life and using it against her? What would happen when Jackson found out?
And how? How had it even happened? How had he lost control of himself so horribly? He didn't even like the bitch, for Christ's sake. Yes, he had had a moment of weakness in Jeff's house where he had thought that he still loved her, but he had been caught up the emotions of the moment. It had passed. Why had it been so difficult to pull that trigger? What was so massively wrong with what Lisa had done? Nothing. She had been trying to help- he could see that now. What was wrong with him?
Echoes of a distant memory plagued his brain. He heard his father yelling, his mother screaming. Caleb rose to his feet quickly and raced for another bottle of vodka. He wasn't his father. He knew he was better than that. He knew it, but how the hell had this happened? He drank from the bottle and dropped onto the bed, groaning loudly. Vodka was his drink of choice, but he wasn't used to having it straight. But then, he wasn't really drinking for fun, so it seemed pointless to make it taste better.
He hadn't been lying when he had told Lisa that the past hadn't affected him as much as it did his brother. Why was it all coming up now? Caleb threw the empty bottle across the room, but it simply bounced on the carpet. He felt so drained. He felt like such an asshole. And more than anything else, he just felt pathetic. He closed his eyes, but all he saw was Lisa, her eyes wide and full of terror...and sympathy?
He groaned, bringing a hand to his forehead. It just didn't feel real. New images flashed through his mind, Robert's life draining away in front of his eyes, the sickening crunch of that man's- what the hell was his name?- trachea smashing under his boot heel. And now Lisa. The dull thud as her small body hit the door, rattling the hinges. Her terrified moan when he had kissed her. The stomach-churning rush of total power when he realized that she was struggling, but had no chance.
Had he really done all that? Did he really have a list of people he had killed that ran longer than Santa's fucking "nice kid" list? And why had he done it? As the alcohol began taking effect, Caleb's mind went back to the time that he hadn't really thought about in years. He remembered laying in his bed, listening to the sounds that his parents made so often that it almost became normal for him. No, not almost- it was normal.
He hadn't taken it like Jackson had. He had rationalized it, refusing to get as upset about it. He had rationalized it until it had made sense, and then dismissed it as just another event.
When he had the gun to Cheryl's head, all he could see was his mother on the floor and Jackson standing over her, threatening to kill her as he had just done to their father. The vivid memory had made his stomach churn, and he had been unable to take that final step. He had never really forgiven Jackson for what he had done. He gave it logic and cataloged it like the rest, but he had never really faced the fact that Jackson murdered their father in cold blood and then had turned the gun on their mother, just as he had never really faced what their father had done to their mother.
He didn't think he was angry with Jackson- in fact, he had always understood it- but he was realizing that he had never gotten closure. Neither of them had. Jackson faced it by refusing to allow any emotion other than apathy, and he had given it reason. Had he done it so well that it took facing not just the idea, but the reality of killing his own wife to bring back the fact that such things just couldn't be justified with logic? If so, Lisa was just an innocent bystander. Hell, taking the gun from him and doing it herself could very well have been the right thing to do.
Caleb kicked the nightstand in frustration, knocking it onto its side and sending the contents to the floor. What was he supposed to do with this? How could a person really get closure for an event that happened over a decade previously? He ran his hand over his chin and up his jaw, sighing heavily as he tugged on his hair. One thing was for sure- he had to apologize to Lisa and face Jackson- Hell, face both of them. He couldn't explain away his behavior with logic and reason like he might have done in the past, and there definitely couldn't be any "I don't know what I was thinking" or "I couldn't help myself".
Could he make either of them understand when he wasn't sure that even he really understood? Caleb's thoughts traveled back to his brother. He had been facing a lot of buried pain lately, and seemed to be getting closer to some kind of resolution. He had noticed time and time again the small changes in his twin, and had mentioned more than once that Lisa played a big role.
Maybe that was the problem. He had never really talked about his parents with anyone, even Jackson. They both had dealt with it in their own ways, keeping it private. Maybe he needed to open up to someone as well, but who? Who did he have that he could confide in? Jackson? His brother probably knew him the best out of anyone, but they had never been very good at talking openly with each other. Lisa? He hardly knew her, but she was so easy to talk to...but of course, she probably hated him now.
Caleb squeezed his eyes closed again, futilely fighting back his tears. He had never wanted so badly to talk to someone, but it wasn't an option. He pulled himself to his feet, swaying as he made his way back to the minibar. If he couldn't figure out this shit, drinking himself into a stupor seemed like the next best choice, and definitely the more appealing of the two.
The real question was if there any way to fix what he had done, and Caleb just didn't know the answer. He quickly drank the next bottle, grabbing the mini bar as his knees buckled. That shit was strong, burning his chest like the fumes of acetone, but not strong enough. He didn't want to feel anything. He brought his fist down hard on the mini bar top...not good enough- he still felt the pain in his hand and in his head. Caleb grabbed the last bottle of vodka and stumbled toward the door.
He didn't know if there was enough liquor in the world to help him, but he knew for sure that there wasn't enough in the room. Almost losing his balance as he turned around again, he headed for his jacket before remembering that Ben's room key was still in his pants pocket. "Fuck," he mumbled as he headed out the door. This was usually the point when he would stop drinking, but not tonight. He staggered down the hallway, drinking as he walked. Maybe he needed a mini paper bag to go with his mini bottle...
Ben pulled out his phone again as he drove toward the hotel. He wasn't dense- he could hear in Lisa's voice that there was something she wasn't telling him, and whatever it was made her not want to be with either Rippner. Despite how much he teased and provoked her, he didn't think she was stupid either. She knew damn well that Jackson of all people wouldn't prod her to talk about how she was feeling.
No, it was something else. And it was probably that same something between Caleb and Lisa as they had left Joe Reisert's house. Lisa had called from Caleb's phone, so Ben couldn't contact him. He decided to do the next best thing and dialed Jackson's number.
He wasn't surprised when he was greeted by an alert-sounding Jackson. He had always figured that Jackson had somehow programmed himself to never sleep through a phone call, especially on the night of a job. Robo-Jackson is unimpressed with your assumptions, Benjamin.
"Lisa's staying at my place tonight," he explained, skipping the pleasantries. "She won't tell me why, but I'm pretty sure something's up with Caleb- you should probably check on him."
"What went wrong?" Jackson asked tensely, and Ben picked up on the rarely-heard concern in his voice. He had no idea why the two brothers insisted on having that tension between them when they obviously meant the world to each other, but it wasn't his business.
"Nothing that I know of," he replied honestly. "But they were both acting pretty strangely on the ride back, and Lisa sounded pretty upset. She was trying to hide it, but she's a lousy actress." He shrugged. "It might be just as simple as they both had a shitty night, but I don't know."
"Maybe," Jackson replied, but he didn't sound convinced. "I'll go see him, and-" He abruptly stopped, and Ben couldn't help but smile faintly. The guy really was a softy under that hard exterior sometimes.
"I'll take good care of her," he assured his former teammate. "Promise." He grinned. "And I don't mean it like the agency 'take care of her' kind of thing," he continued, unable to resist teasing Jackson. "I'll try very hard to be nice to her." It wouldn't be that hard. He didn't dislike Lisa- in fact, he was rather fond of her most of the time. He just didn't like being used or lied to, and that wasn't so unreasonable, was it?
Against his better judgment, he continued, his voice now grave. "You should have seen them leaving that house. He was pulling her by the arm like he wanted to rip it from her socket and she was just some rag doll...something happened, but I don't know what. They were totally silent the entire ride back...like they were both in some other world." He had meant to keep that part from Jackson. He knew that he could be reading too much into it, and also knew his friend well enough to know that he wouldn't take it well. "Cheryl was totally fucking with Caleb most of the ride there- hugging him, wishing him a fucking happy anniversary, for Christ's sake. And she and Lisa definitely had some kind of chat in the backseat that Lisa didn't seem to appreciate much."
"I see," was all Jackson said, but Ben could hear the barely-contained anger rising in his voice. Ben frowned when he heard the line go dead. He should have kept his mouth shut. He hung up, pulling up to the entrance of the hotel where Lisa was waiting for him.
Caleb dropped against Ben's door, resting his head against the cold metal. He brought a hand to his face, rubbing his eyes with his fingers...nope, he was still crying. No good. He leaned forward and slammed his head back against the door. He shook his head roughly, trying to rid his mind of the image of Cheryl's scarlet blood splattered across the honey-colored wood floor, mixing with the gasoline like a macabre marble cake.
He reached his hand into his pocket to pull out the key card, but his fingers brushed against a small piece of metal. Caleb swallowed hard as he pulled out Cheryl's wedding ring, staring at it. He pursed his lips and his eyebrows furrowed as he watched the light bounce off the diamond, remembering how disgustingly happy he had been when he had proposed.
It wasn't really romantic- he had had to propose over the phone because of Jackson's efforts to keep them apart. But she had said yes, and...things had been good. Better than they had been in a long time. Caleb had actually thought that he was on his way to building a stable family. How wrong he had been.
Blinking the new tears out of his eyes, he slid the band onto his own pinkie- it would always serve as a reminder of how gullible he had been.
Caleb slid his hand down to the door and managed to unlock it, losing his balance as he fell into the room. He hit the carpet hard, his hands barely breaking his fall before his face followed. He slowly pulled himself to his feet, swaying dangerously as he staggered toward Ben's mini bar. He reached in, clumsily knocking the unwanted liquor to the carpet before grabbing the four vodka bottles...his new best friends.
"Whaddya think, Stoli?" he slurred, making his way to Ben's bed. "Why can't this guy keep his shit clean?" He dropped the bottles onto the bed and leaned over, clearing his friend's clothes and extra weapons from the comforter with an exaggerated shove. "I know, right?" He chuckled, dropping onto his stomach on the bed.
"Oh, Stoli," he moaned, rolling himself onto his back. "I fucked up." He slid his hand over the comforter, trying to find one of the bottles. "Real bad..." He opened the bottle, chugging the burning liquid. "Why am I like this?" he asked, but received no reply. "Can't talk to you either, can I?" Not even the vodka wanted to listen.
He grimaced- it was too damn hot in that room. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside. Actually...Stoli was a great listener. Just not so good at giving advice. Maybe that's why he loved her so much. Just listening- no judgment. He didn't have to worry about her thinking that he was a pathetic excuse for a man. He awkwardly unbuttoned his pants, slowly sliding them over his legs. Fuck. He sat up abruptly as the pants caught on his shoes, and almost fell on his face once again.
He glanced at the tiny bottles. "A little help?" He laughed loudly. "Oh, but you can't- you're a fucking bottle. Poor Stoli..." He reached down, pulling his shoes off his feet, throwing them across the room. He winced when he heard another crash- too loud. He obviously needed more liquor, and helped himself to yet another bottle. He couldn't even taste it anymore- he was definitely on the right track.
Caleb laughed loudly as he scanned the room. What a mess... Why was his head so heavy? He couldn't even keep it upright anymore. And his eyes just didn't want to stay open. What the hell? He was fine. He laughed again, trying to imagine if Jackson were there now...he'd probably call him a lightweight.
Well, fine. He was a lightweight. Made perfect sense. A chickenshit lightweight who beat women. Fantastic.
Caleb dropped onto his back again and rolled over with great effort, trying to pull himself to the pillows at the head of the bed. He gave up, dropping heavily to the mattress with a muffled groan. Too much effort...and he was so comfortable where he was. He didn't need to drink anymore anyway. He was already feeling much better.
Heavy stuff. Please R&R- chapter 31 is already on the way, and you lovely people really inspire me to get these out faster and better!
And I totally drank straight vodka while writing Caleb's drinking scene, because I needed to know what it tastes like. So if it got a little odd...blame Stoli. I've heard she's kind of a bitch anyway.