Merry Christmas to all of my beautiful readers- even if you don't celebrate it, I still hope you enjoy the day. :D
A personal little happy moment- I'm FINALLY graduating! I found the time between life and writing this story to actually pass some damn classes and get that degree.
I'm a little nervous about this chapter- it gets a little Ben-centric in the end, and since he's an OC, not sure how many people really care. :P But I like expanding on my OCs because I think it helps to enhance Jackson and Lisa, but especially Jackson...plus I love my little assassins. Also, because I decided to get Caleb completely hammered, he's still unconscious throughout this chapter. He should be up and ready for a fight next chapter though. Hope you enjoy!
Eva- I hear you there. Still wish I could send you little presents though. :) Thanks for the support on the pacing of the story- I always worry that it might be dragging.
Pirate Gyrl- I know- I loved writing big brother Jackson sooo much! But in my head, it will add to Jackson's anger when (if) he finds out what actually got Caleb so upset. One of those "you made me feel bad for you and blame myself" kind of things.
I wish I had a Ben around to tell me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. He's too much fun to write sometimes. He's kind of like Caleb but a bit more bitchy.
BW4eva- Looks like you didn't have to wait long. :P A bit of a spoiler alert- I think Caleb's going to be the one to tell Jackson. And in my head, it's not going to go well. Lisa definitely isn't about to make things even more difficult between them.
A little more tension...because there's just not enough yet:
Chapter 32: Wrong
Jackson tilted his head lazily, skimming through channels. He pulled his knees close, propping up his arms. He glanced down at Caleb, who slept next to him. He was bored- he had been sitting in that same room for six hours with nothing to do except watch television and occasionally force-feed Caleb water. He had debated going downstairs to get a newspaper, but couldn't be bothered to move.
He had stopped stressing hours ago- he could only go over the situation so many times before even that got old. Of course most of the news networks were covering the fire at Joe's house and Lisa. He had seen that same smiling photo more times than he cared to count. Most of the belief of her innocence had faded- now it was just the conspiracy theorists proposing that the government had killed her in some cover-up.
Only Lisa's mother had made any kind of public comment, and Jackson had found himself changing the channel quickly. That woman grated on his nerves- to him, her grief came across as bad acting. She wore clothes that were ten years too young for her and two sizes too tight, and she wore too much make up. Everything about her just seemed to scream for attention. He knew it was one hell of an accusation, but he didn't actually think that she didn't care about her daughter- just that she dialed it up, likely subconsciously.
She definitely piqued Jackson's curiosity, though. When he had watched Lisa, it was obvious that she had a close relationship with her father, but when he had seen them together at the funeral reception, he couldn't help but notice that there was space between them. Their hugs had been forced, and by the looks on their faces and their body language, the conversation seemed tense. From the way Lisa pounded the cheap wine and the disapproving glances her mother kept shooting her, Jackson could easily see how uncomfortable she had been.
Jackson had wondered then and again when he had watched the statement, which he could only describe as a press conference, what kind of relationship they had. There was a slim possibility that he was misreading the situation and this was how the woman expressed grief, but he just didn't think so. He wanted to ask Lisa about it, but knew that there was no tactful way to do so, so he left it alone.
It was beneficial to their purposes, but it still nagged at Jackson to have Lisa's name publicly dragged through the dirt like this. He had spent more than a few minutes wondering how different Lisa's life would be if he had never involved himself in the Keefe job, but then he stopped being stupid and remembered that Robert had been planning to kill her anyway.
Jackson yawned widely, resting his face in his palm. He wasn't used to feeling this way- like any job that may seem exciting, much of his time was spent waiting. And where the silence appeared, he had nothing left to do but think or distract himself. But this this time, distraction wasn't an option, and he had all but run out of things to think about. It was like watching the very tail end of a parade he never really wanted to see in the first place- the issues he had already thought about ad nauseum ran through his head, but he didn't pay much attention anymore.
He snapped his attention to the nightstand as his phone vibrated. Ben. Jackson flipped open the phone, holding it to his ear. "Yeah?" he greeted, staring up at the ceiling.
"Where are you?" Jackson was momentarily taken aback when he heard Lisa's voice, especially by the concern in her tone. They must have seen the state of Caleb and Lisa's room.
"Ben's room," he replied. "Caleb's with me." He rolled his eyes slightly when he heard her relay the message to Ben. It was a tiny peeve of his- why couldn't people wait until they were off the phone to do stuff like that?
"We'll be there in a minute," she told him. "Are you okay?" Jackson furrowed his brows, straightening his posture against the headboard.
"Am I okay?" he repeated. Why would she even ask that? Well, he was thrown off by what was going on, but he would bet his condo that it didn't even compare to what Lisa had gone through. And yet here she was, asking him if he was okay.
"Yeah," Lisa replied. "You seemed kind of upset last night." Jackson couldn't help but grin in disbelief.
"I seemed upset," he paraphrased, shaking his head. "Why are you even..." he trailed off, unsure of what he was trying to say. This was so strange to him.
"Why wouldn't I?" she asked. He laughed nervously.
"Because..." he replied hesitantly, "...I should be asking you." He turned to the door as it opened and Ben walked in, followed by Lisa. She locked eyes with Jackson, still holding the phone to her ear.
"But you know better," she reminded him, a strange glint in her eyes. For all intents and purposes, she looked the same, but Jackson felt like he was looking at a different woman. She was definitely taking that whole "new life, new person" idea to heart. Or whatever she and Ben had talked about had helped her more than talking to Jackson could.
He nodded, forcing the little stab of jealousy out of his mind. "I do," he replied, closing the phone, "so I'll ask how you're doing instead." He eyed the McDonald's bag in Lisa's hand, and his stomach growled softly. Even shitty fast food sounded delicious.
Lisa climbed on the bed, sitting next to Jackson. "We brought you lunch...or brunch, I guess." she explained, offering the bag.
Ben dropped down on the other side of Caleb, gesturing at the sleeping man. "How's he doing?" he asked, leaning over and taking the remote from Jackson's hand.
Jackson shrugged, pulling a Big Mac box from the bag. "He's just sleeping it off now," he replied. "Hopefully he'll be fine for tonight."
Ben raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm sure that's what you're worried about," he remarked, flipping through the channels. He reached into the bag and snagged a few fries. Jackson remained silent, taking a bite of his burger. He looked over at Lisa, who was watching Caleb, her face full of concern.
He narrowed his eyes and placed his free hand on her jaw, turning her to face him. "What happened?" he asked, referring to the faint bruise near her eye. It looked like she had attempted to cover it with make up, but he could easily see it.
"I hit it on the faucet at Jeff's house," she replied, looking confused as to why he was bringing it up. Jackson stared at her skeptically, but she held his gaze. He finally nodded, releasing her. Had he really missed it before?
"We've been talking about you," she announced, giving him a sweet smile. He nodded slowly, adjusting the bag to give Ben better access.
"Why?" he asked, slightly irritated. Not only had she not answered his original question, he wasn't sure that he liked the idea of Ben telling stories about him.
"Because I want to know more about you," she replied bluntly, "and it's easier to get stuff from them." Fair enough. It still bothered Jackson that Lisa felt the need to talk to other people instead of just asking him, but he was well aware of why she was doing it. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell her things about himself- most of the time- he just didn't know where to even start.
"What did he tell you?" he asked curiously, wondering how much he would have to contradict. Ben definitely had a tendency to embellish. Lisa shrugged, watching Ben steal fries with annoyance. "He got them so he could eat them," Jackson explained quickly. He had barely noticed it was happening until he saw Lisa's face- he was as used to Ben's habits as if they were his own.
"Oh," she replied, "Well, he told me about the gardenias, but Caleb told me more." She shrugged. "Not much, though. No big deal." Jackson snapped his attention to Ben. Why? The other man just grinned at him.
"Well, just ask me next time," he said, turning back to Lisa. She opened her mouth to reply, but Ben beat her to it.
"Why? So you can censor the stories?" he teased. Jackson looked back to him again.
"Because you make shit up," he retorted, turning away as Ben clutched his chest in mock offense. Lisa yawned widely, slumping against Jackson's shoulder. He frowned, shifting his trapped arm to wrap it around her shoulders. Maybe they were pushing her too hard. "You know you can talk to me, right?" he asked softly, leaning down to whisper in her ear.
Lisa nodded, turning to face him. "Will we have time later?" she asked. "I want to talk to you alone." Jackson nodded, lightly furrowing his eyebrows. As much as he tried to convince himself that she was obviously upset over what had happened at her dad's house, he couldn't shake the feeling that something else was bothering her. He couldn't explain it- it was just nagging at him. Or maybe it was some kind of bizarre wishful thinking. He had no idea how to help if it was her dad Lisa was upset about it, but if it was something else, a more tangible problem, maybe it could be fixed.
"I could kick him out," he murmured, giving his head a subtle toss in Ben's direction. "Or we could go back to my room. Or yours."
Lisa smiled, shaking her head. "It's fine," she replied, and Jackson felt the irritating hunch again. She was handling him. She was actually trying to handle him like her dad or someone else she didn't really want to talk to. He clenched his jaw, resisting the urge to pull away and leave her alone. Normally he wouldn't even want to pry, but it was different now.
"Bullshit," he whispered. "Something's bothering you, and don't even try telling me that you're fine." He clenched his jaw, knowing that he probably should be acting a little more...tolerant...but he felt insulted by her shutting him out with her pathetic attempt to play it off. And the fact that she was being abnormally reserved in and of itself reaffirmed his theory that something was very wrong.
Lisa dropped her gaze to her lap, and Jackson couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. And concerned. "Can we just talk later?" she asked quietly, bringing her hand up to interlace her fingers with his. "I'm still tired, and..." She frowned, meeting his eyes again. "Please?"
Jackson narrowed his eyes. She wasn't helping him feel any less worried, but he probably wasn't helping her feel any less stressed. He opened his mouth to respond, but was distracted by a hand on his other arm. He quickly turned to look at Ben, who gave him a very subtle shake of the head. Jackson frowned, but nodded quickly, sighing as he turned back to Lisa.
"Alright," he said, relenting. Whatever was going on, Ben seemed to know what it was and if he was telling Jackson to drop it, he would. When it came down to it, he did trust the other man's judgment...most of the time. "Try to get some sleep then. We'll talk later." He squeezed her hand, doing his best to assure both of them that it was alright if she didn't want to talk to him about it.
Lisa smiled gratefully and leaned up to kiss him quickly. Jackson tightened his grip around her shoulders as she relaxed again, feeling slightly self-conscious. He glanced over at Ben, but the other man wasn't even watching them anymore.
The two men were silent for several minutes as Lisa shifted against Jackson, trying to get comfortable. He didn't take his eyes off of her as she appeared to finally drift off. He just wanted to help...but it always seemed to come out wrong. He leaned down, kissing Lisa's forehead in a silent apology.
"I will never understand why you pretend to be inhuman," Ben muttered, finishing the fries. Jackson groaned softly.
"Just to irritate you," he retorted, reaching around him to grab the half-full water from the nightstand.
"I'm touched," Ben replied as Jackson finished the glass.
"Do we have to get out the little doll so you can show me where?" he asked, handing the empty glass to his teammate. Ben scoffed, getting up to refill the water.
"It's not my business," he reminded Jackson, taking a drink. "You do what you want. But for whatever reason, she loves you. So...maybe you should try to be a little less 'you'." Jackson grabbed the glass from him. Excellent advice...
"I was always taught to be myself," he replied dryly, playing it off. Ben sat down on the bed again.
"That's unfortunate," he muttered. "because you're a jackass."
Jackson raised his eyebrows. Did he really want to get into this now? "Am I?" he asked hollowly. He had heard it all, but it was hitting home more than usual this time.
"Yes," Ben insisted. "You're an awesome teammate, but you're seriously a shit human being." Jackson shook his head in irritation.
"And you would make a great motivational speaker," he replied. "I think you missed your calling, really." He paused to take a drink from the glass. "We good now?"
"We're good," Ben replied with a nod. Jackson really didn't know how many times they had had this "conversation"- it was almost routine. It went a little differently each time, but the sentiment was the same. Ben got on his nerves, but honestly, Jackson didn't particularly have a legitimate dislike for the man.
Ben was a younger brother to Jackson, or at least how he imagined having one would be. He was irritating at times, amusing at others, but often an inescapable part of his life. He knew that the feeling wasn't mutual- he had done unforgivable things to the other man in the past. The bad blood between them was Jackson's fault.
"What's going on with Lisa?" he asked, changing the subject. There was too much going on to start brooding about his history with Ben on top of everything else.
Ben groaned, taking back the glass. "I knew you were going to ask," he replied, drinking. "And you know damn well I'm not telling you. Well...you do now anyway." Jackson dropped his head back against the headboard.
"You know..." he began, frustrated. All of their secrecy and drama wasn't really helping things. "...forget it. So what now? Do I just pretend that I don't know something's going on? Or should I wake up Caleb and ask him?" He clenched his teeth again. "Yeah, let's try that," he spat, shaking his brother with his free hand. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked his brother, who looked at him through barely open eyes before shaking off his arm and rolling over with a groan. Jackson looked up at Ben, who was watching him with an amused grin. "Nope- he doesn't want to say, either."
"You just hate it when you don't get your way, don't you?" Ben observed, twisting the knife.
Jackson shook his head. "No," he replied sharply. "I hate it when people like you get on my case for being 'cold' and 'heartless' and all that shit, and when I do care, I'm suddenly the bad guy for actually wanting to know what's going on. That's what I really hate." He pinched the bridge of his nose, frustrated. There was no denying it- the stress was definitely getting to him.
But now he started, and he couldn't really stop. "There's something going on, and all I'm getting is 'later' and 'it's not my place' or in his case, just noise. But everyone else seems to know." He shook his head at how absolutely idiotic he sounded, shifting to allow Lisa to lie on the bed. He had to get out of there before he made even more of a jackass of himself.
"So you can wait for him to wake up and you three can keep planning whatever it is that you've got going on. Just let me know when I'm allowed to be let in on it, alright?" he snapped, getting to his feet. He headed out of the room, catching the door at the last minute to keep it from slamming shut.
Within seconds, Ben followed him out into the hallway. "Are you seriously getting all pissed off that we went behind your back?" he snapped softly, obviously trying to avoid catching the attention of the other guests in their room. "What exactly did you expect?"
Jackson whirled around to face him, running a hand through his hair. "No- I get why you did it. I know I fucked that up, alright? This isn't about the plan- it's about the fact that something's wrong with Lisa, and instead of telling me, she went to you." He turned away again, embarrassed. "And Caleb- I don't even know..." he trailed off, at a loss for a coherent string of words. He started walking again, but was pulled back by Ben's hand on his arm.
"Get ahold of yourself," the other man insisted, "What the hell has gotten into you?" Jackson yanked his arm away, laughing bitterly.
"Out of all the people I'd open up to," he spat, "you are very low on my list." He just wanted to be left alone.
Ben crossed his arms, not taking the bait. "And the only one you've got right now, aren't I?" he reminded him. Jackson shook his head, heading down the hallway again. He stopped when he realized that Ben was right.
"Honestly?" he began after a few moments, his back still to the other man. "I don't know what to do." He ran a hand through his hair again, sighing. "I just keep screwing up with both of them...whatever I do, it's wrong." He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He felt like the right words were just barely out of his reach, like the lyrics to a forgotten song. "Just...forget it. It's just stress." He waved his free hand dismissively.
"It's not," Ben replied, leaning against the wall. He sighed in aggravation. "Alright, Lisa wanted to wait to talk to Caleb, but..." He grabbed Jackson's arm, walking down the hallway. "Not here." Jackson resisted the urge to pull away. On one hand, he knew that Ben was finally going to tell him, but on the other hand, he wished they could pretend that his outburst had never happened.
The two men walked into Jackson's room, and Ben poured two glasses of whiskey, handing one to Jackson. He dropped into one of the chairs, sighing heavily. Jackson paced around the room slowly, watching the taller man. Neither of them drank. Ben stared at his glass, gently swirling the dark honey liquid.
"Listen..." Jackson began, setting the glass on the table. It was ridiculous, but he had a strong urge to change the subject. He did hate that they were refusing to talk to him, but it felt wrong to drag it out of Ben. Even though Ben was obviously going to take Jackson's side over Lisa's, Jackson felt like he should take hers over...his own? If she wanted to talk to him, he should let her do it in her own way. Not to mention that Ben had obviously promised to keep it to himself, and Jackson wanted to respect that as well.
"Jamie's bringing the team to Dallas to help with Marie," he quickly blurted out. "Probably won't be necessary, but in case..." He didn't finish the sentence. The rest of his team was mostly a contingency, in case some of them didn't make it through the night.
Ben raised his eyebrows, but didn't comment on the abrupt topic switch. "What did you tell her?" he asked, and Jackson could see him fighting to show casual interest. He felt a slight twinge of guilt for playing with his friend's sore spot, but it was effective, and relevant.
"I summed it up," he replied, sitting in a nearby chair. "But the thing is, we don't really have a plan."
Ben scoffed, staring at his glass. "We go in and shoot her," he replied flatly. "How's that?" He eyed Jackson, who finally took a drink of his whiskey. "You're kind of freaking me out," he finally admitted. Jackson raised a skeptical eyebrow, but said nothing. This was new. "You're just kind of losing it," Ben continued, drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair.
Jackson laughed dryly. "Astute," he remarked, setting his glass down on a nearby table. He unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it aside- he really hated wearing the same clothes two days in a row.
"I'm not kidding," he heard Ben reply, and he shrugged.
"Neither am I," he replied. He was well aware of the fact that he was losing his composure more and more often, and that for the first time since he could remember, he was usually unsure of which direction he wanted to take. It wasn't like him. "Not sure where you're going with this, though," he continued, walking into the bathroom. "I'm a shit human being, remember? You should like this new, improved model, complete with real emotions and everything." He quickly began brushing his teeth.
"I liked the old version," Ben informed him, appearing in the doorway. Jackson exhaled sharply, making eye contact with him through the mirror. "You're all over the place now, and quite honestly, I'm not really comfortable following you anymore." He leaned against the bathroom counter, looking down at Jackson, who stared at the sink. "The old version put his neck out on the line and trusted that we would have his back," he continued, gesturing wildly. "But I don't even know this guy, the one who brings trainees here planning for them to get killed. I didn't know you liked using body shields."
Jackson rinsed out his mouth and dropped his weight into his forearms. "I'm just being practical," he insisted hollowly. It seemed inevitable that someone was going to die, and the bottom line was that the people being sent just weren't as valuable.
Ben shook his head sadly, crossing his arms. "With all due respect, Sir," he replied, without any trace of condescension, "you're not thinking it through. I know I'm only a low level, but I think we can do it without getting them killed."
Jackson rubbed the back of his neck, standing upright. Ben's formality had flipped a switch inside him- he finally felt like he was on a job again instead of tangled in a complete clusterfuck. He stared at the other man, waiting for him to continue.
"Well, they'll have maybe two men outside the room, right?" Ben asked, sitting on the counter. Jackson sat on the edge of the bathtub and nodded. "That's standard. And you told me they're prepared for us, so they'll have a handful of men inside. Seven or eight at most, plus Keefe." Jackson nodded again. He knew all this- the problem was getting past the two men without alerting those inside the room.
"So I had Jeff work out a deal with his ammo guy, and he silenced a handful of Colts in exchange for Caleb and me making him a box of those flint-tipped bullets. So if we can get the jump on the guys on the outside, we can get into the room with their key."
Jackson nodded, surprised. That could actually work. Ben smiled grimly. "That's how easy it would be to avoid using cannon fodder," he concluded softly, "And that's part of why you're freaking me out...you should have figured that one out without my help."
Jackson crossed his arms over his chest, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs. He nodded, drumming his thumb nervously on his bicep. He should have been able to figure that out- it was so simple. Maybe too simple.
"And the rest of it is that even if you couldn't figure it out on your own," Ben continued, lightly kicking the drawers with one heel, "that's what we're here for. But you pushed us out. That's not like you at all, really. Not when it comes to the job."
Jackson shook his head. Ben was wrong there. "It's been like that for a while," he admitted, "years." He was finding it easier than he had expected to open up to Ben, similar to the experience he had had with Jamie.
"Since you became manager," Ben finished, and Jackson nodded yet again. He had never wanted to be manager, but after that incident in Iraq left him with a "bad" hand- it wasn't that bad, really- Marie had given him few options. It had been either that, leave the agency, or become a cleaner or support- he wasn't allowed to continue being just a member of the team anymore. She had been the only example of a manager he had really experienced, and he had found himself trying to use her methods, leading by orders instead of collaboration like he used to when he was her second.
"So that leads to another issue," Ben began again, and Jackson looked up at him. "Who's going to take her place as director?" Jackson scoffed. He wasn't even a great manager- becoming a director wasn't something he was prepared to do.
"You?" he replied, and Ben laughed loudly. Jackson shrugged. It was a pretty bad idea. Ben was great where he was- he was an excellent assassin, and now Jackson was remembering how good he was at "completing" the team by supporting the leader rather than leading himself. "It might be a moot point," he reminded the other man.
The chances were pretty good that by staging this coup, Jackson and his teammates would be condemned by the agency- things just weren't done like this, but it wasn't like they could follow the hints of due process that the agency did have. The only real chance they had at following through with the assassination without becoming exiled or killed would be if they had CIA backing, and Jackson couldn't see how that would happen.
"Probably," Ben replied, jumping to the ground and stepping aside so Jackson could apply deodorant. He quickly exited the bathroom. Jackson closed his eyes and sighed, opening them again to stare at his own reflection. The entire situation with Marie went against everything he was comfortable with. She had taken in both him and Caleb in her own way when their uncle was killed, and she had been a good boss for the most part, at least to him.
She had had it out for Ben from almost the start, and it was absolutely ridiculous. So what if he had spurned her? What kind of reason was that to hate someone? Jackson knew that he had too much pride, but even he couldn't imagine being that hard up. She could pretend that she was ordering the hit because of his mafia ties or his refusal to kill Lisa- which was something Jackson really didn't want to think about- but she had been looking for a reason to be rid of him for years. He hated these grudges, and knew that there was no way to convince her to step down, but the idea still rubbed him the wrong way.
Jackson's relationship with Marie had earned him the title "Golden Boy" from other agents, and he knew that he deserved it- she was too quick to forget his mistakes sometimes, but it definitely wasn't mutual. He had never tried to kiss ass or manipulate his way into his position.
Jackson snapped his attention to the door when Ben cleared his throat. The other man stood in the doorway with a fresh set of clothes, which he set on the counter. "Are you okay to go with us tonight?" Ben asked firmly, and Jackson knew that he was still treating the situation as just another business matter.
He nodded, stripping down. "I'll bring Lisa up on the elevator," he replied, quickly changing into the new clothes. "We'll pretend to be some drunk couple or something...they won't be so quick to shoot if she's there. Hopefully they won't recognize her, but she's our best bet as a distraction." He buttoned up his shirt and turned to face Ben. "You and Caleb wait in the stairwell and come up behind them." He ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it, and glanced over Ben, hoping that answered his question.
Ben nodded, handing him a belt. "Sounds good," he confirmed. The two men walked out onto the balcony and lit their cigarettes. A few moments passed in silence while they stared out at the ocean. As far as Jackson was concerned, it was do-or-die time. He actually had to get it together now, and truly felt that he could when it came down to it.
"Something's been bothering me about this," Ben began, and Jackson turned his head to look at him. "Are we sure Keefe's really here? I mean, I know you said your guy told you they're waiting for us, but would Keefe really put himself at risk like that?"
Jackson nodded. He had considered this already. "Keefe likes to think of himself as a 'big man'- if he hides when we come for him, he's a chickenshit. He'll double up on security, but I'm almost positive he'll be there. But..." he paused to take a drag. "...I'm also pretty sure they're onto Jonathan. We shouldn't know he's expecting us, unless he wants us to know."
Ben nodded. "One of the risks of informing," he replied callously, and Jackson agreed. He wasn't going to risk the mission to warn the insider. There was also a chance that Keefe was just being generous with whom he told because he knew that someone was an informant. Of course there was a chance that it could be a trap- there was always that chance, but they had no choice but to take the information as valid.
"It's a shit plan," he admitted. "We're banking on the idea that Keefe is a damn idiot who wants to play cowboy."
Ben groaned, taking a long drag. "We're all going to get killed, aren't we?" he asked lightly.
"Probably," Jackson replied flatly. It wasn't the first time they were heading into a questionable situation, so he wasn't any more worried than usual now that he would have Ben and Caleb with him instead of rookies. And if they didn't kill Keefe that night, there would always be more chances, and Jamie was taking care of a good portion of the conspirators on the Georgian side. Marie just wanted it done as soon as possible- she wanted her monkeys to dance, and so they did.
The two men fell silent again. Eventually, Jackson opened his mouth to explain that he was going to send away the trainees after they had booked their rooms- he still wanted to use their room keys to avoid leaving a trail- but Ben spoke first. "We might not make it through all this," he noted, and Jackson remained silent, taking a drag of his cigarette. That was always a possibility, but it seemed more likely than normal between the Keefe business and then the fall-out from what they were going to do with Marie.
"I know we have our issues," the other man continued, "but..." Jackson furrowed his eyebrows and glanced sidelong at him. He resisted the urge to tell Ben to stop talking before he could even start getting all sentimental. He wasn't sure he could really handle it. "Don't let this whole thing with Lisa get to you," Ben said quickly, changing the subject.
Jackson shrugged, relieved at the topic change. "There's nothing I can do about it anymore," he insisted. "I'm not leaving the agency, so that's that. I'll be fine."
Ben shook his head. "Oh, that's over," he explained. "Caleb and I talked her out of her ultimatum...well, mostly Caleb, but I guess I helped." Jackson choked on his smoke, wincing as he turned to face Ben.
"You did what?" he managed. "Why?" Out of all the people to do something like that, Caleb and Ben were some of the least likely, in his mind. Caleb was unlikely for obvious reasons, but Ben...he had assumed that he would use the opportunity to finally get revenge for what Jackson had done to him.
Ben took a drag. "It wasn't that hard," he informed him. "I don't think she was that set on it from the start, really." He laughed at the stunned expression on Jackson's face. "I got over that years ago," he explained. "It was fucked up, but you were right...it wouldn't have been a good idea."
Jackson felt his jaw lightly drop. Not long after Caleb had left the agency, Jamie had realized that she was pregnant with Ben's kid. Ben had been excited- not only did he actually want kids, he already had a daughter back in Brooklyn who he hadn't seen since she was a toddler because of his involvement in the agency. He had seen it as a second chance to be a good parent, but Jamie wasn't taking it as well. She knew that she would have to quit the agency- they couldn't very well bring an infant on a job or raise him or her in a cramped apartment full of assassins- and Ben would likely have to as well.
She had confided in Jackson, and explained her doubts. She wasn't sure she was ready for a baby, and definitely wasn't ready to give up her job. Jackson had never convinced Jamie to get the abortion, but he definitely had helped confirm her already-growing idea that it was the right thing to do. He had even gone with her to the clinic- Ben had refused.
That was it for their relationship, of course. They could hardly look at each other without being reminded of what they had lost. Jamie hadn't regretted her choice, but she had still hated doing it and of course hated even more how much it had hurt Ben. Soon after, Jackson had been promoted to manager, and sent Ben to Robert's team.
He would have preferred to make Ben his second, but knew that Robert needed him more. In fact, Jackson had been hoping that Marie would have gotten over her issues and promoted Ben to manager of that team, but that hadn't happened. It did seem to make Robert a better manager though, at least for a while, so Jackson had been right in that sense, but he still hated how it had all gone down. None of them had really talked about it since then- he wasn't even sure Caleb knew.
"You thought I was going to convince her to walk away, didn't you?" Ben asked, reading his mind. Jackson nodded slowly, now embarrassed. "Come on, man- you think I'd do that to you? You really think I don't get that you were trying to help?" He shook his head. "Well, I get it, alright?"
"Alright," Jackson replied softly, staring at the embers of his cigarette as though they were the most fascinating thing he had seen. This had to be the most emotionally intense week he had ever had. "For what it's worth," he began, but Ben waved his hand.
"Don't," he interrupted. "We owe a lot to you, actually," he continued awkwardly. Jackson shifted uncomfortably, shaking his head. "I'm serious," Ben insisted, frowning. "You totally took care of me and Cal in college...Hell, all of us, really. But, listen, I know I give you lots of shit for...well, everything..." He kicked the balcony floor with his shoe. "...but you were like our center or something."
Jackson stepped back from the balcony. This was just too much for him, and he needed to get away from it. Ben grabbed his arm. "Just let me say this," he said, irritated. "Then we can pretend it never happened, alright?" Jackson sighed heavily, rolling his neck.
"Fine," he muttered, leaning against the balcony again. "Just...don't overdo it."
Ben nodded, grinning slightly. "Deal," he replied, taking a drag. "What I'm trying to say is that...you know how I was when we met." Jackson nodded. When they had first began living together in the dorm at NYU, Ben had been quite the asshole- angry, rude, and anti-social. But he and Caleb had bonded relatively quickly, and he had calmed down eventually. "And you know I think of Cal like he's my brother from another mother, but...that goes for you, too. I feel like I just sort of fit between you two...you guys are like the family I don't have, really."
Jackson sighed, staring up at the sky. "You overdid it," he teased half-heartedly. "But..." He sighed audibly- part of him still wanted to be as far away from this conversation as possible. There was an odd comfort of the familiar in being told that he was screwing up, especially from Ben. He didn't know how to take this new honesty. "I think Caleb's in the middle." That was as close as he could come to verbally admitting that he felt the same way, but Ben seemed to understand.
"Should we hug now?" he asked, grinning. Jackson scoffed, shaking his head. He could always count on Ben to ruin any heavy moment with that mouth, but this time he was actually grateful. In a way, it felt good to hear those words, but at the same time, it put more pressure on him. It was hard to disappoint a person who already had low expectations...
"No," he replied firmly, turning away from Ben and taking another drag. He half-rolled his eyes in irritation as Ben clamped onto him from behind, squeezing tightly. He shook his head in amusement, shrugging off the other man. He ran a hand through his hair again. The air between them had changed, and Jackson wasn't sure what he should say next.
"Thanks for...helping with Lisa last night," he finally said, sticking to the relatively safer topic, resting his forearms on the railing. He wished that he could have gone with them the night before, but he didn't really have a place there. "Even if it didn't go well."
Ben scoffed. "She's actually not as bad as I thought," he admitted, mirroring Jackson. "I thought she was going to fall to pieces or something, but..." He hesitated. "...she held it together. And anyway," he continued quickly, "I wouldn't thank me. I haven't exactly been nice to her."
Jackson shrugged. "She isn't exactly easy to be nice to sometimes," he replied bluntly. And it was the truth. He could vouch for how frustrating she was at times. In a way, it was a relief to know that Lisa had kept her composure, but on the other hand, it confirmed that Caleb was the problem.
"Oh, I did propose to her, but she turned me down," Ben continued, bringing levity back into the discussion again. "I don't think I'll ever recover, really."
"She already got married once this week," Jackson reminded him, fighting a grin. He couldn't even begin to imagine how the "proposal" had gone.
"Lucky bastard," the other man muttered, elbowing Jackson in a way that let him know that he wasn't really talking about Caleb. "Smart, sexy, and she knows how to use a gun." He winked at Jackson, who couldn't resist feeling slightly smug. Lisa was definitely all of those things, and more. He was lucky. He knew that Ben was referring to what Lisa had done the last time they had sex, but he couldn't even pretend to feel self-conscious- it had been too mind-blowing, and quite frankly, Ben should be jealous.
"She's tough, too. She just needs to...I need to let her do it," Jackson replied softly, taking a drag. Except for brief, tense moments back in Minnesota and the quick exchange with Marie, he hadn't really talked about her with anyone else unless he was discussing the next move with Caleb. Even then, he hadn't really just talked about her. He felt somewhat awkward, but found that he actually liked it.
He had found himself missing her in the last two days since she had left Jeff's house- with every that had been happening, their paths had crossed too rarely. Yet another thing that had been his fault, but it didn't do any good to brood about it...he just had to make it up to her somehow. He stubbed out the cigarette. "She'll make it through this just fine," he added, mostly to himself.
"You both will if you can just get over your issues," Ben replied frankly, and Jackson shrugged. He wanted to believe that things between him and Lisa would last, but he had seen too much evidence to the contrary. It occurred to him that he had never seen a lasting relationship, or one that didn't end miserably, and he was also painfully aware that he was just in the wrong business for such things. Even if they did find a way to make it work, either he or Lisa or both of them wouldn't be able to reconcile their differences after a while. It was inevitable.
But Jackson had come across worse odds at more than one point in his life, and even when he tried, giving up just didn't suit him. He couldn't even imagine trying to push her away anymore. Now it was just a matter of not doing so unintentionally.
"Oh," Ben began again, "Now that I've done the sentimental thing and buttered you up, can I borrow ten grand?" Jackson chuckled, shaking his head slightly. Apparently it had been too much for the other man, too. "Nik said she'll come here and help with the security aspect, but she wants the money first...as in, before she'll even fly out. And I really don't have a way of getting it to her."
Jackson lit another cigarette and shot Ben an incredulous look. He had just thought to ask now? "Nik...? As in..." Ben nodded. Jackson raised his eyebrows in surprise. Nikita was the mother of Ben's daughter. She was also married to a member of Odessa, which Ben didn't really have the best of relationships anymore. He shrugged it off, assuming that Ben knew what he was doing.
"She's pretty cheap," he observed. Normally, it would seem like a lot of money, but really wasn't much to give someone putting their life on the line.
"I know," Ben replied. "But since she's kind of being a bitch about needing it in cash up front and all that, I decided not to bother talking her up."
Jackson nodded. It definitely wasn't the way things were normally done. He pulled out his phone, dialing Trudi's number. He told her to withdraw the money from his accounts, knowing that she would know to do it at two different banks to avoid IRS notification. He relayed the address Ben gave him, rolling his eyes when she expressed disdain for the idea of going to "the ghetto".
"Thanks," Ben said as he hung up. "I'll pay you back." Jackson shook his head.
"You're not getting paid for helping with Keefe," he reminded the other man. "So really, I owe you." Ben shrugged, accepting Jackson's rejection. "You know...after this is over, you could go back to New York," Jackson pointed out after a few minutes.
Ben shook his head. "I could go live there," he agreed, "but I can't really go back." He stubbed out his cigarette, taking Jackson's. "Nik thinks Sasha's old enough to find out about me, but I think that means she's old enough to resent being lied to like that."
Jackson frowned, but he had to agree. The sad reality was that it was nearly impossible to have a family and be at their level in the agency. Cleaners, support, couriers- they weren't at risk and could lead normal lives. Even Jackson probably could have a family if he wanted since he wasn't "on the job" as often, but someone at Ben's level was away from home too often and was at too much a risk of being killed or caught to have responsibilities like that.
"She's doing fine without me anyway," Ben continued dully, passing the cigarette back to Jackson. "She's...turning into a real beauty already, and she's doing well in school." He pressed his palms hard against his temples and groaned. "I really don't want to talk about it anymore," he said, his voice tight.
Jackson nodded, remaining silent. He hated seeing his friend like this. Being a spectator over the years to Ben's family problems only served to reinforce his aversion to having kids, not that he wanted to anyway. He didn't have his own life in order, or at least not an order that left room for being responsible for a child- how could he ever be a good parent? Plus, there was always that fear of turning into his own father.
He knew that Ben, like him, had the option of walking out at any point. But for people like them, it wasn't really possible. Just like Jackson couldn't imagine sitting back and watching the James Rippners of the world hurt people, Ben had his personal reasons for being so attached to the job. They all did. A person didn't just wake up and decide to dedicate their lives to such a horrible profession. They were all damaged.
The title of this chapter came from Depeche Mode's "Wrong"- a fabulous song that was brought back to my attention by the lovely AmelyShine. She thinks it's one of the definitive Jackson songs, and I have to completely agree. DEFINITELY check it out, or at least the lyrics.
R&R! Reviewers might wake up Christmas morning to find Ben in their living room. And he might bring board games. :D