Happy 2013! This is how I spend my holidays...with my boys and girl. So, this is the longish-awaited chapter, in which Jackson finds out and Caleb loses his good guy title once and for all. The "Psychic Reader" award goes to Miss Artemis, who totally called this one. And the "Love You" award goes to Eva for introducing me to the song "Power and Control" by Marina and the Diamonds. Check it out- Lisa finally gets an anthem!
BW4eva- Aw, I would never kill off Caleb with something as sad as literally drinking himself to death. :)
ThisIsChikaOnFFdotNet- Thanks! I still haven't decided what kind of ending Lisa and Jackson are going to get, let alone my OCs. But yes, I want a happy ending for my Ben. They all need one, really.
Eva- Ben is definitely integral to the twins. And yes, things are about to get even more intense.
KnoKnayme- Glad you liked it! :) He's going to recede into the background for a while though.
MademoiselleGF- I assume you meant Marie, who wants Lisa dead because she thinks Lisa will take Jackson from the agency. She has some control issues- if her people aren't doing exactly what she wants them to be doing, she likes to "take care of it".
I know it was a bit out of left field. I put it in there for a few reasons- one, it shows how limited their world is that Ben actually had to bring in a very unlikely associate. Two, it explained more Jackson's hesitation and aversion to things like family, because he's seen Ben's issues with kids and whatnot. Three, it was another example of how they just throw around money like 'whatever'. But yeah, I knew it wasn't going to be the most popular chapter.
Thank you SO much for that banner. I was touching up the chapter with my beta when I noticed the PM, and she can attest that I actually squealed and got all :D about it. Sucks that you're sick, though- feel better!
And I do appreciate how brutally honest you are about my chapters. It really helps me think about content and characterization.
Miss Artemis- First of all, I already have a soft spot for you because my first original character in the first story I ever wrote was named Artemis. Alright, here's the thing with Lisa and her whole "savior complex/wanting to 'fix' Jackson" thing. Yes, she was more tolerant of it in the beginning, but it didn't really affect her as much then. Her doubts about Jackson's involvement in the agency came at a critical turning point for them- when she realized that she loves him (and vice versa). You have to remember that she has come around at one of the worst possible times in the agency- betrayal and backstabbing everywhere. Caleb's little talk with her about how that sort of thing is very rare did have an impact, and so did her whole "new life" thing. She's done with it for good (as far as I have planned), but that's why it was there.
Oh, and the second thing you totally called- chapter 34 will be mostly Jackson and Lisa really talking about everything that's happening.
PirateGyrl- Well, he conveniently spent Xmas with me. You wouldn't really want to play games with him- Jackson would tell you that he cheats. And I totally feel you with the malls sucking thing- I had a seasonal job at a See's kiosk for the last two months, and I wanted to flip a cash register by Christmas Eve.
Hpfan1987- Thanks! Hope you continue to enjoy! :)
In the words of PirateGyrl, the shit has hit the fan:
Chapter 33: Somebody That I Used to Know
Jackson followed Ben into his hotel room, yawning widely. The two of them had decided that sentimentality made them hungry and ended up ordering room service back in Jackson's room. He had figured that since Caleb was just sleeping when they had left, he was okay on his own for a while longer.
He almost ran right into Ben as the other man hesitated in the doorway. Pushing past, he saw what had made Ben stop- or more correctly, didn't see it. Caleb wasn't in the bed. Lisa was alone, tangled in the mess of blankets. He turned toward the balcony and saw his brother sitting on the concrete floor. Jackson walked toward him, furrowing his eyebrows.
Caleb sat on the floor, leaning against the glass panel next to the sliding door. He was turned away from the balcony door, a cigarette in one hand, and a Colt in the other. He gripped the gun by the barrel and trigger guard, resting it against his forehead. Jackson knelt by his brother, quickly noting that the gun was on safe before gripping it by the end of the barrel. He pried the Colt from Caleb's hand despite how tightly the other man held onto it, frowning as his brother didn't even look at him.
Jackson glanced up at Ben, who was handing him a bottle of water. He passed it off to Caleb, who set it down next to him. "Just drink it," he murmured, sitting next to his brother. Caleb sighed, unscrewing the lid and taking a long drink. He passed the cigarette to Jackson, who just held onto it. He watched his younger brother, not sure how to begin.
The three men were silent for several minutes before Jackson heard Ben walk back into the hotel room, closing the balcony door behind him. Jackson cleared his throat, but still no words came to him.
"Would you really have shot her if I wasn't there?" Caleb asked quietly. Jackson frowned, taking a drag. There were a few 'hers' Caleb could be referring to, but he was pretty sure he knew who he was talking about. He had to give Caleb points for an unexpected opening, but he didn't know what their mother had to do with anything. But if this was what Caleb wanted to talk about, Jackson thought he should do his best to accommodate him.
"I meant to," he replied uncomfortably, staring at the ocean. "Not sure if I would have, though." The topic had been brought up many times in the last few days, and often, it was by Caleb. He obviously wanted to finally talk about it, but Jackson just wasn't sure why it suddenly mattered. Was Caleb actually drawing some parallel between Cheryl and Cathy?
"She looked so scared," Caleb continued, taking another drink, "and you didn't give a shit." Jackson took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
"I was there," he replied flatly, rocking the gun on its trigger guard.
"She's our mom," Caleb hissed. "And you-"
"No, she wasn't," Jackson snapped. "Our mom had a fucking spine. She would have fought back or just left." Caleb frowned, getting to his feet.
"I saw her," he admitted, leaning back against the railing as he looked down at Jackson. "When I tried to shoot Cheryl...I just..." He took a deep breath, his voice breaking. "...saw her." Jackson sat in stunned silence, tapping the Colt against his temple. There were no words. He couldn't very well apologize and there was nothing he could do to take it back, even if he actually regretted his actions.
"I couldn't do it," Caleb continued, speaking so softly that Jackson had to strain to hear him, and dropped his face in his hands. "Lisa...Lisa did it. She shot her." Jackson's jaw dropped and he turned his head to look back through the window. He clenched his jaw as he made eye contact with the brunette sitting next to Ben- he must have woken her. Lisa furrowed her eyebrows, probably trying to read him.
Jackson turned back to Caleb, sucking in his lips. He made Lisa give someone a goddamn contact shot? He quickly buried his outrage- Caleb was his brother...it wasn't right to come down on him like that. And he would have to have a good reason to falter like that. Jackson squeezed his eyes shut to reign it in, and then opened them again. "Are you alright now?" he finally asked, fighting to keep his voice steady.
Caleb laughed dryly. "Oh come on," he challenged. "Don't pretend that you aren't pissed about it. Go ahead- tell me how much I failed."
Jackson shook his head. "It was to be expected," he insisted, pushing himself to his feet. Caleb was right of course, but Jackson was doing his best to remind himself of the circumstances instead of the results.
"Jesus Christ," Caleb snapped, tightly gripping the rails. "Fucking tell me. I was supposed to do a job and I fucked it up right?"
"It wasn't your job," Jackson murmured, leaning against the adjacent railing and crushing the cigarette beneath his shoe. "I told her I was going to help, and I should have done it. You shouldn't have been anywhere near it." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You shouldn't have been anywhere near any of this." He turned his head to look at his brother, who just clenched his jaw. "I know it's years too late, but...I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have-"
"Save it," Caleb snapped. "I'm not some goddamn kid you need to take care of." Jackson clenched his free hand into a fist, taken aback.
"But it's my fault you're-"
"I hit her," Caleb spat, slamming his palms on the railing and setting his jaw in defiance, as though he were daring Jackson to continue his apology. Jackson's eyes narrowed angrily, his stomach sinking.
"Cheryl?" he asked, praying that he was right and knowing that he wasn't. He bowed his head, setting his jaw and gritting his teeth. He knew Caleb was shaking his head without even looking at him. Every thought was pulled from his head, replaced by a piercing silence. It wasn't until his lungs started to burn that he realized that he wasn't even breathing.
"I kissed her, too," Caleb continued, his tone almost taunting. "Right up against the door while she tried to fight me off. I was going to-"
Jackson launched at his brother with a raw cry, grabbing Caleb by the hair, and yanked his head back, almost snapping his neck. He pressed the gun to Caleb's throat, breathing heavily. He didn't need it spelled out for him. His own brother...she must have been so scared, and he just...Jackson bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, forcing himself to stare into his brother's eyes, trying to shut out the haunting imagery.
"I should fucking kill you," he hissed, releasing the safety catch on the Colt. Caleb's eyes showed no fear; only defiance. Jackson's breaths became more ragged as the decision waged a war in his head. He knew he was right- anyone else wouldn't have lived long enough for him to even utter a threat. But it was Caleb. He became suddenly aware of muffled yelling behind him, and snapped his head and shoulders around to see Lisa struggling to get to the glass doors, and Ben holding tightly to her waist. Jackson tightened his grip on Caleb- he definitely did not need to see Lisa being restrained.
He gave Caleb one more hard push against the railing and stepped from him, rapping on the glass with his knuckles. Both turned their attention to him, and Jackson silently gestured for them to come outside. He needed to hear that Caleb was lying to him. There was no way this could be real.
Lisa hurried out first and approached Jackson, her hand out. "Give me the gun," she pleaded, and Jackson saw the tears in her eyes. "You don't want to do this." Jackson smiled grimly and held the gun out, but quickly snaked out his other hand and grabbed her wrist, yanking her closer to him.
"Do you want to try explaining again?" he asked bitterly, rubbing at the foundation on her cheek with the pad of his thumb, exposing some of the bruising. Lisa winced and pulled away from his touch, obviously hurt by the pressure he applied. He barely glanced over as Ben voiced his opposition to how rough he was being with her before giving Lisa his complete attention again. He hadn't meant to hurt her...but why did she lie to him?
"Give me the gun," she repeated calmly, grabbing his wrist with her free hand. "Now." Jackson locked eyes with her and easily saw fear behind her forced calm. No...not fear. Concern? He sighed deeply, setting the gun back on safe and thrusting it into her hand as she released his wrist. Of course he didn't want to shoot his own brother.
He looked back at Caleb, who had his arms crossed. He didn't look ashamed- just angry. "It's not your job to protect me," his brother explained coldly, "and I don't fucking want you to anymore." Jackson hardly recognized the man in front of him- he was so cold.
Jackson laughed bitterly. If Caleb wanted to press all of his hot buttons...two could play at that game. "Is that so?" he spat. "Alright- I have some news. Your wife?" He smiled humorlessly. "She..." He trailed off, shaking his head. He couldn't do it- he just couldn't intentionally hurt Caleb, no matter how much he wanted to. "...cheated on you," he finished, knowing that if he stopped talking, Caleb would demand to know what he had been about to say and that what he did tell was a big enough revelation that it wouldn't look like he had held back.
"Jesus, Jack!" Ben admonished, but Caleb flung his hand in the air to cut him off.
"Old news," he replied hollowly. "Robert told me...in so many words."
Jackson snapped his attention to Ben. "Jesus, Jack?" he repeated, ignoring Caleb's response. "You know what he did." He gestured at Caleb, who was also glaring at Ben. "And you heard him- he doesn't want me taking care of him anymore. Why should I keep his wife's dirty little secrets?" Because he's your brother.
"Don't fucking defend me, you backstabber," Caleb snapped at Ben, overlapping with Jackson's accusations.
Ben turned to face Caleb, a mix of shock and anger on his face. "How exactly am I-"
"You couldn't find any time to tell me what she was doing?" Caleb demanded, advancing Ben. "Like 'Oh hey, Cal- your wife is part of the agency and she's fucking Robert. How have you been?'" Ben shoved him away roughly.
"One, I had no idea she was fucking him," he snapped. "Two, I assumed you knew. It's pretty hard to hide that shit. Or did you think she was taking 'business trips'? Oh- and exactly when was I supposed to tell you?" He glared at Caleb accusingly. "Like the times I tried to call after you left and you totally ignored my calls? One of those times?"
Jackson felt the grip on his wrist tighten and looked over at Lisa, who was obviously worried. "You need to stop this," she whispered, releasing his wrist to grab his hand instead. "Everyone's just angry, and it's not helping anything." He turned his attention back to Caleb and Ben, knowing that she was right, and stepped between the two men.
"Yes, I wanted to kill her," he stated firmly, "and yes, I killed Dad. But you know what? You don't get to bring it up ten goddamn years later and use it as an excuse for hurting Lisa like that." Caleb started to respond, but Jackson talked right over him. "You want to send me on a guilt trip and make me out to be the bad guy for trying to take care of you- be my guest. But not her- she has nothing to do with you and me."
He stepped closer to Caleb, dangerously close to the other man. "You're pissed about it? Fine- take it out on me and make it a fair fight." He pulled from Lisa's grip and yanked the gun from her hand, firmly pressing the barrel into Caleb's chest. "But if you ever lay a hand on her again, I will kill you," he threatened, his voice barely above a whisper. It was the only volume he could handle at the moment. "No hesitation, no fucking games...I will kill you." He handed the gun back to Lisa. Caleb just nodded, and Jackson noted again how miserable he looked. "Get some more rest," he said through clenched teeth. "We'll finish this little...discussion...later."
He slipped his hand into Lisa's again, squeezing it tightly. Get me out of here, he silently pleaded. He didn't want to look at Caleb anymore, precisely because he had meant what he said. He couldn't believe it had come to this. Lisa pulled his hand softly, taking a few steps toward the door. Jackson turned from Ben and Caleb and followed her back into the room.
"I would have killed her." Jackson stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around. Again, there were many 'hers' that Caleb could be referring to, but this time, he couldn't be sure. Cheryl didn't make sense because she was already dead and Caleb hadn't taken the final shot. Lisa...well, he had better not be talking about her.
"Killed who?" he asked tensely, knowing that he was probably crushing poor Lisa's hand by this point. He didn't want to guess this time. He heard Caleb walk toward him and turned around, instinctively guiding Lisa behind him.
"Mom," Caleb confirmed. "If the gun had been in my hand...I would have shot her." He shook his head. "You couldn't have stopped me."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jackson asked skeptically. Had his brother developed some kind of amnesia? "You stopped me, remember? 'Killing her won't help anything'...?"
Caleb nodded slowly. "Because I was scared," he admitted softly. "I was freaked out by how much I wanted you to do it." Jackson shook his head, dropping his head again. This was why he hated bringing up the past, among other reasons. Time changes memories and conflicting stories are inevitable. "I did," Caleb insisted. "I don't hate you for it...well, I do, but not like that."
Jackson released Lisa's hand and crossed his arms defensively. He didn't trust what he was hearing. "Enlighten me," he replied bitterly. "What's it like then?" He barely noticed Lisa move away from them and stand next to Ben behind Caleb. But when he heard her whisper in Ben's ear and watched the two start to head to the door, he shook his head at them. "No, you can stay," he insisted. He didn't particularly want either of them to be there, but he knew that there would be questions later. It was just easier this way.
Caleb dropped onto the bed, remaining silent. He drummed his fingers on his thighs. Jackson looked down at him, waiting. Oddly, Jamie's words from the previous evening came back to him- just shut up and take it.
"It doesn't make sense," Caleb muttered, burying his face in his hands again. Jackson continued to wait, despite how badly he wanted to tell his brother to just forget it. As angry as he was with Caleb, he hated seeing him so upset. "It's not your fault that I'm here. It never was...I wanted it. You just gave me a good excuse...following you was easy."
Jackson shifted uncomfortably and finally sat next to Caleb. "You hate the killing," he insisted. He wasn't going to let Caleb twist the truth in his misery.
Caleb nodded. "Because I wanted it so much," he admitted, his face still buried. "And I could convince myself that I was there for you, and that I really didn't have a choice, but it just wasn't true. And it's not true now. I...I'll never be normal." He shuddered deeply, and Jackson could hear the tears in his voice as he dropped to a whisper. "I enjoy it so much that...it scares me."
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Jackson heard Ben say under his breath, and he shook his head.
"'Methinks' comes last," he corrected, enjoying the tiny distraction. He made eye contact with the other man as he dropped on the other side of Caleb. Jackson could read the amused 'who gives a shit?' from Ben's lips, and he allowed himself the smallest of smug smiles. He avoided Lisa, knowing that she was probably looking at them both like they were crazy.
"I used you," Caleb continued as though the two men hadn't spoken, his voice tight. Jackson focused his attention on his brother again, the brief light mood shattered. "Oh, I didn't want to be there, not at all- you totally made me, right? Bullshit. And I could...the things I don't like about you...it's not you. It's me. You let me be the good one." Jackson furrowed his eyebrows at Ben. What exactly was he supposed to say to all this? It was hitting him hard that he didn't even know this man. He had always thought he was an expert in defenses, but Caleb had put him to shame.
Jackson cleared his throat. "When you say that you want to kill..." He trailed off awkwardly, unsure of how to put it into the right words.
"I want to watch them suffer," Caleb replied, and Jackson heard the ice creeping into his voice. "I've always been able to rationalize things..."
"And you're good at it," Ben murmured, almost to himself. Caleb nodded.
"It's the only way I know," he replied, turning to look at Ben. "And I'm not lying to myself...I mean it." He turned to look at Jackson, who was starting to get scared himself. This whole thing seemed completely out of their element- should he actually get some kind of therapist? "I do hate the killing," Caleb continued, and laughed dryly, the words starting to fall more rapidly from his mouth.
"See? It sounds so screwed up- and it is- but that's why I left. That's why I couldn't talk to you anymore. That's why I fell in love and married Cheryl. I didn't want to do it anymore. I just wanted- want- to be normal. I want to help people, because it's the only way I know to balance how just how much I want to hurt others. And that's why I'm damn good at being a doctor- I just kept reading and pushing myself to learn all the techniques. I know almost everything about how to kill someone, and I thought I could cancel it out...maybe I could figure out how to fix myself."
"Like..." Lisa began, but trailed off. The three men looked up at her, and she shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Like an alcoholic who finds God," she finally finished, kneeling in front of Caleb. "Is that what you're saying?" Jackson frowned as Caleb nodded. Maybe it was a good thing they were there. He had no words, but Lisa and Ben seemed to be on top of things.
"I'm so sorry," Caleb whispered to Lisa, taking one of her hands in his. "I just...Jackson was right. I took it out on you. I thought that when I killed Robert and...whatever that guy's name is that it was just because of the circumstance. I thought that I had finally gotten over that need to kill, but then...with Cheryl, it all came back, and I just lost it. I couldn't...convince myself anymore." He dropped his head, and Lisa leaned forward, softly placing a hand on the back of his neck. Jackson clenched his jaw, unable to take his eyes off of them. He hated how close Caleb was to her right now. How could she forgive him so easily?
"I'm alright now," she insisted, her eyes full of sympathy. "I told you that I knew something was wrong, remember? Don't worry about me."
Jackson tore his gaze away and looked over at Ben, who was watching the two, unimpressed. Was this normal for them? Were they always this...close? "I don't just want to...I mean, I'm not some psychopath," Caleb said louder, pulling from Lisa to look at Jackson again. "I don't want to just mow everyone down or anything."
Jackson nodded, releasing a small sigh of relief. He had actually been worried for a moment that when Caleb said he wanted to kill, he meant indiscriminately. "But you are going back to Minnesota when this is over, right?" he asked carefully. "I mean...you're not saying that you want to come back to the agency...are you?" He doubted he could handle sitting back and letting Caleb go back to what he had been, especially not after this new confession. He felt even more of an urge to keep his brother from it, both for protection and the fact that he didn't feel like he could trust him anymore.
Caleb nodded. "I am," he confirmed. "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through." Jackson pulled back, inhaling sharply. It was immature, but he really hated being apologized to. He just wanted to get back to normal, but everyone was being pulled from their comfort zones and all this reality was blowing up around them. And even worse, it was reality that Jackson had been completely unaware of. First Lisa even giving him a chance, let alone sticking with him, then Ben calling him family, and now this...his entire world had been thrown off its axis, and to call it overwhelming was a severe understatement.
"We're fine," he insisted, but it was a lie. It was unnerving to hear this honesty, but Jackson did understand it in a way. He had had his whole dark period, when he scared himself with how satisfying it felt to watch the life leaving someone who really deserved it. It hadn't lasted for a decade, but he could definitely relate.
Of course he hated hearing that he had been some scapegoat for Caleb's issues. He had been tearing his hair out about the whole thing for so long before attempting to securely bury it deep in his mind after not being able to come up with any solution. But he would get over it. And of course he was angry for what Caleb had done to Lisa...he wasn't so sure he would really get over that. It also unnerved him to see Lisa so...comfortable with Caleb, but he kept reminding himself that he was blowing it out of proportion. Mostly, it just hurt him to see Caleb in such pain and realize that he had completely misinterpreted the situation for years. It hurt him to know that the man next to him was a stranger in so many ways.
Lisa watched Jackson's shoulders sink in defeat, and frowned as he pinched the bridge of his nose, pressing his fingers against his closed eyes. She looked over at Caleb, who just looked beyond miserable as he cradled his chin and jaw in both hands. Ben obviously wanted to be anywhere else but that room. The three men seemed to have gotten as far as they were going to come, and she was pretty sure they all needed some time. She released Caleb and gently placed her hands on Jackson's thighs, barely tilting her head toward the door when he finally made eye contact with her.
Jackson nodded as Lisa pushed herself to her feet. She shot a regretful glance back at Caleb as Jackson stood, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He looked so broken as he stared at her with those haunting eyes, but her place was undeniably with Jackson. She draped her arm across Jackson's back in support as the two walked out of the room. She turned her head against as the door opened and Ben walked out, still looking a bit dazed. He joined them in the elevator, and shook his head.
"I need a fucking drink," he muttered to Jackson after clearing his throat, "then I'll get the trainees." He placed a hand on Jackson's shoulder, but the other man pulled from his touch.
"Just get their keys and send them right back," he reminded Ben, and Lisa looked up at him questioningly. So he wasn't going to use them? She lifted her hand to intertwine her fingers with the hand draped over her shoulder, squeezing to let him know that she was proud of him for not condemning them. A quick squeeze let her know that Jackson understood, even if he didn't look at her.
Ben nodded and looked down at Lisa. "He'll be fine," he assured her confidently. "He got it off his chest...so..." Lisa nodded. She wasn't as worried about Caleb as she was about Jackson. Ben was right- he had hit bottom, had his confession, and there was nowhere to go but up. But Jackson looked like he had the ground yanked from under him, and she could only imagine what was going on his head.
Ben raised his eyebrows one more time. "What a fucking business," he said cryptically as the elevator slowed to a stop on Jackson's floor.
"Yeah," Lisa replied, giving Ben a quick smile before exiting with Jackson. They made their way into his room, where she finally disentangled herself, watching Jackson loosen his tie and shrug off his jacket.
"Don't say...anything," he said, his back to her. "Please." Lisa shook her head, walking to stand in front of him. She wasn't about to pry anything out of him now- she knew better than that. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing tightly against him as she rested her head on his shoulder. Normally, she would be looking for some way to help, but not this time. She knew that there was nothing she could do to fix any of this.
"Should I leave you alone?" she asked softly, unsure. She took a step back to look him in the eye- she wanted to be there, but if he wanted her to leave, she would do so. Jackson shook his head, dropping down onto the bed. Lisa sighed, slipping off her heels. She climbed on the bed and sat behind him, her legs straddling his.
"You can talk if you want," she reminded him, sliding one hand up the back of his neck and through his hair. "I'll listen...but I'm not going to make you." Jackson nodded slightly, leaning into her touch. Lisa softly massaged his scalp, thinking back on the last hour. She definitely hadn't seen Caleb's confession coming- she had never expected anything like that from him. She had assumed he was angrier than he realized about things, but...she just couldn't believe what she had heard.
She bit her lip, remembering how Jackson had held that gun to his brother's neck. She couldn't see his face, but his pure rage was written all over his body. She had actually been terrified that he was going to kill him, but thankfully, Jackson had been able to regain control. The weird part was that she had been worried about Caleb, but more worried that Jackson was going to do something impulsive that he could never forgive himself for.
She sunk against Jackson, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek on his shoulder blade. That was why she had gone a bit overboard in showing Caleb that she wasn't upset. Oh, she was still upset about it, partially because of what he had actually done, but mostly because he had gone and told Jackson the whole thing, and by the expression on his face and Jackson's reaction, he hadn't exactly broken the news carefully. She was fairly sure that she had been right- telling Jackson about the confrontation hadn't helped anything. He was angry at Caleb and she knew that he was angry with her as well for lying to him.
"He made it sound worse than it was," she blurted out, and felt Jackson tense against her. She felt the need to do some damage control. It was her problem to deal with, not his. "It's not like he really hit me...not like when you hit Cheryl. It was more of a panic reaction than anything..." She laughed softly. "I just bruise like a peach." She felt weird playing down the situation, but was comforted by the fact that at least she wasn't lying to him. That was how she saw the situation, and she did bruise pretty easily. And she wanted so badly to lighten the load on Jackson's mind- there were more important things going on.
When Jackson didn't reply, she continued. "And later...I mean, he didn't...touch me or anything. And he stopped himself really quickly." She frowned, still trying to look at the situation objectively. "It wasn't really that big a deal." She sighed, closing her eyes. She was trying, but she knew that she probably sounded exactly like an abused wife making excuses.
"Not that big a deal," Jackson murmured, tipping his head to the side to rest it against hers. "I think you're full of it."
Lisa bit down on her lip. "You know me," she insisted softly. "If it really was that bad, don't you think I would have come running to you? Do you think I could have kept it from you if I was really that upset about it?" She laughed softly, tightening her grip. Please believe me...please let it go.
Jackson sighed. "Probably not," he conceded, turning to kiss the back of her head. Lisa straightened her posture, resting her chin on his shoulder and turned to look at him. "I trust you," he finally said, giving her a weak smile. Lisa returned his smile the best she could and kissed him softly.
She wanted to tell him about her new decision regarding his job, but didn't know how to start. On one hand, it seemed like the very wrong time to be talking about it, but on the other, she felt like he could definitely use a topic change.
"Caleb and Ben talked to me about the agency," she explained, turning to rest her forehead on his shoulder, "and I think I get it. Well, kind of. I get why it's important to you, even if I don't really get it...if that makes sense. She lifted her head and dropped it softly again, sighing. She was rambling again. "But I think I'm okay with it, and I'm really sor-" She cried out in surprise when Jackson dropped back, pinning her against the bed.
"Don't apologize," he interrupted, the words coming out as a sigh as his head rested on her shoulder. "I don't want to hear anymore apologies or revelations for...ever." Lisa nodded, maneuvering her arm to run her hand through his hair again. She bit back a smart-ass urge to apologize for apologizing.
"Alright," she agreed. "No more apologies. But I do take it back- I don't want you to quit...at least not for me...or for Caleb, or any other reasons other than if you want to." She lifted her neck and turned to look at Jackson, who remained silent. She had expected some kind of reaction.
"Ben already told me," he explained, turning his head slightly to look at her. "And...it means a lot to me." Lisa raised both eyebrows.
"How much did he tell you?" she asked curiously. Did Ben also tell him about the somewhat nasty things he had said to her?
Jackson furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. "Not much," he replied. "Just that you changed your mind, and they talked to you." He frowned when Lisa laughed dryly. "What?"
She shook her head, playing it off. "Oh, it's nothing," she assured him. Jackson had mentioned that Ben wasn't the most reliable at relaying stories, but it seemed that this time he had understated the situation. Or maybe he hadn't and Jackson didn't really care. Either way, it wasn't worth bringing up. "He's just kind of weird," she explained, provoking a small smile from Jackson.
"You noticed," he agreed, rolling off of her. He sat up, looking down at her as though he were studying her. She could tell that he wanted to say something, but he remained silent. Lisa waited silently, keeping her promise to not pry, but he had that same look on his face that he had on that original flight after seeing her scar. His face was dark, pitying, and just as unnerving as it had been.
"I don't think I can forgive him," he admitted, and Lisa realized that he was staring at her cheek. "Even if you can," he continued quickly, cutting her off before she could respond. "When it all started with our parents, I kept trying to figure out why he was hurting her...what could motivate someone to take out their anger on someone else like that." Lisa swallowed hard, sitting up. Jackson reached forward and started unbuttoning her shirt, avoiding eye contact.
"For a while, especially after we joined the agency and started all the killing, I wondered if I was like him. But I'm not. I know I hurt people, kill them, use them...but it's not the same. It's not better, but I never really enjoyed it," Jackson continued, sliding Lisa's shirt down her shoulders. She watched him frown, her throat dry. It was a good thing that Jackson wasn't expecting any kind of response, because she had no words for him. She was tempted to remind him that along with their "no apologies" deal came no revelations, but she wasn't about to cut him off now.
"And it's rarely been out of anger or insecurities or anything like that...I know what I'm doing, and..." He sighed, looking at the scattered bruising left by Caleb's fingers and the larger bruise on her back from being shoved against the door. "But it's not like that for him, is it? You heard him...he enjoys it." He softly traced a pattern across the small bruises on her arms, barely making contact with her skin. Lisa shuddered. She had definitely heard it. And she couldn't help but wonder if Caleb really would go back to his old life when this was all over. He had said he thought he was over it...not that he really was.
"Jesus..." Jackson sighed in frustration, his face eerily controlled. Lisa wondered what he was seeing in his mind- he definitely didn't seem to be "there" anymore. "How could I not see it? We all got the adrenaline high, but..." he trailed off, pulling back from her arm.
Lisa bit down on her lip. She wanted to comfort him somehow, to explain that it wasn't his fault that Caleb had been keeping so many secrets, but Caleb's words kept repeating in her head- you talk about things you just don't understand. But when Jackson gave her that same desperate look she had seen back in Jeff's room, she couldn't keep her mouth shut.
"He's not your dad," she told him, trying to sound confident, "and neither are you. From what I can see, you do your job because you can't sit back and watch people get victimized." She waited for Jackson's small nod of confirmation before continuing. "And I thought that Caleb did his because he wants to help victims, and I still think I'm right, but maybe he's more like you than I thought...but just dialed up more." She cringed. No matter how much Jackson teased her, she was definitely not a psych major. "I mean, has he ever really hurt anyone innocent? I killed his wife," she pointed out quickly when Jackson motioned to her, "and he's made it quite clear that he doesn't appreciate how much I've...manipulated you, in his words."
Lisa fell silent when the anger on Jackson's face confirmed that she had said too much.
Poor...everyone, really. Like I said to Miss Artemis, the next chapter will be pretty much exclusively Jackson and Lisa finally laying everything on the line to each other instead of going through mediators. Hope you enjoyed Caleb going off the deep end.