Alright...this one took way too long. So sorry for the delays, but I must have written and re-written this chapter four or five times, and changed the direction quite a few times, too. I just wasn't liking where it ended, but with help from Pirate Gyrl and AmelyShine, I finally finished! And if it's any consolation, it's the longest chapter yet. At least I didn't spend a month writing two paragraphs. :)
To my reviewers: You make me the happiest little Orlha possible. I was incredibly nervous about this chapter, but you all seemed to pick up on the signs as they popped up, or at least could easily piece them together after the big reveal. Since I didn't send out previews for this one, I'm going to write a "side story" (more like an outtake) that might make up for my neglect. Since I ended up skipping most of Lisa and Jackson's flight to Miami, I decided to write it all out and send it to you guys! It should be in your inboxes sometime in the next week or so. If I don't have your email, please send me an email at dick0382 umn . edu (without the spaces), because it's easier than PMing.
BW4eva- Glad I was able to make it suspenseful for you, and I'm even more glad that you enjoyed it.
KnoKnayme- God, that made me laugh so hard. Instead of a monocle, does she get a lovely corseted gown?
Eva- Don't worry, Lisa doesn't really hold a grudge against Caleb. She feels more sorry for him than anything else. So they should be okay. I love CxL too- actually, there really isn't a pairing I don't enjoy writing. And you're right- Jackson and Caleb can be as different as day and night or as similar as day and later that same day. I don't have a real CxL 3 moment planned, but I could write a slightly AU side story if you email me. I already have the idea, so let me know if you're interested. But in this "canon" story, he'll be there for her- don't worry about that.
Oh, and it occurs to me that you might like Lisa's other anthem, "Talk to Me" by Peaches. It's similar to "Power and Control"...you might like her style.
Betty- Well, thank you! You make me blush. :)
Tamarra- Wow, that's so encouraging to hear. One of the last things I want is to leave the reader going "well, who didn't see that coming?"
Pirate Gyrl- lol, the image of Genie giving them a group hug amused me for days. :P And you're right in both aspects. It's not going to deter Jackson from protecting his little brother...but it will definitely help him really see Caleb instead of having this idea in his head of who he is.
Right again! Let's just be grateful that Jackson had the self-awareness to not let them leave. They might still have it out, but at least it won't be the irrational anger and impulsive reactions.
MademoiselleGF- Yes, Caleb is a tight bundle of fear and self-loathing. But he's going to get better (especially if Ben has anything to say about it, which we'll see in ch. 35). I know exactly what you mean about Lisa lying, but sadly, it was something she had to do (in her mind). I know she has her moments where she's irritating as hell and seems to do stupid stuff, but she is trying her best. This definitely isn't her world.
Miss Artemis- Honestly, I might have wimped out on them really hashing it out, but they definitely make it as far as they can in this chapter. I totally agree. It's sad that Caleb felt the need to do that to Jackson, but at the same time, he really hurt him. But Jackson understands- no worries about that. And in my mind, most of Caleb's reflecting hatred onto Jackson was unconscious- I don't think he really realized he was doing it until the very end.
That's one of the issues that's really plaguing me in this story. I like Caleb and Ben, and I worry a lot that I'm building them up into too important of characters and that I stop focusing on our real main characters. But on the other hand, they really are integrated now, so I can't really push them out of the story. It's one of those things where not everyone is going to enjoy it. Thanks for the support!
Guest- Glad you like it. :)
And now...the moment we've been waiting for:
Chapter 34: Unintended
"Manipulated?" Jackson spat, and made a move to get to his feet. Lisa grabbed his wrists even though she knew that if he really wanted to, he could break out of her grip. She also knew that his nerves were stretched razor thin, and the wrong words could probably send him right back to his brother...and she definitely hadn't said the right words. Jackson yanked his hands away, but stayed on the bed, glowering at the comforter between them.
"That's what he said," she confirmed, knowing that there was no way to take it back. "When we talked about me trying to get you to leave." She sighed, tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling- why did every ceiling have to be popcorn?- as though it could help her. She didn't feel like she could cherry-pick her way around this one.
"He- and Ben- said that I was getting you all confused about whether or not you're doing the right thing and then using it to my advantage to make you leave," she explained quickly. She looked at Jackson again when she felt the bed jostle. Jackson was sprawled on his back, his arm draped across his eyes.
"Bullshit," he snapped. Lisa crossed her legs in front of her, resting her hands in her lap. She didn't know whether or not to argue this point with him- she really had done those things, even if it wasn't intentional. "I'm not that easy," he muttered, sliding his arm up to rest it in his hair. He looked sidelong at Lisa. "Yes, obviously I've had some...issues...recently, but they're mine." He shook his head slowly.
"But I've been on your back so much," Lisa reminded him, leaning forward. Jackson laughed dryly.
"Leese..." he began, her name coming out as a somewhat amused groan, "...do you really think I never questioned my actions before I met you?"
"But what about you saying that you were fine before you met me?" she argued quietly. She still didn't know quite what to make of what Jackson had said to her that night. He turned his head to look at her, his eyes softening at her hurt tone.
"I was fine," he replied, absently tapping his fingers on the comforter, "and you of all people know what that means." Lisa nodded sadly. She knew all too well.
"It means you're surviving," she said, playing with the hem of her skirt. "You're not good or bad...you just are, right?" She looked up for confirmation, and he nodded.
"And you..." He sighed, shaking his head slightly as he looked up at the ceiling again, "...you don't let me just do that. You just need more and more from me." He shook his head again. "I haven't had anyone need anything from me in a long time...at least, nothing that wasn't associated with work. My associates don't ask about my past or how I'm feeling about things."
Lisa frowned. She was surprised at how candid he was being- it was almost a complete 180 from how trying to get him to open up usually went. But she wasn't sure she liked how he was saying it. "You make it sound like I'm this difficult person to be around," she noted. Jackson shrugged.
"You are," he replied, and chuckled. "Oh, don't give me your sad eyes. You're the one who said that I don't want things to be easy." Lisa laughed softly. She lifted Jackson's arm and lay down perpendicular to him, resting her head on his chest while being careful to avoid his injuries. Jackson maneuvered his arm, draping it across her waist.
"But I have been manipulating you," Lisa insisted, her voice small. She had accepted that she had been wrong, and even if she couldn't apologize for it, it didn't seem right for Jackson to pretend that it was all on him.
Jackson tightened his grip. "Why?" he asked, frustrated, "Just because Caleb and Ben say so? Is that why you're willing to stay...just because they said the right words to you?" Lisa turned her head to face him, frowning.
"No," she replied sharply. She didn't really like the implication that she was so easily guided. "Because I know I have. You keep confiding in me, and I've been pushing you away from this life because I didn't want you to do it anymore, not necessarily because it's not right for you." She tried to sit up, but Jackson held her firmly. She turned away, unable to make eye contact now that she was finally ready to admit to him how stupid she had been. It was rather embarrassing, really.
"I honestly don't know what's right for you, Jackson. No, I don't like what you do. But it's obviously something that's important to you, and I've been just piling on all this guilt and making things more difficult. And I told myself that I was doing it to help you, but I'm not so sure you need help, really. You are who you are, and really...there's nothing wrong with you except for the fact that you think there is." She pulled away again, and Jackson finally let her go.
"I mean, you keep saying there is, and I keep telling you there's not, but I say one thing and then act another way, and of course it's confusing you-"
"Stop," Jackson snapped, getting to his feet. Lisa hung her head, resting her forehead in her palms as she propped her elbows on her thighs. Why couldn't they just get through the conversation? "I don't want to hear you saying that anymore, and if I hear it from either of them, I'll say the same thing." Lisa shook her head, but Jackson continued as though he hadn't seen her. "I did think about leaving," he admitted, and then was silent again. Lisa lifted her head to see him pacing in a small line. She rose to her feet and walked out onto the balcony, knowing that he probably wanted a cigarette. Sure enough, he was already lighting up as he followed.
As Lisa dropped down on a chaise lounge, Jackson sat near her feet. "I did," he repeated, "but it's not because you made me or convinced me or whatever you want to call it." He was silent for several moments, and appeared to be searching for the words. Lisa bit her bottom lip- after everything that had been happening, maybe they should be taking a break. He was obviously overwhelmed.
"We don't have to talk about it now," she offered, but Jackson shook his head.
"We might as well get it all out now," he replied, taking a drag, "because chances are one or both of us will be dead by this time tomorrow." Lisa was momentarily startled by his bluntness, but she reminded herself that she had been fishing for insight into exactly what Jackson's world looked like, and this was probably it. She had been under the impression that with Caleb and Ben's involvement, the odds were more in their favor, but maybe this was as good as it got. It was another sad reminder of just how much Jackson had been through- even the idea of his own death received a flippant remark.
"It had better not be you," she managed, pushing away the fear that was creeping in again. She reminded herself yet again that she had fought to stay, and that meant committing to it.
Jackson gave her a sad smile. "Likewise," he replied, taking another drag. "But it probably won't be you. They'll want someone to get information on the rest of the agency, and since you're the only woman, they'll probably try to keep you alive." Lisa frowned and moved around him to get to her feet, suddenly feeling nauseous. She didn't really know how to respond to that.
"You want something to drink?" she asked, needing to take a step back from the conversation for a moment. What did 'getting information' entail in Jackson's world? Was he saying that she would be merely interrogated, or would it be like in the movies with snapping bones and one of those spinning sandpaper tools- her dad would have known what they were called- to the flesh until she confessed?
Jackson nodded, eyeing her knowingly. "Water's fine," he replied. Lisa quickly retrieved two water bottles, pausing for a moment at the minibar. She briefly debated asking Jackson for clarification about what he had said, but realized that she would rather not hear about it. If he did mean the latter, his casual attitude suggested that he had partaken in such...activities...to the point that he had become blasé. She really didn't want to think about that.
Lisa dropped on the chaise lounge again, handing him his water. She took a slow drink, banishing the remnants of her previous thoughts while trying to wait patiently for what he was going to say next. "Well," he began again, setting the bottle next to his feet after taking a drink. "I told you that I went into the agency almost straight out of college, and that was over six years ago. Since then, that's been my life, basically." He took a quick drag. "It's been all targets, marks, and associates. The people who were with me wanted to be- it was by choice."
Lisa opened her mouth to say that she did want to be there with him, but took a drink of her water instead. She could tell that he was building up to something, and knew it was probably best to not contradict him right off the bat. Besides, when she had first gone to Minnesota looking for him, it was out of necessity, not choice, so he wasn't really wrong in that sense.
"And then I felt like I was dragging you much farther than I should have into the whole thing. I knew it was a bad idea to try things with you and that you would be so much better off far away from all this, but I did it anyway."
Lisa nodded slowly, but that same pang of annoyance was making its presence known. Maybe at first she hadn't come to him by choice, but she would have thought that by now, he would have realized that she did choose it. But considering what he had gone through with his brother, not to mention the suggestion of an ultimatum, it would probably be damn near impossible to really make him understand. "And having Caleb here probably didn't help," she replied, frowning. "Because you thought the same about him, didn't you?" Jackson nodded, smiling humorlessly.
"When he left, he told me that he's better than 'this life'," he told her. "I don't know, he just made it sound like I was beneath him and I just took it to mean that he only went into it in the first place because he was following me. And he left, and that was pretty much it...you know the rest. We didn't really talk, and when we did, he didn't really want to hear about the agency. He did most of the talking, really." He quickly flipped his bangs away from his forehead. "I just let it all get to me, I guess." He waved his hand absently before running it through his hair. "But I dealt with it and moved on."
Until I came along. Lisa shook her head, crossing her arms. She didn't know what to say to this. It was obvious to her that by 'dealing with it', Jackson meant that he had pushed it all away like everything else and refused to really face it. And now he was- they all were. When she had started prying into Jackson's life, she had never imagined in her wildest dreams that such a twisted story lay beneath the hard surface.
Not that she was constantly a drain on him- she couldn't help but wonder how the events would have unfolded if she would have surrendered in Miami. Cheryl would have likely still betrayed the brothers. Maybe Jackson wouldn't have survived the encounter with the Russians, but maybe he would have. Regardless, Jackson, Caleb, and Ben would all have likely been killed by Robert and his team. But in an alternate universe where things went differently and they survived all that, would the fact that Caleb and Jackson were working together again have been enough to bring their gnarled past to the present? Or would they have continued to be content in pretending that things were fine?
Lisa shook her head again. It was useless to think about the 'what ifs'. Only the present and the future mattered. She did wonder if Jackson regretted his decision to let her in, but there was no point in asking. Besides, it was yet another question that she wasn't sure she really wanted answered. She watched Jackson take another deep drag, tilting his head up toward the late morning sun, his eyes closed. He still looked so tense, but significantly less miserable.
"And you saw it as history repeating itself?" she asked softly, sliding closer to him. Jackson nodded as she moved to sit behind him again, but he remained silent. "I'm just here because of you, not because I actually want it? You're...ruining me, right?" She slid her hands up Jackson's back, pressing her palms against the tight muscles. Jackson nodded again, relaxing slightly at her touch. "And do you think that I'll leave you too when you're not enough anymore?" she asked tentatively, and felt Jackson stiffen again. She wished it could be as easy as reminding him that she wasn't Caleb.
"Yes," he replied softly. "It's inevitable. There's no future with me, at least not the one you want." Lisa frowned, but continued her ministrations. She knew that she had to hear him out- he would know better than anyone else what kind of life he saw himself living. "You said you wanted kids and all that...and that just won't happen."
Lisa pulled her hands back, her stomach dropping. How could he be so sure about it? "You don't want them?" she asked. Jackson sighed heavily.
"That's not the point," he replied flatly. "It just wouldn't work. I'd have to start lying to him from the start, about the things that should be a given in a kid's life." Lisa nodded. So he wanted them...maybe...but he was just worried that his job wasn't really something he could share?
"You could tell him or her eventually," she reminded him. "They'd understand why you had to lie about it." She laughed softly. "I mean, you can't very well have your kid standing in front of their class and telling them that their dad is an assassin."
Jackson shook his head, taking a drag from his cigarette. Lisa debated moving so she could see his face again. The conversation was both harder and easier when they couldn't see each other. "No, I know that," he explained. "I'm talking about my name. Leese...you know I live under an alias..." He trailed off, and Lisa paled, realizing what he was getting at. She had already realized back at Dallas Fort Worth that any future children she had would have to be raised under a different name, but it hadn't really hit her that she couldn't even tell her children her real name. She wouldn't be able to tell them about her father, or anything specific about her past. She couldn't show them yearbooks, photos- anything, really, because it would lead to questions she wouldn't fully be able to answer.
But they could explain it one day, couldn't they? Just like a kid can't be trusted with the knowledge of what Jackson did, they also couldn't be trusted with their real names. But the kid would understand- hopefully- and it's not like those little lies would change who Jackson and Lisa were. Well, that wasn't really true.
"And there's no chance you're going to quit?" she asked softly, almost to herself. She already knew the answer, but she felt like she had to hear it one more time. She understood where Jackson was coming from. While she still meant what she had said about not wanting him to quit for any other reason than because he wanted to, she also saw that while he was with the agency, he would never want or be able to have a family.
She remembered how shocked she had been the first time she had seen photos from World War II, knowing that her grandpa had been in that war and had been part of all that death. Even if it was miniscule, it changed how she saw him. And that was forty years before she was born. She couldn't imagine finding out that her own father- or mother- had not only killed many people, but was still doing so, or at least had done so until recently.
"No," came the blunt reply, and Lisa crossed her arms over her chest, bowing her head. He was right. On top of the lying, after all the things they had done, how would either of them be able to tell a child that they had to follow the rules- or even the laws for that matter- with a straight face?
"But what does that have to do with you?" she asked, making eye contact with him as he turned to look at her, confused. "Even if we split up and I met someone else, I still really couldn't have that future anymore...at least, not without feeling like a complete liar and hypocrite." She shrugged. "Yeah, it sucks, but it's just one more thing. And I kind of figured it out back when we first talked about what a new identity meant back at the airport, so..." She gave him a half-hearted smile. "...you'll have to do better than that to scare me away."
Jackson returned her weak smile. "I'm not trying to scare you," he replied, "I'm warning you." Lisa nodded.
"I know," she assured him. It was kind of funny to her, actually. He claimed that she was there because of his own selfishness, but he seemed to take every opportunity to try to convince her to leave. How did he not see that? He had given her a thousand reasons to run into the night, but never any reason to stay. Well, no verbal reasons. Did he not see the good things about him, or did he just think they didn't matter? Really, he was the opposite of selfish- he had told her that he loved her, shown her that he needed her, and yet he listed off the cons of a relationship with him with unbridled honestly, making sure that if she chose to stay, it was without misgivings. When Caleb had left the agency, it seemed that eventually, he mostly respected it and backed away, even though it was obvious to her that it had hurt him.
He was considerate- even though she knew that he didn't tolerate weakness, when things had truly become overwhelming for her, he did show her compassion. After the car chase, he had allowed a break even though it was definitely important that he get to Marie as soon as possible. As for her problems with her family, even though things fell apart in the end, he had tried to be there for her- in the dressing room, at the airport, in Ben's room. Even if he didn't ask the questions, he had made it clear that he would listen.
Beyond that, Jackson was smart in all the ways a person could be- he was witty, well-educated, seemed to possess a knowledge of 'the real world' that surpassed most of the people she knew. And, he was stunningly attractive. Yes, the last one was shallow, but the point was that there were so many positive attributes that drew her in, and yet, he seemed to hold fast to the belief that he was not good.
Why was he so eager to take on the blame for the things that happened? She remembered back in Minnesota, when he had tried to ease her guilt about what had happened to her dad. She had thought that he was the kind of man who easily shifted blame to others, but it was becoming more and more evident that Jackson clung to guilt, refusing to absolve himself. It was clear to her that in his mind, he didn't deserve any happiness.
The two fell silent again, but it was a different kind of silence. Lisa dropped her gaze to the ground. To say she felt uncomfortable was an understatement- she couldn't shake the feeling that Jackson was building to something, that at any moment he was going to cut and run. Maybe it was just because over half of their conversations in the last few days had ended with a break being inevitable and she was just paranoid.
"I tried to get our mom help once," Jackson finally said, turning away again to stare at a building across the street. Lisa snapped her attention back to him, caught off-guard. "When we were fifteen, a few months after it started...Caleb and I were snowmobiling, and I crashed and broke my arm." He laughed humorlessly.
"I've never even seen a snowmobile," Lisa blurted out softly, almost to herself. She blushed lightly in embarrassment- snowmobiles were so not the point of the story. To her relief, Jackson just nodded, amusement in his features.
"I'll take you out sometime," he replied, and paused, a small smile tugging at his lips. Lisa couldn't keep the stupid grin from her face, either. It was the first time either of them had actually spoken about the future without using conditional words or flat out rejecting the idea. In his mind, for a moment at least, Lisa was going to be around until this was over, and beyond. He saw a place for her in his future, and she definitely wanted him in hers. It seemed that she had been paranoid.
The moment passed, and Jackson continued. "She waited until the next day to take me to the doctor, which I'm sure would make Caleb cringe if he thought about it now...but Dr. Frederick wasn't in until then." He shook his head, and it amused Lisa somewhat to see him actually rambling. "Doesn't matter- anyway, Frederick and my dad went way back, and he asked me if I got in a fight with him."
Lisa shook her head at the sad irony, but Jackson didn't seem to notice. "Obviously he was kidding, but I looked at him and told him no, but he should see what my dad had done to my mom." Lisa raised both eyebrows. It was a very Jackson-esque response- a light comment on the surface, even a joke to some, but with dark truth hidden behind it. "My mom dismissed it as a sick joke, and Frederick believed her because I was 'the creepy one' and all that...she said I was a liar, and after that, I stopped trying to help her." He laughed again, stomping out his cigarette. "We never talked about it again...not even Caleb knows what I said. After the trial, that man couldn't look me in the eye until the day Caleb and I left."
Lisa shook her head sadly. She couldn't imagine being fifteen and being called a liar about something like that, especially when you weren't lying. From everything she had heard about that time in the brothers' lives, it wasn't really that surprising that they turned out the way they had. She wondered if on some level, Jackson liked living under an alias instead of his father's name. It had probably helped him avoid thinking about such misery.
"Fuck," Jackson hissed, getting to his feet. Lisa frowned at his little outburst, watching him move away and lean against the railing.
"What's wrong?" she asked, even though she knew that generally, it was a stupid question. But there was too much going on for her to pinpoint exactly what he was upset about at the moment. They made eye contact for a brief moment, and Lisa was taken aback at just how pained he looked. She saw absolutely none of the confidence that usually lurked somewhere behind those eyes, and instead, saw just how lost he really was.
"I can't do this right now," he finally said, dropping his gaze to stare at the ground. Lisa's face fell. She was crestfallen- how could they come back to this after everything that had happened? "Everything is-"
"Are you kidding me?" she snapped, interrupting him. She rose to her feet, her sadness quickly morphing into anger. "You're doing this again?"
Jackson's hands fell to his sides, gripping the railing tightly. "It's not like that," he explained defensively.
"Then what?" Lisa demanded, walking to stand directly in front of him. "What is it this time?" She knew that she should probably be cutting Jackson some slack, but the fact of the matter was that she was sick of him running and even more tired of chasing him or worse, falling back until he decided that he was ready to try again.
Jackson looked up at her again, his eyes darker than usual. "Maybe you should let me explain," he replied flatly, and Lisa's anger rose.
"Don't you dare give me that tone," she snapped. It was bad enough that he was breaking it off again, but to close himself off and act like he was made of stone? To talk to her as though she was some stranger and he didn't love her? That was just unacceptable. "Explain then."
Jackson quickly looked away, knowing he had been called out. "It's not you," he replied, his voice softer again. "I know that my walking away at this point isn't going to give you some kind of normalcy- I know that. And it's not even because you keep prying into everything." Lisa crossed her arms, shifting her weight to one hip.
"Then what?" she asked, no less angry. She wasn't interrupting this time- he had stopped talking yet again.
"Because I can't handle a relationship right now," he admitted, the words quickly falling from his lips as though if he paused, he wouldn't be able to get them out. "When I'm with you, you want me to tell you all these things, but it's just..." He clenched his jaw. "...it's too much, alright?"
"I can't believe you're doing this again," Lisa muttered, stepping away from him.
"I can't believe you don't understand why," he retorted, heading for the balcony door. Lisa quickly moved in front of him, blocking the exit.
"No," she snapped, defiant. "You said we had to get it all out, so you don't get to run away now." She crossed her arms again. "You're right- I don't understand. So explain."
Jackson sighed, turning away slightly. "I know you think that talking about everything that's happening is going to somehow make it all better, but you know what? I still have the same damn problems. It doesn't change what's happening- it doesn't fix anything."
Lisa shook her head. "Because keeping it to yourself has worked so well, right?" She ignored the pang of regret when a sad smile tugged at his lips. She knew that she was hurting him, but she couldn't just sit back and watch him walk out again. "I'm not trying to fix you," she reminded him. "I just want to be there for you. You know, support you. I'm not trying to force you to talk...I just told you that you don't have to-"
Jackson nodded shortly "I get that," he interrupted, and when he ran a hand through his hair, Lisa noticed how his hand trembled. "I even want to talk to you. Just not now." He sighed. Any reassurance Lisa felt was crushed again by what he said next. "And I don't know when I'll be ready."
"It doesn't work that way," she replied softly. She wanted so badly to get through to him, to make him realize that getting away from her also wasn't going to solve his problems. "Let me guess- you want me to back away for God knows how long, start a new life somewhere waiting for the day when you decide that I'm allowed in again, and in the meantime, you're going to handle what's happening with Caleb in the same way you handled everything else- push it away. And when you do decide that you want to try with me again, we're going to start all over again and before long, we'll be having this exact same conversation."
Jackson smiled bitterly. "I'm not talking about years," he explained. "I just can't say how long...five days, six weeks, two months? I don't know. I'm just asking for time, Leese."
Lisa shook her head. "I told you already," she reminded him. "I'm not doing this back and forth thing again." She bit down hard on her lip. It was hard to be so forceful with him, but she had to think about herself as well. She was aware that he didn't really address most of what she had said. She didn't see how backing off was going to help anything. She hugged herself tighter, bracing herself for what she was about to say. "So if you really want time...you can have all of it, because I'm not doing this again."
Jackson's head snapped to look at her, his jaw dropping slightly and his eyes pleading. Lisa dropped her gaze to the ground again, tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't handle that desperate face- it would make her completely lose her resolve, and even if it hurt both of them, she knew that she was right. The tears cascaded freely when she remembered his plea back in Dallas- Don't walk out on me like that again.
Each second that Jackson remained silent dragged on into a painful forever. Lisa wanted so badly to take it back. She wanted to tell him to take the time he needed, and she would be there. But it wasn't right. It wasn't just this one time, this one conversation- it was back in Minnesota, when he had admitted that he wasn't sure he wanted her to be out of his life, only to walk out. It was in Iowa, when he had told her that he had told her that he cared about her before storming away from the car. It was in Dallas, when he had kissed her only to lock himself up tightly again. It was in Jeff's house, when he had opened up to her in desperation and then sent her on her way, refusing to back down over a misunderstanding...it was every time he had opened up to her and then lashed out when he decided it was enough.
Countless times Lisa had been left alone, either physically or emotionally while Jackson regrouped. And when he 'came back', it lasted briefly before she was pushed away yet again. And yes, she was tired of it, but that wasn't the point. The point was that she would do it again and again because she loved him and wanted so badly to be there for him. But at a certain point...it wasn't helping. In fact, it was probably hurting her more than it was helping him, if it was helping him at all.
"Don't do this," he finally implored, his voice wavering slightly. "This isn't about some hypothetical future- right now, I can't be what I should be for you. But I want to be...I just need to get my head on straight first."
Lisa shook her head, forcing away her inner voice screaming to stop being a bitch and just give him what he asked for. "Then tell me I'm wrong," she replied, her voice strained. She squeezed her eyes shut to stop the tears. "I wouldn't even care if you didn't want to talk about your feelings, but like this...you're some kind of time bomb. If I hit the wrong buttons, you just blow up at me."
She cringed at how stupid that sounded, but she didn't know a more eloquent way to put it. She knew that she was coming across as the woman who just kept on pressing, who needed more, but that wasn't what she was looking for. She also knew that it was her fault that he saw here that way- she had gone too far too many times. If or when Jackson wanted to talk, she was willing to listen, but when he did open up, he ended up lashing out too, and that was what she hated. She fully understood that he had to face his problems before he could talk to her about them, but she had a feeling that he wouldn't.
She looked up to see Jackson run both hands through his hair, gripping the back of his neck tightly. "Tell me you're not going to shut yourself off and bury your problems again, and that we won't end up right here again when you do come back."
When Jackson remained silent, Lisa continued. "It's not going to take days or weeks for you to be okay with everything that's happened," she said. "It might take years...you and Caleb might never be alright again, really. You yourself told me that you're not really over what happened with your parents, and that was what? A decade ago?"
Jackson nodded tensely. "I'm not saying that," he explained weakly, and Lisa saw the glistening in his eyes before he shut them. "I know that I won't."
"And I'm not asking for you to magically be alright," she replied. She leaned against the glass door. She probably wanted to leave more than he did at that point- she hated how much it was hurting him- but they had to get through this. "I'm just...I can't handle you leaving when things get difficult anymore."
"I get that," he replied, sighing in frustration. "But I can't right now." Lisa sighed in frustration, her breath coming out as a shudder.
"Then what's the point?" she asked, feeling defeated. "You think you'll suddenly be able to someday?"
Jackson clenched his jaw, stretching his fingers to their limit in frustration. "Let me explain," he repeated, almost spitting out the words. Lisa bit her lip in regret, and almost apologized. She had gotten so caught up that she had forgotten that when Jackson was feeling incredibly overwhelmed, it took him longer than usual to get the right words out. They were definitely different in that regard- Jackson took his time, trying carefully to choose the most appropriate words- with varying success- and Lisa tended to speak before she even thought about it, reacting solely on what her gut told her.
"Right now," he continued when she remained silent, "I need to focus on the job. And after that, I need to focus on Marie." He shook his head. "If I'm thinking about everything that's happening, I'm not focused. And that can get us killed."
Lisa frowned, crossing her ankles as she leaned against the glass. "What are you doing with Marie?" she asked. Caleb had explained the hit Marie had put on her, but she hadn't heard anything else about it after that. Couldn't Jackson just explain to Marie that Lisa wasn't taking him out, and things would be fine?
Jackson leaned against the railing again. "We're going to kill her," he explained, and Lisa's eyes almost popped out of her head. That was a bit of an overreaction, wasn't it? Obviously she didn't like hearing that there was a hit put out on her, but she assumed that kind of thing was normal- kill those who got in the way. "When Ben refused to accept the job, she marked him, and..." He shrugged. "...it's just time for a new director. It's a longer story than that, but it's neither here nor there."
Lisa paled. It wasn't hard to piece together that if Jackson knew about the mark, he was the one ordered to carry it out. And even if he played it off, she had seen the respect and fondness in his eyes in Oklahoma and on the plane when she had brought up Marie. It had to have been difficult for him to decide that Marie had to be taken out, but he was explaining it casually, as though she were just another target.
Despite how easily he told her, Lisa knew that it had taken some toll on him, and it resonated with her. She was starting to understand what he was saying. The poor man was being hit from all sides, and he definitely seemed to be at his limit. She stared at her feet, thinking that maybe he was right. Maybe it was better that he bury the "irrelevant"- his issues with Caleb, their relationship- just like he had his obvious feelings for Marie.
Normally she would scoff at the idea and insist that a person couldn't just dismiss their own feelings so easily. But with Jackson...she knew he could do that. She had seen it with her own eyes. She didn't know how many times she had seen a storm raging in those penetrating eyes that just seemed to vanish when he willed it. But lately, she had seen the opposite happen more often- something in him seemed to fall apart when she was around, like her very presence broke his barriers.
She looked up again, meeting Jackson's eyes. She saw that there was something he was holding back, but he definitely didn't look like he was trying to figure out how to say it. He was deliberately keeping something from her, and she doubted he would just come out with it if she asked bluntly.
"But we're going after Keefe tonight," she reminded him, "and it can't take that long to kill Marie, can it? So..." She trailed off, eyeing Jackson pointedly. If all he was worried about was keeping his focus for those two jobs, they were probably looking at a week, max. Why was he being so dramatic about it?
"Do you trust me?" he asked, and Lisa nodded without hesitation, but she couldn't help but feel slightly irritated that he was playing the trust card. "Then please believe that you're better off going with Caleb for a while."
She shook her head. "No," she replied flatly. His tactic switch was too convenient, and she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being handled. "I need an explanation." She put her hands on her hips, daring Jackson to lie to her, claiming that he had already told her. Yes, he had explained that he needed to get his head on straight, but she could see in his eyes that there was more to it. And besides, the same problem came right back- he was talking about pushing the issues down to focus on the job, but at the same time, he was talking about facing them himself. It was all so confusing.
Jackson pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily. He shook his head again and gripped the bars of the railing. "Why did you change your mind about what I do?" he asked, and Lisa did a double take. Way to completely change the subject...
"I told you," she replied, her tone clipped, "Caleb and Ben talked to me about it, and the more I thought about it, I knew I was wrong." Jackson nodded.
"What did they tell you?" he asked, and although the question seemed innocent, Lisa felt as though he was definitely heading somewhere with the abrupt change of direction.
"I was worried about all the betrayal that's been happening," she replied, now curious to see where he was going. He just stared at her, waiting for her to continue. "Caleb told me that it's rare, and-"
"And I remember telling you the same thing," Jackson interrupted fluidly, as though he had anticipated her response. Lisa closed her eyes, a flush rising to her cheeks. He was right- he had already told her. "What else?" She shook her head, already knowing where this was going.
"They said some other things, but that was the biggest factor," she explained quietly. "They both talked about how the agency protects people- which you already told me," she added before Jackson got the chance. "And how you don't just do it because you want to kill people...it's because you aren't right for a 'normal life'- which you also already told me."
Jackson crossed his arms, and Lisa stared at the ground, wishing it could swallow her. How could she explain to him that it wasn't that she hadn't believed him, but that she just needed to hear it from someone else? She wasn't sure even she really understood why.
"Well, answer me this," he began, and Lisa looked up to meet his unimpressed eyes again. "If Caleb were standing here telling you that you need to go to New York, but wouldn't give you any other reason other than to trust him...what would you say?"
Lisa wanted to tell him that she would still demand an explanation, but she hesitated. She knew why he was asking, and she wanted to make sure that her answer was honest. She thought back to the various moments spent with Jackson's brother. She had questioned him many times, but it was usually when she needed advice on Jackson or what to do next...but had she ever questioned the actual explanations he gave her? Did she actually trust Caleb more than Jackson?
"I probably would do what he said," she admitted, her voice wavering slightly. It was so hard to say after the recent developments. She definitely had more of a reason to question Caleb's motives now, but what about before they had gone to her dad's house? Before his breakdown and before Ben had explained that both he and Caleb were fully capable of saying whatever they had to to get what they wanted from her? "But that's because..." she trailed off as she met Jackson's eyes again. She knew her reasons meant little to him.
"So don't you think you owe me the benefit of the doubt?" he asked calmly, and Lisa's cheeks flushed again. He didn't sound angry, hurt, or surprised, just somewhat vindicated. She supposed it made sense, though. He probably knew that in Lisa's mind, until recently, Caleb hadn't given her any reason not to trust him, whereas Jackson had given her many. In fact, he had given her more reasons since their arrival in Miami. He likely knew this, and that's why he couldn't very well be upset by the fact that she had been questioning his motives.
But that wasn't really the issue this time. Lisa didn't really think Jackson went through all that just to get his way. She was worried- there was something in the way he held himself that told her that the information he was hiding wasn't a trivial matter, to say the least. If there was even more danger, she felt as though she had a right to know.
Lisa stepped closer to him. "How about a compromise?" she suggested, and Jackson raised his eyebrows almost imperceptibly, his curiosity piqued. "We can change the order...if I agree to take a temporary break, will you tell me why?" She knew that he could easily refuse, saying that if he explained his reason, she might change her mind. She also knew that she could counter by saying that she was giving him the benefit of the doubt by agreeing to his request, and that if he still refused to tell her after, then he wasn't trusting her to keep her word.
Jackson let out a small chuckle of disbelief, running his hand through his hair. "I just told you," he replied incredulously, putting out his cigarette and immediately lighting another. He didn't even want the nicotine, but he needed to keep his hands busy and the small distraction was more than welcome. He felt a familiar jolt through his legs- it was past time to leave, but he willed himself to remain patient.
He didn't really blame Lisa, or at least he was trying to convince himself of it. He hadn't really been his most mature around her lately, so of course she thought he was just running away. But still...until this point, she had fully trusted Caleb, and she even went to Ben when she had been upset- which Jackson understood now, but it was still an indication of how much she trusted him- couldn't she give him something?
He had opened up to her the best he could- he did need to focus solely on the job, and after that- if they survived the night and if the fallout from killing Marie didn't go as badly as he predicted- he needed the downtime to himself just to wrap his head around everything that was happening. And he would face it...he wasn't sure how exactly, but he knew that Caleb's confession to him wasn't something he could just pretend hadn't happened...or at least, he knew that Lisa didn't think so.
In all honestly, during the time he had spent in his room away from his brother, Jackson was quickly accepting what Caleb had said. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that it had actually been fairly obvious- for the most part. He definitely hadn't expected Caleb to admit that he wanted their mother dead- where the hell had that come from?- but the rest...it actually made sense in its own twisted way. A rational man like Caleb definitely wouldn't be able to handle that rush that came with killing without feeling some kind of disgust toward himself.
Yes, it hurt him to know that Caleb had projected his self-hatred onto him, but really...Jackson wasn't as angry as he probably should be about it. He had always felt an urge to protect his brother, and if that meant taking on his hate...well, it was probably fucked up to most people, but Jackson was more upset with himself for not seeing things for what they were. Caleb shouldn't hate himself for enjoying what they had done, and if blaming Jackson meant that he hated himself less, then so be it. And as Ben had said, now that it was all out in the open, they could work with it. It wasn't the end of the world.
He knew that he would probably always harbor some resentment toward his brother for what he had done to Lisa, but he was even starting to accept that. He might not ever be able to completely forgive Caleb, but he knew that he could move on from it. It was horrible, but Jackson had to force himself to remain objective. In a strange way, it was almost as though Caleb hadn't really been trying to hurt Lisa. He had been trying to get Jackson's attention, or take his anger on himself out on Lisa as an extension of Jackson. It explained what Caleb had done to Lisa and why he had told Jackson in such a...cruel way. Regardless, it was another one of those things that would heal with time and not with forced discussion between himself and Lisa or even himself and his brother. It was one of those things that talking would never fix.
"But it's not making sense," Lisa insisted, tearing Jackson from his thoughts again. "If you need to focus on the job...that won't take long. What exactly are you asking for?"Jackson took a deep drag of his cigarette, his annoyance flaring again. This whole discussion was like a water wheel.
"I need to focus on the job, and after that, I need time to myself...to face things. That's it," he replied, forcing his voice to remain even. Lisa crossed her arms.
"But will you actually face it?" she asked, and Jackson exhaled sharply. This was it- this was when the whole trust question kept coming back into play. She assumed based on his past behavior that he would go right back into his shell when given the chance, but he wouldn't. Just because he couldn't handle talking about what was happening didn't mean that he wouldn't face it internally once this was over.
"I said I will, didn't I?" he asked tensely. He knew there was nothing logical that would lead her to believe that he really would- it was why he needed her trust, deserved or not.
There was also the fact that if the fallout from Marie didn't go well, he didn't want Lisa anywhere near him. Not that he would tell her about that- she would likely interpret it as Jackson using 'I need time' as a bullshit excuse to keep her out of danger. He wanted her to be safe, but he was done pushing her away to protect her. He would tell her eventually, but not during this conversation.
Lisa surprised Jackson by nodding. Apparently she finally believed him. His relief was short-lived, though. "There's something else, isn't there?" she asked quietly, concern on her features. "There's another reason you want me to leave..."
Jackson clenched his jaw. Yes, he was keeping something from her, but it just didn't factor into his request. And he knew that if he told her, she wouldn't buy it anymore. "You do realize that there are other things on my mind than us, right?" he asked, his tone clipped. The hurt and embarrassment in Lisa's eyes made it clear that Jackson's remark had hit its target. He knew he should have been nicer about it, but Christ- he had told her his reasons, but she just kept pushing him for more. If being patient wouldn't work, then being blunt should.
"Fine." Jackson tossed his cigarette to the side when Lisa turned to leave, defeated. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him.
"Listen," he began, "I swear that I'm not asking for any other reasons than I told you." He wrapped an arm around Lisa's shoulders, pulling her close to him. He really didn't want to part on bad terms, and knew that he had to give one last attempt at making her understand. "It won't be that bad...once this is over, you can go to Minnesota with Caleb, get your divorce, your new license, and all that- and I promise that I'll come back when I can..." His cheeks flushed as he rested his chin on her head- he sounded like an idiot. "...and then I'll really be there." Yeah, that wasn't better. "...alright?"
Lisa relaxed against Jackson's chest, sighing deeply. She had been hurt by what he had said, but she was more angry at herself when she realized that yet again, she was sending mixed messages. She had told him that she wasn't going to fight anything from him, but she had gotten carried away and ended up interrogating him again anyway. She had been upset when he lashed out at her yet again, but pulling her right back was something he hadn't done before. And even though he wasn't apologizing for anything, she could hear it in his tone. He was trying to do right by her, so she should give him what he needed.
And if he said that he would work things out, she had to believe him. She owed him that. On top of that, she wanted to believe it was true. She wasn't his mother- she couldn't constantly keep an eye on him, nor did she even want to. She needed to just let him be...
The way he explained things, it was starting to sound reasonable to her. Maybe a small break when things were finished in Miami would be a good idea. They could both think things through without being practically forced into each other's space. It made sense, but now she didn't want to leave. She felt too comfortable in his arms. Maybe she was being naive, but there was something in the way that he had pulled her back to him that spoke volumes to her and erased the last of her anger and frustration. Somehow, she knew they were going to make it through this.
She moved her head to look up at Jackson, giving him a small smile as he pressed his lips to hers. She curled her fingers in his shirt, tightly gripping the soft fabric. With a soft sigh and a large dose of mental effort, she pushed away from him, still smiling. "I should go," she murmured, closing her eyes again as his face lingered near hers, their noses barely brushing. "Wouldn't want to keep distracting you," she continued good-naturedly, keeping a strong hint of teasing in her voice so Jackson would know she wasn't upset anymore.
Jackson laughed softly, kissing her gently again. "You're probably right," he conceded. Lisa giggled as his gaze dropped down to her mostly bare chest, and she placed her fingers on his jaw, pulling him up to meet her eyes again.
"Focus, Rippner," she commanded firmly, unable to hide her amusement. Jackson trailed his fingers down her spine, causing a slight shiver.
"Then put on a shirt, Reisert," he replied, "if you must." Lisa shook her head as she walked back into the room, still grinning. She didn't bother mentioning that she hadn't been wearing a shirt since the beginning of their conversation, pulling the button-up over her arms and across her chest.
"Did you mean what you said about not trying to fix me?" Lisa's fingers stopped as she looked over her shoulder to glance back at Jackson again. He leaned against the balcony door frame, his arms crossed.
Lisa nodded. "I know I get carried away sometimes," she replied, turning to face him. She couldn't help but smile again when Jackson turned against the doorframe, his body now facing a different wall. She wondered if he realized that he did that- she had noticed that both brothers seemed to avoid standing face-to-face. It was just another curiosity, really.
"But really, I don't want to drag things out of you...anymore. I don't mean to press you," she explained, continuing to button her shirt again. "I'll listen to anything you want to tell me, though." Jackson nodded, visibly relaxing, and Lisa ran her hand through her short hair. "Did you mean what you said about wanting to talk to me?"
He nodded again, and Lisa smiled, a warmth spreading across her chest. It was a little ridiculous, but she couldn't rid herself of that little bit of giddiness. She felt like they had found their happy medium, and more and more she was accepting the impending break. "What are you going to do now?"
"Wait for Ben to come back," Jackson replied, and Lisa could already hear the manager chill creeping into his voice. It was eerie, but fascinating. "We still have to work out some details."
Lisa nodded. "We can use tape on our doors to keep them unlocked," she told him. "The censors won't be able to tell the door's open if it's up against the frame, and that way, there won't be records of us using our keys to get back in."
"Good to know," Jackson replied, looking somewhat impressed. Lisa laughed softly and turned to walk out. As her hand touched the doorknob, she turned around again.
"When I was in high school, my mom tried to get me into modeling. She had it in her head that I could make up for her somehow...she failed at it," Lisa explained softly, watching as Jackson's posture changed with his obvious curiosity as to where this had come from.
"That's why I started doing sports. I mean, I liked it after awhile, but I didn't do it because I wanted to, really. I had no interest in modeling and agencies don't want a girl whose thighs touch." She laughed again at Jackson's confused expression. "Sports build leg muscles and make your butt big," she explained. "So my mom didn't get what she wanted, and that's why I wear skirts now...I could never really make my legs smaller again. Now they're a reminder of how I was too afraid to just tell my mom I didn't want to model." She shrugged lightly, smiling shyly at Jackson. She hoped that he wasn't just taking this as another 'woman bitching about her appearance' moment. "I've never told anyone else that before," she finished pointedly.
Jackson nodded slowly, and she could tell that he knew she was giving him a secret of her own. Lisa had realized that while Jackson had been opening himself up more and more, she hadn't really told him anything he didn't already know. And that wasn't really fair, so she thought she should tell him one of her embarrassing stories.
"I think you look good in jeans," he finally replied, his lips curling into a cheeky little grin.
Lisa broke out into laughter again. "Or without them, right?" she asked, laughing yet again when he nodded. She continued giggling to herself as she left the room, deciding that the moment was a good place to part.
Hope I didn't drive too many people up the wall with yet another little split. It was headed for a more permanent, angry break, but Jackson and Lisa fought me and ended up on good terms, thankfully. And don't worry- they're not literally splitting from each other. They're still going to work together and everything, but there won't be much talking for a few chapters. And the Keefe scenes will start in chapter 36, if not 35, so we're heading right into it now!
If anyone is interested, the name and much of the inspiration for this chapter comes from Muse's "Unintended". Check it out- it's very sweet.