"Drum Fills in Our Hearts"
Chapter 4: A Wednesday with Dr. White
Quinn's arms crossed tightly against her chest in the passenger seat of her mother's blue Camry. Emptying office parking lots and cars pulling into driveways were a regular scene on her Wednesday commute from Lima to Columbus. She usually didn't have a chance to notice them. As a passenger, she tried to clear her mind and focus only on her surroundings. It didn't take long before her mind drifted to the scene she'd made at Rachel's house and her impending doom in Dr. White's office.
Her mother had insisted. She'd taken off of work - her night shift at the hospital. She'd said it with that strong Fabray jaw and that tone that said, I dare you to say something back to me. Quinn knew there was a big change on the way. She didn't want to contemplate what, but that wasn't easily helped.
The ride was silent. Completely. Even her mother's favorite light radio station was cut off five minutes into the drive.
When they'd arrived at Dr. White's office, it seemed that he'd expected the pair rather than a solo. He knew this was coming.
"Judy, good to see you again." Dr. White gave his ever-warm smile and nodded at Quinn's mother. He'd spent enough time with Judy Fabray to know that was all the compassion she'd tolerate. If Quinn recalled correctly, the last tiem they'd seen each other was about a year prior, after her last big mishap on the soccer field at her old school.
"Len," Judy acknowledged with a nod. Quinn felt her mother's and Dr. White's hands against her back, guiding her into his office.
She and her mother sat on the couch for this visit, Dr. White behind his desk. The office seemed more professional than her past visits - the overhead lights brightened the room, the curtains blocked the waning sunlight, Quinn's files laid in a towering stack on his desk.
"Quinn, your mother called me this morning very concerned. Do you know why?"
She felt two sets of eyes burn into her and dropped her eyes to a spot on Dr. White's floor. Her leg began to twitch, setting a rhythm to an unknown song. She nodded.
"Your mother obviously cares about you very much to bring you here to discuss this. Judy, as you remember in our call this morning, I asked you to save our conversation for a time when Quinn could be present as well. Quinn is maturing into a young woman and she needs to be a part of the decision-making about her own life." Dr. White's voice was firm. It had been years since Quinn had heard a man talk to her mother like this. She looked over at her mother's set face to gauge her reaction. Her mother made eye contact with Dr. White and nodded, emotionless.
"I am concerned, Len. A parent called me in a panic yesterday afternoon, someone I have never talked to, nor met in my life." Quinn couldn't bear to look in her mother's direction. She knew she would find disappointment, or anger, or frustration. She'd find the exact thing she didn't want to find from her own mother. "This father frantically told me that he needed for me to leave work at once to come pick Quinn up, that something was very wrong with her. Obviously, I was worried."
Quinn sighed heavily, to the extent that both her mother and Dr. White looked in her direction. "Sorry," Quinn mouthed.
"So I came over. This father, Mr. Berry, said that Quinn had been taking a shower in a girl's room - which," Judy turned to face Quinn with anger in her eyes this time, "what in the hell were you thinking taking a shower in a girl's room? I thought that...that thing didn't work."
Quinn felt her face heat up as she found her spot on the floor and her foot resumed its rhythm.
Dr. White cut in to save Quinn. "Judy, let's keep it to what happened and why you're concerned."
"Well, I'm just saying. I'd like to know if I should be worried about someone telling me my child got some hussy pregnant."
"Mom, you know I can't..." Quinn started. Her voice trailed off quickly when she looked up to see her mother's face.
She glared at Quinn, then Dr. White, then resumed. "Doesn't matter. Anyway, this Mr. Berry said that Quinn had collapsed in the shower and his daughter had found her in there face down with a bloody lip. The girl, what's her name, Quinn?"
"Rachel," Quinn said quietly to the floor.
"This Rachel found Quinn on the floor and picked her up and..."
"That's not what happened, Mom," Quinn cleared her throat to speak a little more loudly.
Quinn's mom rolled her eyes and responded, "Well illuminate us, please."
Quinn gave herself a moment to shoot her own glare at her mother. It felt safe in Dr. White's office. While most teenagers could glare at their parents without consequence on a daily basis, Quinn had rarely taken the chance.
"When Rachel came into the bathroom, I guess I woke back up, or whatever. Rachel said that I'd yelled for her to get out and when she did, I covered myself up with a towel and gotten into her bed, where she tucked me in and got her dad." Although there wasn't a single, cohesive memory of the event, Quinn had had enough time and phone conversations with Rachel to piece together a narrative. She knew she'd have to talk about it at her session today, she just didn't know that her mother would be present.
"Still doesn't explain what in the world you were doing in this girl's shower, does it?" her mom asked, voice raised a notch.
"Judy, we can leave that for another time. So, tell us why you called me this morning."
Quinn felt the couch move as her mother took a deep breath and turned back toward Dr. White. Her voice dropped to an almost unrecognizable quiet pitch.
"This medicine." Her mother paused long enough that Quinn looked up and over at her. Judy cleared her throat and continued. "This medicine is not right for her. It's too risky. I don't know what to do and I know Quinn wants to stay on it, but this is not ok. She can't...I can't...it's just not right for her." Quinn continued to study her mother, who stared at a spot on Dr. White's desk. Her face was red and Quinn could have sworn that she heard her voice break in there a few times.
Her phone saved her from saying more. She looked at the screen before turning back to Dr. White. "I need to take this."
"If it's ok, it'll just be myself and Quinn for the remainder of the session, Judy?"
She nodded as made her way to the door.
The silence settled around them. Quinn could faintly hear her mother talking on the phone in the waiting room. She wondered who could have called, if it was work or someone that she was seeing or a relative. She wondered so that she could save herself from the inevitable next words of Dr. White.
Dr. White let her sit in her silence, but only for so long. "So, how are you Quinn?"
Quinn wasn't sure why, but she felt her fists begin to clench and her foot to tap at a faster and faster tempo. Her nostrils flared and she felt herself do something she so rarely did: lose control.
"You don't care, so don't ask me!" She yelled loud enough that she was sure her mother heard. Her eyes bored into Dr. White and she felt her palms begin to sweat. The black spots indicative of a blackout floated behind her eyelids. "You're just wondering what to do with your experiment next. I'm some creature that Dr. Frankenstein gets to play with and you've been rubbing your hands together waiting to start the next step. Why don't we just talk about that?"
She collapsed back on the couch and felt tears drip down her cheeks and onto her jeans. She couldn't stand to look at Dr. White any longer and closed her eyes, letting the sobs come more fully until the wracked her body and sent her doubling over in grief. She didn't know where the rant had come from. She'd never perceived Dr. White in a negative way. If anything, Dr. White was the most familiar man in her life.
When she looked up again, tears still in her eyes, Dr. White was sitting next to her, tissues in one hand and the other hand on her back.
"I've never," Dr. White's voice was quiet. He took off his glasses and Quinn saw him rub his eyes before she averted her own. She didn't think she was supposed to see him cry. "I've never wanted you to feel that way, Quinn. I am so terribly sorry that you do."
She felt the tears spring forth again at his grief, "Dr. White," she began sadly. She wanted to offer him some comfort. She was ashamed she'd lost control.
"No, let me, Quinn, for just a moment. I think your mom is right. I haven't been doing the job I promised to do when I received my license. Primum non nocere - 'first do no harm.'I promised that I would not hurt my patients. This medicine has hurt you to a dangerous degree."
Quinn could see that he wanted to continue. She wanted to let him speak. He so rarely shared his own thoughts on Quinn's situation. He usually let her work it out for herself. But, she felt the uncontrollable urge to stop him before he'd said too much and perhaps truly changed his own mind.
"But, I need this medicine," she pleaded through tears. "I needit. It makes me right. It makes things as close to the way they're supposed to be as possible right now. I can't explain it, but don't take it away. It's not a mistake." She took a tissue from Dr. White's grasp and blew her nose.
"I cannot, Quinn. I can't," he ran his hand shakily through his thinning hair. "I should never have let it go this far. You could have died in that shower. You understand that, right?"
Quinn breathed unsteadily. "Maybe that would have been easier," she whispered.
It was Dr. White's turn to let the silence sit. After a few moments, he grabbed his notepad from his desk and jotted something down quickly.
"The people in your life care very much for you, Quinn. It would not make things easier. Your life is a precious, precious thing and you should be experiencing it. This medicine is not allowing you to experience it. I will not be convinced otherwise."
Quinn pushed her palms into her eyes. The black spots returned as she pushed at her eye sockets harder and harder. "Please, Dr. White," she begged, almost hopelessly, one last time.
His hand rested again on her back, comforting her. "I'm sorry, Quinn. I don't have a choice."
Her let her cry again. Sobs crushed her forward until her face was in her lap. Dr. White's hand remained steady throughout.
When the room silenced again, Quinn noticed that there were no noises coming from the waiting room. Either her mother had left or she was listening to everything - her crazy rant, Dr. White's consolation, her endless tears.
"I know this isn't what you want, but we have to stop the medicine immediately. If that's no longer on the table, can you think of anything that would make you feel more at ease?"
"Surgery," Quinn whispered, almost immediately.
He nodded, slightly at first, then more noticeably. "Now, you're still seventeen and you can't consent yet. Plus, it's quite a lengthy and expensive procedure. This is something you'll have to talk to your mother about if you want it to happen soon. I need you to understand that. I know you two speak about this topic very rarely, but you're going to need to find a way."
"I understand."
"While we wait for that conversation to happen, can you think of anything else that you might need from me?" Dr. White said as he sat back down behind his desk.
Quinn thought for a moment. "What's going to happen?"
"With what?" Dr. White's brows were furrowed.
"With...you know. What if...it gets...you know..." Quinn's face reddened and she looked back at her spot on the floor.
"If your penis becomes erect?" Dr. White interrupted, getting to the point.
Quinn nodded quickly.
"Well, there are a few ways to handle that. One, you can leave it alone. Try taking a cold shower or doing something active to repress your thoughts and get your blood flowing to other parts of your body. Often, it will go away if you leave it for long enough. The other option is to stimulate it. You can touch it to..."
"Ok," Quinn quickly cut him off. "I don't want to do that. But what happens if it...you know...if that happens at school or something?"
"The best option is probably to excuse yourself. Go to the bathroom." Dr. White seemed to have all the answers.
"What if my teacher won't let me?" Quinn asked, concern rising in her voice.
"Well, I can write you a note that you can take to your teachers."
"It can't say anything about..."
"No, of course."
"Ok. I'd like the note, please."
Dr. White turned to his computer to type the note. Though his focus was on the screen, he addressed Quinn. "I'm also going to prescribe you an antidepressant Quinn. You're going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now and you've expressed some thoughts that can be classified as harmful. It's going to be a low dosage for now, but I think it's in your best interest."
He stopped typing and looked over at her. Quinn nodded her assent.
When they emerged from his office, almost forty minutes over schedule, her mother sat bleary-eyed, mindlessly flipping through a magazine.
...
The ride home lacked the relief Quinn thought might come following Dr. White's decision. Cold wind whipped in through a crack in the window, drowing out the quiet sounds of light pop from Quinn's mom's favorite Columbus radio station.
After thirty minutes on the road, Quinn's mom spoke. "Want to go to Hal's?"
Hal's was a Fabray landmark. As a waitress, Judy Fabray first cut her teeth in the working world at Hal's. Quinn's favorite (perhaps only) story from her mom's past was hearing the story of how Judy had accidentally spilled a platter of steaks and burgers in the lap of a presidential candidate who was in town campaigning amongst "the rest of America" in suburban Columbus. Hal's was the site of many a Fabray celebration, including Quinn's last day of middle school and her first soccer goal.
It was a place of comfort for the two-person Fabray clan, as well. Quinn could still remember that almost broken look on her mother's face when they'd visited Hal's after Quinn's father had said his final words to them. She remembered how badly she wanted to make her mother happy - drawing crayon pictures of their happy family on the back of the paper placemat. Her mother hadn't even looked at it. She hadn't even looked at her.
They pulled into the neon-lit parking lot, which was bustling with young families looking to feed their toddlers and have a nice night on the town.
Quinn ordered her Hal's regular: a hamburger with American cheese and extra pickles, no onions. Quinn knew before it had even come out of her mouth that Judy would have breakfast for dinner. Whenever they had a happy meal together - which is to say, almost never - Judy would make pancakes and sausage, or an omelet and fruit salad.
Quinn expected to entertain herself as they waited for their food. Her phone was almost on the table, ready to tap out a text message to Rachel, when her mother spoke quietly.
"How's your new school?"
It was barely new any more. Quinn had been there for two months. Most mothers would have asked the question after the first week, not the first two months. Still, Quinn felt her heart warm at the question.
"It's ok." She wasn't sure how much more she could say before her mother cut her off.
"Your classes?"
"They're alright," Quinn paused, but found her mother awaiting the rest of her answer. Judy's attention seemed to be divided between looking around the restaurant and waiting for Quinn's answer, but Quinn continued. "Math is easier than it was here. The Spanish teacher doesn't seem like he knows what he's talking about. But I like band class."
"Hmm," Judy turned her attention back to Quinn. "Maybe you can talk to your counselor about getting into some more rigorous classes."
"Maybe." It was Quinn's turn to split her attention. Her mother never had conversations with her. She worked to figure out the angle.
"Who's this Rachel girl? Is that where your drum set disappeared to?" Quinn's stomach dropped at the mention of Rachel. She remembered her mother's attack on the girl back in Dr. White's office. Rachel was not some hussy.
"Yeah, she's a classmate. She invited me to be in her band. We practice at her house."
"Are you..." her mother's voice dropped and she looked around before she leaned in across the table, "are you seeing this girl?"
"No, mom." Quinn said, that acerbic teenage tone touching each word.
The food arrived in time to save Quinn from any further embarassing conversation with her mother. As much as she relished her mother's attention and care, she did not want it to be over potential relationships that she wasn't interested in anyway.
They ate in silence. With her mother in a conversational mood, Quinn pondered between chews whether it was an opportune time to bring up the surgery. She looked up over her burger to find her mother's sad, tired face.
They finished the meal in silence, the only noise was Quinn's mom's fork clinking against her plate.
By the time they were back in the blue Camry and on their way to Lima, Quinn's mind had already moved past thinking about the surgery and it was focused on the next day. Thursday. Her first day in nearly five years without medicine. Black spots dotted the backs of her eyelids until she fell into an exhausted and restless sleep at 3 o'clock.