Author's Notes – I hold no rights to the characters of NCIS:LA.
Here you guys go! It's not quite what I expected, but it seems to work fine. I am still very much writing through feeling rather than thinking. Over-analyzing has proven to be a downfall in this instance. The only constant is Nell's diagnosis. The rest is just off the cuff and I am following where my fingers go.
Please read and review. I appreciate hearing all your thoughts!
Ananova – Thanks for the suggestion. Definitely filing it away for possible use later. I have kept the email notification in my inbox as a reminder! Just not sure when, or if, it will make an appearance.
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Standing outside his car looking up in the direction of her apartment, Callen takes a moment to breathe. Sam was right. He always is. Let her have space if she needs it, but don't walk away. Let her get mad. Let her cry. Let her be in charge. That's the hard one. He isn't so sure he can step that far away. That he can just sit and watch. His thoughts are interrupted at the sight of Eric coming towards him.
"You gonna just stand there all day, Callen?" He closes the gap before answering the question that he is sure the older man is thinking, "She's asleep." Callen nods in response. "It's been a long morning. Emotionally speaking anyway." Callen stands up straighter as he mentally prepares for Eric's wrath because he is pretty sure the man will blame him for screwing up once again.
Seeing the shift in his team leader's stance, Eric speaks up in clarification. "Look, Callen. I know this is hard for you too. I know she told you to leave and I know she said some things that really sucked to hear," he pauses for a second before continuing. "But she cares about you. She's just scared. And, until yesterday, you didn't really factor into the equation she is solving in her head. You were a small part when she left, but Nell didn't even know where you guys stood for sure." Looking at Callen's expression, he is not so sure he isn't just rambling. "Does any of this even make sense?"
Callen lets out a small laugh, "Yes, Eric. It makes sense. She is hurting. There's a lot going on. And now she has to account for me along with everything else." He puts his hand up before Eric can speak, "I know that isn't a bad thing. Trust me, I don't know what I'm doing anymore than she does at this point. I just know I have to figure out how to help her and let her know she can lean on me without driving her crazy."
Eric looked uncomfortable at the thought Callen was looking to him for some sort of advice, "Yea, about that. I would love to help, but I really can't." He takes in Callen's reaction before continuing. "Nell talked to me about that already. Apparently, we aren't even comparable as far as future plans go and, well, you rank higher than me which means...," he pauses looking for the right words. "Yea, good luck Callen." With that, the taller man moves towards his car and leaves before Callen can say anything else.
Taking a breath, Callen makes his way to her door and uses the key to enter it as quietly as possible. He doesn't want to wake her up at this point. Partially because she needs her rest and partially because he really doesn't know what to say. Or if she is even going to want him there. He takes a place on the couch and waits. Because, at the end of the day, that is the only choice he can make.
A couple hours later, she walks into the kitchen after hearing the familiar sound of him taking apart the toaster. She leans against the doorframe realizing he has no idea she is there. After a minute of watching, "The infamous taking apart of the toaster. I've heard about this, but never got to witness it before."
He jumps at the sound of her voice and immediately looks up when he hears her laughing. "Really, Nell? When the hell did Hetty teach you the ninja skills." He sets the screwdriver aside as he walks towards the fridge. She smiles and shrugs instead of answering. "Can I get you something to eat? Drink?" Before she has time to respond, Callen is grabbing a cold bottle of water and handing it to her.
"I guess I'll have some water." She smiles before opening the lid and taking a drink. "Did Eric leave any good munchies in there?" Nell watches as Callen open the fridge once again.
After a series of holding up various items and seeing Nell shake her head, "Ok. You know what would make this easier?" He smirks when he sees her expression. The innocent look doesn't really work anymore, but it's cute she still tries using it. "How about you tell me what you want. We can go from there." Giving her a second to ponder the question, he laughs when she comes up with nothing. "Pizza. Lots of cheese. The works. How does that sound?" The grin that spans across her features is the only confirmation he needs. Dialing the local pizza shop, Callen order them an extra-large pizza.
Following her to the living room, they take a seat on the couch. A few awkward moments are broke by her voice. "I'm sorry Callen. I never should have gone off on you like that."
He looks up and reaches out to take her hand. "You're fine, Nell. Really you are." He squeezes her hand before continuing. "Here's the thing. I am going to be bad at this. You already know that. With all the right circumstances, I am bad at relationships." Blue eyes lock with hazel, "Add in the extra and I promise you I am going to mess up even more. The only thing I know is I will be here for you. I just can't promise it won't get on your nerves."
She nods in response and then jumps up placing a dvd in the player. "Watch a movie with me, Callen." He looks at her slightly confused. "No more cancer talk right now. Let's just pretend it's a Friday night and you are making fun of my movie choices again." She gives him a hesitant look when he doesn't seem to be going along with idea. "I just want to have a little time like before. You and me watching a movie. Can we do that, please?"
Even though he isn't so sure dropping the subject is a good idea, he stops himself before he voices the concern. Remember what Sam said. Let her do this her way. He smiles and wraps his arm around her shoulder drawing her close to him. "I would love to make fun of your movie choices, Nell Jones." Feigning hurt when she slaps his arm, he leans them both against the back of the couch as the credits begin.
The knock on the door alerting them to the pizza man's arrival makes Nell jump slightly. She shakes it off quickly as she makes her way to the door. Knowing Callen already paid over the phone, she reaches in the drawer and grabs a couple of dollars for a tip before sending the young man on his way. She reclaims her seat next to Callen and opens the box taking in the smell, "Oh my god, this looks amazing!" After leaning in and giving Callen a quick kiss on the cheek, she grabs the biggest slice she can find. Even if it really isn't that much bigger than any of the others.
The movie ends and all Callen can think is he wish it had been longer. He is enjoying just being here with her. Like nothing has happened. He can pretend nothing has changed. He finds himself holding her closer to him as his thoughts shift to the diagnosis. "You're doing it." His breath catches in his chest and he finds himself holding it as he waits for her to continue, "Thinking about the cancer."
He pulls her away from his chest so he can see her face. "I can tell. You pulled me closer. Like you were afraid I would slip away or something." She gives him a sad smile. "You can't hold onto me tight enough to make it go away, you know that right?"
Callen shifts so they are sitting across from each other. Taking her hands in his, "I know that, Nell. I do." He takes a breath before speaking again, "But I need that. I need to be able to think that sometimes. Even if it isn't true. And even if it's only for a minute." Seeing the conversation seems to be going well, he continues. "I need to be involved. I know you have it all lined up. And you are independent and all that. But I need you to let me do something."
Nell gave him a look, "You are doing something, Callen. You are here. You watched the movie with me. Made comments in all the places I figured you would. Bought me pizza with entirely too much cheese because you knew that was what I would want."
Callen shakes his head before locking eyes with her. "Not those things. I need you to let me help with the other stuff." He wants her to know he much he needs to be there for her. "I don't even know what the next step is, Nell. I don't know when you go back to the doctor. What tests you need done. Those are the things I'm talking about."
She studies him as he speaks, "Can you even say the word, Callen?" She isn't mad and her words hold no edge to them at all. It's a simple question. Like she is asking if they need bread from the store.
"Yes, Nell I can say the word." The question strikes him odd. Of course, he can say it. He said it to Sam, didn't he?
"Then say it, Callen." He looks at her completely confused at why she is pushing something as seemingly simple as saying the word.
"Nell?" He is stalling. He knows it. She knows it. He has no idea why, but he just can't seem to give her the answer she wants. "What is this all about?"
"Say it." She reaches out and places her hand on his arm. Her voice lowers to almost a whisper, "Why won't you say it?"
He pulls her into an embrace and holds her for a minute before he speaks, "Because then it's real." He feels the tears threatening his eyes because he knows she needs him to say the word. To let himself feel it. Feel it with her. Saying it to Sam wasn't the same. It doesn't hold the same meaning as saying it to her. "Cancer, Nell. You have cancer." As soon as the words come out of his mouth, the tears fall as well.