A/N: WHAT AN EPISODE! There was some good Jate angst, and next week looks amazing. On a technical note, I'm still gettin used to how the document manager works, and since I hit 15 chapters, I've had to delete Chapter 1. If you have any trouble accessing it please let me know and I'll try and fix it. I'm probably missing something, but my minds still racing from the ep. 7 Days and counting.
Anyway, here's Chapter 15. I wanted to try and use music in this fic, and I got some good response about my use of it last chapter. Hopefully this chapter isn't a let down. Enjoy.
Chapter 15: If You Try Sometimes
How one night could go from extremely enjoyable, to slightly awkward, to downright depressing in a span of about 15 minutes was lost on Jack. If he hadn't just experienced it, he wouldn't have deemed it possible.
The woman of his dreams had attended the hospital's party with him, his father had given him an extremely rare vote of confidence and everything was perfect. All he had left to check off on the night's agenda was telling Kate how much he still felt for her.
That, unfortunately, is where the night had turned awkward. He'd tried no less than three times to have that conversation with her, and three times he'd been cruelly thwarted. Whether it was by his father, Kate's friend Sandra, or just plain bad timing, Jack rued his luck all the same.
Now, being here, home, all alone was where the depressing part of the night came in. The love of his life was out partying with friends, still not knowing how he felt. She may not be with Mark, but a bar was exactly the place where a gorgeous woman like Kate's dating status could change, all it took was the right guy.
Charlie had told Jack to fight for Kate, and look how that turned out. He'd tried, he really had. He couldn't just blurt it out, which would definitely have the exact opposite affect he was looking for.
It was time to try a new approach, self-pity.
Jack grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and headed upstairs. He fully intended on lying on his bed, and instead of celebrating with the wine, he'd drown his sorrows in it. It's not like he had any other option now, he'd run out of time. It looked like this time; it just wasn't possible to get the sole thing in life he wanted, no, needed most.
Jack sorrowfully trudged up the stairs, thinking about what had gone wrong. Despite his mood, he smiled to himself, where should he start?
Well, he could start the night he'd broken up with Sarah. It had felt like the right thing to do, and he rationed it freed him up to act on his feelings for Kate. But then he'd basically rejected her approaches to comfort him. I'm such an idiot.
He hadn't slept in his bed since that fateful night. He was almost constantly working, just to keep his mind off his personal problems. If he wasn't working he was drinking on the couch feeling more like Dr. Gregory House every day, and if he wasn't drinking on the couch he was sleeping off the surely excessive amount of alcohol in his system.
If there was one positive to come from all this, it was Kate hadn't noticed. He'd made sure to hide it from her. To be honest, ever since he'd told her he didn't want her company she'd seemed pre-occupied as well. She'd go to work like any other day, but when she got home she'd head straight upstairs and wouldn't re-emerge until the next morning. If she had a date with Mark, she'd follow the same routine except he'd see her for about 20 seconds on her way out the door.
The first few nights he was worried thinking she hadn't eaten, but then the third night after her date with Mark he'd heard a sound in the kitchen, putting his mind at ease.
He reached his bedroom door and saw his bed made just like he'd left it. It wasn't perfect, but hey, beds were made for sleeping not showing off weren't they?
He crashed down onto the bed, burying his head face first into the pillow. It was really comfortable for about five seconds, until he felt a lump right where his heart hit the bed sheets.
He momentarily raised himself off the bed and reached his hand underneath the covers to retrieve the offending object.
It was Kate's iPod.
Realizing that an iPod was a perfect form of extra release, he grabbed the ear buds. Music and beer were a perfect combination for Jack to loath himself for all his mistakes and hesitations.
He quickly turned on the iPod and started looking through the playlists. For some reason, he doubted Kate had a playlist called 'Getting Your Depression On', but his eyes glued to another playlist that caught his attention.
He selected the playlist, called Tabula Rasa, and the first song began to play.
He didn't even recognize the song at first, so he let it play while checking the song's name on the screen; it was Pete Yorn's "Lose You".
Jack was just enjoying the music, as it was granting him a peaceful way to let loose, when he started thinking. Why Tabula Rasa? Did that have some deeper meaning?
I don't need a better thing,
I'd settle for less,
It's another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world,
Alone.
The words struck a chord with Jack. Was Kate reliving their most pivotal moments? Was this how she released after bad days at work? It couldn't be. Kate had said she didn't love him- that was clear as day. This song though, it was almost like she was punishing herself. Did she have a deeper motive behind their break up, maybe she did care for him, but couldn't at the time? Of course, there was the major possibility Jack was clutching at straws. But there was only one way to find out.
Jack pressed the 'next' button, and a very familiar tune came through the headphones. He recognized it before he'd even heard the lyrics; it was unmistakably "Wash Away" by Joe Purdy. He'd heard the song on the way home from the air force base when they'd returned home.
I got troubles oh, but not today,
Cause they're gonna wash away,
They're gonna wash away.
It didn't take Jack long to figure this song out, because he'd felt the same way when he'd first listened to it. He'd made a lot of mistakes on the island, and he needed to forget them, and move on. He couldn't have prevented Boone from dying, and he couldn't have helped Charlie's untimely demise but he sure was grateful. Now was not the time to dwell on past mistakes, it was a time to move forward.
And oh, I've been cryin',
And oh, I've been cryin',
And oh, no more cryin',
No, no more cryin' here.
Jack pressed the next button once again and heard a classic. "Fresh Feeling" by The Eels. It was one of his personal favorites.
You don't have a clue,
what it is like,
to be next to you.
Try, try to forget,
what's in the past,
tomorrow is here.
I make a safe bet,
you're gonna get,
whatever you need.
From what it looked like to Jack, the songs paralleled Kate's life from the moment she'd left Jack. So, this was Kate's way of punishing herself into starting over. If only she knew that he'd tried to do exactly the same thing.
Tried and failed.
He hesitantly skipped to the next song, and was greeted by Frightened Rabbit's "Keep Yourself Warm". Jack knew that song well enough that he didn't want to listen. He knew the basic premise, and now was not the time to think about Sawyer.
It takes more than f*cking someone to keep yourself warm.
Yea, that was definitely enough of that song. The last thing Jack wanted to entertain right now was any lingering feelings Kate may have for Sawyer. But if this song was anything to go by, Sawyer was the least of his worries.
The next song on the playlist was "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse. Jack wasn't exactly a fan, but he presumed this was going to describe the night she'd showed up at his door. Jack remembered the night vividly, how his mood had gone from depressed to elated in the time it took to realize who was standing in front of him.
Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started,
Chasing after you.
Jack listened intently to the lyrics now, realizing every song in this playlist had a meaning. A small smile appeared on his face when he realized what she actually felt of her time with Sawyer. It wasn't as if she was trying to make him jealous, but she had done the one thing he'd made her promise not to.
She had told herself she wasn't good enough for him. That his life would be better off without her. She couldn't have been farther from the truth.
Next was "Good Man" by Josh Ritter. As much as Jack liked the song itself, the title told him exactly what he needed to know, and right now there was much more at stake than enjoyable music.
The playlist was shorter than most, and Jack could tell he was getting near the end. But with every song, he learned more about Kate's deeply hidden emotion.
Why don't we step outside,
And change our view.
We don't see eye to eye,
Sometimes its true.
Good times will come around,
When we follow through.
I just want to share a smile with a friend like you.
"Good Times" by Latch Key Kid came soothingly through the headphones. Apparently, Kate had gotten over her 'Sawyer' phase and now was having some of the best times of her life living with Jack. They'd gotten past that awkward stage that they were bound to go through, and finally they were back to how they started- best friends who shared some sort of deeper connection.
Jack was reaching the end of the playlist now, and next up was Black Lab's "Mine Again". Jack knew the song well, who didn't? But he'd never listened closely enough to find a meaning behind the lyrics.
There's a place I used to go,
there's a world I used to know,
there was a light and it was you.
Every word I say is true,
I say -
Every day I will wait - till you're mine again.
I will die every day - till you're mine again.
There's no words to explain - no beginning and no end.
I will dream, I will pray - you'll be mine again.
Before this moment, Jack was never really the biggest Black Lab fan. But right now, he'd wager there wasn't a single bigger one in the world. There was still hope. By taking the leap of faith he so desperately wanted, there was light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't face sure rejection; that was joyfully obvious to see.
Jack felt like he was back in his alcoholic days, but this time it was for good reason. When they said you'd experience mood swings, he'd never dreamed it was anything like this. Joy and hope, to embarrassment and depression, and then back again.
As happy as this seeming confirmation made him feel, there was still nothing he could do about it now. They could be at any bar in the city, and, knowing Jack's luck, Kate was bound to meet the perfect man tonight. On the bright side, Jack would live the single life a happy man, if such a thing were possible.
The song suddenly ended, snapping Jack out of his reverie. The next song required no name to him. It was one of the greatest, most well known songs ever written. But right now, to Jack, it was so much more. He ripped the ear buds out, and sprung off the bed.
Jack literally ran down the stairs, barely stopping to grab his keys on the way to his car. If there was a time when his uncommon knowledge of bars in the Los Angeles area would come in handy, it was now.
Meanwhile, back up in Kate's room, the iPod was still playing. As Jack peeled out of his driveway and onto the street, The Rolling Stones played on Kate's iPod.
You can't always get what you want,
But if you try sometimes you might find,
You get what you need.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review on your way out, even its only a few words. We're drawing closer to the end of this fic, and so hopefully updates will come more frequently now that summer has arrived.