BFTL: Happy end of the world, everybody!

SEK: Yeah, sorry for the long wait. Wolfie is not only splitting her time between two stories now, but she also had to work around her play and finals. But we're all on winter break now and we all fully intend on treating you all with more consistent updates. Right Wolf?

MW: Yes indeed. Which brings me to our second line of duty. Who here made a sacrifice to Satan because it sure ain't holy how many reviews thing story has. 21 reviews for the first chapter alone? Guys, that is positively amazing! Thank you.

BFTL: And by reading your reviews, we now know that we have to make a few things clear: Jerry is still gay and in love with Larry, but since Larry doesn't know it, there wasn't much emphasis on it.

MW: Also, we already have people analyzing this. People such as Fortune Maiden and Star of ages 14 have already correctly guessed that FB is about respecting other people and their fandoms. Good job, guys!

SEK: And we all hope that you enjoy!

Chapter Summary: After getting to know Alfred, Larry meets the rest of the crew and finds out the whole deal of this crazy war.

Warnings: Strong language, sexual themes, homophobia, and incest.

Disclaimer: We still own nothing but the cloths on our backs.

~Chapter 2~

You're All a Buncha Doitsus

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

-Dr. Seuss, American Writer, Poet, Cartoonist, and Key Ingredient to Every Kid's Childhood

THE WAR: Unknown day

I stared at him. Alfred grinned back at me, pointing a thumb at his chest. It was if he was stuck in a comic book world or something. I could easily picture this guy being best friends with Tony Stark and starring in The Avengers.

I dug at the dirt beneath my nails. Of course, I was on an unfamiliar ship, in an unfamiliar woman's body, with an unfamiliar weirdo. Right not was not the time to be thinking about Robert Downey Jr. Right now I had to be serious. So what do I-

"Hey! Girly!" Alfred jumped in front of my jail, waving his hands around like an idiot. Actually, he looked as though he was doing jumping jacks. Heaven knows, his abs sure was showing it. I could literally see his muscles extend and contract with each movement. I had to resist taking time to feel my own, weak biceps. In my normal body, I was pretty strong but I was a cute little blond chick right now and she was weak. "Did you hear me?" he demanded, still bouncing. "I said that my name is Alfred!"

I sighed and gave a reluctant nod. "I hear you the first time," I snapped. My eyes harden and my frown deepened. "So you said that you work for Erwin, right?"

He smiled and nodded giddily. "Sure thing! You and I are on the same boat, missy! I-" He paused, realizing what he said. Scratching his face, he added, "Pun not intended."

Again, I sighed. What question should I risk asking him first? He seemed a little dense and I was not ready to rule him out as safe. I pressed my lips together. In all truth, even if he was my 'mentor' or whatever he called himself, I wouldn't know what to do next. Yes, I could go after this Gilbert guy, but I wanted to see why Erwin would be concerned with him. "I just want to know who Erwin is," I realized, watching Alfred as he started talking about other boat and ocean related puns he could make. "Well, it's definitely not this guy."

I cleared my throat and asked, "So what do you exactly mean by 'mentor?'"

Alfred, who was on a rather clever pun about clams, paused and gave me a confused look. "Did Erwin not explain it to you?" he demanded. I nodded. His blue orbs for eyes blinked before he explained, "Well I'm supposed to watch over you as you complete your deal with him." He laughed. "Seriously, it's as though you haven't gone through this before."

"I haven't."

His face dropped instantly. Furrowing his eyebrows, Alfred started counting his fingers as he tried to figure out something in his head. "You haven't gone through this before?" He muttered, still looking absolutely vexed. I gave him an odd look. "If you haven't gone through this before, then that means-" He suddenly pointed at me and screeched, "Who the hell are you?"

This time, I was confused. Was he supposed to have a certain person here? What would happen if I was not them? Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the bars. I extended my hand through it, saying, "My name is Larry Sue. Nice to meet you."

Alfred stared at me with growing shock. "You're a guy?" He screamed, freaking out more than I ever did. He was hyperventilating and scrambling to the other side of the room until his back banged against the iron bars across from me. I tried not to be offended, but how could I not? He was treating this like it was the greatest catastrophe of all time, even worse than when Disney bought Lucas films.

Angrily, I snapped back, "Yes, I have a penis. Is that so hard to deal with?"

"But you're in Liechtenstein's body," he pointed out calmly. "So you have a vagina now."

"How the hell did you just suddenly calm down?" I yelled, banging my forehead against the bars. I could feel the rust leave brown marks on my skin, but I could care less.

"Well you being a guy is not my problem, so I wouldn't get in trouble for it," Alfred explained, walking back to me. He easily plopped down onto the ground in front of me, crisscrossing his legs like an Indian- excuse me, Native American. "Anyways, Erwin said that your deal was-"

"I have to make this Gilbert guy drink this vial thing," I completed, taking it out for him to see. Alfred adjusted his glasses, inching in closer to get a good look at it. "I'm going to guess that you have no idea who he is."

He happily shook his head. "Nope. Everyone here is a country."

.

.

.

I tried picking out some ear wax from my ear. "I'm sorry, I don't think that I heard you right," I said. "'Cause I swear that I just heard you say that everyone is a country."

The blond nodded, unaware of my inner turmoil. "Sure thing! Everyone on this ship is the living, breathing, human personification of a country!"

I carefully put the precious vial back into my pocket. Then, once I was sure that it wouldn't fall out and break, I angrily stomped my foot on the wood floor. "What. The. Heck!" I yelled. "What is this? Freaking Hetalia?"

Alfred cocked his head. "What's Hetalia?"

I groaned. "It's a stupid Japanese show where they have a bunch of gay guys who represent countries go around and be gay for each other," I explained. "I mean, seriously! A gay Sweden? Who the hells wants that?"

"What's wrong with being gay?" Alfred demanded harshly.

Rolling my eyes, I let myself fall onto the ground. I said, "Let me guess: you just happen to be one of those countries and England is your boyfriend."

He laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "Actually, I'm the only human here," he explained. He tugged at the white cloth tied around his arm. "That's why I have this white band."

I suddenly remembered that I was wearing one too, except mine was red. And if I remembered correctly, Turkey and the Netherlands wore brown ones. "Is there some significance to those?" I asked curiously. "Everyone seems to be wearing a different color."

For a second, Alfred looked like the happiest person on the whole planet. It was as if he was eagerly waiting for his chance to guide me and to- dare I say- save me. Buzzing with joy, he told me, "Well, all the countries are kind of in a war right now. Apparently, all of their bosses want them out of the way for a while, so they set them up for this big game entitled 'THE WAR'."

I shook my head. This sounded just like something in that stupid anime. 'Hey! Let's take war and make it completely stupid and insulting!' Stupid yaoi freaks.

Rubbing my temples, trying to banish the crazy broads from my head, I said, "That's really dumb . . ."

"I not done explaining it," He whined. I wanted to sigh again, but it occurred to me that with such a childish mind set, I just might make Alfred burst into pathetic tears. Instead, I sat respectfully aside as he finished, "Apparently, the way to win THE WAR is to steal the coat of the opposing captain. It's really cool because the teams were formed by picking names out of a hat, so this is the first time a lot of the European nations are meeting the Asian ones and stuff."

"So why are you here?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Well I'm your mentor. I got to help you."

I groaned. Great, I was in the hands of an idiot who took everything a little too superficially. "No, I mean why you- a human -are among a bunch of lunatics who are supposedly countries?"

Alfred snapped his fingers in a Z-formation and shook his head like a sassy black woman (yes, I am being absolutely serious. At that moment, I don't think that Tyler Perry could have been more black than he was). "Na-uh, brother. They are countries and you better get used to it-"

I slyly muttered, "Yeah, when I wake up."

"-But to answer your question, Captain Russia wanted an extra hand on deck, so he hired me to help take care of the ship while he and the other countries fight THE WAR."

I blinked. I still didn't believe that I was not sleeping, but at this point, it would be pointless to continue arguing about it. So I just pretended that I accepted everything as I asked, "So Russia is this team's captain?"

Alfred nodded. "Yup. He's freaky, though I would be more worried about his first mate."

My dread filled the air. What would this weirdo consider worrisome? Broccoli? "Do I even want to know?" I asked, burying my face in my hands.

This guy was the most oblivious air head I'd ever met since he grinned and took my rhetorical question as a real one. "You sure do!" He exclaimed, reminding me of a joyful Mickey Mouse. "See here, his first mate is his crazy ass-"

"Alfred!" We both looked up, hearing the sound of feet pounding heavily on the floor above us. That sounded like a harpy, ready to strike for the kill.

"Who is that?" I whispered, hearing her feet grow closer.

Alfred gulped. "That, my dear friend, is the first mate." He made the sign of the cross. "Lord have mercy on our souls."

I turned to him, giving him one of those small, I-am-obviously-scared-as-shit chuckles. "Surely she can't be that-" Out of nowhere, a knife embedded itself at the very tip of Alfred's feet. Considering the fact that he was barely three feet away from me, my phobic side went on complete haywire. That dagger- knife -was far far far far far too close for any level of my comfort. I shrieked, scrambling as far away from it as possible. I stumbled over my arms and legs in the process, but no matter what, I could not rip my eyes off of the deadly weapon.

When the woman entered the room, she was met with the strange image of Alfred looking scared at the knife at his feet and me sliding my back higher and higher up the wall in blind panic. She, a beautiful adult with long platinum blonde locks, rolled her eyes and marched right up to us. "What the hell are you two doing?" she demanded, blue eyes glaring at us. No nonsensely, she pulled the dagger out of the ground.

My eyes followed at as she lifted her blue skirt and placed the dagger in the sheath-band-thingy that Angelina Jolie would wear. Once it was gone, I felt the buzz leave and my head clear. Slowly, I slid back to the ground, taking a deep breath. I could feel my embarrassment bubble in my stomach, but I ignored it in favor of watching what the woman was going to do next.

She wiped her hands on her white blouse, shooting Alfred a long glare. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded, looming over him like Satan to a Mormon. "Russia and I told you to bring Liechtenstein up onto deck and what do you do? You're sitting on the ground flirting with her."

That hit a nerve. "That is disgusting!" I said, jumping onto my feet and marching right up to her. Upper lip curled, I stuck my arm out of the bars and stuck my finger right in her perfect face. "I don't know who you think you are, but there is no way I would ever ever flirt with a ma-"

She took my arm and twisted it. I yelped and fell to my knees. That made it worse since now my aching limbs had to also support the majority of my weight. "I'll watch what you say, Liechtenstein," she warned, frowning down upon. "If my big brother didn't want to see you, you would have a blade in your head."

There was no way I was going to lose to a woman. I glared up at her, spitting, "My name is not Liechtenstein, it's-" Alfred motioned for me to shut my mouth. I raised an eyebrow, giving him a questioning look. "You-"

"So you want to me called you 'You?'" She laughed. A small smirk stretched upon her face. You know, if she wasn't a psychopathic broad, I would say that she that she had a very pretty laugh. "That is one of the best things I've ever heard, You," she told me as she released my arm. I snapped it back to my side and cradled it to my chest. It felt as though some of my blood vessels were dead. She took a key out of her pocket and opened the cell door. "But we need to see Russia now, so get moving and don't cause any trouble." And the frown was back.

I gave her a wary glance and calmly walked out of my cell. The woman raised an eyebrow at the delicate way I held my arm but said nothing. Instead, she inflicted her wrath upon Alfred. "And get off your lazy ass, Alfred," she demanded, kicking him harshly. To his credit, my mentor did not cry out and stood as quickly as he could.

She motioned for us to follow her out of the door and up the stairs. "Who is she?" I whispered as I tried to maintain proper footing on the damp and dark stairs. It reeked in there and I already felt sick to my stomach.

"That's Belarus," Alfred explained, trying to be as quiet as his naturally loud voice would allow him. I frowned. Belarus was a country once part of the Soviet Union. Great, everyone here was crazy. "And she's the first mate and the worse doitsu you'll ever meet."

I gave him a blank look. "What the heck is a doitsu?"

Belarus hushed us before Alfred could explain. We walked in silence through the below decks of the ship. It looked like the stander pirate ship one would dream of- the staircase came out into a long hall that acted as the kitchen and eating area. It was empty, though there was a pot of something unidentified cooking on an old fashioned stove. The room extended further down to be a cannon room and armory. "What a great place to eat," I thought grimly.

There was a door to the side with a sign in many different languages hanging on it. The only one I knew remotely was Spanish, but it was only high school skills. I studied it for a long moment and decided that it read 'Storage Room'. I mean, it was either that or something about interpretive ballet (like there would be dancing pirates).

Anyways, at the end of the room another pair of staircases. One lead back to the second lower levels of below deck. I took a small glance down there and saw that it was the crew's sleeping chambers. The other stairs lead to above deck. I looked up it and winced at the streaming sunlight. Yes, it felt good on my pale face, but the brightness met harshly against my eyes. I placed a hand over them as I climbed out into the open.

That was when I realized that I would be meeting the crew.

The crew.

The freaking, God-forsaken crew.

I paused on the top step and stared. The ship was big alright, bigger than what I originally thought. It was massive, maybe the same, if not larger than, a football field. Yet, it floated effortlessly on a mass expanse of open blue sea. The crew, I guess, was a little small to run it though. There were maybe twenty-ish men and women, most wearing brown armbands, cleaning the deck, retying the sails, and generally working hard to keep the speed.

Alfred nudged me and I was reminded to keep walking. However, once I was fully in the open, a giant blond man in red with ridiculously messy hair grinned and yelled, "Hey Switzy! Your sister's here!" Um, what?

Every crew member stopped what they were doing to look at me. The giant especially with that stupidly large grin on his face, though I had to note that he wore a red armband like me. I stood there awkwardly, not sure of what to do or say. I waited for Alfred to step in and save me, but his hands were in his pockets and his lips busy whistling. "Liechtenstein!" A blond man in green with a brown armband pushed to the front. His green eyes met mine for a second before he ran over to me.

"Are you alright?" he demanded, touching my face. His hands went all over my small frame, searching for any wounds. This must be how girls feel when a guy touches them oddly- especially one they didn't know. Switzy noticed right off the bat how uncomfortable I was. Growling, he pulled a pistol from his holster and aimed it right at Belarus. "What the fuck did you do?"

The woman scowled, but did not take out her own weapon. "I did nothing, Switzerland," she snapped. Oh great, another crazy person. "If anything, I caught human boy there flirting with her."

This Switzerland, by far, was probably the craziest because he actually shot Alfred. Yeah, the bullet barely scraped the tips of his already abused toes, but it was enough to make me scream in surprise. "You did what, doitsu?" He screamed, turning red from anger.

I shrunk back a bit. Yup, everyone here was fracking insane. "This is just a dream, Larry," I told myself as I slowly inched away from the men. "Everything here is just the consequence of looking at all that anime crap. This is all-"

Switzerland was stopped by Turkey. The man didn't wear his white mask this time, revealing his incredibly handsome face. It was one of those faces some idiot would claim to go gay for (stupid). Anyways, Turkey slung an arm around Switzerland's shoulders and grinned cockily. "Calm down, Switzy," he said, forcing the man to lower his gun. "Just take a deep breath and remember that Liechtenstein is a woman of her own making. If she wants to flirt with humans, then let her."

"Says he who sleeps with humans only," the Netherlands called out, earning a roaring laugh from the observing crew.

The man in the turban scowled, yelling, "So what if I don't like fucking the same person twice? Is it so hard to get some variety around here, Neder?"

Switzerland sighed and pushed his arm away, saying, "As long as you assholes stay away from my sister, I don't give a fuck who you fuck."

In my peripheral vision, I saw Alfred give a sincere nod. "That is a great catchphrase," he remarked. "What do you think, Liech?"

I frowned, saying, "Don't call me that. You know that my name is-"

The human stomped on my foot, causing me to howl out in pain. This once again attracted Switzerland's attention. As I jumped up and down, clutching my foot in pain, Liechtenstein's older brother swooped in for the kill. He roughly grabbed his vest and held his gun to his temple. A deadly aura radiated from his skin as he growled, "Do you want to die, doitsu?"

A collective 'ooh' came from the crew's mouths. "Don't call him a doitsu!" The giant called out. "That is far too cruel!" I felt like hitting something. Were these people directly taken from Alice in Wonderland because the drug filled mind of Lewis Carroll was the only place fit for them.

Before I could ask again what a doitsu was, someone came in from behind and lifted me bridal style. I squealed, feeling the strong arms holding me up perfectly. For a moment, I- for some reason -felt safe. I guess that this is why girls always fantasize about their lover holding them like this. I felt invincible from up here. Then I realized that Turkey was the one carrying me. Freaking Turkey. He looked down at me with his usual cocky look and winked.

I stared at him, asking, "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

His smile didn't fade as he chuckled lightly. "Well see here Liechtenstein, I just had this great revelation," he explained, holding me tighter to his chest. Wow, he was buff. "Switzerland has made sure that you kept your chastity, right?" I gave an uncertain nod. The crazy guy seemed as though he would. "So obviously, I haven't had the pleasure of spending the night with you yet." Oh hell no.

He pressed me closer, his grin suddenly seeming very sleazy. "So how about you and I go below deck and-"

A quiet clap spread through the air. "Comrades." In a second, the crew was silent and everyone was standing stalk still. Even Turkey had his back rigid as his amber eyes laid on the speaker. I carefully twisted my neck around, trying to get a glimpse of him. Once I did, I understood the obedience.

On a pirate ship, people typically note the deck where the crew works then the elevated level where the captain steers. Standing on said level was Brown Coat. Up close, I could see that his hair was a light brown, border lining gray. It laid like feathers on his round, pallid face that was decorated with large, violet eyes. His nose was huge and his sick smile was bigger. Even under the hot sun, the large man wore a light pink scarf and long brown pants to match.

Brown Coat's eyes glided over his crew, checking to see that everything was in place. The light tapping of an iron pipe on the stair rails only emphasized the effect. It also made his stare on Turkey and me more life threatening when his hand went still. "Turkey, friend, what are you doing?" he calmly asked, expression never faltering. "Why are you holding little Liechtenstein like that?"

I shivered. Okay, this guy was creepy. Turkey had enough sense to drop me at that point, but he was determined to make sure that he continued to hold his head high. Prideful twat. "The rest of the crew was getting rowdy," he dutifully reported, frowning tightly. "I thought to best to take Liechtenstein away from everyone else so that she does not panic."

I turned to him and gave him my best glare. That perverted liar! Was he really going to try to get away with hitting on me? Heck no. I opened my mouth, ready to call him the liar he was when someone purposefully coughed.

"That is complete bullshit," a man said as he took a step forward from the rest of the crew. He seemed to act pretty normal thus far, but his appearance was white against black- literally. This guy was an albino with dead white skin, white hair, and crimson-pink eyes. He- besides Brown Coat -was the only other male there who wore winter clothes. His long navy blue shirt and black slacks seemed heavy in the sun. By the pink blotched on his cheeks, I would say that his lack of melanocytes was the cause for the cover up.

The albino strutted to us, took my shoulders, and yanked me away from Turkey like a doll. "Don't worry, Liech," he whispered, placing me right by Liechtenstein's older brother. "The awesome me will handle this." The awesome. . . great, another crazy person. Was my dream going to give me anyone sane?

Liech's savoir patted his hair and held himself like a lawyer. Trying to sound official, he said, "See here, Captain Russia, I saw Turkey lift Liechtenstein into his arms. Using my awesome ability to read lips, I realized that he wanted to have sex with her, a concept that made Liechtenstein want to barf."

"You wanted to do what with my sister?" Switzerland growled, protectively pushing me behind him. Alfred placed his hands on my shoulders and gave them a strong, reassuring squeeze. It was as if his obnoxious voice was telling me to be strong and carry on.

I watched as the blond pressed the barrel of his gun to Turkey's head. The tanned man didn't even blink, only looked down at him with daring eyes. Wow, was he trying to get himself killed?

Brown Coat- Captain Russia -tapped his pipe on the rails. It was soft, yet more than enough to get the whispering crew to hush again. "Turkey, Switzerland: I am going to have to ask you to release your sexual tensions some other time," he ordered sternly.

Turkey choked. "Sexual tensions?" he repeated, giving him a horrified look. Quickly, he swatted the gun away and jabbed a finger at the Swiss's face. "What the hell make you think that I would want to fuck this jackass?"

"I could say the exact same thing about this doitsu!" Switzerland snapped back.

The albino gave him a shocked look, saying, "Hey, German bro. No need to go so low."

"Shut up Prussia!" The giant out, causing Alfred to crack up laughing. I had forgotten that he was even here. "No one likes you!"

Russia sighed, "Be quiet now." And poof! Everyone was silent and soberly back to looking at him- even Alfred. "As much fun as it is to pick on our dear friend Prussia and Turkey-"

"Ottoman," said man grumbled.

"-we have more pressing matters to deal with." He turned to Belarus. "Sister, if you would please." Oh, so those two are siblings. Freaking girl with the knives and creepy guy with a pipe are totally related. Seriously, I wasn't even using sarcasm there.

Belarus nodded, the bow at the center of her head bobbing with her. Her lips pressed tightly, she turned around, marched a few paces, roughly grabbed my arm, and dragged me back to the front. I heard a few- mainly Prussia and Alfred -gasp at the harsh treatment, but no one else seemed to notice or care.

Belarus shoved me to the foot of Russia's staircase. I stumbled an inch before balancing. I determinedly focused my eyes to the ground think about how there seemed to be a lot of staircases on this ship. A heavy silence filled the air. For a moment, I did nothing but twiddle with my thumbs and rock on my heels. I heard Russia as he breathed and took heavy steps down. He didn't stop until his chest was practically in my face. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was back home. "Just a dream, Lar. Nothing but a-"

Russia delicately placed his hand under my chin and forced me to look up at him. His smile wasn't anything less creepy, but beneath his terrifying aura was a gentleness. "Welcome to my ship, The Romanov. As you know, I am the Captain and my little sister is the first mate. I hope that your time thus far hasn't been too bad." He shot Turkey and Switzerland a glare. They both frowned.

It wasn't until there was a few seconds of silence did I realize that I was supposed to speak. My only problem was that I had no idea how this Liechtenstein was supposed to act. Was she brash and naughty, or kind and sweet? Compared to everyone else here, I bet that if I just acted like a Saturday Night Live creation, I would be fine. But acting was Stella's thing and she was in a hospital, dying.

My resolve suddenly felt stronger. "Your jail cell was just delightful," I replied, giving him a condescending look. "Though I suggest giving the rats a few beds- they look a little uncomfortable." Everyone laughed. I blushed. Crap, was that the right thing to say? Oh man, what if Liechtenstein really was a super sweet little girl? She sure did look the part.

All of my worries, however, faded away when Russia clapped my shoulder. "That was one of the funniest things I have ever heard," he said merrily. He suddenly didn't look all that scary. "I guess England's snark does rub off on other people."

"Tell me about it." I looked behind to see Belarus frowning and sending me a glare that could kill a goat. She looked ready to claw at something like a ferocious feline. "Earlier, she told me to call her You."

"You?" Russia laughed again. "My, you have quite the sense of humor."

I frowned and shoved his hand off me. "Don't call me that," I ordered, knitting my eyebrows.

He stared at his rejected hand for a moment before turning his smile to his first mate. "I think she wants that to be her pet name," he told her. Belarus's eyes softened as she suddenly looked a little guilty for killing me with stares. In fact, she looked down nervous and brushed her foot along the deck.

Realizing that he had gotten off topic, Russia cleared his throat and started again. "Anyways, so Liechtenstein, I can presume that you didn't like it so much in the cells, right?" he asked. I grudgingly nodded. "That's good! You want to know why?"

I rolled my eyes. "Humor me."

Russia laughed and painfully squeezed my shoulder. I gasped and felt my knees go weak. Oh crap, that freaking hurt. I guess that's his sign to shut up. "See here, on my ship, everyone one helps out," he said. "That way, there is less work overall and we can have more fun. So I offer you a deal: if you agree to not cause trouble and help around the ship, you can have free reign to wander as you please. If not, then you'll stay on your cell and I'll be forced to torture you. Deal?"

My mouth dropped. He couldn't be serious, yet I knew that he was. "That is hardly a choice!" I yelled.

He blinked. "What is wrong with it?" he asked, tilting his head in childish confusion. "Your comrade Denmark readily agreed to it without problem." I turned to see the giant blonde in red waving his arm around like an idiot.

"Don't try to be the hero. Liech!" Denmark yelled, causing the Netherlands to give him an annoyed look. "Just accept the deal and move on!"

Not to be a hipster or anything, but that would be way too mainstream. I folded my arms over my chest. I fumbled a bit- how do girls work around their boobs so easily? "I want something more," I said. I heard Alfred and array of others facepalm.

Russia smiled happily. He sang, "Fine then, to the rack you go!" He lifted me over his shoulder like a rag doll. That was when it hit me that he was being serious. Everyone was being serious to some degree. Then again, this was just a dream. There was nothing to fear.

But then the strangest of things happened.

From atop of the crazy Russian, I felt my whole body turn grossly numb. I tried to raise a finger, even blink an eyelid, but my body refused to comply. Instead, I just hung there limply. That is, until something started moving me on its own. "I change my mind!" I started screaming.

Internally, I was confused. "What's going on?" I wondered, noticing that I was kicking and pounding the man's back. I didn't want to do that. "Why-"

A small, female voice, barely rising above a whisper, answered me. "Please trust me," she said. I tried to focus on the world around me, searching for a source but no one but myself was speaking. It was just me in the blonde's body, repeatedly screaming my request.

At last, Russia took pity on me and he dropped me. I fell like a rock. Luckily, Alfred swooped in and caught me before I could hurt my rump on the deck. Like Turkey did earlier, he held my bridal style, except this time I actually allowed myself to feel safe. Inch by inch, I could feel my control return. Already, I was able to flex my fingers in a complex pattern. I sighed and leaned into him.

Alfred was good, Alfred was safe.

"That is a smart choice." Russia smiled, easily forgetting about his threat. I stared at him, sweating. Thank goodness this was just a dream or else I would actually have to worry about learning to live with this guy. "My sister will give you your assignments for the day. I trust that you will listen to her, yes?"

Hesitantly, I peeked at said woman. She was scowling, freely giving me the bird from behind her brother's back. "Yeah, I think we'll be fine," I told him, tearing my eyes away. In a soft breath, I quietly added, "Especially if she uses those knives."

He clapped his hands again (he must really like doing that) and turned back to the rest of his crew. "Now that my first order of business is done, let us move on to the second. As we all know, the attack yesterday lead to the capture of Liechtenstein. However, the good things must be paid with the bad. So, fellow nations, I must ask you: does anyone have any idea where the hell Spain is?"

The crew exchanged glances and shrugged. Just as I was starting to feel a little bad for Spain (he was captured and none of his crew mates seemed to care), another blonde man took a step forward. He was around Switzerland's height with short, professional hair while his oddly colored eyes were framed by square glasses. "We unfortunately have no idea where Spain is," he reported. "However we did find this cat-" He held up a white cat with brown spots and a fluffy lion's mane. "-and Greece and I believe that he would make a fine replacement."

Russia frowned. "Estonia, we are not going to replace Spain with a cat," he said. "Where did you even get that thing?"

A tanned teen with curly brown hair took a step forward. Yawning, he raised his hand, saying, "I did during the attack. I thought that he was cute-"

Turkey groaned and marched straight up to the younger male. "What the hell, Greece?" He asked, grabbed him by his vest (he was one of those people who wore no shirt). "How many fucking times do I have to tell you to stop picking up stray cats?"

I stared at the beast in Estonia's hands. I liked cats- we used to own one ourselves. Way back when we were children, Sherry received a little kitten for Christmas. I still remember the way she held the little white ball of fur in her hands as she named him Berry. Berry was a good cat and we had him for many years. When I read or played video games, he would always rub himself against my leg and purr loudly. He never did that with Sherry or Jerry or Mom or Dad; only me. It made me feel important, special. But one day, we found out that he had cancer. And a few months later, Berry died.

I miss Berry . . .

My attention was drawn back to the present when I noticed Estonia waving. Smiling brightly, he held the cat up for me to see. "Do you want him?" he mouthed. Without a single thought, I nodded. He placed the cat on the ground and lightly directed it towards me. Realizing what was going on, I tapped Alfred and softly told him to put me down. Alfred shrugged and did just that.

I knelt on a single knee, beckoning for it to come to me. In the background, I could hear another argument about Greece and his cat problems, but I ignored it. My mind was zoned in on the animal and getting it to come to me. The cat didn't need a lot of coaxing. After a minute of soft whistles and promise of love, its little paws patted on the deck and jumped into my arms.

I giggled and held it closer as I rose to my feet. It was so fluffy! Oh my God, I just wanted to keep this little guy for forever and ever and ever and-

"I think it likes you." I paused and looked at the speaker, Switzerland. He smiled softly and turned to the captain, saying, "Captain Russia, he seems to really like her. Can't we just keep him for a little bit?"

I nodded in agreement. "Just for a day or two?" I asked, a small pout on my lips. I even made sure to (try to) act like an innocent little girl. It wasn't hard- Liechtenstein's looks did half of my work for me.

Russia sighed and nodded, saying, "Keep it forever as long as you take care of it and the crew agrees that we are not replacing Spain. Okay?" Apparently, I was not the only one to like it since everyone loudly voiced an agreement.

I smiled and held the cat in front of me. I chuckled, reminded of that scene from the Lion King. "You should give it a name," Alfred suggested. "How about Stark? Stark's a good name for a cat."

It seemed like instinct to simply shake my head. "We're not naming it that," I told him. My senses suddenly became very aware of how soft it was. My mind flashed back to that one scene in the second season of Avatar where Sokka meets a saber-tooth moose lion cub. "We're going to call it Foo Foo Cuddlypoops."

The Netherlands groaned. Running his hand down his face, he exclaimed, "It's a male, Liechtenstein! Give it a manly name." I blinked. I guessed that he was right. But what was manly? Who was the manliest person I knew?

"We're going to call it Sokka," I announced, grinning broadly. The crew exchanged looks. They muttered about who this 'Sokka' was and how I could possibly know him, but I ignored it. Sokka seemed happy about it- it leaned in and affectionately licked my face. I winced at the rough tongue, but felt the mirth nonetheless.

If I was going to trust one person here, it was going to be Sokka. Sorry Alfred, but it's a cat. I love cats.

Russia cleared his throat, once again returning the air to silence. Still smiling (did he ever stop?), he looked at his underlings and said, "I believe that our crew meeting is done with and everyone may return to work now." We all clapped and watched him as he retreated to his captain quarters- that little room built under the top level of the deck.

For a second, I thought that I could relax. More than anything, I wanted to curl up on a bed and sleep. My fantasy was enhanced with the idea that Sokka could curl up right next to me and we could share warmth. But certain things- no matter how much Cinderella may sing otherwise- can only exist in dreams.

"You heard him, get back to work," Belarus barked. Her harsh voice sent everyone scampering to their previous stations. I may not have known him well, but I would never have expected Denmark to eagerly pick up a mop and clean the deck. Nope, never in a million years. "You two." Alfred and I jumped. "I want you two to clean the deck around the steering wheel," she ordered. "If I find that one of you even thinks about skipping, I will personally kill you. Any questions?"

Alfred raised his hand. "Since when did you read minds?" he stupidly asked.

Her response was lifting her skirt and reaching for her knife.

Knife.

I hastily grabbed his arm and dragged him to our assigned job. As I gathered our soapy water and brushes, I noticed Belarus as she retreated to her brother's room. Odd, I would have figured her to stay on deck and watch over everything. I shrugged it off and got to work.

My sleeves were rolled up and watered soaked my dress and skinny legs. After five minutes of restless scrubbing, my shoulders and back started to ache. After ten, I felt a blister form on my palm. At twenty, my whole back ached too much for me to move any longer.

Hissing, I straightened and stretched. Crap, that fracking hurt. "Not used to the work, Larry?" Alfred asked, flashing me a cocky smile. He was still on his hands and knees and his scrubbing was as consistent and strong as when he first started. I bet even Sokka, who was perched on his back, was impressed at how strong he was.

I frowned and slowly returned to my original position. "Yeah, now you decide to call me that," I scoffed.

He gave me an offended look. "Look, I'm sorry Larry, but you and I are the only people who can know about this!" He defended. He sat up quickly, causing the confused cat to mewl and slide off. "If I called you Larry, everyone would be asking questions."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" I demanded. I did my best to seem pissed, but secretly, I was impressed. Even I hadn't bothered to think that.

The blonde shrugged, saying, "It really didn't occurr to me."

I sighed. There was no way to win with this guy. The best thing I could do was just change the subject. "So does everyone on this crummy ship claim to be a country?" I asked, slowly moving the brush back and forth. I winced, feeling a new blister form. Why did Liechtenstein's hands have to be so delicate?

"They aren't claiming," he said in a low voice. "In fact, I can tell you right now who's what country." This was probably one of the most and least helpful thing he had ever done for me. The teen pointed to each person as he said their name, allowing me to record their names in my memory. In the end, I knew that the ship consisted of seventeen pirates: Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Estonia, Japan, Hong Kong, Hungary, Denmark, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, Greece, Romania, Prussia, Netherlands, Italy, Norway, Alfred, and me.

Denmark and I were the only ones part of the Red Coats.

"We used to have two other members," Alfred said, dipping his brush into our bucket of water. "They were taken captive a few fights ago and we haven't heard from them since."

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you know what their names are?" I asked.

A hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. "Their names are Romano and Iceland." I flinched, seeing that Turkey was the one standing behind me. But instead of his usual cocky grin, there was a solemn look in his eyes. With the most seriousness I had seen all day, he said, "We've been trying to find them, but there is no trace of the Kid anywhere."

For some reason, I felt a little guilty. I didn't know this 'Kid' person or whether he was Romano or Iceland, but I could feel the pain of Turkey's loss. I felt bad for presuming that he was a perverted jerk. He still is, but maybe not so much. Carefully, I placed my hand on his shoulder. "I hope we find them soon," I said, staring straight ahead.

I noticed how Alfred stared back at me, as he was not expecting me to react so compassionately. Idiot, why do people always think that I didn't have a soft side? Was it because of my sister, since she is a major prick?

Turkey suddenly turned the tables and took my hand in his. I tried to jerk it away, but his calloused digits pressed against my blisters. I gasped and squeezed my eyes shut. It badly hurt. "You're not used to this kind of work," he noted, turning my palm up. My eyes squeezed tighter when he lightly ran a finger over the open skin. "How about Alfred and I take over from here?" he suggested, dropping my hand.

I tilted my head, asking, "Don't you have your own work to do?"

He shrugged. "Netherlands can take care of it without me," he said. I think I know why the Dutchman hated him so much. "And besides, anything to get you to owe me will be well worth the work." He winked.

He fracking winked. At me.

I shivered and rose to my feet. "Thanks . . ." I looked down and saw that my dress skirt was completely wet and it clung to my legs for dear life. "I think I'll go change," I said, sounding a bit dazed. Without much thought, I turned and climbed down the stairs. All the while, I looked down at my legs . . . which led me to look at my chest. A bit of the water was making the cloth also cling to my bosom, revealing that Liechtenstein really did have boobs, even if they were small. Were they even real? I wondered what would happen if I touched them . . .

"Liechtenstein." I jumped and snapped my hands back to my sides. "Y-yes Prussia?"

Prussia gave me an odd look, as if he saw me reaching for my own breasts. He kept his eyebrow raised as he asked, "Do you know where Turkey is? The Netherlands is bitching about it and he's threatening to burn his turban."

I hesitantly pointed a finger up the stairs. "He's up there," I told him. He started rolling up his sleeves, muttering about how badly he was going to 'kill the unawesome one'. I didn't even know that they used that word back in the pirate days. Just as he passed by me, I remembered my dress. "Um, Prussia? Do you know where I can get some new clothes?" I asked.

He turned back to me, raising an eyebrow. For a long second, he did nothing but look down at me with wide eyes. Then, in a small voice, he said, "Liechtenstein . . . are you asking me to help you dress?"

I was about to say no- I really was -but the idea of having to figure out how to put a dress on disturbed me. The last time I ever wore a skirt was when I dressed as a homemade half-boy-half-girl costume. In the end, everyone thought I was a cross dressing colonial Hitler. Yeah, it might be a good idea to get some help. "Yes-"

"All right!" Prussia suddenly grabbed my arm and practically dragged me below deck. All the while, he was loudly talking about his supreme taste in fashion. I noticed before our heads left the cool, open air that the crew was staring. I was surprised that Switzerland didn't jump to my rescue, but I saw him and Denmark arguing about something.

I frankly didn't care.

The Prussian made a right and took me to the bed chamber. As expected, it was a long hall with rows of hanging hammocks and floor cots. "Rip off your dress," Prussia ordered, stopping in front of one of the many cots. There was a wood chest at the foot. I noticed that 'Hungary' was engraved on the front.

As his pale hands fumbled with the lock, I said, "You know, that's was a man usually says when he's about to rape a girl." I went there.

He nodded. "True." I smirked. What do you know! There was someone here who didn't actually take everything to the absolute literal meaning. Digging around the chest, he smirked upon his discovery. "Yes, but in this instance-" He ripped out one of the most dreaded devices in the universe. "-this is what the man says before you put on a corset." He laughed.

I stared at the white rib crusher and took a large step back. "Oh hell no." I placed my arms in an 'X' over my chest. "There is no fracking way I would ever, ever wear that."

"But it's off the rage in England," he said, rising to his feet. Flipping his hair, he placed his hand on his waist and flamboyantly waved the other. "Here in Britain, we always want our women to have small waists," he mocked, doing a terrible English accent. In all truth, it sounded more Indian than anything. "Because small waists and big boobs are posh and we chaps like to be posh."

Mouth in a straight line, I shook my head and started walking away. "There is no way you are going to make me do this," I declared, stomping up the steps. I paused.

Sokka was there, sitting patiently with its tail sweeping the floor behind it. I had full intentions of going right past it, but its large green eyes gave me an ordering look. The cat wanted me to listen to Prussia and do what he said. I sighed.

Ten seconds later, I was amazingly back at his side, willingly holding my arms above my head. "Great, I'm taking orders from a cat," I grumbled as he excitedly pulled my dress off, revealing my white breast band and fluffy pantyhose. It was official- these idiots were starting to make me lose my mind

The harder part was getting me to fit in it. I pulled the corset on and placed my hands on the walls. "Don't be too rough," I muttered, taking a deep breath. I was going to regret this.

The albino smirked. "This must be your first," he replied easily, adding a little wink. I suddenly regretted this decisi-

"Holy Mother of Christ!" I screamed, arching my back and pounding my hand on the wall. I could feel my rib cage suffocating my lungs and squeezing my heart. Ugh, it felt as though every single one of my bones were slowly and painfully cracking. My pain was only reinforced by the sound of string scratching against cloth. "I said to be gentle!" I yelled.

"Did not." He pulled again and the corset became even smaller. I screamed. "You said not to be rough."

I coughed. "How is this not rough?"

He shrugged, saying, "I'm putting all of my awesome love into it." I groaned. "Oh, and you might want to brace yourself."

Sweat brimmed in the roots of my hair and trickled down my face. I hollowly laughed, "You mean this thing can get even smal-" He pulled. "Holy frack!" My fist was creating a dent in the wood. "I fracking hate you! Oh my God, why can't I have a bra instead?"

Prussia tilted his head to the side. "What's a bra?" he questioned, tying off the strings, Thank goodness- anymore and I thought that I would die. "Is it a piece of armor?"

That was when it occurred to me that this was in the past and the majority of people were not going to understand most of the allusions I was going to make. Placing a hand on my aching sides, I shook my head and explained, "A bra is an article of clothing that uses stiff cups to hold a woman's breasts in place."

As I reached into Hungary's chest for an actual dress, he appreciatively nodded. "That sounds weird," he said, fingers wrapped around his chin. "But I like it. Maybe one day I'll be awesome enough to invent it."

I sighed and looked up at him. "Prussia, you . . ." I trailed off. From my angle, I could see his pants clearly. There was a tent. A huge, prominent tent.

I was not sure what girls did when they discovered that their girlfriends were aroused, but guys usually made a gay joke before recommending a good place to jerk off. So I looked out for my fellow male and coughed. "You might want to take care of that," I said, motioning to his privates.

Prussia looked down, turned a deep shade of red, and crossed his legs. I didn't give him a chance to come up with an excuse- I just chose a dress, pulled it quickly over my head, and motioned to the room's farthest corner. As he hanged his head in embarrassment, I silently waved goodbye and hurried out. I guessed that was one thing I would not miss now that I was a girl: surprise erections.

I didn't look back as I hurried further up the stairs and back onto deck. I cursed as I held my skirt off the ground. I should have realized that Hungary was taller than me- Liechtenstein -and therefore her dresses were going to be big on me. Grumbling, I bitterly thought about my new body. If I was myself, I wouldn't have to be wearing something that restricted your breathing. If I was me, I wouldn't have blisters on my hands. If I was Larry Ebenezer Sue, I would-

The back of my dress caught on a nail. Yelping, I fell forward and grabbed the first line of support: the captain's quarters door knob. Surprisingly, it stopped me. I looked up and silently thanked it. Thank goodness the door was locked or else . . . I blinked. Why was the door locked? Did Russia not trust his crew?

I quickly looked around the ship. Everything seemed normal, no one noticed me, and my only witness was Sokka. In fact, everyone was watching Denmark and Alfred have a fake sword fight with mops. Safe, I held my face right in front of the cartoon style keyhole and peered through.

Russia and Belarus were together.

On his lavishly decorated bed.

Together.

Kissing.

Naked.

Like sex.

Excuse me, incestuous sex.

There was a reason why I hated this world.

The Room: Day 2

Erwin observed himself in the wall's reflection. This was the place of his predecessor, the place of captivity. The place was white glossed, causing his reflection to always shine back at him no matter where he looked. Even he was wearing a plain white suite. In a way, Erwin did not like the white. It made his dark hair stand out like a target to be shot. Frowning, he shook his head. Why couldn't he have blonde hair like-

"Yo, Winny!" He groaned as another man slid his hand around his shoulders. He also wore white, but his hair was light and beautiful. It made his own glasses seem dashing and fashionable, not the practical and intelligent like his.

Erwin lightly pushed him away, saying, "Would you stop it, Bud? You know how much I don't like hugs."

Bud laughed. "If I were you, I would be getting as many hugs as I could," he said, straddling his legs. "After the way you screwed up, Hima-pops is going to kill you."

He frowned. Oh yes, his mistake. In all defense, the girl was not in the emotional crisis he needed her to be. The girl seemingly had a grasp on the situation. If he had offered her the same exact contract he handed the boy, her senses would have figured out the scam. But the boy- her brother –was crumbling at the touch. He was the only one who would have signed it. Surly, his boss would understand that, right?

"Did you check up on Liechtenstein?" The dark haired one asked. His eyes drifted to the single exit: a white door with a closed window. He knew that on the other side of the door was a dark, black void. And somewhere in that void was the delicate Liechtenstein- waiting and praying for her possessor to do right.

He watched as Bud waved his hand and sat in the room's only piece of furniture: a white chair. "She's quietly waiting like always," he reported. "Not a single fuss."

Erwin sighed and let himself smile. "That's good."

Bud jokingly held his arms out and gave him a disgusted look. "I can't believe you, Winny! After all this time you still don't trust your own brother?"

He smacked his forehead. This man, this man. "We are not brothers!" He snapped.

"Yes we are." The light haired man held up a finger and told him, "We were made by the same man at the same time. So technically, Hima-pops is our daddy and we are brothers. I'm the older one since he made me first."

"What are you two talking about?"

Bud smiled broadly and jumped to his feet. "Hima-pops!" He all but squealed, running straight up to the man. Erwin enviously watched as Bud wrapped his arms around the small, but sturdy man. He and Bud looked the similar with the same glasses and light hair. But Himaruya held himself like Erwin- professional and great. No nonsense was to be done around him.

Himaruya pressed his lips and gently pulled his child off, saying, "Bud, how many times do I have to tell you: you may call me either Hidekaz or Himaruya. Not Hima-pops."

Bud pouted. He whined, "But you're my dad!"

"Yes and you and Erwin are my children." Bud shot said man a triumphant look. That was not going to be the last time Erwin would hear of this. "But there are more pressing matters we must deal with," Himaruya announced, clapping his hands. Bud immediately scrambled to his brother's side.

They both stood erect like soldiers as Himaruya paced in front of them. His hands were casually at his side and his lips were in a tight, serious frown as he said, "As we all know, the original plan was to bring the girl here," he said. "But-" He shot Erwin a glare. "-someone brought the wrong person."

He opened his mouth, wanting to say something- anything -but no words came. Disappointing Himaruya was the worst thing imaginable to Erwin. The only thing he craved in life was to bring his creator happiness. Happiness meant making a contract with the girl, not the boy. He had failed him completely.

Thus, Erwin lowered his head. "I am sorry, Himaruya. Punish me anyway you like."

Himaruya paused directly in front of him. Erwin tensed, fearing a blow to the head or neck. But then a small chuckle drifted throughout the room. Needless to say, he was very surprised when Himaruya merely placed a hand on his head. "I understand why you made your decision," he told him easily. "In your place, I would have done the exact same thing."

Erwin grimaced. "Will there be any complications?"

"Besides that I am not familiar with the boy and his reactions, no." Erwin frowned. "But let it be known that we are not going to underestimate him. The last time I did-" Himaruya placed a hand on his neck. "-It did not end cleanly."

"Have no worry, Hima-pops!" Bud proclaimed, placing his hands victoriously on his hips. "Erwin and I will make sure that this punk will not get away."

Himaruya looked annoyed. It was clear that he wanted to scold him for being so boisterous, but he contained himself. Instead, he stepped in front of him and placed a strong hand on his shoulder. "The majority of the pressure is on you, Bud," he said solemnly. "You have to make sure that Alfred keeps that boy in check. Keep him entertained so that everything will fall according to the plan. Understand?"

Bud mimicked his mood and nodded.

Himaruya let a small smile slip. "I am very proud of you both," he said. "I hope that you two will continue to do good." He turned his backs to them and walked away. "We will meet again soon." Erwin watched his back as he disappeared, most likely returning to his vessel.

Erwin placed a hand on his chest. Even if this all rested on Bud, he still had a lot of work to do. He had to make sure that Himaruya was happy because Himaruya's happiness meant his own. Himaruya was Erwin's world, his everything. Even so, he knew that no matter how much he may crave it, he could never always be at his side the way he dreamed.

As a sign of his affection, Erwin will ensure Himaruya's life and happiness- even at the cost of his own.

MW: Well guys, I told you that I was going to put more humor into this.

SEK: I can't get over Sokka.

BFTL: And I can't get over the corset scene.

MW: And I can't get over the fact that I'm only two chapters in. Frack, I gotta pick up the pace. Anyways, thank you for reading!

FunFacts

"His lack of melanocytes" For those who don't get science, albinos are lacking in melanocytes which means that they are pale and less protected from the sun. That's why Prussia is covering up and his cheeks are burned.

"The Romanov" The royal family of Russia.

"Sokka" A character from Avatar : The Last Airbender, aka: Larry's favorite show.

Next Chapter: As Larry tries to deal with the trauma of incest, the meaning of war suddenly becomes clear.

Thank you for reading!