Chapter Twenty-Eight

Nick.

She was dead.

Selena was completely and utterly dead.

It was like I'd been punched in the gut and the feeling just wasn't going away. It was heavy and constricting everything I was trying to understand, because at the moment all I could think about was her. I'd loved her once upon a time, and now she was dead and would never have the happily ever after she deserved.

I would never see Selena again and I didn't want to comprehend that.

"Nick I got you a chocolate bar," Miley whispered beside me quietly, "Actually I didn't, it was meant to be my lunch but maybe it'll help you. I mean it helped me, kind of, before when you were…"

I turned and looked at Miley, her hand uneasily holding the chocolate bar out to me. I stared past her outstretched fingers and saw her tired eyes. She was trying so hard and I wanted to be there for her, but right now I didn't know how to be.

"I'm not hungry." I responded quietly.

I looked away guilty once more, because it wasn't just Selena I'd let down it was Miley too and I hated myself for that.

"Okay, well I'll put it here just in case." She murmured slowly.

I closed my eyes not wanting to see anything at the moment, I just wanted to be alone but apparently that wasn't an option. If it wasn't Miley, it was mom and if wasn't either of them it was some doctor or nurse jabbing me with God knows what. I just needed to process all of this because right now everything felt fucking wrong and I didn't want to have to deal with it.

Since I woke up everything had been chaotic. One second there was a doctor explaining to me that I was lucky, then a nurse checking my blood pressure, next thing I knew mom and Miley were both holding my hands talking to me like they'd never thought they'd see me again. I was so fucking confused and I didn't remember anything, all I felt was pain lingering everywhere.

I didn't understand until finally mom opened her mouth. She explained, but I wished she hadn't.

"I'm sorry Nick, they tried, but Selena was already gone."

"I didn't go to the funeral." I heard Miley announce suddenly.

I didn't look at her, but I did open my eyes. This was the first time we'd been alone together since I woke up and all the happiness I'd felt seeing her safe was gone. Now I just felt like shit, both physically and emotionally.

"Selena's funeral. I got scared, I mean…it just didn't feel right." She continued as I moved my head painfully, this was the first time I'd heard about the funeral, the one I didn't get to fucking attend. "I guess part of me doesn't want to accept this and I also didn't want to say goodbye. Not without you. I was thinking we could do it together when you're up to it of course."

Miley looked at me hopeful and I just shook my head feeling sick at the thought.

"No, why would I want to do that?" I asked her bluntly.

Her eyes instantly widened confused, "I just…I mean I thought it would be good for us to do it together."

I just shook my head looking away, "No. No I don't want to do that."

I saw Miley's lips close in my peripherals and her head drop but I didn't attempt to comfort her. I couldn't do that right now, not when I felt this mad at myself. I looked out the window instead, seeing a rectangle piece of blue sky followed by an ugly building. How could I ever go outside again feeling like this? How could I walk around knowing that I failed at my job? That I let my friends die? That I let Miley get hurt again?

I hated this. I hated every fucking thing about this.

"You know I love you right?" Miley questioned, once again interrupting the silence.

I turned and looked at her clenching my jaw trying to hide from the aching sensation along my head. She attempted a weak smile and reached over covering my hand with her own. "I…I was really scared that you weren't going to be okay, but you are, and I'm so happy Nick, so so happy. I mean I know what you're going through. I know it's so hard right now, but you can always talk to me. I just want you to know that."

I let her words sit for a few seconds, suddenly feeling frustrated. I pulled my hand back pinching my lips together.

"Nick, it's okay I get that this is hard and-"

"It's not hard. It's fucking painful Miley." I hissed through gritted teeth.

"But we'll get through it together, because I know-"

"You don't know." I snapped cutting her off.

Miley looked at me confused, "What?"

"You have no fucking idea what I'm going through right now. You have absolutely no fucking clue." I spat at her not thinking, "I just want you to leave me alone Miley. I don't want to talk or see you right now."

She just stared at me not knowing what to say, and for a second neither did I because I had no idea where that had come from? By the time it had sunk in, she was already up and moving out the door. It wasn't until it slammed that I realized how stupid I'd just been.

I groaned throwing the bed sheets down painfully, knowing I had to stop her. I'd meant what I'd said, but not in the way Miley thought. She didn't feel guilty about her parent's death, maybe a little, but nothing like this. Miley didn't understand the guilt I was feeling. She knew 9/11 wasn't her fault, but hell I felt like this nightmare was my entire fault.

I tried to drag my legs out of the bed, but still nothing was functioning right and everything just fucking hurt. I groaned in agony but pushed through it until I managed to put my feet on the ground. Suddenly a machine started beeping followed by another alarm. I turned frantically my mind swirling as I pulled the cords out, ripping one of my chest trying to make them stop. I had to make her understand.

It was when I ripped the IV out that I suddenly was hit by my limitations.

"Fuck," I yelled out in pain clutching my wrist just as the door opened.

"Nicholas what the hell are you doing?" Mom screamed, her blurred figure rushing at me, "Get back into the bed this instant. Oh my God what are you doing?" She pushed me hard in the chest forcing my legs up back under the sheets, while pain and nausea swept through me.

"I need to talk to Miley," I struggled. "I didn't mean it like that, I didn't-"

"Just shut up."

The door flung open as three wide-eyed nurses rushed in and I turned back to mom, "Mom go find her, I need to make her understand. I didn't mean what I said I just…God just go and find her. Make sure she understands what I meant." I felt myself hiss as the nurses were instantly around me, looking confused.

"He's fine," Mom announced, "He was just being careless."

"Mom I didn't mean what I said, just tell her-"

"I heard what you said Nicholas," She looked at me shaking her head, as one of the nurses gently took my clutched hand giving me a stern look. I resumed my position in bed dropping my head the pain beginning to ease.

"I didn't mean it like that, I didn't." I tried to reason.

Mom just sighed, "I know. I know Nick okay." I looked up at her feeling completely lost and frustrated with the entire world. "I understand I have no idea what you're feeling, but I can tell you right now you're dealing with it the wrong way."

"I don't know how to deal with this." I argued in response.

Mom just looked at me confused, "Of course you do Nick. You helped Miley, it took a while but you saved her from feeling overwhelmed. You gave her a release."

"But that was different, this is a completely different scenario. I'm mourning Selena, I don't want to let her go but I will. That's not the reason I'm so damn mad, that's not why I'm feeling so completely lost right now." I responded closing my eyes pushing my head into the pillows.

"Then what is Nick?"

I closed my lips unwilling to answer because I knew what she'd say, what Miley would say, what everyone would fucking say.

It wasn't my fault.

Yet that wouldn't change anything, because words were just words. They had no evidence, no solid prove. Words were nothing. It was my fault. I'd let them down. I'd let Miley down. It was killing me inside and I didn't know how anyone could make me think or feel differently.

Miley.

I'd made a mess. No, correction, I'd created a disaster.

I looked at my parent's bedroom completely shocked because even though I'd caused this state I didn't really think it was this bad. I'd come back here wanting nothing more than a distraction. I wanted to feel pain, or happiness or something that wasn't fear. And I'd been successful. Now I felt stupid and embarrassed about my meltdown.

I looked away wearily. I knew what I had to do.

I had to clean this up.

It wasn't what I wanted to do, but honestly I didn't have any other options right now. I wasn't allowed back at work, Nick didn't want me anymore and I felt at a loss to where I belonged. At least here I felt like I had a purpose and was needed.

I stepped into the rom letting out a sigh, where was I even supposed to start? The clothes littered across the floor? The photos I'd smashed? Or should I strip the bed for the first time in years? I didn't know. My entire life replicated this room. A complete and utter disaster that had no clear start or end.

So I leaned down and picked up the first thing I could find, a navy blue shirt. I knew before I even held it up that it was mom's, it was the one dad and me had bought for her birthday. I held it out in front of me for a moment, the tug was there aching in my chest but I closed my eyes and threw the shirt behind me. There was no point keeping it, I'd never use it.

One out…a million to go…

It was hard, really hard but eventually I just fell into a pattern. The emotions were suddenly gone and it was a simply a question of yes or no.

That was when my mind finally resorted back to Nick.

I wasn't mad. I wasn't even upset. I understood even if he didn't believe me. Nick was mourning. He was angry and pissed at the world and who was I to judge him? That had been me. He wanted space and I'd been too clingy. He just needed time. I hoped.

Hope. That's all I had.

Hope that he wouldn't say that again.

Hope that this was just him mourning.

I hoped one day we could be the same. Yet I knew we couldn't be.

That was why I needed this distraction. The fear of losing him, of losing the Nick I loved was making me feel sick in so many ways. I'd been so relieved when he woke up, but then the truth came out and he just became distant physically and mentally. He wouldn't even let me hold his hand. He didn't say he loved me.

"Well this wasn't what I expected." A voice proclaimed behind me.

I spun around flicking a few strands of hair out of my face while Demi stood there looking at me uncertain, "Spring cleaning?" She asked quietly.

I was literally so surprised seeing her in my apartment I blurted out the first question that came to my head.

"How did you get in?" I snapped more brutally than I intended too.

"The boss gave me the key." She stated casually looking around the bedroom. "I like your place it's very-"

"Out. Get out." I hissed moving towards her.

Demi's eyes flashed back to mine, "I can't leave, I'm not allowed too"

"Out of this room." I spat glaring at her.

Demi instantly looked at me bewildered only for her eyes to widen realization spreading across her face. She didn't say anything and stepped back as I followed her wanting these two parts of my life to stay separate. I looked away from Demi trying to calm down, this wasn't her fault I knew that, but there was a boundary and she couldn't cross into it. Not right now, I had too much to deal with already.

I shut the door behind me, closing one life away and looking up at another. Demi stared at me with pity and unsaid apologies, the exact thing I didn't want to see.

"Miley I'm-"

"Don't speak and don't give me that look." I mumbled holding my hands up walking past her, "I don't need your sympathy. I'm cleaning that's it."

"Cleaning my ass, you're running away from Nick." She muttered.

I stopped mid stride feeling her eyes pinpointed on my back, "No." I stated simply finishing my step. "He didn't want me there, so I'm respecting his space. I'm giving him time Demi."

"He was a dick Miley." Demi stated, "And he is guilty as hell now."

Good

I swallowed and kept walking, "Well I'm not really in the mood to see him right now." I lied through gritted teeth. I did want to see him, but not when he was like this. "I need to finish cleaning my…" I trailed off.

"Your parents room." Demi murmured right behind me.

I turned and gave her a look shrugging, "Demi I'm fine okay, yes Nick hurt me but it's nothing I haven't heard before. I just…I'm not mad at him." I responded seriously, "And I'm not going to break down. Jason didn't have to send you here."

"Oh he didn't, he ordered me here."

"Yeah me too." A new voice proclaimed.

I swung my head to my right finding Joe standing behind my kitchen bench holding the kettle. "Tea or coffee?" He inquired holding up a mug. I closed my eyes pinching the bridge of my nose.

There was two responses to this situation. I could lose my crap and tell them both to get the fuck out of my apartment, old Miley style. Or I could let them play out the little planned charade and hear them out, new Miley style. But right now I wanted neither. I wanted to go the hospital and hear Nick tell me that he still loved me, yet that wasn't an option.

"Coffee, strong, really strong."

"Coming up. Love the place by the way. No wonder Nick left me." Joe announced as I opened my eyes looking at him. His eyes lost out the window at the city below. "The view is amazing. Nick said it was but this is…"

"It's gorgeous." Demi stated giving me a weak smile walking past.

"Well thanks," I muttered sitting down. "Feel free to let yourself in anytime, you apparently have a key."

"Sure do thanks to Jason." Joe stated excited.

"Wow, first name basis you two must have gone up in the world." I stated sarcastically and both their smiles instantly fell.

"Actually I have," Joe mumbled, "Been promoted. Justin's old job."

I swallowed awkwardly, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's okay. Promotions are good, I suppose." Joe shrugged giving Demi a weak smile, "Work's pretty shit honestly. I mean everyone is having counseling and renovations have started to fix the damage from…yeah. It's just chaotic." He finished as I bit down on my tongue not knowing what to say so I looked at Demi again who was carefully watching me.

"I haven't gone back to work. Not yet. Jason said I could have another two weeks off." She responded quietly,

"I've barely spoken to him." I whispered quietly, "He's not around much and when he is…there isn't a lot to say."

"He's worried about you." Demi stated very slowly.

I couldn't help but give a small smile shaking my head, "I would never have guessed." I tried to joke staring down dropping my shoulders. "He's always worried."

"I'm worried too." Demi murmured.

I rolled my eyes, "Don't be okay? Worry about Nick he-"

"We'll deal with the dick later." Joe stated his tone harsh. "You're more important right now."

I looked up once more completely confused, "Why?"

Demi and Joe just looked at me, "Because you destroyed that room Miley. You were barely functioning when Nick was in a coma you walked and talked yet there was not a single part of you that was living. And now…now…I mean you didn't come to Selena's funeral, and went to the Empire State Building instead? I just, we don't understand what's going on with you. You were so locked on Nick and now...we don't know." She blurted out quickly.

I just stared at her and shook my head. "You will never understand Demi." I respond simply, "But right now, compared to before, compared to last week. My state of mind is reasonable, before I went up that Building not so much."

"What was it about that building?" Joe asked, "What changed?"

My parents. A new perspective.

"I can't tell you that. Jason surely does." I replied.

"The funeral-"

I groaned looking at Demi, "I don't do funerals. I hate them." I snapped at her, "They are stupid and pointless okay? I don't need to stand there and say goodbye, I don't need to be like everyone else and that has taken me years to realize. I can't just say goodbye. I don't work like that. I need to be ready and I'm not yet. I don't want to say goodbye to Selena, not right now."

The ache was returning, her name still lingering on my lips. I could see Demi's sunken expression, her mind ticking over. "Please don't be mad at me." I pleaded swallowing. "I wanted to be there with you guys, I did, but I couldn't be. Just like Nick can't be with me right now. It's not the right time."

"Miley there will never be a right time to say goodbye." Joe mumbled.

I nodded accepting that, "No, there may not be, but there will be a day very soon when I feel ready to do it. Actually I am now. It took going up the building to find that, and now I'm waiting…"

"For what?" Demi asked me confused.

"For Nick. For him to be ready too."

They both just stared at me dumbfounded, "I'm going to wait with him, no matter how long it takes. I'm going to wait until he wants to say goodbye to her, because I know no one can put a time on what this feels like. He loved her once, and I know he loves me now. I'm scared of that changing so I'm giving him space, the space I'd wished I'd had as a child."

"Miley he didn't meant what he said, Nick's in pain and on a shit load of drugs-"

"He meant it." I responded frowning. "But it's okay because I know what this is like."

I looked out the window seeing the bright blue sky, "I'll wait for him because he waited for me." I finished simply just as the kettle boiled.

A/N: Okay so yes delayed= been busy sorry. Not exactly how I wanted this chapter to go but yeah I'm hoping this story will be finished soon :) Thanks for the reviews!