Title: Nasty Naughty Boy
Chapter 9: Day 2: Nami is a man?
Rating: T
Pairing: Kidd x Nami, Kidd x Sanji
Summary: When the stress is building up, Kidd can't help himself from acting weird. First, he has a sudden urge to cook and next, he informs everyone that Nami is a man!
Warnings: OOC for all characters, language, grammar mistakes.
A/N: I'm taking break from writing drama scene so instead, I make this one as pure crack, no feeling, sappy or etc involved in this chapter. Seriously, I was cackling madly while writing this one.*still rolling on the floor*
"Mmmm! It's yum~my!" Luffy announced with obvious satisfaction on his face as he continued to wolf down his food, even after eating a serving that was fit for twenty people. Everyone on the table was pretty much agreed with their captain, except for the cook who had his back rigid against the chair.
"This is pretty good, Sanji-kun." Nami complemented, putting another forkful into her mouth. It was expected though, for someone like Sanji to make something as delicious as this, or Luffy wouldn't invite him to be their cook in the first place.
"I didn't make this." The blonde muttered under his breath, looking extremely solemn and defeated.
Aside from the lithe captain, all the diners stopped their munching, shoveling, swallowing or anything else that involved with food, slowly extracting their eyes from the meals towards the depressed blonde.
"Then who—"
"It's Kidd." Sanji added scathingly.
Nami's fork froze on its way to her mouth. The similar cutlery that Ussop had been holding fell to the table, he eyed his plate suspiciously.
"Y-you?" Chopper yelped his face paled.
The shipwright sitting next to Chopper stared down at the content of the plate. Under the bright florescent light, he focused his eyes to see if there was any foreign, unidentified object inside the food, but none came. "Bro, you didn't put anything weird in this, did you?"
"Are you picking a fight with me?" Kidd, who had been watching their reaction, chortled. "What? Do you think I put some fucking bats in it or something?"
Seeing how dark Kidd's face becoming, they put their complaints to halt. Nami put another forkful into her mouth, tasting it thoroughly. Despite the uneasy feeling of eating something made by the gruff looking captain, she had to admit it taste really delicious.
While all the crews resumed their eating, Sanji couldn't be gloomier. He felt like crying and committing Seppuku as he had ashamed himself and owner Zeff as the ship's cook. Defeated by a pirate who wears makeup and black nail polish, rude to ladies and also one hell of a smug bastard! The furious feeling was worse than when the stupid marimo had gurgled down all the expensive wines he stocked inside the cabinet, or when Luffy accidently ruined the parfait he worked hard on before Sanji could presented it to the ladies! Though, those two morons did receive his special kicks on the head after that.
This morning was supposed to be perfect like it used to, well, ignoring the three extra 'baggage's', but then everything fall into pieces when a certain redhead decided it would be a perfect time to bust his ass into the kitchen as Sanji was busy preparing their lunch.
-Flashback—
"Get the fuck out of my kitchen Kidd." The cook demanded, his hands busy washing the chickens under the tap water. "It's annoying enough with Luffy keeps barging in every five fucking minutes asking when the food will be ready, I don't want another hindrance while I'm working." Annoyed, Sanji added. Though, he was half expected it was the stupid marimo that just entered the kitchen when he heard the sound of heavy boots softly pounding the wooden floor, but instead of seeing a mop of green hair, he saw red which he immediately knew it was the South Blue captain that stepped into his sacred space. Today Sanji felt like making something nice for them (such a big heart he has there, wasn't it) and when it comes to that, he doesn't like being bothered although he was sure he had locked the kitchen door.
Retorts, snarls or any other smartass come back didn't reach Sanji's ears, only the sound of a chair scrapping loudly and someone sitting on it followed after. Out of the corners of his eyes, the blond cook saw the said male was slumping against the chair but not looking at him either, his eyes darting around with 'I'm freakin' bored and I feel like strangling someone right now' sign on his forehead. Then he picked up the newspaper lying on the table, unfolding it and skimmed over the headlines before setting it back on the surface, clearly not interested in further reading.
Hmpph, bored huh. Like that's new. Sanji snorted quietly.
It was another five minutes or so when Sanji decided to break the silence. "If you want something to drink, the beers are in the left cabinet." The blond informed as he coated the chickens with flour seasoned with salt and pepper.
Kidd gave a short snort. "Yeah right. Last time I drank beer, the green head reacted like I stole his 'v'."
The distracted blonde poured the chicken stock into a cup, and then turned his head slightly towards Kidd. "V?"
"Virginity."
Stifling a laugh, Sanji peeled the eschalots with expertise. The bastard really has an answer for everything. Well, at least now he can establish an 'Anti Marimo Club' with him as the president and Kidd as the vice-president. You need two people if you want to create a club right? And now the quote is met.
"What are you making?" Kidd's voice came much closer than Sanji had expected, since he was standing right behind him.
"Coq Au Vin…" The blond answered, managing to keep his almost startled voice. This was a main dish and he still needed to prepare the side dishes (plenty of them) and it must be enough to satisfy a certain raven haired captain that eats like a pig in barn.
Kidd remained silent, moving closer and peered over Sanji's shoulders to inspect them.
Blissful silence filled the room, only to broken by soft clanking and crushing sounds as Sanji placed the prepared ingredients into bowls and crushed the garlic afterward. He then poured half of the oil in the stockpot over medium high heat before adding half of the chickens and cook until they turned to brownish color. The processes repeated for the other half of the chickens then he proceeded making the sauce. Every move Sanji made, Kidd followed and sometimes directly behind him, making the process much longer and difficult than it would have been otherwise. His back bumped with Kidd's chest and sometimes when the larger male leaning down over his shoulder too much, the cook ended up elbowing him in the stomach. The situation couldn't get more aggravating when someone on stepped on someone's foot.
Sanji at last acknowledge the redhead, blue eyes dark with annoyance as he placed the pan none too gently on the stove. "Get—Gahh! If you insist in bothering me, at least do it one meter away!" He snapped.
In return, Kidd only made an impassive look and stared at what were behind the blond, eyes narrowed slightly. "You're doing it wrong."
Sanji gave a questioning look. "What?"
"The wine. You should use Pinot noir instead. That'll enrich the sauce and even a perfect match with olive oil mash." Kidd stated, causing the cook to blink stupidly at him, then to his behind and back to Kidd.
"H-how do you know about that?" The stutter wasn't really planned, but Sanji couldn't help it when a notorious, blood loving pirate just lectured him about cooking.
The reaction somehow pissed off the South Blue captain. A little. "What's up with that dumb look? Did I just say that your navigator is a tranny?"
Opening his already parted lips, Sanji made an effort to retort but only succeeded in making a spluttering sound, his cigarettes fall from his lips.
And Kidd found that amusing.
"Of course I know. I don't only kill people and destroy towns all the time and make it as a hobby, okay? This might sound stupid, but cooking relieves my stresses." He paused before adding, as if his previous statement wasn't shocking enough. "Well, though sometimes I imagine it's someone else's neck I was chopping."
The gapping cook made no movement long enough to allow Kidd to open the cabinet, scanning his red eyes over the collection of fine, expensive wines before reaching for the desired wine and take position next to Sanji. Nonchalantly, Kidd continued where Sanji had left off.
A stunned Sanji could only wonder what in the New World was happening at the moment. Nothing can surprise him anymore even if someone tells him that all the Shichibukai wanted to throw a slumber party with Mugiwara Crews. A soft voice at the back of his head said that he should kick the smartass redhead out from the kitchen, but curiosity got the best of him, so instead, Sanji turned around and watched the working captain intently.
-End flashback-
So now we find out an extremely depressed cook kneeling on the floor, at the corner of the kitchen, mumbling words that the crews couldn't understand. It was as if Sanji was speaking a different language, and there were definitely sobs accompanied those mumbles.
Ussop shift in discomfort at the depressing aura. "What's wrong with Sanji? He looks like he was hit by Perona's negative hollow." He whispered.
"Oi Sanji! What are doing back there?"Questioned his bewildered captain. Normally the blond would be kicking his brain out and started lecturing about table manners.
Hitting the floor with his balled fist, Sanji sniffled. "Leave me alone, Luffy… I'm not suited to be your cook anymore." Another sniffle. "Maybe I should be a farmer instead… Grow vegetables and breed cows and pigs… or shave my head and become a monk."
Nami shot Kidd an accusing look, causing the redhead to scowl. "Stop blaming me for everything. He wasn't that depressed when I told him you're transvestite."
"What?" Nami yelled. "You said what about me?" The fork had snapped into two inside her palm.
"You heard that right. I've should have known from the moment I see you."
"Known what?" Nami asked, puzzled by Kidd sudden change of behavior. It was him now that wear the accusing look.
"That no real woman can take down two of the best fighters, MALES need I remind you, even if they are PMSing. So where does the strength come from? Simple. You are actually a man." Kidd said with confidence that who knew where the hell that came from.
"That is not true! Of course I'm—"
Kidd intercepted. "Hush, you faker! You are a disgraced to all males in the world. Not enough proof? Then why do act like you're the one in charge here, ordering everyone around like some freaking underlings?"
"That's because our REAL captain here is a moron!" Irritation started to get her. Why were they debating about her gender anyway? First minute they were talking about Sanji, now they are issuing on her gender!
"Wrong answer." Kidd gave a knowing look. "It's male's instinct to fight among us and be at the top of hierarchy and to be the leader."
Chopper leaned forward, whispering something to Ussop. "Is that true Ussop? Does it mean we all have to fight each other after this?"
"Chopper, honestly I have no idea what's going on right now…" Now even Ussop felt like joining Sanji who still with his own gloomy world, oblivious with the current situation.
Another blond male that hasn't let out even a meep from the beginning responded to Chopper's question. "Don't be. Kidd ideologies are twisted sometimes. Why do you think his bounty exceedingly high in the first place?"
'Because he kills people like they are cockroaches and destroys town as though it's a Lego.'
Most of the crews thought simultaneously in their mind. And the arguing was still on, and getting hotter.
Killer sighed heavily. To start with, all of this is plainly ridiculous. The redhead is a captain, a notorious pirate, a curser, a badass, a looker… wait, wait, wait, the last one slipped out, although it's true without no doubt. Did he mention about moron? Oh yes, now he will reveal a small secret that will shock all the pirates in all four seas, some may fainted, some may choke their own spit and some may even suffer an instant heart attack. For those who have a weak heart are advised to take their pills first before hearing this.
So here goes nothing.
Eustass captain Kidd is a moron, on at least one occasion. As much as he likes the said male, Killer can't deny the fact that Kidd is a retard, enough to give him a never ending headache and a high blood pressure. That is why you would find a pill canisters if you inspect the blonde's pants pocket, but not encouraged to do so because you may lose your limbs faster than you can say 'Holy fuckin' shit!' Right now, Killer can't quiet shoot a good guess why his beloved captain choose that moment to show how ridiculous he is and ended up bickering about the gender of the copper haired girl. This absurd phenomenon rarely happens, but tends to when pressure build up around the redhead or he is simply bored out of his thick skull. No one really can blame him if they know what they have been through for the last two hellish days in an enemy's ship. Mugiwara is naturally born stupid for his own good, and now Kidd decides to be a walking negative influence. If more Supernovas are like this, the deceased Gold D. Roger will be sobbing somewhere and the government people will get bald within months, just to handle the entire ruckus caused by them. No need to take far away example to prove their recklessness due to stupidity. Just look what happened to Enis Lobby, or to the ex-Shichibukai Crocodile, and don't even forget to what happen at Saboady. All those happen because they (including himself) are morons! Things get more out of controls when strong people like them don't know the difference between idiocy and bravery.
One more shiny example can be seen right now, right here on the table.
"Look Kidd. I don't know what ghost possesses you until the point to make you blind enough to see I'm a perfect, healthy woman. My body speaks it all."
Kidd shakes his head in feigned dismay. "You can't fool me. Just because you have big boobs and slim waist, that doesn't prove anything. I'll bet every damn treasure my ship has that they're fakes."
Everyone else was boring holes on Nami's body with their eyes, except for Killer, Robin and Law. Killer silently prayed for Kidd to stop as he had a feeling about where the arguing might lead to. Robin bit his lower lips to contain a fit of laughter, afraid if she let it burst out, she might fell off the chair and passed out. Law eyed them interestingly and calculated that the blue nosed reindeer would be busy again today. Yerp, someone is going to get hurt today.
"Yohohohohoho~ is that why you never let me see your panties? Because you're a man? You just broke my heart~ " Brook said dramatically. "But I'm a skeleton, so I don't have a heart. Yohohohohoho~"
"Idiot! Anyone with brain won't go parading their panties!" A sharp, hard kick landed on the left side of Brook's head, he flew straight to the wall.
One down, Law noted.
Seeing that, Kidd clamped his hands once before pointing his finger at Nami. "Hah! You sent him flying in one kick! That is exactly my point! Now everyone here can see the evidence!"
"He's a pervert! All women kick perverts! Like hell they'll believe your stupid accusation." Nami wanted nothing more but to pound some senses across the sneering face. For a moment, she was sure that Franky had activated his infrared vision, looking unconvinced.
"Franky, stop that! Women and men have same organs! And stop focusing at my waist!" Her voice started to become hoarse from all that yelling and shouting.
Luffy looked at her, wide eyes. "Ehhhh? You are a guy? You shouldn't be embarrassed Nami! We men must be proud with our kintama!" Said the stupid captain who then lectured his navigator on how to a real man.
At the end of the table, Killer choked on his chicken and made a strangling noise as the large piece of meat (with bones in it) stuck in his throat, efficiently cutting his air supply due to a sudden shock at Luffy's outburst. And his level of stupidity. No one can beat that.
And that's two down—oh wait, he managed to get it down by pounding his chest in a bone crashing way and gulped down a whole glass of water. Darn it. Law's mouth pulled back into a straight line.
"Shut up Luffy! I don't have time for you!" Not only this idiot of the captain wasn't all that helping, he made the situation worse!
"See? They agree with me." The smug captain snickered.
Slamming the table, Nami glared at the male across the table harder. "That's because they are morons! They'll even believe if you tell them pigs lay eggs!"
In order to calm down, Nami inhaled a large amount of air and exhaled it back. Repeating it few times. These people were morons, including some of her crews so there was no need for her to get too worked up. "Even you say so, you still can't prove I'm a NOT a woman and the proofs you stated are barely standing."
"Sure I can." Kidd stood up, and leaned across to have a staring match with the copper haired girl.
"No. You. Cant."
"Yes. I. Can."
"Then HOW are you intending to do it?" Nami challenged.
Kidd made a 'hmmph' sound. Well, he doesn't have to explain verbally to everyone as that will be wasting his spit. Figuring that the truth was on his side, Kidd did something that no pirates out there, even those who had conquered Grand Line countless time and came back alive, swam in Calm Belt with their limbs fully attached, and pissed Garp The Hero without brain damage dare to.
With confidence, Kidd reached out his hand and grabbed the navigator chest to prove they were indeed a fake.
Within a short distance, Law heard the resounding slap and that followed Nami's horrified shrieked and concluded Eustass Kidd was in deep shit. There rest of what supposed to be a perfect lunch was chaotic. It took Zoro, Franky and Ussop to hold Nami down from screaming bloody murders and strangling the molesting redhead, with Franky blocking her at front like a linebackers always do, Zoro circling her arms from behind and Ussop leeching at her legs. Even so, she still managed to advance in that state and the sound of screeching boots against the wooden floor and someone being dragged down below were blended together with Kidd groaning in pain. The poor table was beyond saving when the enraged girl leaped up and tackled Kidd to the ground, crushing it into two big pieces.
"Uwaaaaaa! What's happening? Stop it you guys!" Chopper pleaded helplessly but keeping his distance from the madness, curling his small body next to Brook's unconscious one.
"This is too much! Bro, we need back up here!" Franky shouted, directing it to the remaining crews who could still fight. Brook definitely was a no-no and Chopper won't do much, the cyborg felt sorry for the youngest crew as he had to witness the barbaric nature of adults. Not to be excluded from the fun, Luffy jumped in to aid.
Law gave an apologetic smile. "Sorry, can't help you there. The archeologist just passed out after laughing too much. I'm worried about her head since she hit the floor pretty hard."
If it wasn't for his hands busy securing Nami's arms, Zoro would have smack palmed himself. "Killer! Don't just stand there like a deer thrown into a casino, get your ass here!" The swordsman barked.
"Zoro!" Chopper made a protest sound.
"Err, sorry Chopper. I wasn't referring to you." The Mugiwara first mate apologized hastily.
Still no movement.
"Earth to Killer! Your captain is about to get murdered here!" Zoro screamed on top of his lungs, not caring if Nami become deaf later.
Luckily, that worked like a charm as Killer quickly snapped. It wasn't Nami that shocked the ever living out of him, but it was Kidd's level of intelligence.
Too shocked with the new founding truth, Kidd made no attempt to escape; his whole body seemed to be frozen as he took in the image of Nami SUPER angry state. Crap, this is bad! For a normal people, they would already piss in their pants if they were in his shoes, and luckily that hasn't occurred to him. Not yet.
Nami fingers were only centimeters from reaching Kidd, in which the redhead could almost see the nails were getting longer and sharpened before his first mate grabbed him by the coat and managed to drag him away from his death, marching straight towards the door and thus saving his captain from being torn to shreds.
"Come back here, you molesting, overly gothic bastard so I can rip off your proud manhood and send it to reporters for the whole world to see! Then I'm going to burry my heels into you thick, idiot scull and cut that filthy hand of your! My chest will be that last thing you'll ever touch!" Nami screeched as Killer quickly closed the door behind him, cutting off more dreadful threats.
Outside the kitchen, Kidd slumped against the wall and panted, trying to get rid of the horrific scene from his mind. He touched his left cheek and winced at the stingy pain, then rubbed his neck where the navigator had almost snapped it. In his opinion, that was the closest he had ever been to death.
"What the hell was that, Kidd? False, stupid accusation is one thing, you even—" He wanted to say molest, but that sounded perverted. "—Touch her… chest."
Humilated, Kidd looked up to see Killer was furiously messaging his temple. "You can't blame me for issuing her gender. Don't tell me it never crossed in your mind that she was a male in disguise?"
Killer never felt like pulling his hair and screaming in frustration, despite how he loved his blond locks dearly. "Of course it never! You are the only one that can come up with ridiculous ideas! And all this time I was hoping Mugiwara is the craziest fellow until today, you changed my mind."
The captain wanted to retort but wasn't allowed when Killer gave another glare. "That's it. We're adding a physiatrist to the crew right after we return to our ship!"
There was a long pause, making the crashing, thumping, yelling and cracking sounds more obvious before it stopped gradually. Curious to know if the kitchen was danger free for now, Killer placed his ear on the wall and heard a cheering noise followed by someone saying 'Good thinking of sedating her Chopper! Is everyone still alive? Brook you can stop playing dead now'
It seemed to him, they managed to handle the woman in their own style and safe for now. Killer couldn't help but wonder what kind of tranquilizer the doctor used to put down the navigator.
"So your conclusion?" Killer suddenly asked.
"Wha..?" It seemed Kidd's vocal cord might be damaged after getting strangled by Nami.
"Her gender? What's your conclusion?" The question itself was stupid, but he needed to know which category his captain belonged to.
1. Realized that the navigator is a woman = Sane
2. Confused if she's a male/female = Insane
3. Convinced that she's a male = Lunatic a.k.a this is a serious matter
"She's a woman alright." Kidd answered, not really happy when his earlier prediction got stomped down like a bug.
"What convinced you? You were pretty much confident in there." Too confident even some of the idiotic crew fall for it, Killer wanted to add.
Kidd snorted. "Only bitch slap like that."
"…"
"…"
Satisfied with his captain respond, Killer nodded. Not that he agreed about the bitchy slap since he didn't really know how a bitch perform their slapping, but at least now he know Kidd was in a safe zone.
But he was still going to find a physiatrist. No one is allowed to argue with him.
-To be continued—
Kintama = Golden Ball. Watch episode 409, if you are not laughing like a maniac, then you are a retard. Lolx!
A/N: I just wanted to mess up with the characters and look what happen! OMG…..