Chapter 44
"I will never hold another kid as long as I live," Paul vowed when they left the reception that followed the christening. "Now all I can smell is baby shit."
"Hey, at least she didn't piss on you while trying to change her," Brian said. "Now I'm going to have to get these pants cleaned again and take another fucking shower when we get home."
"Yeah, did you all hear the scream come out of that kid when Brian picked her up at first? Of course, if I saw that, I'd scream too," Paul laughed.
"Real funny, Paul. Now I can see why that kid shit her diaper while she sat on your lap. But I swear to Christ, from now on, if I didn't fertilize it, I'm not taking care of a kid."
"Get used to it, Papa," Briana reminded him. "In a matter of months, you're going to be having two of them to deal with for at least the next twenty-one years."
"At least the nice thing about other people's kids is that you can give those back at the end of the day," Paul replied.
"Nice to know you think about your future godchildren like a library book, dude," Brian said, shooting him a look.
"I didn't mean it like that, man. I might like the idea of playing with twins."
"Yeah, right. When Lelani filled her pants, you couldn't get rid of her fast enough. You acted like a scalded cat. I could just see now how you'd react to two shitty diapers."
"Hey, I wasn't the one who recited the whole cuss dictionary for twenty people to hear when she pissed on you," Paul responded.
"I have a feeling you're going to have a blast with these two knuckleheads when the twins are born," Nadine said to Briana.
"I was just thinking that," Briana laughed. "And speaking of full diapers, my mother in law told me a story about how Brian here would smile while filling his."
"Jesus, Bree! That's it, all communication between Ma and you ceases as of today." Brian shook his head, embarrassed. "Then again, Lord knows what else she's told you."
"I believe it," Paul responded. "He can't keep a straight face when he farts to this day. Damn things are silent, and every time he does it, he has to refrain from laughing."
"You don't have to remind me of that," Briana said.
"Yeah, poor you, and being pregnant besides; that has to be torture to smell. I would just look over and see a smirk before I would have to get up with a pillow over my face like 'This is bullshit ' I had to leave the damn room."
"Oh yeah, like I didn't have to listen to that orchestra playing out of your ass every night when we traveled together," Brian retorted. "I mean, they don't smell or anything; they're just LOUD."
"I've heard some of those when I slept over a few times," Nadine agreed. "Thank goodness he was on the couch each time."
"Love you too, Nadine," Paul cracked.
"Yep," Brian continued, "And the loudest, most horrible thing about PL is his sneezing. You have no fucking idea; he can shake the foundations of a building with how loud he sneezes."
"I think one of those registered on the Richter scale," Nadine nodded laughingly.
"What the hell is this, pick on the Mexican guy day?" Paul asked. "Isn't it enough I had a shit factory load her diaper on me, now I have to listen to you two bag on me all the way home?"
"I'm just getting warmed up," Brian answered. "Besides, you haven't lived until you've heard Briana let go one of her recent belches. She puts me to shame."
"Brian!" Briana exclaimed.
"She's pregnant," Paul said. "What's your excuse?"
"Thank you, Paul," Briana smiled at him.
"Oh by the way, your husband thinks pregnant sex rocks," Paul continued. "His words, not mine."
"BRIAN DAVID!" Briana yelled.
"What?" he asked, as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
"Is nothing sacred with you? Why not just take out a full page ad on our love life?"
Brian glared over at Paul. "Thanks a hell of a lot, big mouth," he growled.
Paul gave a goofy grin. "No problem, man."
"Apparently nothing's sacred with El Loose-o Lips-o here either." Brian gave Paul a whack on the head.
"That's beside the point. What we do at home is not for bragging about to your buddies or the locker room."
"Um….I don't exactly talk about this stuff in the locker room."
"Yet," Paul snickered.
"Paul?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you want to arrive at home alive and eventually see the birth of your godchildren?"
"That would help."
"Then close your mouth," Brian replied. "Otherwise, I've already found a place to hide your body."
The two women laughed. "Never a dull moment with these two," Nadine said.
"Why do you think I insisted they come along?" Briana asked knowingly. "Bri was right about one thing, those ceremonies are boring. I think I'll pass on having one."
"But you can still have the party part," Brian grinned. "That was fun, even if the kid did piss on me. But hell, now that I think about it, I'm considering that a rehearsal."