Chapter 51
The next day, when Paul and Nadine stopped to visit, they found Brian napping on the couch with Brett tucked in an arm while Bella slumbered on his chest.
"Oh isn't that cute," Nadine cooed, pulling out her camera phone. "I have to capture this."
"Yeah, and we can use it to blackmail him later," Paul replied, grinning. Nadine gave him a playful smack on the head for his effort.
Briana looked tired, though she tried her best to smile brightly. "Sorry, guys, but Brett was up fussing most of the night, and it woke Bella up and she started."
She gestured toward Brian. "Long story short, it was a very long night. Can I get you guys anything?" she asked softly. "I just made coffee."
"Works for me," Paul nodded. "Let me get it."
"And to think Bri is missing this," Nadine chuckled, "you're actually getting off your ass to do something without being asked eighty times."
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Nadine." Paul went into the kitchen.
"Bring those cookies on the counter out too," Briana called after him. "I will be so happy when these two finally sleep through the night," she told Nadine.
"They might when they're twenty one," Paul commented, earning another slap from Nadine.
"What? You mean to tell me Briana and the short sex fiend in there could fuck nonstop like rabbits all night, yet once they had two more short people, they're both dead tired?"
"You really have no concept of parenthood, do you?" Briana shook her head.
"Just wait until you're a father," Nadine said, smiling.
Paul's eyes widened. "Um, that's not going to be for about another twenty years."
Briana chuckled, shaking her head. "It might be sooner than you think."
Nadine nodded in agreement. "Never say never."
"Oh hell no," Paul yelled, making a face. "Hell no! Leave the shit factories to Brian in there."
"Keep it down," Briana said in a low voice before sighing once Bella had begun to fuss.
"Thought I heard Paul's big mouth," Brian called from the living room. "I think the little lady and her brother are hungry anyway."
He came into the room, a baby in each arm, handing them over to Briana before reaching for the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup.
Brian noticed the expression on Paul's face. "What bug went up your ass?" he asked, sitting down at the table and drinking his coffee..
"We were bagging him about having his own kids," Nadine giggled. "You'd think from his reaction, Paul was just sentenced to death."
"More like life without parole," Paul replied.
"What's wrong with having kids?" Brian asked, flipping through the Sunday paper.
"No offense, dude, but I'd like to audition a potential mate before having kids, not jump on the first chick to smile at me."
"You should really try to grow up first," Brian advised, "and try to see women as more than sex objects and your personal slaves."
"Thank you!" Nadine exclaimed, nodding eagerly. "That's what I've been trying to tell this ass clown."
"Wow, gee, thanks a lot, Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil," Paul replied. "If I wanted advice on relationships, I'd find someone who didn't knock up their wife in the back of his prized Jetta and wifey's cousin over here."
"Brian!" Briana cried. "Did you honestly tell him about that?"
"It was a lucky guess at the time," Brian said, glaring at Paul. "But apparently El Mexicano here blew it out of proportion."
"Next time, learn to keep your mouth shut about such things," Briana answered.
"Are you kidding? Brian's worse than old women gossiping over their fences," Paul said. Nadine whacked him a third time. "What? He is. Dude doesn't know what 'keeping quiet' is."
"And evidently, neither do you," Brian shot back. "What the hell was that sound? Christ, Paul, did you let one rip again?"
"No," Briana answered, handing over Brett. "It was your son. He needs a diaper change."
"I'm out of here," Paul announced quickly, standing up and about to make a break for it when Brian grabbed the waistband of his pants.
"Nothing doing, senor. If I'm going down for this one, you're going with me."
"Why do I get stuck in these situations again?" Paul asked as Brian lay Brett down on the changing pad and opened his diaper.
"Fucking hell, Brian, what are you and your wife feeding these kids?!" he cried, jumping back after seeing the loaded diaper. "And I've shared rooms with you when you've farted and thought your stink was bad. Oquela."
"Watch your mouth, dude," Brian warned him. "There are ladies and little ears present."
"He's barely two months old. He doesn't know what we're saying."
"Kids are like sponges these days," Brian said, before hearing a loud belch, which caused Brett to smile. "And Jesus, Paul, you can at least excuse yourself, you fucking gas bag."
"Honey?" Briana spoke up from the other room before Paul had a chance to defend himself. "That was Bella."
"Yeah, man, why do I always get blamed when a kid shits or burps around here?" Paul raised an eyebrow.
"You're an easy target," Brian deadpanned, "not to mention you can be pretty loud, whether it's fart, sneeze, or burp."
"Hey, at least it keeps these two amused," Paul grinned, noticing Brett still smiling.
Brian handed him a plastic bag. "Make yourself useful and put this in the garbage can outside, will you?"
"Uh….."
"Paul, it's a diaper, not toxic waste, and the can is right outside the door. Jesus Christ."
Paul reluctantly took the bag, holding his nose as he went outside.
"Only person I know that makes a federal case out of taking out a dirty diaper," Brian sighed, handing Brett back to his mother. "Lord help us all the day he has his own spawn."