Chapter 55

"I am never taking you to church again," Briana said the following weekend. "My God, Brian, I think the twins behaved better than you did."

"That's the idea. I didn't want to go in the first place. I hated fucking churches from the time I was a kid and Ma roped me into being an altar boy. I'm agnostic; what do you expect? My mom's a strict Catholic, so we had this rule that the first person to reach for the food had to say grace, which I always forgot. Then every Easter Sunday, we were up at five in the fucking morning for Mass, and now you're dragging me to shit like confirmations and christenings, where I had to comb my hair and wear shoes and a BUTTON UP SHIRT, tucked in. Holy hell, woman."

"Still, do you always have to be obnoxious? It's not like I'm making you go to something like that every week."

"What? I just sat in the back and do what I did when I was eight... fart and throw paper airplanes made out of the note-taking paper at the priest."

"You're hopeless," Briana shook her head.

"And what's this bullshit of making people shake hands with those around us? How do we know they don't have some kind of disease? I just high-fived them all, like 'Wassup?' then Ma smacked me for that and cursing in church."

"As she rightfully should have. Be grateful it was she who did and not me. We were at a confirmation, not a basketball game."

"Then we got our cheap 'Christ's blood'. What's with that? Why not just give me the bottle and I could have probably sat through the whole two hours of that shit? I hate churches."

"Yes, I have figured that out by now. Pick your jacket up off the floor; you weren't raised in a barn. And where is Bella again?"

Brian picked up the suit jacket, finding the baby under it. "Why do I get the feeling this kid likes my clothes?" He picked up Bella and began to tickle her gently.

"She probably crawled under it because you tossed it on the floor," Briana replied. "And speaking of which, you may want to be careful where you put things down from now on. She and Brett are at the stage where they're putting things in their mouths."

"Really? I should teach them how to put Cocoa Puffs up their noses when they're old enough."

"Don't you dare, Brian David. We'll probably see enough of the inside of an emergency room in the coming years without you contributing to it."

"Yeah, hearing Brett scream bloody murder from his ear infection a few months ago wasn't much fun, come to think of it. If we can avoid doctors, so much the better." He set Bella in her swing. "Anyway, what's for dinner?"

"Brian, we just ate at the confirmation luncheon two hours ago."

"I'm hungry again."

Briana sighed. "Then just order something or get leftovers from the fridge. Good lord, some days I wonder if I have three children instead of two."

"I may do that, but first, Brett needs a change." Brian picked up his son. "Someone is a stinky boy. And while I'm back there, I think I'll strip too."

"Oh God," Briana groaned.

"I'm just putting on some jeans, relax." He took Brett back for his diaper change.

Briana sighed, sitting down by Bella's swing. "Sometimes I have to wonder about your father, little girl," she said.

Bella grinned at her, letting out a tiny burp.

"Then again, I think you and Brett have most of his qualities," she managed to laugh. "You're even both blond and look the most like him. Not that that is a bad thing, of course."

Brian began to sing from the next room, causing Briana to cringe. "Good grief," she said, "only your dad would be singing while changing a diaper."

"Hey, yo, there's a time and place for that over there!" she heard him call out, following a sound of knocking.

Brian emerged a few minutes later, shirtless and in jeans, depositing Brett on Briana's lap. "Got to go make a waste dump," he informed her, holding up a bag that had contained Brett's loaded diaper.

"What was that all about?" Briana asked.

"What?"

"You yelling a few minutes ago."

"Oh, the freaks that moved in next door. They must be screwing again. If I didn't know any better, I'd thought it was Paul with one of his parade of dates. In any case, the last thing I need to hear while I'm changing a kid is my neighbors fucking. Jesus."

"Well, we have thought about getting another place, haven't we?"

"Yeah, and we've put it off. I think it's time to start hunting, don't you think?"

"I agree, especially now that the twins are getting older. Maybe somewhere where they can eventually play in a yard or something."

"Oooh, baby, I love how you think," Brian grinned. "I may even forgive you for dragging me to church."

"Good. I'm going to go down and get one of those home guides," Briana offered. "Think you can stay with these two for a few minutes without losing one of them again?"

"Ha, ha, very funny, Bree," he replied. "But yeah, I can stay here. I'm going to order something to eat and get their bottles anyway."

"Sounds like a plan. I'll be back in a few and we can get to work house hunting."