Chapter 56

First stop, later that week:

"Don't even think about this place, Brian," Briana said

"Why not? It's in our range, three bedrooms, has a yard, and was just remodeled."

"It's also by a highway. The kids could either run out there and get hurt or some nut job could come along and grab them."

"Kids get grabbed everywhere."

"Oh, that's a nice rationalization. That kitchen is also horrible. I am not moving to a place with a green kitchen and appliances that were a fine color scheme in the sixties."

"We're not going to live in the kitchen."

"We're not going to live here, period."

"Christ. You've been a pain in the ass all week with this hunting for a new place thing. I'd been better off trying to get on house show cards."

"What you've been taking us to, maybe so. Good God."

"Say it, Bree; I have no taste."

"You said it, I didn't."

"Let's just go to the next one that was circled."

Second stop:

"Are you fucking nuts?" Brian asked.

"It's perfect. It's the right size and the neighborhood is really nice."

"Yeah, if you're rolling in cash. Did you see the asking price? Jesus Christ, Bree, I'm not Donald Trump."

"You mean to tell me you wouldn't put out a few extra dollars to have your own children in a safe neighborhood in a beautiful place?"

"A few dollars? Try a few hundred thousand."

"God, you are so cheap," she snorted.

"It's me being 'cheap' that makes us live as well as we do. Now, let's go look at the next place."

Third stop:

"Oh no, there is no way on God's green earth I am moving in here unless they take that carpet out," Briana protested.

Brian rolled his eyes. "And what wrong with the carpet?"

"Mustard yellow? Enough said, Brian. Not exactly an ideal color to go with our furniture and for kids to make a mess on."

"But check out this kitchen!" he said enthusiastically. "It even has one of those dumb waiter things that will send food upstairs to our room at the push of a button!"

"Brian, you go to a gym. You jog. You wrestle 300 days a year. Do you mean to tell me you're too lazy to carry your own food upstairs for a bedtime snack?"

"Well, we can use it to send the dirty diapers down here to be thrown away."

Briana gave him look. "Please say you're joking."

He then went to inspect the back room, flushing the toilet in the bathroom. "On second thought, you're right; we should pass on this one. The bathroom ceiling has stains on it and the toilet leaks."

"You used the toilet?"

"I had to piss. Sue me."

"Let's go, Brian. We have one more place to see."

Fourth stop:

"Bree…."

"Brian…"

"I THINK WE FOUND IT!" they chorused together.

"Yeah?" he grinned. "You like it?"

"I totally love it."

"Me too. It's fucking perfect. Right price, plenty of rooms, and did you see that basement? Jesus, I could make a 'guys room' for me and a playroom for the twins down there. Shit, we could hold dances down there, it's so damn big."

"And the neighborhood is nothing to sneeze at either. Plus the yard is huge and you could even bring both of your cars here. That garage is fantastic!"

"No leaky toilet either," Brian joked.

"Good grief, you used it here too?"

"Had to drop a few friends off at the pool," he winked.

"So how soon can we put in an offer on this place?"

"Right now. Looks like we're the only ones interested."

"Kind of a shame," Briana said. "It's such a cute place."

"Beats the hell out of where we are now with the kids getting bigger and a nightly sex show next door," Brian agreed.

"Want to go look at furniture?" Briana smiled.

"Whoa, let's not put the cart before the horse. Wait until we actually have this place first."

"I didn't say we had to buy it, just to get some ideas."

"Right. Any time I went with you 'for ideas', we ended up dropping a few thousand. Seriously, let's wait for an answer on this place before going totally nuts. Besides, it's already been a week of hell looking for a new place; I'm not about to go through more looking at furniture. Cut a man a break."

Briana just laughed. "All right, I will admit I haven't been an easy person this week. How about a nice dinner at home?"

"I'll do better than that. Let's go to that pasta place down the road in which I hope will soon be our new neighborhood."

She beamed. "You're on!"